DH informs me that we are going through a bad patch

[CbeebiesAddict]

And I had no idea! Came home today and he mentioned that he is going to do more around the house as that is what his parents have suggested due to our 'bad patch'. Probing into it more it's about sex or lack there of.

First of all I just want to state that DH never puts pressure on me over sex, he also does 50% of the housework and childcare so I have no complaints on that front either.

We have a 19mo DS and we both work full time (I do it over 4 days so I get one day a week with DS and save on nursery fees). I won't lie I don't feel like sex much since DS was born. I am permanently tired and have so much on that by the time DS is in bed it's the last thing on my mind.

I also don't feel very sexy as I have put on 10kg (currently working on losing this) and am having treatment for uterine and bladder prolapses. I'm permanent covered in DS' snot and just throw on comfy clothes so don't feel attractive.

Any tips on how I can up my libido? We have sex probably twice a month at the mo. Before DS it was about twice a week so it is a big decrease. DH says he finds me so sexy but I just can't see it myself and I have to believe I am sexy to have sex.

What contraception are you using? I was totally indifferent to sex on the mini pill (though ds was also very young, I was exhausted etc.) By the time I came off it (vasectomy) I'd actually forgotten what arousal felt like, and it took a few years to remember. Intimacy helped ME with that, sorry Wunderkind.

Now with ds a teenager our sex life is much better - er, at twice a month. That's our sex life at its best at the mo. If dh were offered more sex I'm sure he would take it - with me. But as it is, if he wants a sex life with me, twice a month is where it's at, plus a lot of other touching. Marriage is a long haul, there are peaks and troughs.

I can't believe how many people on here are recommending reducing work hours because of this. Least feminist solution ever?

The problem is in the OP's head, it's within her power to sort it out, if she wants to. Just go have sex/do sexual things. Problem solved.

I 2nd that the mini pill is a libido killer, i stopped taking it for that reason & we used condoms for a while. I always find having a bath helps & it's an opportunity to shave my legs properly & bikini area maintenance.
Could you both cut down to 4 days without trying to do compressed hours? It would help if there was a day when your dh was home when you'd been at work, as well as having a day at home yourself.

With regard the prolapse I have seen a consultant who has said that for now management is not physio but surgery may be considered in future. I think the fear of pain is worse than it actually is iyswim. I am nervous all through sex in case the angle changes and it gets painful rather than finding it painful at the time.

I really can't have sex if I don't want to but I will try spending some time with DH during a naptime just messing around and see what happens. He would be very happy with non PIV as he has stated that intimacy is important not just sex.

Contraception wise I have the copper coil and he has had a vasectomy so don't have any hormones that could be messing with my head. I think it is exhaustion coupled with being an introvert which means that in the small amounts of work/child free time I have I just want to be alone. Need to carve out more time for myself at the weekends.

Thanks for all the advice I really appreciate it.

Following with interest as we have a similar problem. On the topic of reducing hours, I notice that no-one has suggested the DH reduces his hours to take on more of the domestic load to give the OP a break!

Exactly - sexist bingo... dressing nicely, being unattractive is ok as long as your husband wants to do sex on you you are lovable, you're worried about pain but you should reduce your hours at work so that you can focus on giving him more sex.

Reality is until the prolapse is better sex is going to be something you approach with (reasonable) fear. That's the be all and end all IMO and I find it strange that he hasn't understood all by himself that someone who is afraid sex will cause them pain (for a genuine medical issue) isn't keen on PIV.

The relationship isn't 'going through a rough patch'. You are going through a rough time recovering from childbirth. Rather than be supportive and understanding he has made it all about him and his 'needs' and then he's gone to his parents to talk about it rather than you, which if it were me would make me feel under a huge amount of scrutiny and pressure when in reality there is very little you can actually do about it.

I'm really not fussed about him talking to his parents, he is very close to them and they are the kind of family who share these sort of things. If he has mentioned sex that would have been an issue but he didn't.

He is very supportive but physical intimacy is very important to him and he doesn't feel we are married without it, just co parents. I do think that if I increase the non PIV contact between us then he will be reassured that I love him.

