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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting married in 3 months should i cancel

98 replies

Devers17 · 01/09/2017 08:34

So, im engaged to be married to a handsome man, i have a loving son with him who is coming two and we are due to get married early December this year.

I dont know where to begin.
Everything was perfect for the first 4 years until are son came along. I noticed my partner become distant. He drank more he lied about going drinking, if he was drinking it wasnt classified as "going out" because he was at a bar not a nightclub but every night he disappeared away to the night club, stumbling in at 5:30-6am. It came to the point where he just wasnt telling me or talking to me. He came home from work most days and sat on his phone never communicating or helping a hand with the child. Any time I go to go out with the girls he texts me none stop asking when will i be home even makes up lies that the child is sick. For example i was on my best friends hen party i hadnt been out in over a year with the girls as i was pregnant. So he texted me and called me saying the child had the mumps i went into panic mode, told him to bring him to the out of hours doctor, he kept changing the subject. I texted my mum and she texted me back saying all is fine go enjoy yourself. I turn around at the bar..... and there he is. so basically he made up a lie so i would come hom and he bcause i didnt come home he had to see what i was doing. I was fuming.
Then one day i found countless messages back and forward to a girl..i confronted to him about it and even though i seen them with my own eyes he lied to me swear on my childs life he never seen them and stormed off making me feel like the guilty one. He later deleted the messages. I later found out that a girl wrote to him saying " i fell out with your girlfriend today, forgot you had two." Once i confronted this he again denied all. I think it was about here when my trust broke. I couldnt prove that he was lying about cheating but I had that gut feeling. Fast forward a year or two, and we are due to get married.
However, ive just found out he now has loads of debts and black listed which means we can not get onto the property ladder. The man is nearly into his 30s and hasnt saved a penny and has no intentions of. You see he sees money and spends it on drink. Ive lost count of how many nights i have sat in alone while he enjoys his social life. Its came apart of our relationship now that he basically enjoys himself and doesnt invite me. For example we had tickets for a game and i over heard him saying if we cant get a babysitter she can stay behind. This annoyed me because i never get out or enjoy myself. I feel trapped.
In a heat argument he turned around to me and said ( in front of people) " i cant even see us making past the 5 year marriage"

Often our arguments can be nasty, name calling the odd physical slap or two.
He once mocked my breasts in front of people while drunk... " how they hang to the side" i am a thin woman however once i feel pregnant they grew from an A cup to a DD. He knows I was extremely hurt by this comment as I'm very sensitive about them.. yet he still hasn't apologised.

To be honest i feel like I'm a nanny who minds his kid until he feels like spending quality time with him.I have gave him countless chances and i am on my last nerve. Im sick of missing out and living my life just because i have a child.
My question is... from that story cut down,
Do you think i should walk away for my childs sake or what.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/09/2017 09:48

Don't marry him and start taking steps to end the relationship.

He's really as much use as a chocolate teapot.

Miserylovescompany2 · 01/09/2017 09:49

Don't walk - RUN - as fast as you can without a backwards glance!

Don't waste another second on this...

indulgentberries · 01/09/2017 09:49

If he mocks you and hits you then do not marry this man.

exisaknob · 01/09/2017 09:50

Run!

It will get much much worse if you stay. There won't be any happy ever after with this one despite if he promises it. Your DC will be harmed in time if you stay

You may in time have happy ever after if you set yourself free now.

CatherineCawood · 01/09/2017 09:53

Be brave and leave. Cancel the wedding and pack your bags. You won't ever regret it.

ohherewegoagain · 01/09/2017 09:58

Staying with a man who lies, cheats and humiliates you is not negotiable. Leave a soon as you can! Whatever you do, do not go ahead with the marriage!

winterwinter · 01/09/2017 09:58

Please get yourself and your child as far away from this nasty cunt as you possibly can. What kind of example is he setting for your DS??

