Friend snapped at me and called me a knob

[FlamingoF]

Was having a get together today with a group of five friends. We now live all over the place but have known each other for over 20 years and are more like sisters in a lot of ways and very close even though we don't see each other that often. I was really looking forward to seeing them all.

We are always very silly and jokey with each other and take the piss quite a bit. Lunch came and we started talking about wine and having a conversation about the type we like and one of them started saying something along the lines of "I like it quite dry, not very sweet..." Just a few banal comments. I said in a jokey way: "very interesting!" (Bear in mind we had all been joking and saying silly things to each other well before this) and she just snapped at me and across the table said: "That's really not nice, don't, stop being a knob." She was being really serious. It reminded me of an angry parent chastising a child (without the word "knob" of course) and the way she said it was as if I was being really nasty and vindictive which I honestly would never ever mean to be.

I was really shocked and embarrassed and think only one other friend heard and we just kind of ignored it and carried on talking about something else. My stomach had turned because I felt so awful about it with a friend I have never had a problem with and she seemed so pissed off. I just carried on conversation with a couple of the others then towards the end of the night chatted politely to this friend about something but felt upset about how she had spoken to me. I couldn't tell if there was weirdness between us or not I thought maybe a bit.

Was what I said really so rude and awful? I know it's hard without context but we are always joking around.

Just ring her up and apologise. Let her know you did t mean anything by it and are mortified. Judge your next move from her response.

Do you think it's better to do that rather than just ignore and try not to make a big deal out of it? I've sent her a message saying how nice it was to see her and she didn't reply but has read the message.

How is what you said deserving of a knob head comment was she drunk maybe ? Or maybe didn't hear you right ? If it bothered you that much you should have took her aside and asked why the rude comment.

smellybeanpole

That's what I was confused about- is what I said that offensive? It was a sarcastic: "Ooh very interesting!" And I was laughing as I said it. This is why I don't know if I need to apologise or if I should be annoyed that a friend of that long would speak to me like that and be mean.

She wasn't that drunk at all and definitely heard right.

Did you say other things maybe and that was the straw that broke th camels back and she snapped? It might not have been that comment in isolation.

Could someone have said something you don't know about that touched a raw nerve? Is there any chance she could think that you find her boring?

When did you last see her?

sometimes that's kind of humour can get wearing and it was probably a build up

And it could have come across as you trying to shut down a conversation (types of wine people like) that she would have enjoyed having

Hmmm, tricky. Do you often make sarcastic comments to each other? If she was just chatting about her wine preference and you sarcastically said it was interesting, I can see how it may have been hurtful. My social skills are not great and I'm quite self conscious around people, even friends, I worry about boring them and if someone had said that to me I would have been upset. But of course I appreciate this may not apply to your friend! I would just apologise and let her know you meant absolutely no offence.

I can see how somebody sarcastically saying Ooh, interesting when you're trying to make conversation in a group could be extremely fucking patronising and undermining. I'd find that very rude and frankly quite nasty.

You're friend was right. You were being a knob. I'd apologise and not do it again.

Your

Bluntness that's what I'm thinking. Possibly but if so I don't know what it was. I really love her to bits and would never ever take the piss out of her seriously or want to upset her (or any of them) at all. They are my oldest and dearest friends. It made me think she must secretly not really like me as the tone and expression on her face was as if she was exhausted by me. Yesterday though we had been enthusiastically messaging (instigated by her). I just don't think you would say that to a close friend would you?

I'd tell her straight I'm sorry if what I said upset you I was joking and would never say anything like that in a serious way. And I care about you a lot. She might open up to you if there's an underlying problem.

Haffdonga

That post does help me to see things from her perspective. I didn't mean it to be but she obviously took real offence. I'm a bit embarrassed as I don't want to be a patronising knob and feel mortified if that's how I come across.

We have 100% said things (both of us) a million times worse to each other than that though. I think I'm going to have to be more careful about what I'm saying in future definitely.

As I said before I have messaged her this afternoon but no reply.

What did you mean by the comment though OP?

Because if someone said that to me I would think they were a bit of a knob too.

Maybe text her again saying you didn't mean to upset her

If that is all you said, then please don't apologise to her. And please stop over thinking this. Why would it be acceptable for her to verbally react to you like this, in front of the others, for a small comment like that? She should be apologising to you.

Well there's banter and there's making out like someone is as boring as fuck which isn't banter really is it? It's humiliating.
So yes, on the face of it, you over stepped the mark and made her feel humiliated, unless you had ALL been making sly digs about being boring?

I would send her another message saying "I'm really sorry I upset you last night. I hope you know how much I value your friendship and I'm sorry my silly comment may have made it seem like I didn't."

My friends and family regularly take the piss out of each other, but very occasionally someone will say something that just touches a nerve or an insecurity. For me, if someone says anything that seems like they think I am stupid, it really crushes me. That's something I carry from my childhood and it's something I'm working on, but if a friend jokingly said "Durrrr, Ford, even a child knows that!" I might react instinctively from a place of pain.

My social circle is very teasing and we all take the piss out of each other a bit but from what you've said it does sound like you came accross as a bit of a knob.

You were having a conversation about wine, interrupted and made a patronising comment whilst laughing, that's not teasing or joking, it's just rude.

I would text your friend and just say that you feel there has been an awkwardness since the meal and that you are sorry if you said anything to offend her.

Hopefully it will blow over.

I think that is the sort of comment that does come across as a bit snarky and unpleasant tbh. Weirdly, I think you can take the piss out of friends much more in other ways but when you make a comment that implies that what they are saying is boring, it leaves people thinking 'oh, was that actually a joke with a jag? Does she actually find me tedious?' If you joke about someone murdering puppies/committing a bank robbery/having their children adopted, it's as clear as day that you're being sarcastic. If you joke that they're boring, you might actually mean it...

Context is everything but I'd guess that maybe this type of joking has worn thin for her, maybe she feels that she is often the butt of jokes or something?

It's hard to say. But if you are genuinely shocked at having upset her then tell her so. And most importantly, don't do it again.

I find your comment rude. I probably wouldn't have said you were a knob out loud though...just in my head

If it's unusual that she said it to you, I'd think something else was going on, i.e. You've done something to piss her off, and so I think it'd be worthwhile checking in with her if all is ok

Ok good to get other people's opinions on this. I was pretty incredulous that she could be upset but now I'm seeing that it could have come across way worse than I thought.

I'm afraid I agree with Haff you were pretty rude. Not teasing (though I appreciate you meant to be) just rude.

What I really don't understand is why you didn't immediately apologise?

Why leave her feeling hurt and insulted all evening?