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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stonewalling doesn't work on me anymore.

83 replies

CostaBomba · 30/08/2017 12:12

DH has been stonewalling me since Monday following a petty argument.

It used to upset me very much. We lived very rurally and I would essentially be trapped by his behaviour.

We have moved now, though, and my life is naturally busier. So while he's been sulking in the bedroom (he didn't even come out for dinner last night), I've merely been getting on with life - I actually have a ton of work deadlines so it's almost been quite nice just getting on with them Blush

My question is, that on Monday, I tried to get him to engage a few times and he responded rudely. So since yesterday I haven't been speaking to him either and quite frankly I feel I could keep this up as long as he does. I truly don't care, and in fact I'm determined not to be the one to speak first!

I just wondered if anyone else had felt like this and what the outcome was?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2017 12:37

Honestly, I can't understand why you're still married to this man-child. His behaviour is absolutely fucking ridiculous. Run for the hills.

Mrscropley · 30/08/2017 12:39

Ah I remember being married to a man - child. Telling him to move out was the best thing I ever did. .

ButterkistBetty · 30/08/2017 12:48

Monday to Wednesday sulking in the bedroom? Yep, buy him a cot and put him in the nursery.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 30/08/2017 12:50

Im sorry but when it stops to hurt, I think you start to stop loving.

Happened with my STBEXH. When I didn't give a shit, and started to welcome the peace and quiet I knew it was over.

Hermonie2016 · 30/08/2017 13:44

I also think your lack of caring suggests you are checking out.It can be a fast decline.

Do you have children?

Original poster
CostaBomba · 30/08/2017 13:46

Ah this is sad to read.

No children.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2017 13:50

Why are you together at all now?. What do you get out of this relationship?.

Thank goodness there are no children here to see this from you both. Two wrongs do not make a right.

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2017 13:50

Apart from the child sulking because you had an argument.

Life is just too short for this shit

Valderal · 30/08/2017 13:52

Your relationship has run its course I'm afraid

Original poster
CostaBomba · 30/08/2017 13:54

@AttilaTheMeerkat Funny you should ask this in a way because on Monday evening I was asking myself exactly what he brings to the table and I couldn't answer. I'm the higher earner, my job and finances are secure, my name is on the rent, I'm capable, I have a car, I have friends and a good social life, I felt like a right bitch thinking it but I couldn't really come up with anything he adds. He has a long list of excuses for why we don't have sex. He doesn't really compliment me, he's not physically or emotionally affectionate.

So that's why I thought, well ok, if you want to stonewall me then I just don't care anymore.

Shit, though. Seeing it in black and white like this is quite sad.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2017 13:55

Whatever you do, do NOT have children with a man like this. Honestly, your life could be so much happier. Why waste your life with such an immature, useless man?

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2017 13:55

Seems he brings nothing to the party

Maybe think about extending the silence permanently by breaking up

Original poster
CostaBomba · 30/08/2017 13:57

On the flip side:

We have the same ideals in terms of life goals, politics etc. He is intelligent and works hard. He has supported me with my career. He can be good company (when he's not sulking) and has a good sense of humour (when he's not sulking!).

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2017 13:58

And that is precisely why I asked you that question.
Well done for thinking about this by the way.

If this is how your relationship now is perhaps its about time that you both separated. This tit for tat stuff is no good for you either to put up with. The end of any relationship is sad because you have history together but its still no reason to stay within it.

If someone else was writing this what would your counsel be?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2017 14:01

costa

re your comment:-
"On the flip side:

We have the same ideals in terms of life goals, politics etc. He is intelligent and works hard. He has supported me with my career. He can be good company (when he's not sulking) and has a good sense of humour (when he's not sulking!)".

You do realise that sulking is never about silence but disapproval of your behaviour and is also yet another form of emotional abuse. How often is he really good company to you particularly these days?. Also the first part of your message does not show him meeting any of your emotional needs within this relationship.

curcur · 30/08/2017 14:16

My Dad did this to my mum and children when he deemed that we had wronged him. He didn't talk to me for 2 years when I was 15 and our relationship has never recovered. My brother now does it to his wife and one step child. Run....it's such destructive behaviour. There are much better ways to deal with disagreements.

1988alexandra · 30/08/2017 14:34

my husband always goes stonewalling after a fight..and i have to go and apologize every time just to move on and stop being mad..i am fed up too :(

SandysMam · 30/08/2017 14:40

Eughhhh!! My ex used to do this, I would wake up in the morning and he would have decided he wasn't talking to me that day. It was hell and I pandered to it "what have I done, please tell me" suck suck suck. The new me (minus him) would tell him to go fuck himself if I was back in this situation. Don't stand for it OP, it's not kind and a relationship without kindness is no relationship at all IMO.

Skippingabeat · 30/08/2017 14:42

Another advice to "run" here. My ex was like this in the few early years of our marriage. I worked, but not in the vending and the silence at home was soul-destroying (I had followed him to another country and didn't have any family or friends). He also withheld sex in those periods.

He only stopped when we had our first child and I was genuinely not bothered by his sulking anymore.

Sulking isn't a childish behavior. It's a controlling emotionally abusive behavior. And once it stops (when it doesn't have the intended effect on you anymore), other behaviors will start.

The not being affectionate is also a red flag and a way for him to always be in control

The fact that he supports your career, do you think it's because he wants you to be successful? Or because he wants "his" partner to be successful because that would reflect favorably on him? And does he want you to be financially independent? Or does he just not want to be financially responsible for you?.

Skippingabeat · 30/08/2017 14:43

*evening not vending!

MessyBun247 · 30/08/2017 14:49

You have seen the light! Now that you can see the way things really are and that you are better off without him, you are within touching distance of freedom and a happy life. Good luck!

OrlandaFuriosa · 30/08/2017 14:54

Cast your mind forward. Do you want to be saying this in 30 years time?

What advice would you give to your sister, bf, daughter?

oldlaundbooth · 30/08/2017 14:54

Lord above op fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Sounds too much like hard work.

Secretsout · 30/08/2017 14:55

I am in the process of divorcing my STBXH. We've been married over 20 years and he regularly treated me like this as well as other forms of EA when I failed to pander to him. Divorcing him has been hell as his controlling narcissistic behaviour has escalated beyond anything I can describe.

Run for the hills.

I also second what skipping cited in her last 3 paragraphs (sorry dont know how to copy them)

user1487689176 · 30/08/2017 14:59

fucking hell. what on earth are you getting out of this relationship? if it's your name on the property pack him a bag and send him off to be rude and silent at his mum's!

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