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Original poster

Boyfriend accommodating single female friend.. not sure where I stand!

82 replies

catbasilio · 01/09/2017 17:29

My boyfriend of almost 1 year (we don't live together) texted me that his old friend is in need of help. The next thing I know this is his female friend of 11 years with whom he lodged when he was married and working away, she became homeless, apparently vulnerable and needs to stay with him for several weeks. Needless to say I went into rage. I've told him I am not comfortable, he puts himself into ambiguous situation. He said he understood where I am coming from and I have nothing to worry about but... the friend still moving in! He 'consulted' his friends and mum and apparently they think he is doing the right thing (cannot verify).
Well I consulted my friends and they also think this is ambiguous situation he is putting himself in.
I know she is not his type and I don't think he intends cheating, but I've never met her and I can only guess that she might go for his saviour knight in a shiny armour. I keep imagining them walking about in his house in underwear or him emotionally supporting her...
I sort ot trust him, but I don't trust her. And I don't understand why a grown up woman went to stay with him and not with her family or female friends. He says she's been homeless before and her previous (male) host shagged her and she is staying with my boyfriend because he would never do that (?)?

In addition he's been less available to me than usual. Admittedly I shouted when on the phone with him, couple of times. Nothing he says reassures me. My head says he is not intending to cheat and he did it to help, my heart says he should have consulted me first and shouldn't do it if I am not happy, and should have looked for other solutions. I feel like at the bottom of his priority list.

My question is what to do next? My natural me would like to detach from him and stand back, and almost leave him as simply I cannot handle my emotions. But maybe I am oversensitive? Overreacting? What should I do?

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 01/09/2017 19:28

alpha would you recommend a woman move in with a man who lost his shit, when she helped a friend out?

TheNaze73 · 01/09/2017 19:29

In most relationships you'd be toast.

Ridiculous over reaction

mylittlepony6 · 01/09/2017 19:48

My female friend (who has two sons) is just about to become homeless. My very first reaction was to tell her she could stay with us if she was desperate. My DH raised his eyebrows because we have no room but knows that I wouldn't see a friend stuck. Look at the bigger picture OP

SomeOtherFuckers · 01/09/2017 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SomeOtherFuckers · 01/09/2017 20:02

You also sound controlling, narcissistic , self obsessed and childish.

Re read your op and image if someone else said it .... you sound psychotic.

SomeOtherFuckers · 01/09/2017 20:07

And @07021997K until I recently moved in with my partner he has lived with 4 women in the last 4 years of our relationship , some in the Netherlands, some in Lancashire. He's also been on holidays with all of his girl mates ( 6 women and him). And frankly yes I am 100% fine with it. I know he wants me, I know that men are intelligent and do not slip and accidentally put their penis in someone or get 'overwhelmed' and do it.
If you can't trust them let them go.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 01/09/2017 20:42

OP well done on sending him a conciliatory follow up message. And also for recognising you may have been too hasty. I hope you're able to recover things with your bf.

TokenGinger · 01/09/2017 20:51

SomeOtherFuckers - it's so nice to see it from a woman's point of view. We work in a large office and at my end, it's very female heavy. There's one lad always with us and we've crowned him an honorary lady. We have a lady's cinema night once a month and he's always with us. Someone commented, asking how his girlfriend would feel about him being out with a bunch of women and I was a bit like Confused errrr, hopefully happy that her fella isn't excluded from office activities just because he's the only boy and we love having him along with us, and not because we're desperate to sit on his face but just because he's such a lovely person and we value him as our friend.

TokenGinger · 01/09/2017 20:51

By woman's point of view, I mean from the point of view of a lady whose partner does similar things!

SomeOtherFuckers · 01/09/2017 22:18

@TokenGinger I get what you mean, and a lot of my friends have asked me how I'm okay with it too... but they're not in the least interested in him and vice Versa - they're friends and they love each other. Pretty sure mines an honorary lady too .. and oddly he is also the token ginger Grin

TokenGinger · 01/09/2017 22:27

Yessss, I love that he's the token ginger! I want him to be my honorary lady! We can compare recessive genes 😍

Gemini69 · 01/09/2017 22:47

his reaction to you actions.. are pretty off OP... you were 'jealous' and conflicted about a female friend moving in .. its a human emotion..

the fact he's now not responding to your texts.. or calls.. would be ringing massive alarm bells for me... he's avoiding you now...

is it over.. who knows

TokenGinger · 01/09/2017 22:49

Gemini - flying off the handle in a rage is now human emotions.