You need to schedule sex once a week (during a baby's weekend nap time is ideal, energy-wise), and then stick to it

No. You really don't "need" to do this. At all.
Maybe the husband can buy some nice clothes and get his hair done, to feel better about himself. And to help him feel more attractive to you..
You know, twice a month, with a fecking prolapse, a toddler and a full time job is pretty good going! ?
Tell him to get a grip. In a year or so you will feel much less tired, and gradually things will get back to where they were.
You don't need to "give him a bj" or "just do sex stuff, duh" or change your hair (unless you want to).
Grown men need to understand that babies can change things for a good while and get the fuck over it.
I was shattered when I had a 19 month old. I didn't even realise it until he turned 3 and I suddenly started to feel like my old self.
(Luckily there was no man to add to the stress!)

Ok, so taking the parents thing out of it, it still remains that it is actually him that needs to adjust his expectations of marriage TBH. Quite simply nobody can actually expect physical intimacy from anyone else, married or not. A marriage or LTR goes through dips like this whether that's after babies or with health problems. If he had phimosis awaiting treatment and PIV was painful for him would it be OK for you to say 'without physical intimacy I don't feel married and maybe you should cut your work hours'? Or would it be reasonable to expect that you actually just be supportive and understanding and adjust your desire for physical intimacy until the treatment is completed and he is no longer in fear of pain?

CBeebies
That's exactly it. What are you now - a married couple or co parents?
There's a lot of responses here suggesting he should just put up with things as they are but that's not the point.
He wants more intimacy with you and that's it. It doesn't need to be sex if you are not happy with that but it does need to be something. A hug, holding hands, kissing, massage, hand job, bj, whatever. He, like myself with my wife, just wants to know that you still love him and it's the intimacy and willingness for that which will do that.

I'm sure you can find a happy balance that works for you both.

Problems always happen when one part of a couple stops feeling like physical intimacy but most suggestions are usually geared around the woman needing to make the changes to accommodate the man. In reality the healthy thing is for the person who is not struggling with physical intimacy to be supportive and sensitive with the person struggling with it.

For example making sure that whatever happens goes at their pace, it gives them pleasurable experiences of physical intimacy so that they start feeling better about it.

If you go down the route of making demands and feeling the need for the partner to 'compromise' the whole problem gets worse because what happens is the person who is struggling has more negative experiences which make them feel even worse.

(And it is not always the woman who has gone off physical intimacy)

But you are having sex, so you're not just co-parents. As PP have said, what is he doing to give you the time to yourself you need? You have long days at work as you do compressed hours - does he take over in the evenings in acknowledgement of the fact his work days are shorter than yours? My DH does compressed hours (10 days over 9), so I do more household/ childcare in the evenings because I'm home earlier, for example.

Yeah,this is the thing. Sex once a fortnight is still sex. You are hardly celibate. Don't let sex become another chore you have to perform. There are ebbs and flows in all long term relationships. You can still have a cuddle- it doesn't have to be like that forever.
And I agree with Offred that this sounds like your rough time, rather than a rough patch between the two of you.
I also agree that if he had a medical problem that made sex difficult for a while you would just have to be supportive and curb your enthusiasm for a while. To me a rough patch is where you are not getting along, but your OP doesn't sound like that to me.

I think you have done really well so far op and it sounds, from what you are writing, that your conversations have got you to a place where he is not demanding sex but would like more intimacy and is not putting pressure on you for PIV which is great given the prolapse. I also think you have an ideal balance on household chores and I think it's great that he's decided doing more round the house is a start. It sounds like he's prepared to work hard at your relationship.

You said earlier that you would like to work part time but work full time because he likes going on holiday. I think you should both re visit this, perhaps there is a compromise to be made? UK holidays/climate/sandy beaches suited us best with young children - lets face it 'holiday' is the wrong word for anywhere i go with my kids- perhaps he has unrealistic expectations!

I would approach intimacy with a view to what you want done to you rather than what you can do for him. It would be nice to re awaken a desire rather than to force it and it's going to take some work on his part, perhaps he can divert his energy from the extra chores he's being doing round the house.

Just having the prolapses is good enough reason to feel uncomfortable about having sex.

