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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting married in 3 months should i cancel

98 replies

Devers17 · 01/09/2017 08:34

So, im engaged to be married to a handsome man, i have a loving son with him who is coming two and we are due to get married early December this year.

I dont know where to begin.
Everything was perfect for the first 4 years until are son came along. I noticed my partner become distant. He drank more he lied about going drinking, if he was drinking it wasnt classified as "going out" because he was at a bar not a nightclub but every night he disappeared away to the night club, stumbling in at 5:30-6am. It came to the point where he just wasnt telling me or talking to me. He came home from work most days and sat on his phone never communicating or helping a hand with the child. Any time I go to go out with the girls he texts me none stop asking when will i be home even makes up lies that the child is sick. For example i was on my best friends hen party i hadnt been out in over a year with the girls as i was pregnant. So he texted me and called me saying the child had the mumps i went into panic mode, told him to bring him to the out of hours doctor, he kept changing the subject. I texted my mum and she texted me back saying all is fine go enjoy yourself. I turn around at the bar..... and there he is. so basically he made up a lie so i would come hom and he bcause i didnt come home he had to see what i was doing. I was fuming.
Then one day i found countless messages back and forward to a girl..i confronted to him about it and even though i seen them with my own eyes he lied to me swear on my childs life he never seen them and stormed off making me feel like the guilty one. He later deleted the messages. I later found out that a girl wrote to him saying " i fell out with your girlfriend today, forgot you had two." Once i confronted this he again denied all. I think it was about here when my trust broke. I couldnt prove that he was lying about cheating but I had that gut feeling. Fast forward a year or two, and we are due to get married.
However, ive just found out he now has loads of debts and black listed which means we can not get onto the property ladder. The man is nearly into his 30s and hasnt saved a penny and has no intentions of. You see he sees money and spends it on drink. Ive lost count of how many nights i have sat in alone while he enjoys his social life. Its came apart of our relationship now that he basically enjoys himself and doesnt invite me. For example we had tickets for a game and i over heard him saying if we cant get a babysitter she can stay behind. This annoyed me because i never get out or enjoy myself. I feel trapped.
In a heat argument he turned around to me and said ( in front of people) " i cant even see us making past the 5 year marriage"

Often our arguments can be nasty, name calling the odd physical slap or two.
He once mocked my breasts in front of people while drunk... " how they hang to the side" i am a thin woman however once i feel pregnant they grew from an A cup to a DD. He knows I was extremely hurt by this comment as I'm very sensitive about them.. yet he still hasn't apologised.

To be honest i feel like I'm a nanny who minds his kid until he feels like spending quality time with him.I have gave him countless chances and i am on my last nerve. Im sick of missing out and living my life just because i have a child.
My question is... from that story cut down,
Do you think i should walk away for my childs sake or what.

OP posts:
Magpie18 · 01/09/2017 09:14

You're signing up to very hard times if you go through with the wedding. What would you advise your sister or best friend?

You probably can't detach completely as you have a child together, but think how your life will be after you marry him, when he behaves like this now.

Wishing you strength & the very best of luck.

ptumbi · 01/09/2017 09:15

Um - he's 'handsome' but he has 'slapped you'? He treats you like a nanny, (one who never even gets a day off) and he is selfish, drinks too much and hits you? He does nothing with his child - and he HIT YOU???

yeah, he's a real keeper, that one! Angry

Get out, bring your child up in a calm, respectful house.

babyboomersrock · 01/09/2017 09:15

Often our arguments can be nasty, name calling the odd physical slap or two

The violence will escalate too. Your poor children should not be growing up in this atmosphere.

ShitOrBust · 01/09/2017 09:16

Yes you should cancel the wedding and be glad you did. He's a cock - you can do better than him.

HerOtherHalf · 01/09/2017 09:16

It's hard to believe you're even asking the question. Why would you even contemplate staying with him? He is about as bad as it can get.

littlewhitething · 01/09/2017 09:17

Definitely DO NOT GO AHEAD AND MARRY THIS TWAT. I'm yelling this loud enough for you to hear me, I hope, though I generally have no patience with people 'shouting'. I can't see one good thing in this relationship except your child, so you should grab your son and run fast in the opposite direction. By marrying him, your finances (ie his debt) will be linked to his and cause you serious difficulties in the future. Not to mention all the other problems he will continue to cause you

