How likely is this to be innocent.

[Rhootintootinboo]

A month or two back I received a friend request from a woman I didn't know but who have a couple of mutual friends, dp included. I don't atttent the same group thing they do so asked him and he said that she's just one of those who friends everyone. So I ignored. A little while later a messenger request came up from her but an unrelated person said that might be auto generated so I ignored that too. I went on messenger for another contact and saw the messages she'd been attempting to get through to me for a month. Oh yes. He has in her words led her on then slept with her then cut contact. I've asked him outright. He said she is nuts but he had been helping her with something and has been to her house when she tried it on and he declined. He said after that she kept texting and was angry to have been turned down. I have three issues 1) he lied anyway about spending time with her by omission 2) she knows something that she wouldn't have gleaned elsewhere and 3) she must have been REALLY pissed off to make up a story that they had slept together if they hadn't. Who would you believe?

Oops... I totally missed where you posted she has already deleted all the texts.

That's strange, though, and takes quite a bit of her credibility away, IMO. These aren't the days of 2kb phone storage and needing to delete messages all the time anymore. Why would she have deleted them?

Can you delete facebook messages these days? I can't remember being able to permanently delete them there, so maybe you can see if those exist? If they met through a group, then surely there will be some contact on there.

But... I just don't know... strictly due to his lies by massive omission, myself, I think I'd be more suspicious of him than of the woman who came out of nowhere, with specific details and no apparent motive to lie, claiming she'd slept with him.

Here's what I would do in your shoes:

Look back and think really hard about his behaviour these past few weeks.
Did he take any off-schedule showers he wouldn't have otherwise? Did he seem more, or less, affectionate than normal at any time? Did he ever want more, or less, or different, sex to the usual? Was he moody or distant at all? Did he spend unusual amounts of time on his phone, and/or was he trying to keep the screen blocked? Anything like that??

Then, assuming you're still in contact with her, ask her for more proof. If she is genuinely telling this because she thinks it's for your own good, I would think she's be as forthcoming as possible. Ask her what she can do to prove this to you.

If you haven't already discussed all of these specifically, ask her for anything she has like FB messages, deletion records (if possible) or screenshots of clearly obvious deletion, voicemails, any other possible mode of contact. Ask her for all dates and times, and line those up to your schedules.

Perhaps, if you can bring yourself to, ask her to describe him naked, or if he has any distinguishing scars, tattoos, or other characteristics, see if she can remember anything like that.

If she can't come up with anything at all, and everything else has seemed normal with him, then it may be time to block her and write her off as a nutter trying to destroy your relationship.

Then have a very, very serious lecture discussion with your OH about lying by omission and spending time inside the homes of single, drunk women.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to respond. It really helps to get the perspectives of those who have been presented with similar scenarios before. I'm sorry to those who think it's weird I've not answered every question or responsed fast enough. Life goes on and Saturday appointments need to be kept. I don't want to speak directly with her, no good can come of that. It will feed the drama in her mind wether that drama is real or imagined. This could be anything between as he tells it and the man I've spent years with actually being a predatory male getting off on the deceit and flattery and taking advantage of vulnerable women. I need to ask him about another one of the women there he was helping touch up one of her old photographs. Newly divorced as I recall.

I don't want to speak directly with her, no good can come of that

You of course, must do what you think is best, but (since you've asked for opinions) that sounds very much to me like "I'm terrified that she might have proof and I'd much, much rather not know the truth if the truth is that he cheated".

It will feed the drama in her mind wether that drama is real or imagined

Or will present you with information that will help you make a decision one way or the other. Either she will say something that gives weight to her story, or she will give information that makes you certain she is making it up. There's no need to be dramatic about it - you can approach her calmly and rationally.

In fact, having re-read your OM, you say "2) she knows something that she wouldn't have gleaned elsewhere". You don't have to go into detail with us (although I admit, I am curious) but this fact is worth investigating.

I'm really, really sorry you're going through this, OP. I think being cheated on is one of the most horrible experiences, and I can well understand the impulse to circle the wagons, allow your partner to convince you of his full-of-holes story and pretend everything is just like it was. You don't have to do anything straight away, but you do need more data so you can make an informed decision.

The part that doesn't gel for me is - why didn't he tell you he was being harassed by this woman?

I was once sent a very flirtatious email by a work colleague. When I got home I showed it to DH and asked for suggestions on how to respond. We had a good chuckle about what to say - though in the end agreed it was probably best to ignore it.

If I'd had repeated texts there's no way I would have kept my DH in the dark about it.

He cheated... totally

On a scale of 1 to 10 op , probably a 2 to 3 , there are some nuts women out there but equally your Partner should have told you if anyone tried it on

This is my story.

Before Me and DH started dating, he had a friends with benefits for about 4 months or so, he then ended it. 3 months later we started dating.

I started receiving messages off the old FWB claiming she was still sleeping with DH, how I was stupid, he was using me etc.

I asked for proof, she gave me a few dates. The dates she gave didn't add up. One of them he was at a funeral with me, another he was abroad and the other dates couldn't have been possible.

I ignored her "proof" message. A few weeks later she sent another how DH was round hers, They had just had sex apparently. Even though he was sat on my couch so
I sent her a photo back of me and DH With our thumbs up.

She never messaged again.

The moral is some people like to cause shit and do lie.

Unsurprisingly there have been further admissions today. As someone suggested I asked him to get his phone records. His face said it all and he admitted that they would show a lot of activity. He then said he hadn't stopped her and kissed her back when she came on to him. He is absolutely adamant that is as far as it went and she is making the rest up. I only exchanged a couple of messages with her on the night I found the ones she sent. I was very matter of fact, said little and wasn't accusatory but she has blocked me so apart from speaking to someone else (who wasn't there at the time of the alleged shag) I have no way to know who is lying. Apart from as far as I can see so far he has and she hasn't. I hate him for doing this. i know it's time to go but the task seems enormous. Money. Emotional resilience. Both in short supply. Bastard.

I loathe the... dripping tap of information Liars give... playing down their role ... to an almost victim status...

Yep. He is definitely playing the victim. I told him that too but he is not giving in on if sex happened. He said he didn't and won't back down. I don't need him to tell me himself I know that. But it would be easier.

Well..... OP he needs to get a grip and apologise for bringing this sorry mess into the family home... he did this nobody else...

So sorry Rhoo. You may find things unravel in the next few days. It's like a big reveal. If the task seems enormous break it down and take one day at a time. First is to ask him to leave to give you time to think. Second is book in for a check to put your mind.

Assume sex did happen and go from there.

Sorry OP.

To put your mind at ease (that was meant to say!)

It does sound like he's cheated (the whole hog), and was quite involved with her (if the phone records show 'lots of activity').
I'm sorry, it must be a shock. very few people expect it of their partner we do trust them to be faithful.

So far you husband has lied at every opportunity. She has gone from a drunk crazy person he hardly knows to someone he has kissed and had a lot of texts/calls with! I would go forward believing her and decide what you want to do about your relationship form the point of view that your husband has cheated and repeatedly lied about it when questioned!
Sorry this has happened op

I'm sorry for you OP...... the sooner you're rid of him the better. You can do this!

for you OP.

I'm sorry
It's pretty sensible to dump someone for kissing OW, let alone the lying about it.
You don't need to know whether he has sex or not.
Get rid.