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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend accommodating single female friend.. not sure where I stand!

82 replies

catbasilio · 01/09/2017 17:29

My boyfriend of almost 1 year (we don't live together) texted me that his old friend is in need of help. The next thing I know this is his female friend of 11 years with whom he lodged when he was married and working away, she became homeless, apparently vulnerable and needs to stay with him for several weeks. Needless to say I went into rage. I've told him I am not comfortable, he puts himself into ambiguous situation. He said he understood where I am coming from and I have nothing to worry about but... the friend still moving in! He 'consulted' his friends and mum and apparently they think he is doing the right thing (cannot verify).
Well I consulted my friends and they also think this is ambiguous situation he is putting himself in.
I know she is not his type and I don't think he intends cheating, but I've never met her and I can only guess that she might go for his saviour knight in a shiny armour. I keep imagining them walking about in his house in underwear or him emotionally supporting her...
I sort ot trust him, but I don't trust her. And I don't understand why a grown up woman went to stay with him and not with her family or female friends. He says she's been homeless before and her previous (male) host shagged her and she is staying with my boyfriend because he would never do that (?)?

In addition he's been less available to me than usual. Admittedly I shouted when on the phone with him, couple of times. Nothing he says reassures me. My head says he is not intending to cheat and he did it to help, my heart says he should have consulted me first and shouldn't do it if I am not happy, and should have looked for other solutions. I feel like at the bottom of his priority list.

My question is what to do next? My natural me would like to detach from him and stand back, and almost leave him as simply I cannot handle my emotions. But maybe I am oversensitive? Overreacting? What should I do?

OP posts:
BadHatter · 01/09/2017 18:09

"shouldn't do it if I am not happy"

I suppose this is how a lot of controlling partners view these life situations.

thestamp · 01/09/2017 18:10

"ambiguous situation"

What does that even mean? Ambiguous to whom, for goodness sake?

Ambiguous to him? Surely you know him well enough to trust him. If not, then why are you with him?

Ambiguous to her? Again, if you trust him, that's immaterial surely?

Ambiguous to others? Why would this matter, or is it your ego talking, you feel others will think less of you because your bf has a friend staying over? Is that really important enough for you to lose your shit at him over it?

If you don't trust him, shouting at him about it won't make you trust him more. If nothing else it'll make him withdraw more. What did you think would be improved by you losing your temper??

It sounds like your ego is bruised because he didn't ask your permission to have his friend stay. That doesn't reflect well on you I'm afraid. Sure many women feel ego bruised by stuff like this, but when you think about it, it's still not great is it

Notreallyarsed · 01/09/2017 18:11

The language you use in your OP may as well have come from the abusers handbook OP "needless to say I went into a rage" "I sort of trust him, I don't trust her".

Men and women can share space without ripping each other's clothes off you know. Would you rather see her homeless?

OuchLegoHurts · 01/09/2017 18:18

I'd imagine he has become distant with you since you shouted at him! Keep your dignity lady, don't freak him out, stay cool...even if you're worried. It's much more attractive to be cool and dignified.

Original poster
catbasilio · 01/09/2017 18:21

Ok just texted him a nice text and his WhatsApp shows one tick...
Keeping cool and dignified from now on.

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 01/09/2017 18:26

I say to every partner I have 'don't cheat on me because you don't want to cheat on me, not because I've removed any options if you cheating'

sonjadog · 01/09/2017 18:30

You can´t keep him away from every woman in the world. Either you trust him to converse with other women and be in their company without shagging them, or you don´t. If you don´t trust him, then there is no point being in a relationship with him.

I´m not surprised you feel he is withdrawing the last few days. He is probably rethinking your relationship after your outburst.

Brahms3rdracket · 01/09/2017 18:35

If I were him I wouldn't call you either... ever again. I couldn't possibly have a relationship with someone so lacking in empathy at someone needing a place to stay. You're attitude fucking stinks tbh.

I've shared houses with a lot of men and managed to not accidentally fall into bed with any of them.

Sort yourself out ffs.

chestylarue52 · 01/09/2017 18:38

I'd be furious if I was him. Presumably she helped him out when he was in need of accommodation. I've lived with several male housemates and managed not to fuck any of them.

Fudgit · 01/09/2017 18:43

I would honestly suggest you take this as your opportunity to look carefully at yourself more generally. Your assumptions and thinking aren't good and I would imagine this is apparent in other ways or will be over time.

Original poster
catbasilio · 01/09/2017 18:44

Oi! Understood! No need to put salt on my wound.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 01/09/2017 18:44

He has cooled off since you went iff on one - no surprise there then!!

Gorgosparta · 01/09/2017 18:46

Tbh i would be distancing myself and being less available to you, if you acted like that.

Its been a couple of days and you are saying 'these days we only talk about her'.

You clearly have issues and it completely unfair to take it out on him.

If i were him i would be spending your time away considering the future of the relationship.

Notreallyarsed · 01/09/2017 18:46

catbasilio have you apologised to him?

Original poster
catbasilio · 01/09/2017 18:47

Well at this time he should be moving his friend in and his phone is off ... keeping cool...

OP posts:
Myhomeismycastle · 01/09/2017 18:54

Bloody hell, lay off, all these comments 'get a fucking grip' can people not give opinions without being so harsh Hmm.

OP you're getting a bashing. My advice to you is to keep your cool, work on your self esteem, be available but not too available, distract yourself- go out with friends & have fun!

At the end of the day, if someone is going to cheat on you, they will & there would be nothing you could do about it, but you can drive crazy overthinking things & being paranoid. Believe me it's never worth it.

Anecdoche · 01/09/2017 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Runninglateeveryday · 01/09/2017 19:04

How long have you been together?

TokenGinger · 01/09/2017 19:12

I wouldn't stress about the phone being off. It could have died and as he's busy moving her in, it's not important to charge it.

My butter fingers are forever slipping my phone on to airplane mode.

Or he could be somewhere with no signal.

WinchestersInATardis · 01/09/2017 19:14

If a male friend of mine was about to be made homeless, I'd offer my spare room in an instant.
And fwiw if my boyfriend went 'into a rage' at the idea of me helping a friend in trouble, he'd be an ex-boyfriend very quickly.

heron98 · 01/09/2017 19:17

Wow.

YABVU

You sound very jealous and possessive.

Minkyfluffster · 01/09/2017 19:18

Seriously I think that you need to apologise to your boyfriend and meet his friend, you might get on with her?

PringlesPirate · 01/09/2017 19:22

She's his friend of 11 years. And you're his girlfriend of 1 year.
Who has went a bit mental at him doing a good turn for someone who is going to be homeless.

Ok. I can see it from your point OP. but please see it from his. She has been in his life longer and he is being a good bloke.

You "sort of trust him". That's really a "no you don't trust him". If you did, then you know he'd be a stand up guy helping out in a time of need.

I think you should send him a message which apologises for you flying off the handle. And then go and distract yourself while he is busy, you will only drive yourself crazy. And then when you meet him again have a proper conversation about why this setup now makes you feel uneasy. Ask about their relationship, how long this setup is going to be for.

If none of this puts you at ease, or you keep acting like a banshee, then this will mark the end of your relationship.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 01/09/2017 19:22

She's in need of some help. He's helping her. She can't help the fact that she's a woman and the person helping her is a man. Give your boyfriend more credit - he's helping someone in need, he's not going to shag them.

AlphaStation · 01/09/2017 19:25

Maybe suggest he stays with you while she borrows his flat??