Months of arguments, now this morning..

[WhatOnEarth7]

OH and I have had almost weekly tension-filled incidents for a few months now. We have been together for a year and I know we need to settle into each other, but it seems I cannot raise any concerns or talk about things without him going nuclear. This morning was the worst, and I think we might be over.

He does a number of things which have made me feel uncomfortable, for example he is attached to his mobile 24/7, texts and receives texts constantly in front of me and in mid-conversation, he'll pick up his phone whilst we're in the same room or in the middle of me speaking and just leave me hanging (I have tried carrying on talking, he tunes out completely and has no idea what I've just said), and he'll check or text someone, put the phone down, usually face down, without a word and either carries on with what he's doing, or look back at me if we're speaking and say "yes? what did you say?". I tried hinting at how uncomfortable this makes me.. no response.. then we have had several rows about it. He says it's not rude, that my discomfort is my problem, he's a busy man and has got work people texting him and emails to write and how inconsiderate I am.

This morning another bubbling issue came up. He said he was furious that I had dared ask him last night if he discusses our home life with people from work. He said he was angry and that this question was inappropriate and out of order for me to ask, and he couldn't work out what was going on in my head to ask him that. So I told him why - because of an email I had seen from a (female) work colleague on his desktop (I hadn't snooped, the first line was open in the preview pane when he was showing me another email.. I was shocked..), saying aaaw how sorry she was.. hope everything's ok... and to give her a call. This was right in the middle of a really horrible few days where he'd been stonewalling me most of the time. The same woman I overheard him in a phone call dropping in a peculiar comment about having 'troubles'.

Whatever it is, every time I express any discomfort, or even want to talk about anything that's troubling me in a calm, adult way, he blows up. He has even called my attempts to talk about things "mistreatment" of him, says he's had years of been mistreated like this by his ex.

I've been at my wits end for months on how to broach any topic without him going ballistic. This morning I answered his question, and instead of him reassuring me or thinking, "ah that's why you've been so worried" he went through the roof, turned really, really nasty in the way he spoke to me and left saying "that's probably the last straw"..and "if you ever ask another inappropriate question like that, we're over, get out of my sight".

These threats of ending the relationship, the stonewalling, the tension in the air... I feel sick and confused why any expression has to end up in war and I cannot bear the way he speaks to me, I don't speak to him like this and I find I am always the one who tries to get us talking and things back on track.

Been together a year and arguing for months? It shouldn't be like that. He sounds awful.

Make plans to move back to your family and friends. Ask for help if necessary.

OH and I have had almost weekly tension-filled incidents for a few months now. We have been together for a year ......

It's hard to find the motivation to read beyond the section above because that's enough for me to draw a conclusion. I do not understand why some people, yourself included, seem to feel compelled to try and make a shit, short-term relationship work instead of getting out and finding something better.

Pack your bags and leave. If you stay expect the same treatment 10 years down the line. What a horrible way to live your life.

He's not interested in discussing anything that arises - by the sound of things he's already playing at being the victim in all this by discussing stuff with his work colleague - it's a pity-ploy to gain sympathy!

He most likely pulled the same shite with you to begin with - claiming his ex was the abuser - it was him all along!

Get rid!

Am so pleased you're asking here.
Have you noticed we're all telling you the same thing?
It's always difficult to leave, and/or to move, but it will be well worth while, and I promise, you'll wish you did it sooner.

I know you are trying to make sense of this but please realise that his responses are not rational.He is not looking to fix anything, just to make you keep quiet and not raise any issues.

If its like this now it will be absolutely dire in a few years.

You won't be able to fix him.You won't be able to say anything, or phrase it in the right way to get through to him.

He doesn't want to listen to your "demands".
As long as you don't "complain" he will be fine.

If you want to know more read Lundy's book and also Patricia Evans, the verbally abusive relationship.Sadly it's not that uncommon and other women have encountered this type of man.They are often very charming men who have 2 different sides, only those in intimate relationships see the nasty side.

When you dump him, do it by text, he might actually notice then.. Very appropriate.

