How to re kindle our sex life

[relightourfire]

Hope this is in the right forum....

I wonder if anyone can help me with ideas of how to re-kindle my sex life with my wife. I've read a few threads on this forum but everyone's situation is a little different. I'd appreciate female views on this, even if it means I get condemned on this forum.

We are both in our 40s and two children (8 and 4) have taken their toll on our relationship. We've done a pretty good job so far of raising them but it's been at the expense of our relationship as we forgot to keep looking after ourselves as a couple and resentment over trivial things crept in on both sides.

We ended up having counselling for this and I think it's worked well. We've dealt with a lot of issues, sorted the resentment out and are at least starting to function as a loving couple again and are getting on better than we have in years - with the exception of a sex life which has been pretty bad for many years.

I'll hold my hand up now and confess I got rather into porn and I realise now that it hasn't helped at all with this (or previous) relationship. What I thought was just a guilty secret and a way of unwinding has turned out to be a form of addiction and I get that now and am making amends. I've basically stopped looking at it, turned the internet filters on and am trying to focus on having a satisfying sex life instead. I asked my wife how we move forward with that and her answer was slowly. The thing is, the frequency of how often we have a sexual encounter of any kind is probably once a month if we are lucky and then it's all under her terms and over in a matter of minutes. I don't see her having any desire for anything other than her vibrator and there's not really any way we can move forward with that frequency. She's not really one for discussing any of this either. Opportunity is also a major issue and she's normally too tired after the children are in bed and too busy in the mornings.

I'm not a selfish person and very much want her to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sex life too. I get the whole rejection thing that some women feel about partners who've viewed porn and I guess that's the major issue I have to tackle now.

If any mums out there have been in this situation and have tried to move forward (rather than splitting and moving on) then I'd be interested to hear how you did it and what sort of timescales were involved.

We came very close to splitting up earlier this year but both decided we didn't want that and the counselling helped a lot of issues. That's all good but life is also very short and I'm struggling with the idea of being with someone who just isn't interested (either in sex or in me, or both).

IfYouHappen - I don't aspire to speak for all women.
I just observe women do it often. And, especially, here on MN.

There are few topics that generate more male bashing than porn viewing.

And yet - vibrators for solo play for women are perfectly fine.

How is that not hypocritical?

Imagine men posting here - 'she uses this huge vibrator. I feel inadequate. Every time I touch her I wonder if I measure up to it. So much so that I don't want to touch her.'
Sounds silly. Right.

I also think your flogging a dead horse. She still has a libido if she using the vibrator, she just doesn't want sex with you.

Sorry if that's sounds a bit harsh, I've been in that situ several times though.

How is that not hypocritical?

Well I suppose it's because vibrators don't give women unrealistic expectations of what men should look like and how they should perform. It also doesn't give them the consistent message that their pleasure is the only one that matters...

"How is that not hypocritical?"

Because using a handheld tool to reach orgasm is not the same as bringing other people - prostituted people - into the intimacy of the monogamous sex life you share with your partner.

I feel a Charlton Heston impression from Soylent Green coming on, "Pornography is made of people! It's people!"

relightourfire, I wish you all the best in your recovery from your addiction and hope one day soon you can rebuild the broken trust with your wife.

@IfYou
I disagree a bit. A vibrator surely gives the expectation that an orgasm is only a button press away, and that it's all about their enjoyment - just like porn it's predominantly a solo activity, I suspect (i have no research to fall back on for this!)

Similarly a dildo is precisely what (a part of men) would ideally look like (size, colour etc) for the owner.

Both dildos and porn are about a "selfish" orgasm and reduce "men" to a dick - insert your own joke about men doing that themselves here!

I'll rephrase - but it's pointless.

From the OP's post it looks like his
wife has enough libido to use a vibrator and plays with it more often and with greater interest than having sex with her partner (who wants to have sex with her)

Not seeing a double standard in this - because HE watched porn...- is really near sighted.

And as to vibrators - there is a way to twist it too, if one wished to. They can - give women unrealistic expectations - they can be bigger than real men's penises. They stay hard as long as needed. They move just the right way to give women orgasms.
If men wanted to be anti-vibrators - it's very very easy to twist this all.

The point is - either sex happens between the partners in the relationship.
Or it happens solo and the partner is not involved.

Women use a vibrator (+fantasies - and let's be honest - it's aways a fantasy of sex with their partner that women have in their minds)
And (oh, horror) women can use a vibrator + porn if they are too lazy to fantasise.

Men don't really have an alternative to a vibrator - women would flame them for blow up dolls, or plastic bits of female genitalia (that would be a vibrator equivalent) - wouldn't they?
So - they use the visual stimuli. Hence - porn.
(And not all of it is prostituted people. Plenty are amateurs and exhibitionists out there on their own will. Does the actor's intent really matter?)

