How to re kindle our sex life

[relightourfire]

Hope this is in the right forum....

I wonder if anyone can help me with ideas of how to re-kindle my sex life with my wife. I've read a few threads on this forum but everyone's situation is a little different. I'd appreciate female views on this, even if it means I get condemned on this forum.

We are both in our 40s and two children (8 and 4) have taken their toll on our relationship. We've done a pretty good job so far of raising them but it's been at the expense of our relationship as we forgot to keep looking after ourselves as a couple and resentment over trivial things crept in on both sides.

We ended up having counselling for this and I think it's worked well. We've dealt with a lot of issues, sorted the resentment out and are at least starting to function as a loving couple again and are getting on better than we have in years - with the exception of a sex life which has been pretty bad for many years.

I'll hold my hand up now and confess I got rather into porn and I realise now that it hasn't helped at all with this (or previous) relationship. What I thought was just a guilty secret and a way of unwinding has turned out to be a form of addiction and I get that now and am making amends. I've basically stopped looking at it, turned the internet filters on and am trying to focus on having a satisfying sex life instead. I asked my wife how we move forward with that and her answer was slowly. The thing is, the frequency of how often we have a sexual encounter of any kind is probably once a month if we are lucky and then it's all under her terms and over in a matter of minutes. I don't see her having any desire for anything other than her vibrator and there's not really any way we can move forward with that frequency. She's not really one for discussing any of this either. Opportunity is also a major issue and she's normally too tired after the children are in bed and too busy in the mornings.

I'm not a selfish person and very much want her to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sex life too. I get the whole rejection thing that some women feel about partners who've viewed porn and I guess that's the major issue I have to tackle now.

If any mums out there have been in this situation and have tried to move forward (rather than splitting and moving on) then I'd be interested to hear how you did it and what sort of timescales were involved.

We came very close to splitting up earlier this year but both decided we didn't want that and the counselling helped a lot of issues. That's all good but life is also very short and I'm struggling with the idea of being with someone who just isn't interested (either in sex or in me, or both).

If she won't talk, you need to sort communication out before anything else. Did the counselling give you any tools to use in this respect?

Also, don't forget listening is just as important, may be more so, than talking. Not just verbally, but body language, time etc.

Sorry, time should have been tone, as in tone of voice.

Your wife probably feels totally undesirable following changes in her body following having babies and also feeling undermined by your attraction to porn.

Find ways to help her feel more attractive might help. Try flirting but without any pressure to actually have sex. [like you would if you had only just met her] I guess she might be with-holding sex as a method of disapproval unless you really have talked everything through and both moved on from the past.

I would sort out any unresolved emotional barriers between you. That is the key. Having great sex with wild abandon is nigh impossible if there is any tension other than sexual tension between you. Get a baby sitter go on some dates, you can both make an effort to look nice and not be bedraggled parents for a change. Reconnect emotionally, the rest will hopefully follow.

Are you still in counselling? Because this is one of the many issues that still needs talking about.

But you say she won't talk about it. Did you bring it up in counselling. What other issues has she not yet got over?

Your post sounds like you think there may be a quick'ish fix to this. But I suspect you are naieve and deluded if you think there is.

Thanks, I must say that the counselling has helped with our communication but I still find this particular subject hard to talk to her about (as in I do now, once upon a time it was easy). It's almost like she's become quite prudish now (after childbirth) and talking about anything 'unnecessary' like sex is difficult. I just feel like a total perv even raising the subject. We've finished the counselling now but could go back if we wanted.

Yes, we have started to have date nights and I can feel that things are gradually getting better. We do spend most of our time as bedraggled parents and so I can see it's important to make an effort once a week or fortnight. I guess I am probably naive in thinking there's a quick fix.
I can understand her feeling undermined by the porn. She's doing her best to get back in shape (and I'm trying too as well).

I knew becoming a parent would change things, I probably wasn't prepared for how much....!

Your post sounds like you think there may be a quick'ish fix to this. But I suspect you are naieve and deluded if you think there is.

Not sure I read that in the OP to be honest, but I do think it's a fundamental difference between many men and woman.