You are gaining NOTHING from this relationship and as soon as you marry him you will become further intertwined with all of his financial problems. LTB LTB LTB good luck op Flowers

ReggaetonLente · 01/09/2017 10:02

Oh don't marry him, OP. You don't need any more ties to this waste of space.

It will be awful and difficult for a while but you will look back in 5 years' time and wonder why you didn't do it sooner. You can find a man who loves you and your child, who treats you with respect and as an equal partner.

So many women on here have done what you're considering and gone on to happy lives filled with love. You deserve that too.

Nadinexo1 · 01/09/2017 10:04

Do not marry him. you can do better. you are worth much more. he doesn't deserve you. your child deserves better and trust me you will find better.

GreenTulips · 01/09/2017 10:07

Leave - leave now

Those debts will become your debts
The lonely nights you won't ever get back
You are doing it all now so nothing will change

Start packing and just leave - don't even bother telling him - just go

GrockleBocs · 01/09/2017 10:17

Why wouldn't you cancel the wedding? I can't see a single reason to hitch yourself to him.

user1500161471 · 01/09/2017 10:17

I know this place has a reputation for all the LTB comments for any relationship situation but I fully agree here.

You deserve so much more and so much better for you and your child. You're clearly unhappy and I'm struggling to think of any negatives of you leaving him. You're in effect serving as a single mother while in a relationship. No doubt he'll try and turn this into being the fault but stay strong with it.

Gazelda · 01/09/2017 10:31

You deserve to live happily and safely. You deserve to be treated with respect, to have independence, to have goals that you can work to achieve, to have dreams about your long term future.

You can have none of these if you marry him.

Your DS will grow up seeing his mother being abused by his father. He will see this as the norm and acceptable. He will grow up seeing his father without ambition and pissing his income away. He will grow up seeing his mother shrinking and miserable.

You both deserve a better future. Please do not marry him.

Merida83 · 01/09/2017 10:36

Yes definitely leave. Well actually cancel wedding and show him the door! He brings nothing to life but hassle abuse and neglect. Why woukd you even consider marrying him now. You and your ds deserve so much more!

Branleuse · 01/09/2017 10:39

Please get away from him. Do not legally bind yourself to a loser who will make you miserable

Angelf1sh · 01/09/2017 10:39

I genuinely cannot see a reason why you would want to stay with him. He sounds horrendous, don't even finish reading the responses to your post just end it.

NannyRed · 01/09/2017 10:41

Leaving now may seem a painful thought, but if you stay with this abusive bully the future will be harder than if you cut your losses and walk away now.
I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons and I see a lot of my past in your original question.

dinnerlady1 · 01/09/2017 10:50

You deserve better, go and never look back

Loopy9 · 01/09/2017 10:56

I'd leave him too, he sounds awful and you deserve better.

BackInTheRoom · 01/09/2017 10:58

OP, have a look at these Abuser profiles. Is your DP 'The Player'?

m.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-cummings/abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/480862655302912/

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/09/2017 11:02

Good God. He sounds appalling! I couldn't even read to the end of your original post before replying. Get the hell out as fast as you can.

Seriously. Can your family help? Can you stay with friends? Are you financially independent?

DO NOT MARRY HIM! You deserve so much better.

Picklesandpies · 01/09/2017 11:02

Run for the hills. That's appalling behaviour. Plan carefully, get support and then leave. Seriously - this man does not deserve you.

CardinalCat · 01/09/2017 11:05

I've never read such an awful list of 'qualities' of a DP on here.

Physically abusive (the odd slap) Hmm
verbally abusive
financially abusive
Irresponsible
Liar
Jealous/ controlling
alcoholic
cheater/ player
and HE has the cheek to suggest your marriage might not last 5 years.

Do not marry this man.
Do you own your home together?

SalamiSandwich · 01/09/2017 11:05

Of course you should cancel! Run for the hills and don't look back.

meowimacat · 01/09/2017 11:17

You would be INSANE to stay with him.

You've clearly finally seen the light or you wouldn't be posting here, so well done.

GET OUT NOW! You deserve way better and you know it. Your standards are too high for this.

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