What he is now doing is evaluating whether he wants to be in a relationship with somebody who reacts so aggressively to their partner helping a homeless person.

He's doing totally the right thing. This is not an alarm bell.

Garlicansapphire · 01/09/2017 22:58

Well one of my best friends is a man and we would do that for each other if we needed help in a crisis. His wife gets our friendship and my husband did and boyfriends have - we have never ever had any thing happen between us but frankly if a boyfriend had a problem with him then it would be the boyfriend who'd have to go. My friendship is more important to me and doing the right thing for my friend in a crisis would be too.

Original poster
catbasilio · 01/09/2017 23:07

All sorted so would like this thread to be removed. He replied, we talked, the lady is in, and even though I can't say I am 100% comfortable I will fake cool until I make it. I need to meet the lady though for my own peace of mind - I guess it would be different if we already knew each other.

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 01/09/2017 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Garlicansapphire · 01/09/2017 23:14

Good luck OP. I think you might need it. I think he got a red flag about you.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2017 23:17

You also sound controlling, narcissistic , self obsessed and childish.

^^^^ Totally uncalled for.

SoftKittySillyKitty · 01/09/2017 23:18

I agree with you Sandy. Whilst I do think the OP overreacted, there have been some unnecessarily harsh responses here.

MistressDeeCee · 02/09/2017 01:31

Controlling, obsessed, narcissistic, psychotic...what bitchy, overboard responses. Why should OP not be a little suspicious? I bet 1/2 of the oh so cool crew with harsh responses to try to drag a woman down, would scream blue murder in her shoes, if it were their OP. doing same

OP If they're so close that your OH is fine with her living with him for a while - then how it is you haven't met her? He consulted his MUM about her? WTF for? How old is he and whats it to do with dear mummy? He's told all his friends too? Why? So they can look askance at you? Or because he needs to justify his decision to others?

I do think its odd OP. don't be blindsided by loads of women on here calling you insecure (I think that word is meant to cause you to fall to the ground in anguish or some such), obsessive, or whatever. Go with your gut feeling

Personally I'd not want to be with a man and know that he's at home with another woman. IDGAF who thinks that makes me 'insecure', its not a situation I'd ever be interested in contending with.

The potential for growing closeness between them is too great, sharing a home living space time talk meals etc..nah. I don't actually think any man is worth all that wondering anyway. Id detach from him in my mind. Leave them to it...she'll move in but live your life and try not to give it any more headspace.

Having said that I somehow have the feeling that once she moves in he will say 'subtle' things to wind you up, make you wonder. The mummy n friends thing alone spells 'silly narc gameplayer' to me

Wonder if he'd be cool with you having a manfriend living with you? Either way only you know what you can put up with, what suits you. If you find a way to accept it fine, if you don't then walk because your relationship will be ruined anyway

LittleBooInABox · 02/09/2017 01:48

This men and women can't be friends when the man has a relationship crap is getting out of hand now.

You reacted badly, you owe him an apology. He's helping a friend.

Gemini69 · 02/09/2017 17:14

MistressDeeCee

I like you hahahaaaaaa brilliant post Grin

TangledSlinky · 02/09/2017 18:07

Sorry OP but you'd be long gone if you were my DP. No way would I be prioritising a relationship of less than a year over a friendship of over a decade, particularly when said friend sounds desperately in need of support right now.

greit · 02/09/2017 18:17

MistressDeeCee , I think your post says what many of us are thinking.

ElsieMc · 02/09/2017 18:59

Another for MistressDeeCee. I would not be happy with my boyfriend living with another woman because that is what he is doing. Red flag here being not your loss of temper, but the fact that he did not mention it to you first, but to everyone else, then informing you that "they" thought it was the right thing to do - Immediately putting you on the back foot because you are now the odd one out. But of course you are just his girlfriend.

I must be too old to be chilled. I would be angry and stroppy and he would end the relationship with me because my behaviour would be a red flag.

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