I am in a similar position with my wife. Her response is that we won't have a decent sex life until she feels more loved, more cared for - which I fully understand. What she can't tell me is how long this might take, and to be brutally honest I am getting older and can't help feeling I could be waiting for ever and never see an improvement.

My preferred course of action, as a man (but also an individual, so not speaking for all men) would be to crack on and start having more sex, and more interesting sex and personally I could start doing that right now and that we would both see improvements in all aspects of the relationship.

I think that the key is spending time together where you can be affectionate without any pressure to have sex. Once you're comfortable ahd happy, the sex should follow.

It's very hard to get back in the habit after being consumed by small children. We now, rather unromantically will be quite honest and just ask if the other fancies it.

scooby I do think that the more you do it, the more you want it.

"scooby I do think that the more you do it, the more you want it."

I think that may be true. I also think that for a tired, overworked and harassed mum, the less you have it the less you think you need it.

That's kind of what I want to turn around. We'll have a date night, go for a nice meal or something, have a lovely time and then we'll come home and she'll yawn as she walks through the door and go straight to bed (to sleep, nothing else). Happens all the time.

I agree with missanony, non sexual intimacy and affection can help things progress naturally. Sometimes when there are issues around sex we neglect physical affection completely, out of fear of rejection, or wanting the other person to initiate first, which is really counterproductive and just perpetuating the cycle. On a daily basis a genuine hug, hand hold etc can really make a difference. It is also true that great sex is often synonymous with an overall healthy relationship. You say that the counselling has been beneficial to your communication, which is great. Do you do small things to show your wife that you care? Tell her that you love her? Listen to her? Express gratitude for her just being her?

I think you could be flogging a dead horse. If she's not willing to meet half way, I'd be questioning your future.

I'd echo what Chloe e said, plus ask what simple little signs she gives you that you values you as more than "just" the other parent.

Personally I think men and women approach sex from opposite sides - men want sex in order to feel loved, and women want love in order to feel ... Sexy? That's a huge generalisation, obvs.

Is the porn an issue to her? Personally again I don't have any issue with it, and you are entitled to a solo sex life regardless of your shared one.

*that she values you

It's true that the more you do it, the more you want it. Unfortunately for you, she doesn't want to have sex with the man who is/was addicted to porn.

She wants that man to disappear and the man she believed found her attractive and desireable and 'enough' to return.

There will probably be times when she fancies you stupid and is saying to herself, "you know, tonight could be a really good opportunity...".

But then, as the day goes on, she remembers that you are the man who preferred to wank to porn in secret and she feels disgusted and unattractive all over again.

She is probably caught between wanting to get past it and have sex with you again and never wanting sex with that man ever again.

Personally I think men and women approach sex from opposite sides - men want sex in order to feel loved, and women want love in order to feel ... Sexy? That's a huge generalisation,
Completely agree and it is very very easy to end up in a vicious circle. It really takes an effort and compromise from both sides.

In my personal situation I don't know if I can be arsed any more. I have done everything she has asked for years. Not pressuring for sex, affection without expectations, helping more with the kids, helping more round the house, date nights etc etc.

She keeps telling me things will improve on the rare occasion I do raise it, but since she got what she wanted (two kids) it just seems to be right off the radar and honestly I fell used and like life is passing me by.

Scooby one of my best friends could have written that word for word.

If it weren't for the fact I can't see him using mn, I'd wonder if you were he...

Should have added that, knowing someone in that situation very well, I understand how difficult it can be.

I don't know your circs, scooby, but I think the op is different in that he has created the distance between them with his choices. That's far harder to overcome I think.

And yet if a bloke leaves purely because he isn't feeling loved or getting the sex life he desires, or he seeks it elsewhere, he is seen as a twat. If a woman just decides she can't be arsed any more and makes no attempts to improve things people generally think she is perfectly entitled to do so and he should just suck it up.

"With my body I honour thee" etc.

What was your sex life like before? Why does she have a vibrator?

