How likely is this to be innocent.

[Rhootintootinboo]

A month or two back I received a friend request from a woman I didn't know but who have a couple of mutual friends, dp included. I don't atttent the same group thing they do so asked him and he said that she's just one of those who friends everyone. So I ignored. A little while later a messenger request came up from her but an unrelated person said that might be auto generated so I ignored that too. I went on messenger for another contact and saw the messages she'd been attempting to get through to me for a month. Oh yes. He has in her words led her on then slept with her then cut contact. I've asked him outright. He said she is nuts but he had been helping her with something and has been to her house when she tried it on and he declined. He said after that she kept texting and was angry to have been turned down. I have three issues 1) he lied anyway about spending time with her by omission 2) she knows something that she wouldn't have gleaned elsewhere and 3) she must have been REALLY pissed off to make up a story that they had slept together if they hadn't. Who would you believe?

I would chat to one of your mutual friends about her. Just general chat to find out if she has a drink problem or is a bit 'Jeremy Kyle'.
At least you could tell if what she's done is out of character or not.

I find it odd that your H didn't tell you at the time that he was helping her at her house. That rings alarm bells and would make me concerned.

Tough one :( something is off but there's no evidence he's got away with it as far as he is concerned. Seems extreme to ltb with no proof. You're rather stuck between a rock and a hard place.

"She tried it on with me and is angry that I refused so she's trying to break us up" is excuse #1, page 1 of 'Lies To Tell Your Girlfriend when you get Caught Cheating". The next one is "She's crazy".

This exact thing happened to me - I was contacted by a woman who had been sleeping with my boyfriend (he had been lying to her about being single and she was appalled when she found out). He denied it hotly and was angry with me, couldn't believe I didn't trust him, etc. I asked her if there was anything she could tell me that would give more weight to her story than his.

She could.

She was able to describe in detail his body, his bedroom, times they had been together, what he enjoyed in bed, etc. There was no doubt at all that he was lying and she was telling the truth.

I was very grateful to her for telling me. Even faced with this evidence he still denied it to the hilt and claimed that the reason we broke up was because I refused to trust him and destroyed our relationship!! What a tool

What's her explanation for deleting texts? I can see why your DH might, but not why she would.

So what was he helping her with? What is his area of expertise? Did she pay for it?

The op isn't being very forth coming with answers to our questions. Quite odd.

sounds highly suspicious.. what is your husband reaction to this ?

I'd say the same as Notevilstepmother. If I was in your DPs shoes and (as he claims) someone came onto me I would be telling my OH straight away. He's owned up to going round her house but only after you told him about the messages from the OW. He's already lied to you. I wouldn't trust him one bit OP.

Ask him to call his mobile phone provider and ask for itemised bills for around the date she says something happened.

While you won't see what messages say you'll see how often it's texted, if there's calls, how long, times and stuff x

I actually know of cases where men have...perhaps targeted is a strong way of putting it, but have leaned towards engaging with women who have known issues, because it makes the situation lots easier to explain away after the event. Plus a woman who may have issues is more likely to pursue a married guy for misguided reasons.

So they know she's 'A bit Jeremy Kyle' and use that because they fancy getting their leg over anyway.

I know it's often advised to women who are hung up on men to delete their number and messages, if it will help them to no longer dwell on the situation.

I agree with PP's, I'm inclined to believe her over him, however I can see that it'd be good for you to have some more proof! Could you do what a previous poster said and ask her where they slept together and if it happens to be in your bedroom get her to describe it or if not, get her to describe what he is like in bed / looks like naked.

If a woman came on to my husband he'd be so delighted he'd come home bouncing and tell me all about it (for days probably!)

If some insane, drunk woman came on to him he'd run, then tell me!

He's cheated, sorry

It does look suspicious to me, if it happened in the way your husband says then he will have the texts as proof. If he won't show you his texts then that is very suspicious too. I'm afraid you address going to have to ask him to give a better account of himself.

Some people are fantasists or lying with their own agenda. I had a woman tell my DH I'd been trying it on with her husband (which I absolutely had not) - I think she wanted to cause problems between us so she could swoop in on DH herself. We're stronger than that so it didn't work.

But that said, on balance of probability, it's more likely that he's lying.

I'm with everyone who'd believe her.
If it was innocent on his part, why hadn't he told you about going to her house? Why hasn't he told you about her trying it on, at least when she first tried to 'friend' you on FB. The fact he has said nothing, until she's said they slept together would set off huge alarm bells for me.