MozzchopsThirty · 01/09/2017 09:23

Please please leave

I've just done the freedom programme and your partner is knocking up some serious warning signs
This will NOT get better
It will only get worse

spangleknickers · 01/09/2017 09:25

Sorry to be harsh, but this man does not love you...he does not love your child...he has utterly no respect for you. I also would have left the twat after the boobs comment, but in my younger, less confident years I possibly could have persuaded myself to stay. You sound very young and lacking in self-confidence, which, sadly, is possibly what attracted this abusive twunt to you in the first place. What an unpleasant, dishonest, selfish knobjockey he is. I echo Shakey about the shitting diamonds bit...but he's not is he? He will drag you into debt with him. All he cares about is himself and his hedonistic life. I am all for hedonism, but not at the expense of two other humans you are supposed to love! Please think VERY carefully!

expatinscotland · 01/09/2017 09:27

You need to leave this abusive, alcoholic, cheating wanker. And please do the Freedom Programme.

PastryOnMyMind · 01/09/2017 09:27

please please do not get married to him!!!
my lovely DM spent 20 years of her life with my father who has now passed away. he used to just "have social drinks every night at the bar" and it turned into a huge drink problem that eventually lead to three unhappy children, a broken marriage and then his death. this "man" sounds absolutely horrible and nobody deserves to be treated like that.

How your partner treats you infront of your DS is how your DS will learn to treat you/ women in adult life.

it's easy enough saying "walk away" but doing it is obviously a very different thing. but by asking this question, you're already half way there.
you don't need that shit in your life. my mum wasted the best part of 2 decades thinking she was dying from the stress of having an abusive drinker as a husband when she should have got rid long before.

the meaning of "partner" is that you're in it together. if you're the one doing everything and getting nothing back, then he's not your partner.

hope everything works out for you, Flowers

Heathen4Hire · 01/09/2017 09:31

Run to your DM, a trusted friend or ring Women's Aid.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 01/09/2017 09:32

That long Initial post contains one positive thing about your partner.
One.
He's handsome.
And that one positive thing is an attribute that he has no control over.

And the rest of the crap IS under his control, and it's still crap.

Nowhere is love mentioned.
Hell, there isn't even any respect for you.

KitKat1985 · 01/09/2017 09:33

I think you know OP that you need to call the wedding off and leave him. You wouldn't be posting here otherwise. LTB and never look back.

PoorYorick · 01/09/2017 09:34

I don't understand. Why do so many women involved with such awful irredeemable pricks require permission and approval to get rid of them?

thereallochnessmonster · 01/09/2017 09:36

Of course you should cancel! Why would you even be thinking about marrying somene like your dh? He sounds awful.

Lying
cheating
crap father
drink issues
debts
controlling

Fuck that. Run far far away.

Go to CMS so he can pay for his dc, and then get on with the rest of your life.

BannedFromNarnia · 01/09/2017 09:36

Please please please please please LTB. He's clearly a nightmare - get out as soon as you can. Start making a plan and hoarding some cash and just run.

I know it's impossible to believe when you are in a relationship like this but this is not how they are supposed to be. They are supposed to be ful of love and kindness and you (mostly!) cherish each other. You can have that for yourself and your child.

LEAVE HIM.

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2017 09:37

I'm genuinely astounded you even have to ask.

Really is this what you want for your life? And take into account its going to get worse.

I suspect your self esteem is now so low you do need to ask. You need to get out. Immediately.

CoughingForWeeks · 01/09/2017 09:37

Have my very first LTB - you and your child deserve so much better than a miserable life with this vile, abusive fucktrumpet. If he slaps you now, he'll only escalate once you have that ring on your finger and, as PP have said, his debts will then become your debts too. Please move on and be happy.

PollytheDolly · 01/09/2017 09:38

I hope you're making plans to ditch this arsehole forthwith. Like yesterday.

Name one good thing about him. (And looks don't count).

juneau · 01/09/2017 09:38

If your best friend told you the sorry tale you've recounted above OP, what advice would you give her?

Then do that.

ChilliMary · 01/09/2017 09:42

Sprint - save your self, and your child!

xotyl · 01/09/2017 09:43

You deserve more, anyone would deserve more.
Honestly would your life be any worse without him? You don't have to settle.

NancyJoan · 01/09/2017 09:46

I cannot think of any reason why you would marry him.

NancyJoan · 01/09/2017 09:47

Just read your OP scan. God, he's hateful.

NancyJoan · 01/09/2017 09:47

*again