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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How likely is this to be innocent.

94 replies

Rhootintootinboo · 02/09/2017 07:28

A month or two back I received a friend request from a woman I didn't know but who have a couple of mutual friends, dp included. I don't atttent the same group thing they do so asked him and he said that she's just one of those who friends everyone. So I ignored. A little while later a messenger request came up from her but an unrelated person said that might be auto generated so I ignored that too. I went on messenger for another contact and saw the messages she'd been attempting to get through to me for a month. Oh yes. He has in her words led her on then slept with her then cut contact. I've asked him outright. He said she is nuts but he had been helping her with something and has been to her house when she tried it on and he declined. He said after that she kept texting and was angry to have been turned down. I have three issues 1) he lied anyway about spending time with her by omission 2) she knows something that she wouldn't have gleaned elsewhere and 3) she must have been REALLY pissed off to make up a story that they had slept together if they hadn't. Who would you believe?

OP posts:

Winosaurus · 02/09/2017 08:24

It doesn't look good...

Why would she lie?
Why is she so angry? If a man turned me down I'd be embarrassed not angry and message their wife with "lies"... something happened here, and then he's called an end to it
What info has she gleaned?
Why would he be helping this other woman with stuff at her house without telling you? If my DP does something nice for someone he tells me (men secretly love to be the hero and be praised lol)
What exactly was said?
Ask to see DP's phone, if he's wiped it he's guilty. If someone feels the needs to delete and correspondence it's because it was wrong to begin with

BillBrysonsBeard · 02/09/2017 08:25

Never underestimate how crazy some people are.. I have an alcoholic cousin who is always making stuff up, her particular favourite is saying people have died who haven't. But I would probably look into it further and keep my mind open to it being true.

user1493413286 · 02/09/2017 08:26

I'd talk to her and try and get some more information so you can work out if it's true or not. I'm sorry to say it but your DH's excused is quite a typical one although that doesn't mean it's not true but I'd be suspicious. If what he said was true I would expect to know if he was going to someone's house and if someone had tried it on.

Ellisandra · 02/09/2017 08:26

Oh he'll have deleted the messages that prove his rebuttal, I'd put money on that.

Ask her for a screenshot.

Winosaurus · 02/09/2017 08:28

Yeah I'd ask HER for proof... I bet my money if she has any she'll show you

Ellisandra · 02/09/2017 08:29

My fiancé - and before those my XH - do not live in each other's pockets.
But it would be bloody unusual for either of them or me to have gone to a friend's house to do something, and it not come up in general chit chat. So that makes me

TheNaze73 · 02/09/2017 08:31

Some people are unhinged. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions

EternalOptimistToo · 02/09/2017 08:32

I would also have expected him to mentioned how she harassed him if she had been that insistant.

mumofone234 · 02/09/2017 08:33

I'm going to go slightly against the majority and say that if you normally trust your husband you should trust him now. In any case, don't talk to the woman anymore as she's clearly out to break you up eotj

Joinourclub · 02/09/2017 08:33

Well he could be telling the truth. But it is far more likely that he isn't. Cheating men are far more common than crazy, angry, lying women.

mumofone234 · 02/09/2017 08:33

*either way. Sorry, pressed post by accident!

Buddy14 · 02/09/2017 08:35

It kind of depends what the bit of information is that she knows ...

Sorry OP you are dealing with this

OnionKnight · 02/09/2017 08:35

Ask her for proof before jumping to conclusion, don't listen to any of this 'trust your gut' bollocks that certain posters love to spout.

happypoobum · 02/09/2017 08:36

I would say it's far more likely he has cheated.

Why would he not have mentioned her, the thing he was doing for her, the fact she was unhinged etc?

What does she know about him that she couldn't know from elsewhere?

What's he like with his phone?

Mumof41987 · 02/09/2017 08:39

He is guilty ! Why would this women lie ! I'm sorry if it was as innocent as he says he should have told you at the time ! I know my husband would straight away tell me if some women tried it on with him . Ask to see his phone and watch him squirm ( he may deleted everything though as you should have immediately asked for his phone when you confronted him , he has had time to hide things )

GwenStaceyRocks · 02/09/2017 08:40

I don't understand why you didn't look at her messages when she sent them. Was it a friend of your DP's who suggested messaging requests were auto-generated? Did they do that because they knew what she would be messaging you about?

pudding21 · 02/09/2017 08:44

You need more info. Some people are bat shit crazy and like to cause trouble. People also cheat and lie. No smoke without fire and all that.

Original poster

Rhootintootinboo · 02/09/2017 08:46

She knows a date something happened. She didn't say that was the date she slept with him though and she could have made what claim. She has deleted all texts she told me (and obviously so has he). I'm shooting in the dark with this one now. I would normally trust him. But something doesn't hang together with his story. But she could be bill brysons cousin. That's the kind of crazy he is suggesting anyway.

OP posts:

Heyx · 02/09/2017 08:48

So what's his explanation for her knowing an important date?

Miserylovescompany2 · 02/09/2017 08:57

So they've both deleted texts? That in itself speaks volumes!

I'd imagine something has happened - you'll never get to know the full extent - just two different tales - I guess, you need to read between the lines and trust in your own intuition in this instance...

clippityclock · 02/09/2017 08:59

Most men that lie and cheat make out the woman is a crazy person whether its their wife or their spurned lover. He's cheated with her.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 02/09/2017 08:59

Well actually I don't think she would have deleted his texts if it were true. She'd want to keep them as evidence.

Fanciedachange17 · 02/09/2017 09:00

It all depends whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. If you are the kind of character who can genuinely forgive cheating and move on happily together then drop it now. (Hats off to you because I can't). However if this not knowing the truth is going to niggle away in your mind I'd suggest meeting up with her for a coffee and really listen to what she says. You're a smart woman, I reckon you would be able to tell if she is crazy or just very hurt and angry.

TheLegendOfBeans · 02/09/2017 09:04

Of course he's saying she's crazy.
And a classic deflection tactic is "oh, she drinks", conjuring up the image of the bitter dejected crone, tapping out hate-filled missives from her laptop after 3 bottles of merlot, crazed with rejection as she's set her sights on a saint only to have her affections spurned.

I'm not saying they've done the dirty but I think it's more than your DH is letting on.
They may have been chatting for some time and it's leaked into an emotional affair and I'd wager he's either a) slammed the brakes on or b) shagged her, got it out his system and then dropped the axe on her.

Alternatively, yes, she could be out to destroy you as a couple or him as a person but why would she care so much? That's the key.

Huppopapa · 02/09/2017 09:05

I cannot conceive of any circumstances in which I would go into - probably even to - someone else's house without mentioning it to my partner. If it was a member of the opposite sex, even more so. If s/he were single, more so with bells on.
I do go to other people's houses around play dates. My father did as he was a vicar. There is nothing remotely impermissible in that. But not to say? As a pp said,

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