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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting married in 3 months should i cancel

98 replies

Devers17 · 01/09/2017 08:34

So, im engaged to be married to a handsome man, i have a loving son with him who is coming two and we are due to get married early December this year.

I dont know where to begin.
Everything was perfect for the first 4 years until are son came along. I noticed my partner become distant. He drank more he lied about going drinking, if he was drinking it wasnt classified as "going out" because he was at a bar not a nightclub but every night he disappeared away to the night club, stumbling in at 5:30-6am. It came to the point where he just wasnt telling me or talking to me. He came home from work most days and sat on his phone never communicating or helping a hand with the child. Any time I go to go out with the girls he texts me none stop asking when will i be home even makes up lies that the child is sick. For example i was on my best friends hen party i hadnt been out in over a year with the girls as i was pregnant. So he texted me and called me saying the child had the mumps i went into panic mode, told him to bring him to the out of hours doctor, he kept changing the subject. I texted my mum and she texted me back saying all is fine go enjoy yourself. I turn around at the bar..... and there he is. so basically he made up a lie so i would come hom and he bcause i didnt come home he had to see what i was doing. I was fuming.
Then one day i found countless messages back and forward to a girl..i confronted to him about it and even though i seen them with my own eyes he lied to me swear on my childs life he never seen them and stormed off making me feel like the guilty one. He later deleted the messages. I later found out that a girl wrote to him saying " i fell out with your girlfriend today, forgot you had two." Once i confronted this he again denied all. I think it was about here when my trust broke. I couldnt prove that he was lying about cheating but I had that gut feeling. Fast forward a year or two, and we are due to get married.
However, ive just found out he now has loads of debts and black listed which means we can not get onto the property ladder. The man is nearly into his 30s and hasnt saved a penny and has no intentions of. You see he sees money and spends it on drink. Ive lost count of how many nights i have sat in alone while he enjoys his social life. Its came apart of our relationship now that he basically enjoys himself and doesnt invite me. For example we had tickets for a game and i over heard him saying if we cant get a babysitter she can stay behind. This annoyed me because i never get out or enjoy myself. I feel trapped.
In a heat argument he turned around to me and said ( in front of people) " i cant even see us making past the 5 year marriage"

Often our arguments can be nasty, name calling the odd physical slap or two.
He once mocked my breasts in front of people while drunk... " how they hang to the side" i am a thin woman however once i feel pregnant they grew from an A cup to a DD. He knows I was extremely hurt by this comment as I'm very sensitive about them.. yet he still hasn't apologised.

To be honest i feel like I'm a nanny who minds his kid until he feels like spending quality time with him.I have gave him countless chances and i am on my last nerve. Im sick of missing out and living my life just because i have a child.
My question is... from that story cut down,
Do you think i should walk away for my childs sake or what.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 01/09/2017 11:18

If this is genuine then of course you shouldn't marry him. You shouldn't live with him or be with him in any form.

I really can't believe you would be with someone like that. Just why????

YorkshireTree · 01/09/2017 12:02

This is so shit it almost sounds made up. Why would anyone stay with this man? Your self-esteem must be in the cellar, never mind on the floor. Be kind to yourself and GO.

hatsoncats · 01/09/2017 13:20

If you DON'T leave him, he will turn on your son as he grows older.

He mocks the changes in your body caused by pregnancy, he changed when your son was born( perfect for the first 4 years until are son came along), he uses your son to keep you under control (Any time I go to go out with the girls he ... makes up lies that the child is sick) he lies and "swears on his son's life" & he will eventually believe his son is an inconvenience (if we can't get a babysitter she can stay behind).

Is this the life you & your child deserve?
Do you want him to abuse your son the way he abuses you?

Get those ducks in a row, make your plans quietly and calmly, and get the Hell out while you can. Take as much paperwork with you as possible to claim child support. If he gets aggressive, get the police out & tell them about the previous violence and abuse you have suffered. Chances are he will be told to stay away, and you will be OK to stay where you are. Make sure your finances are separate and do not accept any of his debts as yours.

Get rid. Get free.

Devers17 · 02/09/2017 07:16

No this is not made up, first of all why the fudge would i spend my evening writing out a list of lies? Trust me i joined this only for help and advise not to play stupid mind games so if you have nothing nice to say im sorry but please dont say anything... unfortunately this is my life.
Its hard, because at the start he was this kind loving gentleman who would do anything for me and i fell head over heels for him. Then his mask worn off and the drinking began i found out i was pregnant which was a huge shock..
yes, the mocking of my body happened after i had my son.
And I agreed to marry him because i was in love. I was engaged before i fell pregnant and i thought that this was what we needed that the anger and drinking was all stress with the newborn.

Im currently trying to gather up my papers and leave when ever i have enough money and find somewhere to go.

