OH and I have had almost weekly tension-filled incidents for a few months now. We have been together for a year and I know we need to settle into each other, but it seems I cannot raise any concerns or talk about things without him going nuclear. This morning was the worst, and I think we might be over.
He does a number of things which have made me feel uncomfortable, for example he is attached to his mobile 24/7, texts and receives texts constantly in front of me and in mid-conversation, he'll pick up his phone whilst we're in the same room or in the middle of me speaking and just leave me hanging (I have tried carrying on talking, he tunes out completely and has no idea what I've just said), and he'll check or text someone, put the phone down, usually face down, without a word and either carries on with what he's doing, or look back at me if we're speaking and say "yes? what did you say?". I tried hinting at how uncomfortable this makes me.. no response.. then we have had several rows about it. He says it's not rude, that my discomfort is my problem, he's a busy man and has got work people texting him and emails to write and how inconsiderate I am.
This morning another bubbling issue came up. He said he was furious that I had dared ask him last night if he discusses our home life with people from work. He said he was angry and that this question was inappropriate and out of order for me to ask, and he couldn't work out what was going on in my head to ask him that. So I told him why - because of an email I had seen from a (female) work colleague on his desktop (I hadn't snooped, the first line was open in the preview pane when he was showing me another email.. I was shocked..), saying aaaw how sorry she was.. hope everything's ok... and to give her a call. This was right in the middle of a really horrible few days where he'd been stonewalling me most of the time. The same woman I overheard him in a phone call dropping in a peculiar comment about having 'troubles'.
Whatever it is, every time I express any discomfort, or even want to talk about anything that's troubling me in a calm, adult way, he blows up. He has even called my attempts to talk about things "mistreatment" of him, says he's had years of been mistreated like this by his ex.
I've been at my wits end for months on how to broach any topic without him going ballistic. This morning I answered his question, and instead of him reassuring me or thinking, "ah that's why you've been so worried" he went through the roof, turned really, really nasty in the way he spoke to me and left saying "that's probably the last straw"..and "if you ever ask another inappropriate question like that, we're over, get out of my sight".
These threats of ending the relationship, the stonewalling, the tension in the air... I feel sick and confused why any expression has to end up in war and I cannot bear the way he speaks to me, I don't speak to him like this and I find I am always the one who tries to get us talking and things back on track.