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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting married in 3 months should i cancel

98 replies

Devers17 · 01/09/2017 08:34

So, im engaged to be married to a handsome man, i have a loving son with him who is coming two and we are due to get married early December this year.

I dont know where to begin.
Everything was perfect for the first 4 years until are son came along. I noticed my partner become distant. He drank more he lied about going drinking, if he was drinking it wasnt classified as "going out" because he was at a bar not a nightclub but every night he disappeared away to the night club, stumbling in at 5:30-6am. It came to the point where he just wasnt telling me or talking to me. He came home from work most days and sat on his phone never communicating or helping a hand with the child. Any time I go to go out with the girls he texts me none stop asking when will i be home even makes up lies that the child is sick. For example i was on my best friends hen party i hadnt been out in over a year with the girls as i was pregnant. So he texted me and called me saying the child had the mumps i went into panic mode, told him to bring him to the out of hours doctor, he kept changing the subject. I texted my mum and she texted me back saying all is fine go enjoy yourself. I turn around at the bar..... and there he is. so basically he made up a lie so i would come hom and he bcause i didnt come home he had to see what i was doing. I was fuming.
Then one day i found countless messages back and forward to a girl..i confronted to him about it and even though i seen them with my own eyes he lied to me swear on my childs life he never seen them and stormed off making me feel like the guilty one. He later deleted the messages. I later found out that a girl wrote to him saying " i fell out with your girlfriend today, forgot you had two." Once i confronted this he again denied all. I think it was about here when my trust broke. I couldnt prove that he was lying about cheating but I had that gut feeling. Fast forward a year or two, and we are due to get married.
However, ive just found out he now has loads of debts and black listed which means we can not get onto the property ladder. The man is nearly into his 30s and hasnt saved a penny and has no intentions of. You see he sees money and spends it on drink. Ive lost count of how many nights i have sat in alone while he enjoys his social life. Its came apart of our relationship now that he basically enjoys himself and doesnt invite me. For example we had tickets for a game and i over heard him saying if we cant get a babysitter she can stay behind. This annoyed me because i never get out or enjoy myself. I feel trapped.
In a heat argument he turned around to me and said ( in front of people) " i cant even see us making past the 5 year marriage"

Often our arguments can be nasty, name calling the odd physical slap or two.
He once mocked my breasts in front of people while drunk... " how they hang to the side" i am a thin woman however once i feel pregnant they grew from an A cup to a DD. He knows I was extremely hurt by this comment as I'm very sensitive about them.. yet he still hasn't apologised.

To be honest i feel like I'm a nanny who minds his kid until he feels like spending quality time with him.I have gave him countless chances and i am on my last nerve. Im sick of missing out and living my life just because i have a child.
My question is... from that story cut down,
Do you think i should walk away for my childs sake or what.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 01/09/2017 08:37

Don't walk away. RUN. VERY VERY FAST.

Seriously, and I'm not one for knee jerk "Leave The Bastard" comments but in this case, absolutely do not marry this man and have nothing to do with him outside of parenting conversations in future.

AgentProvocateur · 01/09/2017 08:37

Yes, but don't walk - run. He's an abusive dick, and you'd be doing your child a favour by not marrying him.

RegisterNow · 01/09/2017 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ropsleybunny · 01/09/2017 08:38

And you're with this man, why?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/09/2017 08:38

You must know yourself - cancel it. No matter how handsome he is, he's not treating you well.

autumnboys · 01/09/2017 08:38

I think you should walk away for your own sake, as well as your child's. He sounds awful, Devers and both you and your son deserve better.

pullingmyhairout1 · 01/09/2017 08:39

LTB ... LTB .... LTB

Do not stay

Inertia · 01/09/2017 08:41

He doesn't even like you. Marriage to this man would be utterly miserable. He isn't a good father.

RusholmeRuffian · 01/09/2017 08:41

Get out now! Do not marry this arsehole. Leave immediately, you deserve a million times better than this.

Spadequeen · 01/09/2017 08:41

The question should be is here any reason to marry him. I think you know the answer to that.

As others have said, leave now whilst you still can. Today, right now, kick him out.

flowery · 01/09/2017 08:41

Of course you should cancel.

ReinettePompadour · 01/09/2017 08:42

I would leave if I were in that situation. However it has to be your choice and not strangers on the internet.
You already know his behaviour is not right and he has got worse over time. Marriage should be the last thing you are thinking of really.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/09/2017 08:44

So he ....
Has a problem with alcohol
Lies frequently
Is very controlling
Has cheated on you
Is crap with money
Hits you
Ridicules you in front of people

Why the heck would anyone stay with a person like that?

You will have a very miserable life if you stay with this nasty individual.

Leave him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2017 08:49

Do not just walk away, run and with your child. He revealed his true self to you when you had his child; that was him all along really. The signs of his true nature were probably there before that time too, abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset.

The wedding needs to be cancelled with immediate effect.

I would also suggest you enrol on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid because abusive men like this one who targeted you take a long time, years even, to recover from. Your boundaries are very skewed from being in this abusive relationship anyway and those need a complete reset.

redfragglebiker · 01/09/2017 08:49

Run away NOW! I have never ever advised someone to leave before on a mumsnet thread but seriously his behaviour will only get worse and you will be more trapped by it. If you marry this man he will feel like he owns you and his behaviour will get worse.
As someone that has experienced this kind of relationship (nowhere near marrying him thank gods) GET OUT NOW.

PrincessPlod · 01/09/2017 08:49

Honestly why would you consider staying with him. For the breast comment alone I would leave him. He is clearly not a man of the world as natural breasts when larger do hang to the sides. I speak for myself (normally E but post pregnancy G) and various friends.

You deserve better and so does your son. This man will not change.

Melabela10 · 01/09/2017 08:50

I rarely say this but.... run as fast you can.
He doesn't help much at home or with the child, he sounds like an abusive one and he is not financially stable. He is also seen to be unfaithful.. he doesn't contribute to the family. This marriage won't last anyway and you just lose your precious time while being with him which you could spent looking for another partner.

TheNaze73 · 01/09/2017 08:58

Seriously, he sounds unhinged.

You'd be a fool to marry him

Isetan · 01/09/2017 08:59

Do you really need to ask? Give your head a wobble, if this lying waste of space was engaged to one of your girls, what would you say?

Get rid because because there is no happy ending with this one.

redexpat · 01/09/2017 09:01

Please dont marry him. Have you got your own money? Can you move out?

TestTubeTeen · 01/09/2017 09:03

Yes, you should cancel the wedding, and leave him.

MissHemsworth · 01/09/2017 09:12

Do not marry this man OP he is controlling and abusive.

What is your situation financially? Do you own you property or rent? Can you stay with family?

RandomMess · 01/09/2017 09:12

Indeed run!

If you marry his debts become marital debts...

He is nasty, controlling and abusive.

EezerGoode · 01/09/2017 09:14

Oh my god.do not marry him....get all yr money separate from him.he will bleed you dry finically...and he's abusing you LBT

Shakey15000 · 01/09/2017 09:14

Absolutely cancel the wedding and leave as soon as you can. He's a horror and given all you know/have said, you be an absolute mug to stay with this shower of shite.

And please don't post stuff like "but he's good at xyz" because quite frankly he could shit diamonds and I'd still think he was a grade A twat. Good luck

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