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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH informs me that we are going through a bad patch

99 replies

CbeebiesAddict · 06/09/2017 19:05

And I had no idea! Came home today and he mentioned that he is going to do more around the house as that is what his parents have suggested due to our 'bad patch'. Probing into it more it's about sex or lack there of.

First of all I just want to state that DH never puts pressure on me over sex, he also does 50% of the housework and childcare so I have no complaints on that front either.

We have a 19mo DS and we both work full time (I do it over 4 days so I get one day a week with DS and save on nursery fees). I won't lie I don't feel like sex much since DS was born. I am permanently tired and have so much on that by the time DS is in bed it's the last thing on my mind.

I also don't feel very sexy as I have put on 10kg (currently working on losing this) and am having treatment for uterine and bladder prolapses. I'm permanent covered in DS' snot and just throw on comfy clothes so don't feel attractive.

Any tips on how I can up my libido? We have sex probably twice a month at the mo. Before DS it was about twice a week so it is a big decrease. DH says he finds me so sexy but I just can't see it myself and I have to believe I am sexy to have sex.

OP posts:

Offred · 07/09/2017 18:12

I haven't seen anyone say that TBH though.

That is, unfortunately, a thing that exists in our culture and it, unfortunately, does influence how women feel about their bodies after childbirth.

What to do about sex being painful when you have a prolapse is not have PIV until the prolapse has been treated.

The stuff about how sexism criticisizes women's bodies and how that influences how women feel about their bodies is not really something an individual can do much about. I don't think it helps to say 'your man fancies you anyway' because that implies that your body is unattractive and that what really matters re your feelings about your own body is whether your male partner still wants to have sex on it.

TrailingWife · 07/09/2017 18:26

@offred We all have a choice about what goes on inside our own heads. We choose which thoughts to keep, run through over and over, and believe. We can question our assumptions. We can change how we think.

How we feel about our own bodies is FAR more important than what anyone else, even our life partner thinks about it. However, someone else loving our soft curves and wanting to make love to us is something we can use as proof for ourselves that we are lovable.

I think this is part of why women don't reach their sexual peek until their late 30s. It takes us that long to accept out that how wonderful sex feels for either us or our partner isn't tied to how we look.

Offred · 07/09/2017 20:38

That's your opinion but it is really rather irrelevant to what I was saying re telling a woman who has a prolapse and sometimes finds sex painful and is uncomfortable with a weight gain that she should lie back and think of england and that it's ok because even though the weight gain is unattractive her husband wants to have sex with her so everything is ok.

BIWI · 07/09/2017 20:44

And what is your DH doing to help you, OP? Why must this all be about you being the problem?

FFS.

Offred · 07/09/2017 20:44

And at best it is incredibly naive at best to conflate someone else wanting to have sex with you with you being lovable.

A feeling that you are lovable comes from the love you show to yourself and not people wanting to have sex with you.

TrailingWife · 07/09/2017 21:09

@offred I never said any one should lie back and think of England or that anyone is unattractive.

Women are far harder on their own looks than men are. A lot harder.

Not wanting to make love with your spouse because you hate your own body and think it's disgusting will take a serious toll on you marriage.

TrailingWife · 07/09/2017 21:17

@biwi he was doing half the childcare and housework, and is now doing more; he is supportive of her working full time or part time, which ever she prefers; he has been patient for 19 months while she recovered from childbirth and is still being patient, looking for what he can do rather than make demands on her.

Offred · 07/09/2017 21:26

Except that he isn't really being that patient re sex is he? Or communicative.

They are having sex twice a month, which is less than before but he hasn't thought enough about the connection between the prolapse equalling painful sex, the being touched out by a toddler having an effect and he didn't even talk to his wife about his dissatisfaction. He talked to his parents.

Offred · 07/09/2017 21:29

Instead of being worried about how long the OP has been dealing with the physical problems from the birth he has decided their relationship is having problems and then gone to his parents to discuss it not his wife, the one who is actually in the relationship with him.

And I didn't say you had said or implied those things I said the thread had become sexist bingo.

Offred · 07/09/2017 21:30

And I didn't say you had said or implied those things I said the thread had become sexist bingo.

Joysmum · 07/09/2017 21:34

he didn't even talk to his wife about his dissatisfaction. He talked to his parents

I don't see an issue with that.

If I have a problem, I'd rather talk it through to be sure IANBU and get an idea of how best to approach things rather than fuck things up by phrasing things the wrong way. Plus it's best to have suggestions of how to change things for the better to open up diologue rather than just saying I'm unhappy with no clue on how to proceed. He's talked with a view to trying to make things better, not to bitch. Big difference.

Offred · 07/09/2017 21:53

It's not about bitching. I guess thinking about it I'd think it was a bit childish, possibly unhealthy enmeshment with parents for an adult and quite disloyal since I would feel embarrassed spending time with them after that.

