How to re kindle our sex life

[relightourfire]

Hope this is in the right forum....

I wonder if anyone can help me with ideas of how to re-kindle my sex life with my wife. I've read a few threads on this forum but everyone's situation is a little different. I'd appreciate female views on this, even if it means I get condemned on this forum.

We are both in our 40s and two children (8 and 4) have taken their toll on our relationship. We've done a pretty good job so far of raising them but it's been at the expense of our relationship as we forgot to keep looking after ourselves as a couple and resentment over trivial things crept in on both sides.

We ended up having counselling for this and I think it's worked well. We've dealt with a lot of issues, sorted the resentment out and are at least starting to function as a loving couple again and are getting on better than we have in years - with the exception of a sex life which has been pretty bad for many years.

I'll hold my hand up now and confess I got rather into porn and I realise now that it hasn't helped at all with this (or previous) relationship. What I thought was just a guilty secret and a way of unwinding has turned out to be a form of addiction and I get that now and am making amends. I've basically stopped looking at it, turned the internet filters on and am trying to focus on having a satisfying sex life instead. I asked my wife how we move forward with that and her answer was slowly. The thing is, the frequency of how often we have a sexual encounter of any kind is probably once a month if we are lucky and then it's all under her terms and over in a matter of minutes. I don't see her having any desire for anything other than her vibrator and there's not really any way we can move forward with that frequency. She's not really one for discussing any of this either. Opportunity is also a major issue and she's normally too tired after the children are in bed and too busy in the mornings.

I'm not a selfish person and very much want her to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sex life too. I get the whole rejection thing that some women feel about partners who've viewed porn and I guess that's the major issue I have to tackle now.

If any mums out there have been in this situation and have tried to move forward (rather than splitting and moving on) then I'd be interested to hear how you did it and what sort of timescales were involved.

We came very close to splitting up earlier this year but both decided we didn't want that and the counselling helped a lot of issues. That's all good but life is also very short and I'm struggling with the idea of being with someone who just isn't interested (either in sex or in me, or both).

Just wanted to say, that you are not alone. I am in a similar boat. Actually, before I even get to that, I wanted to say, that your porn use is nowhere near as bad as her emotional affair and contact with her Ex. You looked at strangers on a screen, what she did was make contact with an actual person, and ask if they wanted a relationship. It's so much worse! Anyway, yeh, in similar boat here. I feel invisible. I am 47. I look 37. That sounds glib, but it's true. I keep fit. No wrinkles yet. Size 10. DH rarely instigates any intimacy. We have "the talk" but nothing gets better. We average twice a month, which to me is wholly inadequate. I'd like 3 times a week. I have Just wanted to say, that you are not alone. I am in a similar boat. Actually, before i even get to that, I wanted to say that your porn use is nowhere near as bad as her emotional affair and contact with her Ex. You looked at strangers on a screen, what she did was make contact with an actual person, and ask if they wanted a relationship. It's so much worse! Anyway, yeh, in similar boat here. I feel invisible. I am 47. I look 37. That sounds glib, but it's true. I keep fit. No wrinkles yet. Size 10. DH rarely instigates any intimacy. We have "the talk" but nothing gets better. We average twice a month, but as I'd like sex about 3-4 times a week, that's killing me. Sometimes I find myself looking out of the window and a tear rolls down my cheek. This month I have tried to instigate sex a good few times to be fobbed off and the other night was awful - I asked if he was up for it, and he said yes, and then didn't come to bed! So I sat up there, like a prize fanny waiting on him for sex, and he simply fell asleep on the sofa. I started my own thread about this a few days ago, and a few women told me that I was abusive for wanting sex with my husband. I left my own thread, feeling totally sad. :-(

No idea why that double posted some sentences, sorry!