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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH informs me that we are going through a bad patch

99 replies

CbeebiesAddict · 06/09/2017 19:05

And I had no idea! Came home today and he mentioned that he is going to do more around the house as that is what his parents have suggested due to our 'bad patch'. Probing into it more it's about sex or lack there of.

First of all I just want to state that DH never puts pressure on me over sex, he also does 50% of the housework and childcare so I have no complaints on that front either.

We have a 19mo DS and we both work full time (I do it over 4 days so I get one day a week with DS and save on nursery fees). I won't lie I don't feel like sex much since DS was born. I am permanently tired and have so much on that by the time DS is in bed it's the last thing on my mind.

I also don't feel very sexy as I have put on 10kg (currently working on losing this) and am having treatment for uterine and bladder prolapses. I'm permanent covered in DS' snot and just throw on comfy clothes so don't feel attractive.

Any tips on how I can up my libido? We have sex probably twice a month at the mo. Before DS it was about twice a week so it is a big decrease. DH says he finds me so sexy but I just can't see it myself and I have to believe I am sexy to have sex.

OP posts:

Hont1986 · 06/09/2017 19:11

Fake it till you make it.

scootinFun · 06/09/2017 19:14

You'll get there, give it time. Of more interest to me is the involvement of your in laws who knew about this 'problem' before you did!

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2017 19:17

Was your husband talking about your sex life with his PARENTS? That would cause a "bad patch" for me, I can promise you.

Original poster

CbeebiesAddict · 06/09/2017 19:18

He didn't mention that it was about sex fortunately fun just mentioned a bad patch. He seemed shocked that I hadn't realised so I don't think thought anything of mentioning it to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

CbeebiesAddict · 06/09/2017 19:19

1986 have tried gritting my teeth and having sex but I just can't do it. Plus DH wants me to want to have sex if that makes sense. He would be devastated if I forced myself to. He wants me to feel sexy and to find him sexy again.

OP posts:

Mumsnut · 06/09/2017 19:20

If his parents are so concerned,, maybe they could have DS to stay with them on a few date nights. Getting out of the house, dinner, wine ... might do the trick

shivermytimbers · 06/09/2017 19:24

fake it til you make it I'd the most stupid suggestion. That implies that your husband would be happy to have sex with an unwilling partner.
I think that your feelings are completely understandable and will probably change once your DS is a bit older, your less covered in snot and you feel like you've regained control over your body.
You just need time and if you explain this to your husband he should be supportive and understanding. You can express love and affection in other ways in order to stay feeling connected.

SandysMam · 06/09/2017 19:24

It's the old classic but aim to have intimacy NOT sex. So a nice massage for him, with a happy ending if you can be bothered. Lots of kissing and cuddling but no sex. Sometime when tired, pump pump squirt can seem like just another thing to tick off the list and that it is the end goal and a race to get there. So no sex but other stuff can help iyswim!
On another note, I would be livid if my partner told his parents we were having a bad patch but not me!!!

MandalaYogaTapestry · 06/09/2017 19:24

Could a BJ be a compromise?

In terms of you not feeling like having sex, would you be willing to look at it from a different angle - I.e. doing something for your DH that is important to him and whereby showing your love? Many men do equate sex with the expression of love and may feel unloved without it, notwithstanding all good reasons.

EvansOvalPies · 06/09/2017 19:26

Hont - I really hope you meant that with your tongue in your cheek. Otherwise, what?

I'm with Scooting and Aqua - what on EARTH is your husband thinking, discussing his perceived problems regarding his sex life, with his parents, before discussing with you? Really - bizarre!

missanony · 06/09/2017 19:29

I don't think twice a month with a 19 month old is uncommon & you're doing well with your prolapse treatment to want him near you at all.

We found that just sitting down for dinner together and especially at the weekend to try and put down phones and talk really helps us to connect as a couple rather than just functioning. Sex and closeness follows that - finding your groove after kids is hard

MerryMarigold · 06/09/2017 19:34

I think that your feelings are completely understandable and will probably change once your DS is a bit older, your less covered in snot and you feel like you've regained control over your body

Unless of course you are planning another baby. If you have 3 kids, this bad patch could last 10 years if the marriage lasts that long.

I don't think twice a month is that bad, but for dh it is probably that the physical connection makes him feel emotionally connected and close to you. Are there things you can do which would make you feel closer again even if it isn't sex? You could watch a movie, find a babysitter and go out to the cinema/ meal/ walk, do stuff together with ds rather than 'divide and conquer' (it can end up like that in our house).

Also, I would ask if it is just about the sex because maybe it's not. Maybe he just feels like you don't have fun much, or you're not romantic together or you don't talk deeply.... To be honest, sex is the easiest to fix .