Plus really? Help with sorting it out when it is a problem with sex?

TrailingWife · 07/09/2017 22:00

its very common in marriages for one person to talk and talk and talk to their spouse about what isn't working for them without the other spouse ever realizing it's actually a problem.

I suspect he did talk to her, she blew it off, and she didn't realize it was a problem until he went outside the marriage for advice. He got good advice.

JustWonderingZ · 07/09/2017 23:21

Going through similar. Three young kids. At least, your DH, OP, has a strong candid relationship with his parents and feels he can talk to them. Problem shared is problem solved. Sadly, like many posters on this thread I feel unable to confide in my parents about this issue, I know in advance what they will have to say and that it will hurt me even more. I cannot discuss it with other people in rl as I feel it is being disloyal. I know the best thing I can do is talk to DH. However, at the moment feeling too upset to talk to DH. He does not get what is wrong, although like previous pp has said, I have tried explaining it to him many times. Will try again once I have calmed down

JustWonderingZ · 07/09/2017 23:47

fire, your post sums it up exactly how I feel. My DH is more 'quality time' person, as in craves my undivided attention and loves to talk at to me at length. But it does nothing for me! I will be happy with us being silent all night provided he sits there with his arm round me. It is very hard to explain to a non-tactile person. The importance of touch. It is intimate, it means closeness, trust, openness, feeling loved, special. As in, I don't want to touch my colleague or neighbour two doors down, as they do not mean to me what my DH does. But DH doesn't get it that I want to touch him because he is special, and if he does not touch me, I see it as I am not too different from a stranger. I know it is not true, but I cannot help feeling unloved without physical touching and intimacy. (Must work on communication)

Talith · 08/09/2017 04:07

Don't fake it. Don't have sex unless you want sex.

IrritatedUser1960 · 08/09/2017 05:12

Isn't it ALWAYS about sex, why are men so constantly sex needy? Not one of them seems to understand that when your kids are very young and you work that you might not feel like it.
They are like toddlers demanding sweets.
Would it kill them not to be so demanding? If any of this was said to me I'd just be asking them to bag their bags and feck off until they have grown up a bit.
Presumably NO concern about your prolapse.

NewDaddie · 08/09/2017 05:54

OP doesn't seem to have a problem with the parents in law so I don't know why the pp do. Unless they think marriage is only about sparkly dresses and money poems.

Wunderkind77 · 08/09/2017 06:00

You need to schedule sex once a week (during a baby's weekend nap time is ideal, energy-wise), and then stick to it. If you want to have more sex, that's what's going to work. Just go for it, it's only sex. No need to build it into a massive deal - it's 15 mins out of your weekend! I'm in the fake it til you make it camp. It has gotten a lot of my friends back in the saddle.

Wunderkind77 · 08/09/2017 06:04

Also, all of these "enjoy emotional dinners together"/"try exercising together" ideas are totally left field. If you want to have more sex, address the actual issue head on and have more sex. Simple. Just do it. If it's sore, go down on each other instead. You need to beak the cycle. It's not rocket science.

Wunderkind77 · 08/09/2017 06:21

Finally (sorry, I have more advice on this!), I have a friend who was worried because she'd stopped having orgasms with her partner. It made her really tense and put a lot of pressure on both of them. The situation wasn't getting any better, and so she decided to fale a few orgasms to take the pressure off of herself/the situation. It worked a treat and broke the spell. Once the pressure was off herself in her head, she got back to real orgasms really quickly. I think the "fake it til you make it advice" is just acknowledging that orgasms can be really psychological things, and feeling pressure from yourself to enjoy it/cum can have the opposite effect. It frees you up a bit so that you can get back to your preferred sex life.

birdsdestiny · 08/09/2017 06:23

Op has been really clear that she can't have sex when she doesn't want to. She has said it 3 times at least. I couldn't do that either. It's really important to hear what she is saying.

Wunderkind77 · 08/09/2017 06:39

Fgs, then what's the point of asking for advice?

Also - go down on your husband then, and/or have him go down on you. This really isn't the unsolvable puzzle you're making it out to be.

Joysmum · 08/09/2017 06:50

Help with sorting it out when it is a problem with sex?

Reread the OP's post at 8:50. She that it's about intimacy and feeling loved and that he didn't mention sex as it's a symptom of that.

I have the same sort of relationship with both my parents in that now I'm an adult they are both good friends and we can talk about anything. That's a good thing and then hope my daughter will feel able to talk thing through and ask for advice with me and her df too.

Wunderkind77 · 08/09/2017 06:53

"Intimacy" - lol! The problem is with sex - why skirt around the issue?

The husband says the problem is too little sex. The wife is like "I wonder what the problem is? Intimacy?"

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