As a female I have virtually non existent, unfulfilling sex life. I opened this thread to see if I could pick up any tips. My DH wasn't addicted to porn, he just as a very low sex drive and erectile problems. However as time goes on we have tried to rekindle intamacy but without much success and each time I feel ever more distant. I put this in a box in my head and just get on with life (and my vibrator, as its reliable). I'm not sure how things will end up. But I did read an article that resonated so much with me - when asked why they weren't interested in sex with their partners, most women said it was because 'he never considers me'. If I can find the article I'll post a link to it but basically these women were fed up with sex being all about how great a penis was and great sex meant the man shooting his load whilst the female was left frustrated. One woman likened it to a couple getting dressed up for a big night out at a really fancy party. They get on the train, it trundles off, stops at the station where the party is and the man gets off and enjoys the party but the doors shut before she can get off and she misses out. And that's the bit I can really relate to. I can't be arsed having sex with my husband because it's always shite. I'd rather get to the party under my own steam because at least I'll know I'll get there. Whilst I can understand that it's not his fault if he can't maintain an erection, there are other things he could do but as he makes no effort in trying any of them then I just feel he's being totally selfish. The only way he is getting back into my knickers is to make me feel like I'm special and loved. Right now he's doing none of that and I can hardly bear being touched by him because it all feels so contrived. I hope you can sort things out with your wife.

Scooby I think that is a common thought.

Personally, I think that if one partner has no intention of gettingthings back on track, then they ought to be honest and not offer false hope and promises. That frees them both up for an honest discussion about what happens next and if that is that the other partner wants to walk away, then they should do.

I don't think it should be sought elsewhere though.

Although I know why that sometimes might be seen as the best option all round.

Sorry you're in this situation.

You mention that you've had date nights. Do you also have nights or weekends away just the two of you? I appreciate that being able to do this depends on having willing family to mind the DCs while you're away so not possible for everyone.

But my DH and I make an effort to go away for 1-2 nights at a time 3 or 4 times a year and it strengthens our relationship more than anything else. We properly talk about things that matter, and being away from home makes me see him as the man I married, rather than just the other grown up who lives in the house.

Must admit I'm not brilliant at making much of an effort with regards to our private life, even though I know DH would like me to...I remind myself to make an effort sometimes but with 3 young DCs alone time or sleep time often wins out. Your post has reminded me how important it is and I'll try harder.

Hope things work out well for you.

Hi, thanks for all these replies, it's all really interesting and helps.

Picking a few out:

"she remembers that you are the man who preferred to wank to porn in secret and she feels disgusted"

That's a fair point and well presented....!

"What was your sex life like before? Why does she have a vibrator?"
It was good before we got married and then the frequency reduced after that. It was very mechanical when we were trying for children, which didn't do much for me. The vibrator was brought in as I guess I wasn't good enough for her. I have suffered from ED in the past (probably porn induced in hindsight). I think these days the vibrator is a quick fix without any hassle (on her own) and usually gets brought in during sex (even when I have a raging ....). It's like she's too used to that now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to make sure she is happy and fulfilled. The problem when we do have sex is that if she climaxes first then she really just wants to go to sleep (proper man style!) and I end up feeling like an idiot trying to sort myself out. It's all very crap really.

Maybe I am naive but if a couple feels they are having crap sex for whatever reason, isn't the clever thing to do to discuss and tackle the problems and make it all good?

OP - sorry, it sounds difficult. And unfair on you too.

Also wanted to say - that women use men's porn use an excuse. Because it's easier to say that (porn did it to me, took away my desire for him!) - that is easier than to admit that they have a low self confidence. Or that that just don't desire their partner.
Personally, I don't see how one can be OK with using a vibrator on herself (instead of her H, giving her orgasms), and say that a visual aid is not OK for their partner (and that's what porn is - a visual aid).

Women lose desire, many do - after kids and years of taking care of them. Many of my friends feel that way. Like in a Groundhog Day, like constant caregivers to everybody around them - kids, husbands, elderly parents. It's draining and feeling sexual is not a high priority.

And I am bit sure much can be done about it once the desire is gone.
Not unless both parties try.

I don't think you can speak for all women, Josuk.