Boyfriend accommodating single female friend.. not sure where I stand!

[catbasilio]

My boyfriend of almost 1 year (we don't live together) texted me that his old friend is in need of help. The next thing I know this is his female friend of 11 years with whom he lodged when he was married and working away, she became homeless, apparently vulnerable and needs to stay with him for several weeks. Needless to say I went into rage. I've told him I am not comfortable, he puts himself into ambiguous situation. He said he understood where I am coming from and I have nothing to worry about but... the friend still moving in! He 'consulted' his friends and mum and apparently they think he is doing the right thing (cannot verify).
Well I consulted my friends and they also think this is ambiguous situation he is putting himself in.
I know she is not his type and I don't think he intends cheating, but I've never met her and I can only guess that she might go for his saviour knight in a shiny armour. I keep imagining them walking about in his house in underwear or him emotionally supporting her...
I sort ot trust him, but I don't trust her. And I don't understand why a grown up woman went to stay with him and not with her family or female friends. He says she's been homeless before and her previous (male) host shagged her and she is staying with my boyfriend because he would never do that (?)?

In addition he's been less available to me than usual. Admittedly I shouted when on the phone with him, couple of times. Nothing he says reassures me. My head says he is not intending to cheat and he did it to help, my heart says he should have consulted me first and shouldn't do it if I am not happy, and should have looked for other solutions. I feel like at the bottom of his priority list.

My question is what to do next? My natural me would like to detach from him and stand back, and almost leave him as simply I cannot handle my emotions. But maybe I am oversensitive? Overreacting? What should I do?

Needless to say I went into rage

It wouldn't have occurred to me to rage at someone for helping out a vulnerable homeless person, so it certainly needed saying.

In addition he's been less available to me than usual.

Keep acting the way you are and youre going to find that situation doesn't change.

If this friend had a penis, would you feel the same?

Do you not think if they've been friends for 11 years, if they wanted to be together, they would be already?

If I had a male friend who found themselves homeless, I would of course give them a place to live. My generosity to friends isn't dictated based on their reproductive organs.

And if DP thinks I should see a long-term friend out on the streets because he's not happy, he'd be the one out on his ear.

Maybe try sorting out your insecurities before you speak to the poor man again.

I can't imagine somebody throwing themselves in to a rage at me for making a decision about who lives in my house.

You'd be gone.

I disagree with the other posters. She shagged the last one she stayed with. Now she's with the OP's boyfriend - she's looking for somewhere to stay, yes, but why not stay with a female friend?

OP, you say he's been more distant lately. Do you think your relationship has come to a natural end?

Get a fucking grip

Hi OP,
This happened to me in the past. My then boyfriend took in a female lodger who needed a temporary place to stay (a friends sister). I reacted in the same way you did. All i could imagine was her underwear hanging up to dry in his flat and them sharing cosy nights together in front of the tv.
He went ahead with it anyway.
In the end he arranged for a night in for me to meet her and this made me feel so much more comfortable, as she was new to the area I offered to take her out for a drink and we became sort of friends.

Maybe you could ask your boyfriend if you could meet her first to put your mind at ease?

Why should who she stays with be dictated by whether they're male or female?

Fuck that. OP needs to work on her insecurities.

I shagged someone I went on a date with once. I've never shagged my male friend when I've stayed at his though. Because he is my friend. And if I wanted to shag him and him me, we'd have done that a long time ago.

God for fucking bid I ever find myself in a situation like this and because I've had sex with a man previously, it's held against me.

Maybe OP's DP is a respectable enough man not to have sex whilst in a relationship. And maybe friend is wuestion respects her friend enough to know he's in a relationship and therefore won't accidentally slip on to his dick.

Actually the op said she was looking for someone who wouldn't "shag her" Which doesn't sound like the woman was happy with the situation. Maybe vulnerably housed women are pressured in to sex to keep a roof over their heads

I think meet her firstly.
Secondly if you trusted him and were secure in your relationship this wouldn't bother you, I know my husband would help a close female friend in need and I think that's one of his best qualities how he cares. The problem is your jealousy here.
Is there any reason you don't feel you trust him?

Meet her. Then you'll have a better idea.

No point in jumping to conclusions at this early stage. Have you any reason to suspect they are more than friends or have ever been. It does show he's quite kind offering her a place to stay if she's homeless.