Unless you've decided to make your life in the place you're living without your current partner, go home to your friends and family. He doesn't deserve you and your relationship is going nowhere.

Jesus, one year, you both should be walking on clouds and complimenting each other 247; what you describe sounds horrendous, the man has zero respect for you, why indeed are you putting up with this shit treatment?

The most telling remark in your OP was where he complains of your mistreatment of him and compares it to the years of mistreatment he suffered with his ex. The common denominator here is HIM. He is the person who frankly simply does not know how to be in an adult, mature relationship. Answering text messages while talking to you, being secretive, talking about your relationship with work colleagues - is he 17??? Here sweetheart, have my first ever LTB - please. Do it now. Life is far far to short to invest your time, energy and love into selfish, emotionally deficient pricks like this. He will be a serial relationshipper, until one day he finds someone with no self esteem who,outs up with his abysmal behaviour. Don't let that be you. You would lead a miserable life as you can never fully trust him because he hides so much from you. Pack your stuff up, load up the car and get the hell out of dodge. Oh, and tell him via text message since that seems to be his favourite method of communication. After all, you don't want to mistreat him by trying to have a conversation with him do you!

I would like to create a Mumsnet bot that would automatically respond to the bajillions of threads like this one simply saying, "You have permission to leave this awful man and this crappy excuse of a relationship, and pursue something that would actually make you happy."

I would finish it. This isn't a kind, caring man who respects you.

I agree with pp, you shouldn't be like this after a year.

You deserve better.

Were you, by any chance, unhappy/lonely/in an existing abusive relationship when you met this inadequate shitbag? Abusive men (and this is definitely an abusive man) pick out vulnerable/unhappy women to mistreat. I bet he promised to rescue you and take you away from everything. His plan was always to have an isolated punchbag around the house: if you've not been physically hit, pushed or kicked yet, then it's on the way.
Are there friends or family who would take you in for a little while, back in your home town? Are you working at present, or jobhunting?
It's unlikely that a man like this will have put your name on the mortgage/tenancy agreement, though I suppose he might have got you to pay bills in his house. If you have any actual obligations (such as needing to end a tenancy or give notice at a job) work on these now and try to keep your behaviour 'normal' until you have sorted them out.
If there is nothing, legally, that ties you to Shitface or the area where you live, phone around and see who can put you up, then pack your things and go. Leave a note on the table to the effect that 'Dear Dickhead, you are dumped. Do not attempt to contact me ever again.'

Because you do not owe an abusive man ANYTHING. Not one second more of your time or effort.

hellobigworld I'm curious what makes the OP sound a nightmare? The not wanting to be ignored halfway through a conversation? Not wanting her partner to bitch about her to female colleagues? Wanting them to share in each others lives? You must be reading a completly different OP from me!

Honestly OP after a year it should still be pretty much hearts and flowers. I'd be making moves to leave, whether that is staying in the same area or moving back to your family but I wou;dn't waste anymore time on this twonk.

Just because you moved to be with him doesn't mean you should stick it out. Accept it was a mistake and he's not what you hope and move on. A classic case of you made your bed does not mean you have to lie on it.

In a few months you will be glad if you go now.

I wonder WhatonEarth if you are actually married to this man rather than just boyfriend/girlfriend - and you've been given to understand that you are obliged to stick with it?

Because I can't imagine anyone, given a free choice, thinking this is what the first year of a relationship should like.

I am shaking here but reading all your posts. Thank you.
In answer to a couple of questions: I'm studying and feel trapped and helpless now. not earning. That's probably why I have not been stronger when the first signs of this behaviour emerged. Also, my ex was abusive in a different way, leading a double life with numerous online dating profiles whilst with me and lies about himself, family, money everything you can think of: I had counselling and was adamant I'd never fall for that again. I took time out from dating, enjoyed my own company, grew stronger, and really, really thought I was being careful for finally agreeing to date my OH.

When I first expressed some slight annoyance when he didn't do what he said he'd do, which he picked up in my telephone tone not anything I said, he got ever so angry and shouted down the phone at me. When we discussed living together, I raised his anger and said we have to be able to discuss things without the other one blowing up and we just can't have any of that, he laughed and agreed.