Anyway, make some time to have a chat, because if he feels it's a bad patch and you don't there is some major disconnection going on.

mogulfield · 06/09/2017 19:34

I didn't realise my DH thought are marriage was going through a tough patch until he told me! Also due to a reduction in sex life, intimacy is very important to him and he felt lost without it. I read a book about the 5 different 'love languages' which helped a lot. His are physical touch and quality time, so I've tried to up those 2 and he's fine again! (Mine are words and acts of service and he's worked hard on those 2).
That book made me see things very differently and helped a lot. We also had 6 sessions with relate which really helped, we weren't communicating properly and didn't realise.
Oh and the in laws shouldn't be involved in marital issues, when mine were it was a nightmare. DH under strict instructions to leave it to us, it muddied the waters and just made things worse when they were involved.

stubbornstains · 06/09/2017 19:35

I notice that, when talking of marital problems here, and on other forums, men usually mention lack of sex as the chief thing that upsets them in a relationship. Women are more likely to put lack of emotional intimacy, failure to take on their share of the family/ house shitwork or being a complete twat as being the main problem.

I find this pretty disconcerting, given that this is 2017 and all that. When it comes down to it, are men really obsessed more with sex? I mean, I've got a very healthy libido, but if there are problems in a relationship I tend to see an absence of sex as a symptom, rather than a cause.

Has your DH raised this with you? If not, why not? He doesn't sound like a hopeless case, but it's a bit obtuse of him not to get that someone still being treated for an uterine prolapse might be feeling a bit ambivalent about their body, surely?

MerryMarigold · 06/09/2017 19:38

pump pump squirt

That is so gross but so apt at times

Offred · 06/09/2017 20:20

I think it's weird that he just decided you just knew what he was feeling without talking to you and that he talked to other people before you. It's slightly weird also that he talked to his parents rather than his friends.

If you have bladder and uterine prolapse you just need to explain to him that these things are causing issues and he needs to wait until you are recovered from the birth. I think it's slightly insane that he has decided you are having a 'bad patch' without making the connection between the drop in sex and a difficult birth which has caused you actual lasting damage too!

I think there is probably nothing wrong with your libido TBH. I think you just haven't physically recovered from the birth. I'd stop having sex altogether TBH and focus on intimacy.

Exercise and a good diet will help you feel happier as well as help with losing weight.

Butterymuffin · 06/09/2017 20:31

Agree with Mumsnut that if his parents are involved their best way to help out would be babysitting so you can have time together without the kids. This doesn't have to be about sex: you might want to literally sleep together in peace, catch up on life, zone out with a box set and wine. But it allows you to rebuild your intimacy outside of parenting. Tell him to ask them. You may as well get something out of their involvement.

Offred · 06/09/2017 20:41

But the thing is it's almost always a massively bad idea to talk to family (but particularly parents) about your relationship issues. They tend to get overly involved but even if they don't it changes things in how they think of you as a couple. Parents should be kept at arms length re the actual details of their adult children's relationships.

Cambionome · 06/09/2017 20:43

Do NOT "fake it till you make it". What a hideous suggestion. You could ruin your marriage by making yourself have sex when you really don't want it.

SamanthaRBourne · 06/09/2017 20:45

Not much advise as such but twice a month? That's loads to me lol!

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2017 20:56

Offred is absolutely right. You need to have a BIG talk with your husband about appropriate boundaries in regards to what he shares with his parents. This could cause a huge problem in your relationship with them. As would be typical, his parents would take their son's side and in the process label you as the "problem." That simply is not fair to you and it's a massive violation of your privacy.

SandyY2K · 06/09/2017 21:31

I don't see his actions as being bad tbh. I'm not actually hearing that he discussed his sex life with his parents.

Offred · 06/09/2017 21:42

No not sex life, relationship issues. His parents are invested in his wellbeing. Whenever a child goes running to parents with relationship issues it changes the way the parents think of and relate to the couple. Many (particularly mums) wouldn't think twice about going straight to their DIL to have a chat about it and see if they could 'help' - really embarrassing for op if she didn't even know her husband was thinking they were going through a rough patch, some would start to actively dislike and interfere...

What good can possibly come from telling people who are so partisan in their interests about your relationship problems? It certainly isn't in the OP's interests for her PIL to know this stuff, especially because SHE didn't even know.

I'd feel mortified being around them after this.

BadHatter · 06/09/2017 22:20

Have you asked your husband how he sees his future in 5 years? Are you in this future with him?

Mrskeats · 06/09/2017 22:31

I think it's always a bad idea to involve other people in your perceived problems. As others have said it alters the family dynamic.

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