I would have lost my mind too. However that is not to say that your boyfriend is actually doing anything wrong. I just couldn't see my partner living with another woman. It seems like he is trying to do the right thing by helping her out. Commenters are being quite harsh to you. Can anyone HONESTLY say that they would be 100% content with another woman sharing a home with their partner when they aren't around, no matter what the circumstances? I doubt it. At the end of the day this is how you feel and people shouldn't attack you for that just because your boyfriend is helping out a vulnerable friend. you're a human and you're entitled to be upset

Hi OP - I think you're definitely over-reacting, but at the same time, I do understand why you're uncomfortable. Living with someone does give an impression of intimacy. However, meet her, get to know her, remember that if they wanted to be together something would have happened by now, he lodged with her previously and presumably nothing happened, it's temporary, and above all it truly is possible for men and women to be just friends.

Also - don't you want to be with the kind of good man that will step up and help his friends? Keep your head and your dignity - it will serve you better!

You really need to chill the fuck out. Getting into a rage and shouting (!) at your bf is a ridiculous reaction to him helping out an old friend.

You keep imagining him giving her emotional support? How dreadful . She's vulnerable, they've already been friends for 11 years with nothing happening and in fact, she's moving in because her 'previous male host shagged her' and presumably made her feel exploited and even more vulnerable. Hence asking an old friend to help.

You don't know why there isn't anyone else she can turn to and it's nothing to do with you. She is his FRIEND regardless of sexual organs so why shouldn't he help her?

I would probably say it shouldn't be for too long but again that's up to him. I have a feeling their friendship will far outlast his relationship with you, if you don't make a big apology and stop being so jealous and lacking in compassion. If you were my partner I'd view you in a very different light after an outburst like that. Homelessness is awful, I can't imagine how stressed and miserable she must be. Good on your boyfriend for being there for her.

Christ if I was him you'd be gone.

You overreacted.

You either trust him or you don't.

My dp has female friends over often. They stay with him sometimes. It's a complete non issue because (a) I trust him and (b) if he shagged someone else, that's on him, it's not a reflection of my worth as a person, and there is nothing I could do to effect him making a choice about what he does with his own penis. In other words. There is literally nothing to get upset about.

You sound extremely insecure. It also sounds like you don't trust your bf. And like you pin your self worth on the idea that a man needs to be faithful to you in order for you to feel ok about yourself.

I invite you to get a grip, grow up, and if your trust in your partner is low, if you're a person who measures her worth as a person on whether her man has sex with other people, then it would be best for you to get a different partner.

I happy to see some opinions here saying that I am in the wrong. I do believe he does not intend to shag her but maybe I fear that emotional closeness when they live together which may lead, or may not to something. Obviously I am pushing away my boyfriend with my insecurities even more.

He's become distant a couple of days ago coinciding with her asking or him offering help. He neve thought of telling me upfront. That bothers me. These days we only talked about her moving in and nothing else. So there is already lots of shit in between... because of how I reacted.

I asked him to call me this evening. He hasn't. He's probably busy with her moving in tonight.

I am abroad for few days and will be back next week. I cannot meet her beforehand, but was told of course I will meet her after I return.

I am all for helping, but if it was me I would have asked my boyfriend upfront and probably wouldn't do that out of respect not to create ambigous situation...

You really do need to chill out. I recognise it's hard but even in your last post you said you asked him to call this evening and he hasn't - it's only 6pm! Release your death grip on him.

Wow! YABU.
Why on earth did you fly into a rage? He's helping a friend out who is homeless - if this were by bf I'd be supporting him, asking if there was anything I could do to help. I'm not surprised he's reduced contact - he must feel hugely unsupported. You should apologise and ask how his friend is

So glad I posted, should have done it before my rage. I was nearly dumping him as overwhelmed with emotions... this helping to chill out.

I think your being a bit OTT. Have you met her? I'm sure meeting her would help. If they had history I'd be furious but it doesn't sound as though they do. I have male friends that I have never considered different to my female friends , they've been friends for 11 years and not dated/shagged so I think your pretty safe.

If he dumps you now, it will be because of your behaviour, not because of her. What a horrible way to react towards your boyfriend doing something kind. Men and women are perfectly capable of being friends without fucking each other. You need to grow up.