Thank you

OP posts:
amaliaa · 02/09/2017 07:25

Good luck Devers Flowers

Of course he was kind and loving at the start. You never would've got together with him otherwise. It's part of the abusers script, unfortunately.

You know what you need to do.

Devers17 · 02/09/2017 07:26

Im currently saving my own money. Last time i tried to leave i made a savings account i had well over £2000 in a few months without him noticing until he opened my bills and called me selfish as he was struggling to pay off his car debt. I live in his home town which makes it harder for him to kick him out of our house. Even tho everything is in my name ( due to him having debt problems) his mother lives a few yards away...

Im currently saving and have told close friends and family that the wedding is off. But not him... yet. Im waiting to save up enough money, and leave my child in a safe place when i tell him.

OP posts:
Heyx · 02/09/2017 07:29

I think some posters might have thought his behaviour is unbelievably appalling and shocking rather than you are lying. It really is bad. Even if you just take one element eg the drinking and how that would affect your finances and your dd's home life or just take the debt issue and consider how you will ever get a mortgage to provide a stable home for your family, any one thing you have posted would be enough to say this is an unhealthy relationship, don't marry him.

thegirlupnorth · 02/09/2017 07:32

Yes absolutely.

Gunpowder · 02/09/2017 07:45

Keep going Devers. You can do this. I'm so glad you've realised how horrible he is.

Rainybo · 02/09/2017 07:58

You can do this - do you trust your mum? Could she keep your savings in an account in her name for you so it is safe?

lollipop7 · 02/09/2017 08:04

Glad you're leaving him, and not going ahead with the wedding. It's the only thing to do.

Just be warned that the lies and venom and self pity are monstrous. You need to develop ways to manage the temptation to explain, to rage at him or to want to make him understand. He never will do or be any of those things because he's got a personality disorder.

Just know for yourself why you're doing it and once you've gone stick to your guns quietly. It will make him worse - take it from me - but you will prevail if you are as emotionally uninvolved as possible 💐💐

PickAChew · 02/09/2017 08:05

He's awful. Glad you've seen the light. It'll be hard to step off that particular conveyor belt but much less hard than years and years of further abuse by this bastard.

If you get chance, contact women's aid for assistance and advice.

Want2beme · 02/09/2017 08:15

If somebody described this scenario to you, what would you think?

You'll be sentencing yourself & DC to a life of more misery if you stay. You deserve a good life. Go and get it. Don't allow this person, (he's not a man), to destroy you just so that he can exist.

GreenTulips · 02/09/2017 08:21

Move any savings to online banking you can switch off the paper statements -

Do you rent?

Why tell him face to face? Wait till he's off drinking you'll have a few hours - invite 'the girls' over with a few cars in tow. Load the cars and leave.

Text him the date he needs to be moved out by/rent paid up til

Try and get any money back from deposits paid (rent wedding)

Remember to take anything you could sell on -

I'm sure friends would take you in short terms till you sort out a job etc

seven201 · 02/09/2017 08:30

Well done for starting the process. You and your dc deserve so much better.

Copperbeech33 · 02/09/2017 08:31

is the house in your name?

BlackeyedSusan · 02/09/2017 12:30

the view from up here in the hills is a lot better than the view from a violent marriage. violence gets worse, not better. it will get worse after you are married as it will be harder for you to walk away. get advice about leaving as it is the most dangerous time.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 02/09/2017 12:37

If you leave remember to terminate the tenancy as you will remain responsible for the rent.

RandomMess · 02/09/2017 13:24

Woman's Aid and a refuge are an option especially the protection they can offer you whilst you get sorted.

Ensure you only have on line banking if you don't want any statements coming to the house.

Flowers
bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 02/09/2017 17:09

I am a bit concerned about you saying 'leaving my child in a safe place'. Of course nobody breaks off a relationship with a child close by but this smells of domestic abuse.

Do you own your one or are you renting?

If renting, give your notice and loom elsewhere - nearer YOUR friends and family do you have support. You don't need to immediatelt go from one place to another when a relationship ends. If it is that bad, pack your things and find someone who can put a roof over your head whilst you make arrangements for you and your little boy.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 02/09/2017 18:50

Pack your stuff, pick up your kid and get the hell away from that poor excuse of man - once you're away from his insidious, soul destroying influence your self-esteem will improve, you will realise what a total shit he is and you'll never look back.

If you were my friend or daughter wild horses wouldn't stop me from coming to get you.

Don't shackle yourself to this loser by marrying him, it will only get worse. You have to save yourself, you are precious and have a little boy to protect.

user1496587010 · 02/09/2017 19:00

It sounds like your frightened of leaving him OP. You don't owe him a face to face explanation. You don't owe him anything. Try calling the domestic abuse hotline no. (0808 2000 247) to sort your exit strategy. Stay safe.

thegirlupnorth · 05/09/2017 07:39

Just wondering how the OP is and if you've cancelled. Hope you're ok.

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