Women feel entitled to their way of solo play, and some also feel entitled to judgements and control over men's solo play.

Double standard. No other way of looking at it.

"So - they use the visual stimuli."

You mean they use people. People.

"they can be bigger than real men's penises. They stay hard as long as needed. They move just the right way to give women orgasms."

These are clearly your fears of sexual inadequacy projected onto women. Tools don't move, the woman holding the tool makes it move.

When someone is having as much trouble as you are distinguishing female human beings from objects, maybe they should take a break from porn for a while.

Ok yeah, you got me.

Porn and vibrators. Exactly the same.

Silage - my 'fears of sexual inadequacy'.... This made me smile.

I think you are under impression that I have a penis. I don't have one. I have a vibrator.
😂😂😂😂😂

If OP used 'people' he'd be talking about other (live) people he slept with. Porn - is a visual aid. It's on a computer, or a phone.
It's Not all that different from fantasies of women using vibrators and seeing (in their minds) some hot man (other than their partner) touching them.
And please don't tell me women don't do that. Don't use their imaginations. Don't imagine men other than their partners.

Wanking to porn INSTEAD of having sex with your partner IS the same as playing with a vibrator INSTEAD of sleeping with your partner.
Assuming partner is there and willing.
Both done as avoidance of intimacy. Both not a sign of healthy relationship.

If those activities - wanking/vibrator are done IN ADDITION - to normal sexual relationship - it doesn't hurt anyone.

Summergarden ...
Funny you mention that. The short answer is no. We've recently celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and had two nights away childfree. Thinking back there's only ever been 3 other nights since our first child was born that we've been away together without children.
It was a good weekend - not filled with bedroom action as I'd hoped, but at least we felt human and like grown adults again. I think you have a good point and thanks for sharing.

"Wanking to porn INSTEAD of having sex with your partner IS the same as playing with a vibrator INSTEAD of sleeping with your partner.

Both done as avoidance of intimacy. Both not a sign of healthy relationship.

If those activities - wanking/vibrator are done IN ADDITION - to normal sexual relationship - it doesn't hurt anyone."

I think I'd have to agree with that. Never thought of it that way before. I am the guilty party for looking at porn - I accept that. But the vibrator is not helping matters. I'd be happy if she let me use it on her but all too often she'll push me away and just carry on herself.

I probably am flogging a dead horse and I can see that. I have two lovely children though who I really want to grow up in a loving family environment. We pretty much have all of that - apart from the happy sex life, which is anything but.

I'm happy to change and work at this but I just don't see the same from my wife and I don't know what to do to fix this. Yes, trust has been broken and is being rebuilt slowly and I guess sex is the last brick that would fall into place. It just doesn't fill me with confidence when she's either not interested, will push any advances away or even just frown when it's obvious I'd like something to happen. It just seems like a chore in her busy life. But surely everyone is busy but your prioritise time for what you want.

So plan more weekends away. Also in two of your posts you mention how knackered she is, it is a cliche but for a reason - are you pulling your weight? I don't just mean with kids, housekeeping but all the decision making, organisation, planning - it's exhausting!

Lack of sex was my ex's excuse for his affair. I was a sahm with a very active toddler. He seemed to think (and even voiced on occasion) that I was sat on my arse most of the day!

He expected me to not only do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning... He also expected me to do all the household admin, organisation, diary, planning, arranging visits with his family...

I blamed myself too wish I'd had mn then. In actuality no wonder I had such a low libido - I was KNACKERED and all he complained about was the house not being show home perfect and him not getting his end away nightly!

Maybe ask her?

Trust has been broken - did you cheat?

Graphista,

This all came out in the counselling. I thought I was pulling my weight, turns out she didn't think I was. A lot of built up resentment. Things are fairer now in terms of household chores, childcare and finances.

She views the porn as cheating. She was also having an emotional affair.

"I have a vibrator."

Let me guess, you named your 'just like porn' vibrator Tiny Titty Teen Whore Gangbang?

Stretched Sluts With Wrecked Asses?

College Girl Anal Cumbuckets?

"Wanking to porn INSTEAD of having sex with your partner IS the same as playing with a vibrator INSTEAD of sleeping with your partner..."Never thought of it that way before."

You still should not think of it this way, it is disingenuous in the extreme.

I can see the appeal of 'equally' blaming your wife for preferring masturbation over porn-soaked, unsatisfying sex with you. However, if you're being honest, the problems with your porn consumption are not mere ones of mechanical masturbation (though impotence is common).

Sounds like you've come a long way in understanding how your compulsive porn consumption has warped your sexual responses and desires, it would be terrible to start defensively finding blame in others for what you readily acknowledge has been a harmful addiction of yours.

