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Original poster

Friend snapped at me and called me a knob

100 replies

FlamingoF · 03/09/2017 19:10

Was having a get together today with a group of five friends. We now live all over the place but have known each other for over 20 years and are more like sisters in a lot of ways and very close even though we don't see each other that often. I was really looking forward to seeing them all.

We are always very silly and jokey with each other and take the piss quite a bit. Lunch came and we started talking about wine and having a conversation about the type we like and one of them started saying something along the lines of "I like it quite dry, not very sweet..." Just a few banal comments. I said in a jokey way: "very interesting!" (Bear in mind we had all been joking and saying silly things to each other well before this) and she just snapped at me and across the table said: "That's really not nice, don't, stop being a knob." She was being really serious. It reminded me of an angry parent chastising a child (without the word "knob" of course) and the way she said it was as if I was being really nasty and vindictive which I honestly would never ever mean to be.

I was really shocked and embarrassed and think only one other friend heard and we just kind of ignored it and carried on talking about something else. My stomach had turned because I felt so awful about it with a friend I have never had a problem with and she seemed so pissed off. I just carried on conversation with a couple of the others then towards the end of the night chatted politely to this friend about something but felt upset about how she had spoken to me. I couldn't tell if there was weirdness between us or not I thought maybe a bit.

Was what I said really so rude and awful? I know it's hard without context but we are always joking around.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 03/09/2017 20:36

"You implied she was boring you. I'd have called you a knob too. Your comment was rude and unnecessary. It's not a 'joke'. She probably felt really embarrassed. You should apologise."

I agree with this ^ ... but I see that the penny has dropped and that you have realised that you are "a complete twat" .

The question is, how are you going to apologise in such a way that your friend realises that you genuinely know you were in the wrong (given that you have already messaged her, without apologising)?

BenLui · 03/09/2017 20:38

The thing is Flaming you can be really quite rude to me and I don't mind but if you implied I was boring like that I'd have been quite hurt and embarrassed.

Have you used that particular joke, or something similar with this person (or others in the group) before?

Because I think it's interesting that she said "stop being a knob" rather than "don't be a knob.

What else had you said to her that evening?

Brahms3rdracket · 03/09/2017 20:39

I'm going against everyone here, I don't think your comment was particularly rude and your friend's comment to you was far worse. I think you need to talk about it and apologise for your part, but she owes you an apology too.

RedDogsBeg · 03/09/2017 20:40

OP, I don't know how you can think that comment and how you delivered it by interrupting could possibly be anything other than rude and dismissive. Sarcastically saying "ooh very interesting" is not banter or a jokey comment, it's explicitly saying you find the person speaking boring and not worthy of being listened to and your intention is to shut them up. I am not surprised she reacted as she did, particularly as you did this in front of other people which compounds the discomfort she must have felt, and that she has since been somewhat cool towards you.

If you do value the friendship pick up the phone and talk to her, apologise profusely, admit you were wrong to have said what you said and to have interrupted her to do so and hopefully you can heal the rift.

Original poster
FlamingoF · 03/09/2017 20:43

BenLui. I hadn't said anything else controversial at all that evening, just chatting about an upcoming birthday and family stuff.

OP posts:
BenLui · 03/09/2017 20:46

I think in that case all you can do is sincerely apologise (and personally I wouldn't do that by text) and move on.

We all make judgment errors from time to time. It's not the end of the world.

QueenMortificado · 03/09/2017 20:49

The thing is Flaming you can be really quite rude to me and I don't mind but if you implied I was boring like that I'd have been quite hurt and embarrassed.

Have I missed something or do you know each other in RL?

LinManWellWellWell · 03/09/2017 20:50

Just to clarify, were you saying 'ooh interesting' in a jokey way to imply that whoever was saying they liked it 'sweet' or 'wet' or whatever was a bit of a double entendre about their sexual preferences (all part of a group banter)...along the lines of soggy bottoms ooer on GBBO?

And your friend missed it and thought you were literally saying you were bored?

