Friend snapped at me and called me a knob

[FlamingoF]

Was having a get together today with a group of five friends. We now live all over the place but have known each other for over 20 years and are more like sisters in a lot of ways and very close even though we don't see each other that often. I was really looking forward to seeing them all.

We are always very silly and jokey with each other and take the piss quite a bit. Lunch came and we started talking about wine and having a conversation about the type we like and one of them started saying something along the lines of "I like it quite dry, not very sweet..." Just a few banal comments. I said in a jokey way: "very interesting!" (Bear in mind we had all been joking and saying silly things to each other well before this) and she just snapped at me and across the table said: "That's really not nice, don't, stop being a knob." She was being really serious. It reminded me of an angry parent chastising a child (without the word "knob" of course) and the way she said it was as if I was being really nasty and vindictive which I honestly would never ever mean to be.

I was really shocked and embarrassed and think only one other friend heard and we just kind of ignored it and carried on talking about something else. My stomach had turned because I felt so awful about it with a friend I have never had a problem with and she seemed so pissed off. I just carried on conversation with a couple of the others then towards the end of the night chatted politely to this friend about something but felt upset about how she had spoken to me. I couldn't tell if there was weirdness between us or not I thought maybe a bit.

Was what I said really so rude and awful? I know it's hard without context but we are always joking around.

BenLui. I was shocked so just said nothing and there were a few conversations going on so just kind of went a bit quiet and then joined in the other conversation. She had just called me a knob so I was a bit upset myself!

There is a woman in my dance group who I like very much. At a class last month every time an instructor spoke she came out with a 'witty' retort. I was close to saying something by comment number 20. Had she been a close friend I might have lost it. But I would have felt dreadful. She didn't mean to be irritating but I guess I was just irritable that day. Could your situation be similar?

Jokes are meant to be funny.

What was funny about what you said?

She had just called me a knob so I was a bit upset myself!

Sounds to me like you hit a nerve and she retaliated.

If my friend was being a knob I would tell them. Obviously she didn't know you were joking.

Just give her a ring and apologise. Don't lose a friendship over a miscommunication.

Can you really not tell why she was upset
What you said was not banter.They were basically having a 'straight' conversation about something of interest to them all, and you weighed in with a sarcastic comment about her being boring.Thjere are some things you don't banter about and telling someone they are boring is one of them.

You implied she was boring you. I'd have called you a knob too. Your comment was rude and unnecessary. It's not a 'joke'. She probably felt really embarrassed. You should apologise.

I think your friend may have thought you were implying she was boring. Sounds a little bit of a flippant comment but then I think maybe she over reacted too. If she has been texting you since maybe she now thinks you are both even as you both perhaps made thoughtless comments. I would let it go unless you want to drag it up. If you do want to confront her you could say you did not mean to upset her but calling you a knob was inappropriate too. Sometimes it is better to let sleeping dogs lie though.

I think you can tell it's rude because it was a conversation-stopper.
'Ooh interesting' is quite hard to come back from in a lighthearted way.
If she'd said, 'Oh sorry my wine conversation isn't up to your standard'. It would have sounded nippy. Likewise if she'd said, 'I think my taste in wine is interesting.' it makes her sound defensive. It's a comment that leaves the other person with nowhere to go.

It depends on what you meant by it.

If someone had said that to me, I'd instantly feel embarrassed and stop talking because what I'd hear from that is you are so boring! What you are saying is so uninteresting that I need to call attention to it!

I wouldn't call you a knob though

Text her and apologise and say you will call tomorrow to do it in person. Maybe you've got previous for putting her down and don't realise it as you think it's funny. And you were putting her down, you were insinuating her conversation was dull.

Fall on your sword for this one.

Oh God maybe I'm a complete twat and I didn't even realise and just thought I was funny ... feels sick

banter should steer well clear of things that could make anyone genuinely insecure and telling someone they are boring cuts pretty close to the bone.

I'm one of those who is the butt of every joke, because I get myself in daft situations all the time. I enjoy it, I give it back, it's fine.

If I was just trying to have a normal conversation and someone called me boring, essentially, I'd be very upset. I'm self-conscious as it is and it would potentially ruin the night for me, and I'd probably be reluctant to see you again out of self hatred. If that person had a habit of saying mean things which take the wind out of my sails/dishearten me, I'd possibly call them a knob.

She was having a nice conversation and was insulted. She's probably bewildered at what part of saying "I like dry wine" was so mind-numbing in the context of a discussion about wine.

Yeah you were rude not funny.
Text an apology.

It made me think she must secretly not really like me as the tone and expression on her face was as if she was exhausted by me

You must have made her think that you secretely think she is very boring - and being told you are boring is very hurtful and humiliating especially in front of other people. So she lashed out.

I totally believe you didn't mean to be hurtful, and in your eyes it was just a carry on of jokey banter - but I think you caught a raw nerve, maybe someone has called her boring recently or maybe she felt that a bit too much of the jokey teasing was directed at her - I don't know.

I think she was wrong to call you a knob, but in this instance I'd be the bigger person and apologise and say how much she means to you, because she sounds a bit sensitive about something, and could probably use a strong reassurance that she is appreceiated.

Agree with everyone. Constant jokey comments can be wearing. Call her and apologise and tone it down in the future, she's probably not the only one that feels this way about the jokes....

Have you apologised yet?

I totally understand that you didn't mean to sound unpleasant, but it would upset me if somebody had, in effect, told me that I was boring them.

Please, just phone her, however awkward you may feel. You've been friends for a long time, don't let it be spoiled by a misunderstanding. If she doesn't answer, leave a message asking her to phone you back. Have an idea of what you want to say, E.g. look I'm really sorry I upset you yesterday. It wasn't meant to be insulting, but I totally understand why you took it that way.

Hopefully she'll respond in a positive way, but if she doesn't, at least you'll have done all you can to put things right.

Sounds like quite an unpleasant dynamic you've all got going on there.

And then when the inevitable has happened and someone has touched a nerve and the other person has finally got sick of it/taken offence, you're shocked.

"Taking the piss" out of someone, to me, means gentle teasing or exaggerating something like the fact that they're clumsy or ditzy and they know it and acknowledge it themselves. Your snide comment basically implied that she bores you to tears and I suspect it's not the first time you've done that.

You need to apologise and watch your words and behaviour when you're with this group in future.

I wonder if there's more to it. You say that you've all known each other for years, OP. Is there any sense in which it could be said that you've been more successful than her, e.g. in jobs? I just wonder if, in that context, it looked like you thought you were better.

Sorry, that sounded twatty. It sounds like the consensus is (and I tend to agree) that you were unintentionally rude and an apology is in order, I think your earlier text makes it sound like you're trying to gloss over it and a genuine apology for upsetting her and explaining that it wasn't your intention, might be in order.

Are you posher/more educated than her? She might've been feeling it if so, and a conversation about wine can make anyone feel ignorant.

However if you apologise I'm sure it'll be fine if you're great friends.

I have to be honest and say I'm not someone who constantly makes digs at people- I take loads as well and just laugh it off or barely notice it. I'm a loyal and kind friend and love my friends to bits. This was a random silly comment that had an unexpected reaction. I bend over backwards for my friends. Just think I need to say that for context as think it may seem to posters here that I think I'm some kind of court jester who is always cracking "jokes" at other peoples expense and I'm not.

No I am not more successful than her we are probably about equal in most ways.