Do you believe the 'thing' he's been helping her with, and also caused him to go to her house?

My XH claimed that online dating on his laptop was a joke from a friend who had been sorting out a virus. It was only much later (like, post divorce later) that I mentioned that in person to the friend's SIL, who said that friend was the least computer literate of anyone she knew.

You see where I'm going?

Is it realistic that your boyfriend was helping her? Not just does he have those skills, but is he the type to be helping at all, and the type not to mention it? Not just the time at her house, or previously.

My boyfriend loves road biking and is a good bike mechanic and likes go pro type stuff. It was just daily hit chat when he said "bloody hell, Amy just asked me to set her Garmin up - she never does anything for herself - I said no!"

I do find it slightly believable that he might not mention someone coming on to him - only because I've seen people post here with "should I tell?". But I find it utterly unbelievable that he was helping her with something, to the extent of going to her house, and yet never told you.

I wouldn't immediately believe either of them; I'd be very suspicious of both of them, myself. I would demand more proof from both of them. I would also scrutinise his behaviour in the last weeks, since around the time you received the initial friend request.

Regardless of anything else, he went round hers - was inside another woman's home - and never mentioned that to you. That, all by itself, is really not on (at least in my marriage - in either direction), and it would be enough for me to ask for all of the phone records, emails, facebook chats, etc. between them, preferably before he's had a chance to delete them. If he were so innocent, he'd be happy to share. Then again, if he were so innocent, he'd most likely have mentioned something about this situation before.

Does he have any genuinely valid reason to be inside her home, just the two of them? Did he ever show you any of the messages that she sent, or even mention any of this at all? Or, let me guess, he went ahead and deleted them, rather than "worry you" or whatever nonsense? Oh, and did they know each other before this group thing, or did they meet only recently through it?

I can definitely see the possibility that she is lying. I have seen that myself a few times, when a particularly vindictive or unstable person is rebuffed by somebody and so tries to ruin their relationship to get their own back. However, there appears to be a bit more going on here than just that.

Could you meet up with her in person to speak? Would you want to? If you could see her face when she told you the story - or perhaps even see any communications between the two of them from her end, rather than deleted history from his - you could possibly get closer to the truth.

I wonder what his reaction would be to you suggesting you meet up with her to speak further? Or better yet... I wonder what his reaction would be to you telling him you've already gone to speak with her and look at the messages she still has saved on her phone...!

@GwenStacy - Before I left facebook, I would get messages and never see them. In fact, I never saw most messages, unless they arrived while I was online and actively looking at the messaging service. I've had several unread messages going back ages, that I would never have seen unless I'd gone into the messenger app.

Message her and ask for screenshots of the texts.

I think it's normal that she has deleted the texts, she tried to contact OP almost two months ago with no reply. After a few weeks, I'd have assumed OP didn't want to know or heard about it in other way and refused contact, so I'd delete the messages too, to move on. She wanted to tell OP in the heat of the moment, probably immediately or a day or two after steaming. Weeks later, without a reply, she probably moved on (which shows she's not that crazy).

You said you had a few mutual friends are you close enough to anyone to talk to them and see if they think she is the type to be this crazy??

I would be amazed if he were innocent. "She's crazy" and "she drinks" sound like lines from the script.

I imagine he said the same things about you to her, along with "living like flat mates" "sexless marriage" etc.

Why didn't he mention that she was a crazy drunk when she tried to Friend you? Surely that's a better explanation than 'she Friends everyone'? He could have laid the groundwork right there - but he didn't. Why not?
Because he hadn't slept with her then and she was just checking g you out? And only later when he HAD slept with her did she turn into 'crazy drunk lady'? How long between the Friending and the messaging? Is it plausible that she tried to Friend you to check you out (as her lover's wife) and messaged later when he'd DTD and then spurned her?
And WHY when she tried to Friend you firstly didn't he mention that she was mad and drunk and warm you not to have any dealing with her because she had made advances, been turned disown and was crazy drunk lady?

TL:DR. I am on the fence. A lot doesn't add up.

Point number 2 in your original post would ring major alarm bells for me, sorry.

Have a look at his mobile phone bill and see if there were lots of texts from him to her during the relevant period.

He's got the text contact covered though.
He was helping her