DH informs me that we are going through a bad patch

[CbeebiesAddict]

And I had no idea! Came home today and he mentioned that he is going to do more around the house as that is what his parents have suggested due to our 'bad patch'. Probing into it more it's about sex or lack there of.

First of all I just want to state that DH never puts pressure on me over sex, he also does 50% of the housework and childcare so I have no complaints on that front either.

We have a 19mo DS and we both work full time (I do it over 4 days so I get one day a week with DS and save on nursery fees). I won't lie I don't feel like sex much since DS was born. I am permanently tired and have so much on that by the time DS is in bed it's the last thing on my mind.

I also don't feel very sexy as I have put on 10kg (currently working on losing this) and am having treatment for uterine and bladder prolapses. I'm permanent covered in DS' snot and just throw on comfy clothes so don't feel attractive.

Any tips on how I can up my libido? We have sex probably twice a month at the mo. Before DS it was about twice a week so it is a big decrease. DH says he finds me so sexy but I just can't see it myself and I have to believe I am sexy to have sex.

Hmm. I don't think fake it till you make it is such a bad suggestion tbh.

Sex does tend to make you want sex more. If you get in the habit of not having it it just becomes the norm.

Do you still feel turned on by DP? Whenever I've gone through a dry patch it's usually been that there is something up with the actual sex and not me. Its got too "paint by numbers" or just plain boring.

I don't see his chatting to his parents as wrong. I like to talk to my parents to work out if I'm being unreasonable or not. They know me best, I respect them and their views. It's only on mumsnet that people seem to be of the opinion that you can't talk to anyone about your problems if you already have, or recommend talking to someone in real life if you haven't!

That's why you have friends and mumsnet
I wouldn't dream of talking to my parents or sister about my husband
It's disloyal

Fake it till you make it is standard advice actually. You definitely need to get back into the habit of sex. Bit like going to the gym. Thought of it is horrible but once you get into a routine you miss it.

Fake it till you make it? A. For a woman with lasting physical problems resulting from childbirth that are awaiting treatment? And B. Is it the advice for men too or is it just women who are expected to 'lie back and think of england?

Have you never wondered whether it is good advice or is the fact that a lot of stupid rapey people say it enough?

Relationship problems are for friends, at a push siblings IMO. Parents are too partisan and it risks making your life very uncomfortable if there is resulting weirdness between spouse and PIL.

Whenever I've gone through a dry patch it's usually been that there is something up with the actual sex and not me

Yeah, maybe a prolapsed uterus and bladder...

I didn't realise until belatedly that exH was inveighing his parents to mind the children while we went away for romantic breaks. They would arrive with weekend bags, nodding knowingly and kindly as I dazedly packed a suitcase and a breast pump to go away to Paris/London/Brussels. So I was 'lying back and putting out' on my supposed holidays, because he thought and his parents supported the notion that it was good for our relationship.

It wasn't.

I'm not sure that I read the same original post as everyone else.

The op has gained 10 kg and doesn't feel sexy. She wears frumpy clothes and feels gross about herself. This really puts her off sex. Also, she's tired.

There's a secret I'll let you in on. Your husband doesn't care about your weight. He just likes it when you are naked and in a good mood. Honestly. Ask him. Most mature men are like this. The whole "only skinny women who've never given birth are sexually attractive" thing is a myth. Even men who buy into the myth when they are young figure out it's rubish as they mature if they are well adjusted, which yours is. Naked and in a good mood is all he is asking for.

Second, try buying a few new clothes or even Jammies or a teddy in your current size. Even though you don't want to stay this size, you will feel better about yourself in cute clothes that fit. Not doing so is punishing yourself for having changed when bringing a new life into this world. It's ok that you changed. It's actually pretty freaking amazing. You are a force of nature!

Finally, give morning sex a shot, or nap time sex a try (on the weekend, obviously). Before you are completely exhausted from the day. Or have his parents watch your baby and go out (or stay in). Or swap off once a week with another couple with a child so you have a date night every other week, and they get a date night opposite weeks.

