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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How likely is this to be innocent.

94 replies

Rhootintootinboo · 02/09/2017 07:28

A month or two back I received a friend request from a woman I didn't know but who have a couple of mutual friends, dp included. I don't atttent the same group thing they do so asked him and he said that she's just one of those who friends everyone. So I ignored. A little while later a messenger request came up from her but an unrelated person said that might be auto generated so I ignored that too. I went on messenger for another contact and saw the messages she'd been attempting to get through to me for a month. Oh yes. He has in her words led her on then slept with her then cut contact. I've asked him outright. He said she is nuts but he had been helping her with something and has been to her house when she tried it on and he declined. He said after that she kept texting and was angry to have been turned down. I have three issues 1) he lied anyway about spending time with her by omission 2) she knows something that she wouldn't have gleaned elsewhere and 3) she must have been REALLY pissed off to make up a story that they had slept together if they hadn't. Who would you believe?

OP posts:

Peaches77 · 02/09/2017 07:32

Why would she make it up though?

Original poster

Rhootintootinboo · 02/09/2017 07:35

She had issues with drink. And it isn't unheard of, there are some sick puppies around. But that's what I keep coming back to.

OP posts:

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 02/09/2017 07:38

I'd want to look at his phone and her messages.

Gooseberrytart4 · 02/09/2017 07:40

Ok so ask to see the texts she sent demanding sex and him refusing

troodiedoo · 02/09/2017 07:41

Yes you need to see evidence of their communications. If he's blanket deleted the lot, then that doesn't look good.

However as you say, there are some funny people about.

Heyx · 02/09/2017 07:42

I would definitely believe her although on threads with similar situations for some reason lots of posters say she must be a troublemaker, trust your husband (one recently where a woman spent the night on the sofa?)

Anyway you could ask her for further proof eg screenshots of messages although I would personally not bother. It would be enough for me that he had lied about going to her house.

Gooseberrytart4 · 02/09/2017 07:44

What does she know that she wouldn't have gleemed somewhere else? A hidden tattoo or birthmark?

Gooseberrytart4 · 02/09/2017 07:47

Do you have a good friend who is also a mutual friend who can paint an unbiased picture of her. If he's been in the sack with her of course he's going to say she's an alcoholic or whatever to save his own skin.

dudsville · 02/09/2017 07:49

What is it he said he'd gone round to help her with?

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2017 07:54

What does she know that couldn't be gleaned elsewhere?

Mumsnet is a funny old place.

When someone asks if they should tell the wife, the majority say yes.

When someone tells the wife the majority say don't believe her.

In my experience it's more common, much more common, in the real world that is, for men to cheat and lie about it than for women to pretend they slept with your husband.

traffordtimes · 02/09/2017 07:57

She had issues with drink
Wait, you said you don't know her, how could you know that?

highinthesky · 02/09/2017 07:58

Trust your instinct.

Has your DP been unfaithful in the past? Once a cheater...

LEMtheoriginal · 02/09/2017 07:58

He's lying - because when you first asked him had it been innocent, he would have told you...or told you in the first instance.

MrsOverTheRoad · 02/09/2017 08:01

I also think he's lying. Surely you'd tell your partner the INSTANT someone else "tried it on" with you.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 02/09/2017 08:03

Gone round her house to help her with wat? Sorry op, sounds likes load of crap. That's something you would think he would mention at the time.
Especially as you didn't even know they were that friendly.

splatattack · 02/09/2017 08:04

Doesn't sound good..in my experience men lie and women speak up to other women. I would look for more evidence!!

Notevilstepmother · 02/09/2017 08:05

My husband has had someone try it on with him on a couple of occasions. I know this because he has told me about it when he has got home. I'm sorry to say this, but why wouldn't he mention it until you already found out if it was true? When she sent you a friend request why didn't he say something then? When she kept texting him, he didn't ask you as his wife for advice on how to handle the situation? Did he tell you that she has a drink problem?

I think I'm inclined to think he is lying, sorry.

ProfessorPickles · 02/09/2017 08:05

Also think he's lying, ask her for evidence of their messages first and then ask your husband for proof too.
I wouldn't be surprised if he says "I deleted them at the time"

yaela123 · 02/09/2017 08:06

In my experience it's more common, much more common, in the real world that is, for men to cheat and lie about it than for women to pretend they slept with your husband.

This

yaela123 · 02/09/2017 08:08

she knows something that she wouldn't have gleaned elsewhere

What's this?

Windytwigs · 02/09/2017 08:11

Between the two of them there should be some text details for confirmation of one story or the other. Ask both and get as much detail as possible.
This thing she couldn't have gleaned elsewhere - if you're certain of this, ask your oh how she knows.

MollyHopps · 02/09/2017 08:17

It's an odd situation OP, I agree. Does this information indicate that your DH was intimate with the woman in question?

I would do some more digging, but then I am the kind who couldn't let this rest.

Desmondo2016 · 02/09/2017 08:20

I'm afraid I also agree with it being nore likely something has happened than not. Why not tell you as it was happening if his version of events was true. It doesnt make sense. If something is smelly it's normally shit.

Jedimum1 · 02/09/2017 08:22

In my opinion, he's lying. He did cut the relationship short and has been trying to brush it off since. I agree with PP that you tell your partner immediately if someone has been trying it on and you refuse, why would he need to go to her house alone? There's no reason whatsoever to do that. You either go with more people, or leave her at the door. Why were they alone? When you asked him about her on the first invite, he had his golden opportunity to say "omg, she keeps stalking me, tried it on and now is trying to contact you"... instead he said she invites everyone and didn't give you any impression that they had seen / were seeing each other alone. I think she might have been trying to do the right thing by telling you, but everyone will now try to say she's crazy and hurt and not to trust her. Maybe you can ask her to show you any text messages / mails from your DH? If DH has deleted it them? It sounds to me like your DH might have wanted a one night thing, she thought he was available, DH made it clear afterwards that he wasn't, she felt she needed to tell you. He needs to accept responsibility and apologize like there's no tomorrow, in my opinion.
I had one ex that kept brushing off all the random contact from a previous relationship, it was all "the other woman" being obsessed, and stalking, and sending messages, and knocking at the door... Until one day I came back early and found them in bed. My stupid old-me even sat down to talk it through and wanted to believe all the bs about being led on and one offs and so on.
I do hope it's not the case, but I wouldn't dismiss her without asking what proof she has.

JustMumNowNotMe · 02/09/2017 08:22

If it was innocent, why hasn't he told you about it before?! If me or DH have someone come onto us we always tell each other and laugh about it. Why has he kept it a secret?!

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