Friend snapped at me and called me a knob

[FlamingoF]

Was having a get together today with a group of five friends. We now live all over the place but have known each other for over 20 years and are more like sisters in a lot of ways and very close even though we don't see each other that often. I was really looking forward to seeing them all.

We are always very silly and jokey with each other and take the piss quite a bit. Lunch came and we started talking about wine and having a conversation about the type we like and one of them started saying something along the lines of "I like it quite dry, not very sweet..." Just a few banal comments. I said in a jokey way: "very interesting!" (Bear in mind we had all been joking and saying silly things to each other well before this) and she just snapped at me and across the table said: "That's really not nice, don't, stop being a knob." She was being really serious. It reminded me of an angry parent chastising a child (without the word "knob" of course) and the way she said it was as if I was being really nasty and vindictive which I honestly would never ever mean to be.

I was really shocked and embarrassed and think only one other friend heard and we just kind of ignored it and carried on talking about something else. My stomach had turned because I felt so awful about it with a friend I have never had a problem with and she seemed so pissed off. I just carried on conversation with a couple of the others then towards the end of the night chatted politely to this friend about something but felt upset about how she had spoken to me. I couldn't tell if there was weirdness between us or not I thought maybe a bit.

Was what I said really so rude and awful? I know it's hard without context but we are always joking around.

The comment you made was because of a banal conversation about exactly what kind of wine she likes- you didn't say she was boring. Yours was clearly lighthearted and she overreacted by calling you a knob in public. Ridiculous.

The response that doesn't involve swearing at someone.

Kingerd - where you there? Unless you were, you don't know the context in which it was said

It was a group discussion about wine though others had given there opinion equally pointless I'm sure (unless someone owns a vineyard or something 😉) her comment was singled out which is probably why she reacted.

Soft err if we can only offer advice based on if we were there, most of this forum is rather redundant....

I have a sarcastic sense of humour myself, and I do find that I sometimes inadvertently upset someone by making a jokey comment that is taken the wrong way. Feeling your pain OP! Just be extra nice to her for a while, I'm sure this will soon be forgotten.

Dont want to stick the boot in and it has been well explained how you were rude so hope you manage to smooth things over with your friend.

I think if you're worried OP you could apologise but I'd expect your friend to apologise to you too. You didn't mean offence whereas she was way more offensive.

Banter always goes too far eventually, usually after a lot of alcohol. Thank god I'm old enough to have left that crap behind and can now have proper conversations with people.

Your friend has tired of the nonsense before you have.

Banter always goes too far eventually, usually after a lot of alcohol. Thank god I'm old enough to have left that crap behind and can now have proper conversations with people.

Your friend has tired of the nonsense before you have.

OP was your comment meant in a jokey double entendre way when she said she likes it "dry not too sweet", like a wink nudge silly comment, or was it meant in what you thought of as a jokey oh how boring is this conversation way?? Sorry I'm just genuinely confused! I'd give a different opinion for each!

I'm sure you meant nothing by the comment, OP, but when in doubt apologise.

Well you may have been joking but it still comes off dismissive and minimising of her contribution ... she said something normal in the context of the conversation and you singled her out as being boring when no one else was so clearly you hit a nerve and it upset her... just because you didn't intend to doesn't mean you didn't.
Ring and apologise

And I would only say that to a close friend ... they're close enough that I can tell them when they're being a fucking knob

I have used similar lines myself and had it used on me and we found it funny.

But she's obviously hurt by it and is maybe self conscious about being boring so just explain.

I don't think you were rude OP I've interpreted this that you said it in a jokey double entendre way - I think she's chosen to react badly to something that isn't offensive

I don't think you can really take offence at 'knob' after saying that to be honest OP. Apologise profusely to her and scratch all such comments off the agenda in future.

Is she generally on the receiving end of lots of the sarcy comments?

I only ask as I am one of a group of 3 old, close friends and have always had the kind of self deprecating humour which invited them to put me down also, always jokingly.

It all stemmed from self esteem issues which I've worked hard at over the years, but as I don't see the friends that often they haven't really picked up on that and always carry on with the same 'isn't wobbly silly/dizzy/a bit of a loser' humour. I just shut them down without being arsey as I know they aren't trying to upset me, but it does grate these days and I can imagine myself snapping in a similar way if I was with them too long!

Is it possible there's a similar situation going on here?

I would just text and say
I'm really sorry if what i said upset you. I honestly meant it as a joke. On reflection it wasn't funny and the last thing I would want to do is cause any offence.

Years ago (at my wedding ) i made a bert flippant comment to one of my closest friends. It was something we'd both joked about plenty of times.
She slapped me and ranted at me. It ruined my night and i couldn't understand how od upsef her. I apologised and she half heartedly accepted it. Looking back i can see that it touched a nerve BUT how she reacted to me and neber apologised for also changed our friendship.
If it was me i would ask to see her amd apologise but also say you were taken aback by her response.
I really feel for you as it's am awful feeling isnt it? Like you've beem slapped in the face

WobblyPark I agree.

When I see old friends we find it hard to adapt to changes in people over the years and old insecurities, that may barely exist anymore, become real sensitive areas, as the person feels they've left that behind.

Also, banter and teasing used years ago when you all saw each other more regularly, can seem mean and nasty on a not-so-regular meet up, when you haven't seen each other for a while and when banter like this won't be happening in everyone's newer friendship groups formed in adulthood.

Did you apologise to your friend?

I really want to know if it was meant in a jokey double entendre way OP? Please tell me! 🙂

I wasn't there and I can see that it was banter. Perhaps you misread the tone of conversation or maybe your friend did that . Perhaps she can only take banter when it's her doing it but can't take it back or maybe that's the problem of banter in that sometimes it goes too far and can touch a nerve and at that point you have to stop.

Do you apologise would I apologise? I don't know. I think an apology is at best if you actually mean it and in this case I don't think I would. I think I would be quite upset at being called a knob especially if it was not my intention. Perhaps I would explain, without apologising that it was not intended to offend, and perhaps I would say you should know me better than that because that would be what would offend me more - the fact you think I'm a mean nasty person when I am not.

I don't know OP I think it would change your friendship for me too

Yes violet that's exactly what I assumed..
'I like it dry and sweet '
'Oo er missus how interesting wink wink nudge nudge '