About him talking to his parents, I'm going to guess that he tried to talk to you about it many times, and you couldn't hear You what he was saying. The truth is that when a person in a marriage says the same thing over and over and over and nothing changes, it is a big problem. You need to tend your marriage, and you and your dh neeed to figure out how to be acouple again as well as being parents.

May be tell him that next time, you want him to tell you that a problem is so serious that he is considering discussing it with his parents before he actually does. But considering that their advice is that he should do more around the house, I fail to see what you have to be angry about. They are supportive of your relationship. They tell him to be a good husband. What more could you want? And the path to avoid it in the future is to take his point of view and concerns seriously.

The worst advice on this thread is the advice that he should just get over it. That's kind of what your take was on it before, and that's why he went to his parents.

My dh discussed our sex life with his parents and then they questioned me! We are now divorcing

Yes it's standard advice for men too.

The OP mentioned her prolapse. She didn't say sex was painful or uncomfortable.

Totally ignoring the rapey comment

I used to feel like this until I was fed up of hating the way I looked. I decided to buy myself some new clothes and makeup and decided to make the effort not for anybody else but for myself. It's amazing what it can do for your confidence and sex life. Trust me you're convincing yourself you look a certain way and you should dress to suit your mood I.e. tired so nice comfy clothes. Step out the comfort zone, your husband hasn't said anything about your weight, stop seeing weight as a bad thing and embrace the body that gave you such a beautiful little human. Little steps make huge changes to self confidence x

Sorry for going off radar last night, was talking to DH. I'm not cross with him about talking to his parents as they are a family who talk to each other about everything and he didn't mention sex. He can't really talk to his friends as none of them have children so I don't think would understand. Unfortunately we have no family or friends closer than 3 hours away so the only way we can date is to pay a babysitter which we do once a month. However we have to then go out which doesn't lend itself to intimacy in the same way snuggling up at home would.

I am aware that the more you have sex the more you want it but I really can't force myself to have sex when I don't want to. Sex can be a bit painful especially positions other than missionary and I find it's worse if I'm not really into it.

Talking to DH the issue is very much about intimacy as much as sex, he doesn't feel very loved so I need to work in that. I'm an introvert so by the time I have done 10 hours in work with a very chatty office colleague and then put DS to bed I just want to be left alone but I need to try harder.

We are not having more children Merry so I am hoping this will pass quite quickly and once I have lost the weight will fingers crossed keep it off. Exercise and a good diet would really help offred, I spend my evenings flopped on the sofa eating so need to break that habit.

Thanks for the tips about love languages mogul, will take a look at that. I think we express love in very different ways. I am not really sexually attracted to DH anymore but that's not about him, I don't find anyone attractive anymore, not even my favourite celebrity crushes. I am completely indifferent to sex.

Some great advice trailing DH says I am the sexiest woman alive but I just can't believe it. I do think I need to buy some clothes that fit me as wearing ones that are too tight make me feel even bigger.

When I spoke to DH he suggested reducing my hours as I am so overwhelmed but not sure how feasible that will be with work but it can't hurt to ask.

CBeebies,
You sound exactly like my wife. I'm very similar to your partner. I'm learning a lot here.

That's interesting fire what is your perspective on it?

Have just had a look at the languages of love and I think DH is personal touch and gifts and I am acts of service and words of affirmation. We ended up talking in those terms last night without knowing about the languages. I was saying how I can't understand how he doesn't feel loved when I tell him I love him multiple times a day and I am always thinking of things to do to make him happy. For example I would love to work part time and we can afford it but I know how much DH wants holidays etc so I work full time. For me that is a massive indication of my love but he can't see that. I am also planning Christmas with all his family this year as I know how much he wants a big family Christmas in our new house.

But I guess that if physical touch and gifts are his language then what I am doing is getting nowhere. Equally his ways of expressing love dont mean much to me.