Shortfatandangry · 03/09/2017 20:51

I can see how you feel OP because I do stuff like this all the time. What I try to remember, when I'm called on it is that just because you didn't mean to be a knob, doesn't mean you weren't being a knob. If you're the same as me, you can sometimes get carried away. If I'm in a group setting, I get drawn into the banter and excitement of being with my friends and before I know it I've said something before thinking of how it might be taken. It's more often than not not how it was meant but that doesn't mean that it can't cut a bit. If I were you, I would just say I'm sorry, what I say isn't always what I mean. I definitely didn't mean to offend or upset you. Flowers though, I know how you feel!

BenLui · 03/09/2017 20:53

No Queen I meant "you" as in "people".

ourkidmolly · 03/09/2017 20:56

I'd just forget it to be honest and move on. Just pull it off the memory shelf if another incident occurs.

Maryhadalittlelamb12 · 03/09/2017 20:58

We don't know the usual dynamic, though, and you do, OP.

I'd send a kind apology. Not a grovelling dramatic piece. Just a note. She sounds a bit weird to me.

And then leave it there. Avoid her for a bit. Time healing and all that.

ShapelyBingoWing · 03/09/2017 21:01

It sounds like you've misread the tone of the conversation. The others in the conversation were having a chat about wine and you've come out with something sarky that makes it clear that you couldn't have cared less what she was saying. It sounds like you may do this more often than that particular friend is happy with. Is it you that brings this kind of 'jokey' dynamic to the group? I find it quite wearing myself and often find that the 'jokey' friend/relative is often completely unaware of when they've crossed the line into nasty or just gotten too much.

TormundsGingerBeard · 03/09/2017 21:12

Yeah, you came across as rude and your friends clearly has had enough of this sort of thing. Why did you even say something like that in a sarcastic tone - what exactly was the "funny" part of that comment to her?

I'm with Shapely in that I find this sort of 'banter' wearing after a while. Are you sure the other friends in the group find this so-called banter funny?

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/09/2017 21:21

Loads of posters have explained now, Flamingo.

Have you called your friend yet ... tried to make amends?

Ohyesiam · 03/09/2017 21:31

"Dear old friend, i want to apologise for my sarcasm earlier. I meant it as a joke, but I can see it was misjudged. I love you lots and hedge the thought I offended you. "

TheNaze73 · 03/09/2017 21:41

She sounds like a knob for being so easily offended. Is she always a snowflake?
I'd not apologise

loveyoutothemoon · 03/09/2017 21:55

She's way over the top. Stop apologising!

TheNewSchmoo · 03/09/2017 22:50

I don't really understand why you said it. I can't see it as anything other than catty. Give her time and apologise properly, not defensively, tomorrow.

SonicBoomBoom · 03/09/2017 23:03

I'd have felt really shit if you'd said that to me. I'm actually impressed she called you a knob, I'd have gone home and cried and replayed years worth of conversations in my head worrying that everyone finds me boring like you do.

Send a nice apology.

SomethingInnocuous · 03/09/2017 23:17

Sonic Really? Even if there are jokey comments both ways? Seems a huge over reaction.

MadamePomfrey · 03/09/2017 23:18

Yeah I agree if someone takes the piss out of something ditzy I have done. Or a interesting outfit choice from the past 😳 I'm the first to laugh a long it's all good fun.

If I'm making a point in a conversation\giving an opinion as someone chimes in with 'very interesting'. I'd not see the humour. I would see it as dig my point wasn't important and very dismissive, which would piss me off and I may say something depending on the situation!

You seem to value the friendship so I would apologise for misunderstanding and put it behind you!

Pleasefindmyreallife · 03/09/2017 23:19

You didn't really imply she was boring - just that this one conversation was. The correct response from her would have been to laugh and say something like " I'll stick to drinking not describing it" or something and move on. She made a bigger deal by openly insulting you.
Had you called her " boring twat" than " knob" would have been the correct response.

Carpthet · 03/09/2017 23:20

TheNewSchmoo

Don't you ever make sarcastic or jokey comments to your friends? I do and similar things to this, if a friend describes something in detail I'll gently rib them about it with a similar "fascinating!" comment. If someone said the same to me I'd just ignore and carry on if they were one of my close friends. You can't be walking on eggshells around very close friends surely?

SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 23:20

The correct response from her would have been to laugh and say something like " I'll stick to drinking not describing it" or something and move on

What? The correct response? What are you talking about?

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