Since then, it happens all the time. When things are calmer, he'll admit what he has done and apologise for being so defensive, that he feels like he's being attacked. I tread on eggshells with my language trying this and that way to broach a topic in such a way that he won't explode. It doesn't work. Only if I keep it all inside me does it stop it, but inside me of course the tension is building.

This is why I've stayed, and this is why I really thought I had chosen well this time (I'm not young, by the way) and have worked so hard on so many fronts. Pathetic, isn't it?

Sounds like he's cheating as well as abusing you, I've been there and it is, as you say, hideous. Please LTB. It will only get worse.

No, not pathetic. They trap you in the cycle. But please, please get out.

OH and I have had almost weekly tension-filled incidents for a few months now. We have been together for a year and I know we need to settle into each other, but it seems I cannot raise any concerns or talk about things without him going nuclear.

It's really easy to lose sight of what normal relationships look like if you have not had them. I know. It's been a real education for me these past few years :)

Your post struck me because I too have just celebrated my first year with the man I am with. We have not had to 'settle into each other'

He has an ex who is just about the worst human being I have ever come across, so hell bent on causing trouble, upsetting and hurting their own dc just to get what she wants, lies, outrageous claims, threats etc.

I have my own DC to consider and therefore I do have to raise difficult situations with him, not just about the ex, but with him personally too, and he raises things with me about things going on in my life and stuff. We don't row, we talk, we disagree on things and then agree to disagree if that is what's right.

My DS dad was abusive, he pretended to be the most wonderful man for the first year, then it all started changing, tiny bit by tiny bit.

On average abusive partners take 18m to 2 years to show their true selves. There will be teeny hints before then, but you'll brush them off thinking it's you with the wrong end of the stick etc.

Please read the book mentioned here - it really helped me understand the abuse dynamic, and helped me heal and learn.

The man you fell in love with is a fake, that is him pretending to be a nice human being. But he is a monster, he will only ever get worse.

No, you can't fix him,
No, he will never get any better or any worse
No, it won't be different for you. You are not a magician.

Don't EVER think, oh just because Hissy couldn't fix hers, doesn't mean I can't.

If I couldn't do it, nobody can. I tried solidly for over 4 years to ask him to be nice. I suffered mentally more than pretty much anyone you will have ever come across. I was trapped thousands of miles away from home, no family, no-one on my side.

there is literally nothing you can ever do/say/be that will make him stop being like this.

The sooner you cut this guy out of your life, the sooner you will start to heal. You will feel like the biggest prick on earth when you realise just how stupid you have been and for how long.

But I promise you this. In about a week you will start to feel better, safer and happier. Your stomach won't be in knots, the tension will go.

Is he really worth all that OP, you are sacrificing your own wellbeing to keep this arsehole happy, really, you have no children with him so do yourself a massive favour and leave him, I'd rather be single forever than call this a relationship, it's just him basically doing what he likes without a second thought for you, that is neither love or kindness.

I'm 10 times more pathetic than you love.

I'm happier now than I have ever been in my entire life. No New Man isn't perfect, but neither am i

But we adore each other and are there for each other and want the very best for one another.

please demand this for you too? don't give up.

I'm the wrong side of 45... if I can do it, so can you. (((hug)))

I know we need to settle into each other - no, you don't. One year should still be a honemoon period when he's at his best behaviour. You've been having issues for months.

says he's had years of been mistreated like this by his ex Let me guess, the crazy, totally unreasonable ex? You've heard stories about her, haven't you. All a tactic to make you 'behave', so you're not like the crazy one. Possible of course she wasn't that crazy after all..

I've been at my wits end for months on how to broach any topic without him going ballistic - you can't. There is nothing you can change to make him into a loving, caring partner. It's him. He's always right, you don't matter.

when it's good it's very good - of course it is. You wouldn't stay otherwise. It's all their game, showing you an attractive glimpse of what life could be, if you would only stop upsetting him all the time. It's of course just an act and a lie, it will never be good.

It's all there for us to see OP. Textbook stuff.

He's an abuser.

Please leave.