My oldest is 14 my youngest 5 & we have a couple in between. I have some prolapse too. I never felt like sex post baby - more nurturing. Dh had an emotional affair for 5 years which I've just found out about. I think your Dh has done really well noticing and acting even if his actions weren't apprpropriate. We are talking dissecting and sorting out how we got here but I wish we had prevented the problem instead. That love book sounds great.
If it helps at all my physio said orgasm would help the prolapse - I was scared it would damage me further.

CBeebies,

Well for a start, you sound like you are already trying hard, my wife doesn't do the little things you mention. I think she's just overwhelmed with everything (partly her choice - she has a demanding job that she wants to do and takes on additional work - I think it's part of her attempt to regain professional status after spending too long watching Iggle Piggle).

But for me I feel very unloved. Physical touch is king and trumps everything really but I'm not (or rarely) getting that. I'm not even talking about sex. If she'd just walk up to me occasionally and give me a hug and kiss it would make my day.

In terms of sex, I'd be happy to accept 'just fiddling about' if she didn't feel like having sex at the moment because she feels bad about her body or any other issues. Just knowing that she was keen to be intimate with me and wanted to would do it for me.

We are not getting any younger and the stress of kids has taken its toll on both of us (lumps, bumps, greying hair etc). I honestly don't care and would just like to see my wife wearing nothing but a smile.

If your DH really loves you then all the issues you mentioned will not be a problem. They really won't. He just wants more intimacy with you.

What is his actual problem, he's getting sex twice a month and you have a baby of 19 months and are exhausted, what is HE doing to improve things for you????

God, if I have to read one more selfish man syndrome not getting his cake I'll scream, stop pandering to his childishness.

If I was worried that sex might be painful that would put me right off. This is presumably because of the prolapses? What does your dr say about it? It could be worth asking specifically about help with pain during sex - drs sometimes focus so much on the root problem they forget to consider possible short term solutions for symptom relief.

Otherwise, sex not involving intercourse could be the best way of getting past the pain barrier. You and your husband sound like you have a very good relationship to me (bad patch aside!) so I'm sure you can talk about different possibilities.

But what's going on in your head is a different matter. When my children were small, the only thing I wanted in bed was sleep. I remember my DH asking if I felt like having sex for the first time after DC1 and thinking 'Are you insane? The only thing I want in bed is sleep.' I tried to explain, but a bit more tactfully because like your husband, mine needs to feel desired not endured. We made it work by me getting more rest, usually at the weekends. Sex still sometimes felt a bit like the final chore of the day, but I found once we began I would get into it and enjoy it. So maybe you could cut down your working hours if that's what you want, or maybe you just need a bit more child free time at home?

I'm now 55, the size of a small house and when I take my bra off my boobs hang somewhere round my knees. But my husband still seems to find me attractive (maybe he really is insane?) and we have a pretty good sex life. In fact, we still use 'Would you like a little rest?' as our secret code even though the youngest is 14!

Don't beat yourself up for not realising he wasn't happy or blame him for not talking to you about it more clearly. Time speeds up so crazily once you have a child it's easy to miss things or let them fester. But while of course you shouldn't feel pressured into having sex you don't want, the idea of going through the rest of your life 'completely indifferent to sex' is a pretty miserable prospect for both of you.

You might enjoy exercising together? It can be intimate and physical to have it as a shared activity (without necessarily leading to sex--you should not be under any kind of pressure in this way) and as you get fitter you'll feel better physically and either lose weight or maybe not mind the extra weight as you'll know you're stronger and more active than you were and that's more important than the exact number on the scale Even if you can't do a lot now with your prolapse, maybe there's a gentle way you could start this as a shared activity (check with your doctor first ...)

I personally hate the "fake it til you make it" advice, I think it can be truly destructive but it all depends on the dynamics of the relationship and the individuals in it.

It's like sexism bingo on this thread. 'Fake it till you make it' 'dress yourself up' 'your husband fancies you anyway'

Has no-one considered the fact that actually if sex is painful (which it can be when you have an untreated prolapse) you would be insane to want to do it (and rapey if you want to do it to a woman in those circs)? Has no-one considered that actually not having lost baby weight and still suffering problems from birth as well as having a toddler can make a woman in herself not feel particurlarly like sex even without the pain and that it is not actually about the woman's partners feelings about whether he still wants to have sex with her or see her naked? That dressing in nice clothes doesn't actually solve any of those real actual problems?