Loss of intimacy is far more of an issue than sex IMO, best to tackle it now before it escalates. What you are describing soinds ever so familiar and for us got worse and worse. Sex twice a month became twice a year became never for a few years. No hugs, no kisses, no verbal expression of love no intimacy or affection, just a friendship.

For me feeling contantly rejected for years lead to a breakdown, a feeling of worthlessness and depression.

Only when she started to believe that I would leave when the kids had gone to uni did she begin to work with me on our relationship. Which thankfully is now on the mend.

The reason intimacy has dried up is always the most important thing to know though. Sometimes people get locked into feeling rejected> becoming pressurising> leading to rejection but in reality there are a huge number of things that can lead to a loss of intimacy and/or sex.

In this situation it seems like a combination of pain (or worry about pain) during PIV leading to apprehension about sex, difficulty adjusting to how your body has changed after childbirth (inc the prolapses) and being tired and touched out.

What your husband has suggested is that you drop your work down to fewer hours which in reality doesn't involve him doing anything at all to support you. Accepting that PIV is likely to be completely off the table until the prolapses are treated and him taking on more housework and childcare to allow you time to exercise/socialise would help improve your mood IMO (and if you want to cut your hours do, especially if the only reason is for him to go on holidays).

Prick him with a large needle with every thrust, next time you have sex. See how keen he is to do it again when he knows that's what it will feel like.

I'm a huge believer in the importance of sex in a relationship, but pain is pain.

I will try spending some time with DH during a naptime just messing around and see what happens. He would be very happy with non PIV as he has stated that intimacy is important not just sex.

This is seems an awesome solution because you are guys are really listening to each other while staying true to yourselves.

With regard the prolapse I have seen a consultant who has said that for now management is not physio but surgery may be considered in future.

I don't really understand this. It sounds like you are getting neither physio or surgery. What are you doing to heal? This is a link to a web site with information about exercises and such that help some women:
wholewoman.com/newpages/cystocele.html
There is a lot of information and discussion forms. Perhaps you will find something that is helpful to you.

Contraception wise I have the copper coil and he has had a vasectomy so don't have any hormones that could be messing with my head.

Because your DH has now had a vasectomy, you could opt to have the copper coil removed. While it didn't cause your prolapse, it isn't helping you heal. Because you have prolapse, it may be making sex less comfortable. I suggest scheduling a visit with your provider and having it removed and having a frank conversation about pain during sex and the impact of that pain on your life.

Good luck.

Yes I was confused why no physio. I would question that as I was given to understand that it was always used for managing symptoms. No experience of coil but it's always sounded uncomfortable to me!

Apologies I meant I am having some physio!

Well, after going off on one massively after another rejection, I managed to calm down enough today to be able to talk to DH, two days later. Dh and I had a frank exchange. I said I felt down because he hardly ever touches me, kisses me or hugs me. There is precious little physical contact overall. Could do with more sex, but it is really the lack of intimacy which is making me miserable.

Because of this, it does not feel to me like he loves me anymore or finds me attractive. Husband sounded incredulous I would think that and was adamant it is not true. I said that I already feel bad about myself and the way I look now, having put on a lot of weight after three children and obviously being 15 years older than when we first met. That I feel lonely, unappreciated, ugly, a disgusting fat slob and old. DH was very surprised to hear I felt this way. He had no idea! He genuinely did not realise that physical touch was so important to me. He exclaimed he wished I had said something sooner.

The thing is you don't always know yourself what is making you miserable. It is not until physical aspect got really scant, it sort of screamed at me.

When we started talking, we were sitting opposite each other at an arm's length. Some time into the conversation (and me crying though it), DH put his hand on my knee and a little later beckoned me to come nestle next to him. Presently, I remarked if he noticed how my heart rate has come down since he put his arm round me. He did not notice! He had no idea touch had such an effect on me, as he is not a touchy-feely person.

DH promised me he will do something about it going forward and asked him to tell him sooner if anything is wrong/making me unhappy. So, I am relieved and hopeful...

From his side, DH said that he would like me to be pleasant to him more, have a good attitude and smile more. So I will be working on this :)

had amazing sex after