We get that you don't like porn Sillage, but sex and relationships are a two person thing, you can't put ALL the blame on one person in this situation and expect to be taken seriously.

It's possible that your wife might need to wean herself off the vibrator. A woman's body (& mind) can become too used to reaching orgasm that way, and that can lead to being lazy about reaching it other ways.

Our marriage counsellor talked this through with us, and showed us research. She used an analogy with me that went: if you commit to learning maths with someone, then the calculator has to stay in the drawer. Of course the calculator can get there faster, but it defeats your purpose.

The fact that she's still using it when you are together suggests to me that she's not willing to risk a 'no orgasm' scenario, and also maybe is still a bit resentful/blaming you in some way. I suspect you'd both have to nut these things out before your sex life will see great improvements.

Things are fairer now - is that your assessment or hers? Because sounds like you had it quite wrong before. And she's knackered but you're not?

When do you sit down of an evening and when does she? Who's up first in the morning? Who does any night wakings with the dc?

Aaaand we've slid down into blaming the wife's dildo-induced "lazy" sexual dysfunction.

I can't believe anyone is actually checking the Blame Box for "She's rejecting him because her orgasms come too easy", but there it is written right above.

Scruffy, do you get that his wife feels betrayed by his porn addiction and it's a problem he's actively working on to better himself and his marriage? He admits to not having thought before that the problem might be how easily she can bring herself to orgasm, which is good because that's dumb.

I think you are being a bit unfair to her. It sounds like you've already decided that she is not that interested and you are asking for our acceptance.

Your last 2 paragraphs said:

"Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to make sure she is happy and fulfilled. The problem when we do have sex is that if she climaxes first then she really just wants to go to sleep (proper man style!) and I end up feeling like an idiot trying to sort myself out. It's all very crap really.

Maybe I am naive but if a couple feels they are having crap sex for whatever reason, isn't the clever thing to do to discuss and tackle the problems and make it all good?"

So, when did you sit her down and talk to her about the crap sex?

In the beginning? Straight after it started becoming crap? You've been married for 10 years.

Could you give us some timeframes so we can understand how long the different parts have been going on?

When did your porn addiction start?
When did your Erectile Dysfunction, start?
When did she start using a vibrator?

One final point :

But then you also said that during counselling it had been bought up about resentment; her doing more around the house; you not doing enough.

And you said you hadn't really realised that was an issue. But you've now shared the jobs more.

But seriously? You never realised? She didn't say anything? Or did she? But you weren't listening?

That long resentment that she had for you? You hadn't realised that? How can you explain that?

"I probably am flogging a dead horse and I can see that. "

"It just doesn't fill me with confidence that she is not interested"

You seem to underestimate, or be dismissive of the extreme damage you have done to her/ to the relationship.

Many many threads on MN, are of women feeling their dh's don't help enough round the house.

Imagine if your female friend told you this scenario, OP:
A woman she knows : has two kids, her husband helps out little and expects her to do it all, que resentment. then he starts a porn addiction and resulting ER. Serious issues. She ends up betrayed and starts using a vibrator more.

And please don't tell me women don't do that. Don't use their imaginations. Don't imagine men other than their partners.

I don't.

I will tell you all the things I found extremely off-putting when we were having a bad sex patch:

• desperation of the man to have sex. Massive turn off. I just knew it would end with him orgasming too fast and me left unsatisfied. Whatever you feel like, your first priority every time needs to be to make her orgasm. Otherwise, it IS a chore for her. If you are not willing to make that be the number one priority every time, you will be never sort it out.
• wanting porn like sex. If you are not simulating he really clitoris, you are doing it wrong. Keep that in mine when putting her in porn like sex positions.
• giving her affection only as foreplay. So obvious after a while and a massive turn off.
• Stopping half way because you know you will go over the edge and orgasm afterwards. You need to understand ways to control your own orgasm without pulling out suddenly. It is also a massive turn off. Which means more foreplay, more concentrating on getting her there before you. We all know you can orgasm.
• caring about her day, really mucking innate bedtime, not dicking around on your phone, by getting home late afternoon leaving her with all the evening shit to do.
• Go on date nights and don't expect sex after. I'm not sure date nights work actually. Getting the kids in bed on time, a glass of wine and a chat without TV works much better
• if she says she is knackered or looks knackered, it's true. So leave her be that night.

Instead of thinking how can I fix my sex life, think how can I fix the love of my life being constantly tired.

I think her emotional affair is massively relevant!! When and how long OP?

I think your wife needs to try harder to be honest. That might be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think that sex returns unless you almost "force" it to begin with and get back in the habit.

I have quite a low sex drive but I make sure I instigate it regularly. I find that if I'm the one that kicks things off, as it were, I feel more in the mood rather than seeing my DP's requests as annoying or falling at the wrong time.

It does take effort and I think that she needs to put some in too.