If you're worried about your prolapse a satisfying sex life doesn't have to involve intercourse- maybe you should focus on non- penetrative sex for a bit to build up the association between touch and pleasure - I bet you tense right up when you're scared it's going to hurt (and no wonder!) so maybe removing that worry could help?

OP I think this is really normal.

DH and I went through something like this when the DC were very young. Like you, I didn't realise until DH told me (I had assumed we were both happy with less frequent sex) and he was surprised I hadn't realised.

Communication is important here. We went on a marriage course which helped. Also I think my DH needed to realise that twice a month is not bad for a couple with a baby!

Incidentally, we did the love languages thing and it turns out my DH is acts of service and time together whereas I am (like you) all about words of affirmation. It's good as a way of framing your conversations.

Our DC are older now and our marriage is strong. I hope you find the same.

@offred I think that the most sexist thing on the thread is the notion that if a woman puts on a little weight, she is too gross to have sex. If a man said such a thing, everyone would want him drawn and quartered. Yet a woman's self talk saying the exact same thing is largely unquestioned. It's still sexist. It's still body shaming. That fact that it is inside many women's head doesn't make it OK, or even true. Realizing that the man you fell in love and want to spend the rest of your life with doesn't think that way can really help a woman move past this bizarre societal notion, perpetuated by companies who want to sell us things.

Has no-one considered that actually not having lost baby weight and still suffering problems from birth as well as having a toddler can make a woman in herself not feel particurlarly like sex....?

Yes, every one sees that quite clearly. The real question is what to do about it. This is a common problem after having children, and the divide on the thread seems to be between women who have been there and worked through it, and women who are still stuck there. just because it is really and truly where someone is, doesn't mean that have to set up camp and live there.

This is the thing. Your body isn't going to go backward. Even if you get back to pre-pregnancy weight, nearly all women have stretch marks, scars, or other changes after having a baby. We all have to just get over it. And yes, dressing in clothes that fit and that you like does help with self acceptance (regardless of your gender or weight).

Babies are a lot of work. Toddlers are a lot of work. Children are work, so are adolescents and teens. Frankly, things don't really let up until our little bundles of joy leave for university. You cannot put your marriage on hold that long.

When a woman is married to a good person (and there are so, so many signs that the OP is), then one of the best things we can do for our children is to tend out marriage: to really listen, empathizes with their point of view, spend time enjoying be a couple in ALL ways (including sex). I'm not being sexist when I say that, it works for men married to good woman, or for same sex couples.

@CbeebiesAddict I think that its great that you and your DH had a real talk and are really communicating. He sounds very supportive and understanding, and like he really is in the relationship to make it work long term and grow old together. I also think that talking to older people who made a marriage work rather than peers who don't have kids is a mark in his favor.

To me, it sounds like cutting back on work hours for a while if possible would really, really help. You sound tired and overwhelmed, may be even a little depressed. Just wanting to lay on the couch and eat, and not feeling sexually attracted to anyone aren't great signs. Figuring out how to make yourself happy could be a very good thing.

One thing in your post jumps out at me, "I am always thinking of things to do to make him happy." As counterintuitive as it seems, I think that stepping back from trying to make him happy and instead spending more time and energy trying to make yourself happy would actually be good for your marriage. What would make you happy? Seeing some old friends and having a girls night out? Joining a book club? Leaving him and your child one evening a week long enough to go to a yoga class? I don't know you so I don't have any idea what it is. May be just giving yourself the freedom to try different things until you figure it would help.

It sounds like you live far from family and from old friends, and a lack of support system makes things a bit harder, but every action you to take toward liking your own life more, enjoying being in your own skin more, and finding joy in the everyday is a step toward both your own happiness and him feeling like the rough patch is over.