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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stonewalling doesn't work on me anymore.

83 replies

CostaBomba · 30/08/2017 12:12

DH has been stonewalling me since Monday following a petty argument.

It used to upset me very much. We lived very rurally and I would essentially be trapped by his behaviour.

We have moved now, though, and my life is naturally busier. So while he's been sulking in the bedroom (he didn't even come out for dinner last night), I've merely been getting on with life - I actually have a ton of work deadlines so it's almost been quite nice just getting on with them Blush

My question is, that on Monday, I tried to get him to engage a few times and he responded rudely. So since yesterday I haven't been speaking to him either and quite frankly I feel I could keep this up as long as he does. I truly don't care, and in fact I'm determined not to be the one to speak first!

I just wondered if anyone else had felt like this and what the outcome was?

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 31/08/2017 00:33

It's perfectly understandable that if you have an argument you clear off to separate rooms for an hour or two to calm down and have a think. If he's ignoring you for days or weeks that's coercive and controlling behaviour that you don't need to acknowledge or tolerate.This is about power. You cannot change this behaviour. It will keep happening. You can only decide how you respond to it, and whether you will put up with it. If he hasn't spoken to you by Friday, clear off to a friend or family for the weekend and think about what you really want.

Harvestmoonsobig · 31/08/2017 00:53

Trouble with a stonewaller is that the only direction you can direct your frustrations is within yourself and that's poison.

sooperdooper · 31/08/2017 07:45

OP it sounds like your life could only be improved by him not being in it, reread your earlier post about what he doesn't bring to your life

Don't wait for him to crack & talk, just tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, you don't want to live like this anymore & tell him to leave - even if it's temporary for now wouldn't some time to think about your future without his sulking hanging over you be good?

LaughingElliot · 31/08/2017 07:50

My FIL refused to speak to his wife for 10years. Then he died. Can you imagine the damage to the kids 😔

Jux · 31/08/2017 11:31

DH used to do this. I was astonished that a grown up intelligent person could behave so childishly. I didn't stop speaking to him, I told him very clearly that he was being a twat (while he tried to pretend he couldn't hear and I wasn't there) and that it would be making no difference to my behaviour whether he chose to continue behaving like a 2yo or an adult.

So I would ask him if he'd like a cuppa when I was making one, make conversation when we were in the same room etc.

He couldn't keep it up. He cracked after 3 days, grunted 'thanks' when I put a cuppa down by him, and then was normal.

Until the next time.
And the next.

PollytheDolly · 31/08/2017 12:30

My FIL refused to speak to his wife for 10years. Then he died. Can you imagine the damage to the kids 😔

I can't even comprehend the amount of effort your FIL must have put into that. My god Sad

Original poster
CostaBomba · 31/08/2017 12:51

@Jux, what happened after? Is he an ex-DH now? Did you ever discuss it afterwards and did he ever acknowledge how ridiculous he was being?

All the questions, sorry! Smile

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 31/08/2017 12:57

Have you stopped making him cuppas or food etc?
I figured that if my ex would t bother to talk to me then I'd be buggered if I'd do anything for me. It used to amuse me greatly (in the end) to see him huffing and having to make his own tea, wash his clothes etc

Dejatrue1 · 31/08/2017 13:00

It's just vile controlling behaviour. Like pp's have said, it's kind of "funny/weird/ok" sometimes especially if you're a cheery pragmatic type, but it's indicative of something more disturbed and sadistic underneath - they WANT you unbalanced and begging and upset. Throw this liability away,

shinyredbookcase · 31/08/2017 13:18

My DH does this. He will sulk, sleep on the sofa, and only grunt at me if I speak to him in front of the kids. Sometimes he'll combine that with sarcastic, catty remarks that are designed to make me lose my temper or get upset - then he can blame his behaviour on my emotional reaction. It used to drive me crazy, make me cry, make me livid - and generally get very emotional.

He's been doing it about a week now - I THINK it's because I asked if we could talk about sex (he never wants to have sex, comes up with various excuses, none of which really ring true, and I wanted to talk calmly about it and get to the bottom of things). He won't say it's about sex, he'll say it's because I put the recycling out or something. He's training me, or trying to train me, to behave myself - to not ask him for anything.

I'm posting here because this week is one of the first weeks where I have genuinely not minded that he's reacting this way. I feel contempt for him, when I feel anything, but mainly I feel nothing. I don't feel punished. I've carried on being polite to him, but just generally doing my own thing and living my own life. We have children. I sit at the table with the two of them and have a laugh (genuinely enjoying their company) while he sits in the other room with his headphones on.

I'm going to get him out. We have a joint mortgage but he's a student and I have always been the breadwinner. I could afford the mortgage on my own, but not if I had to immediately pay him half the equity, I don't think. I'm going to look into that this week.

memove · 31/08/2017 13:26

Wow @shinyredbookcase you sound so ready. Good luck!

I have a friend who's husband does this. It's horrible. She's changed so much trying never to upset him.

shinyredbookcase · 31/08/2017 13:30

thank you. I sat and thought, for a long time, about what he actually brought to the table. I've always been the breadwinner - he was a SAHD for a while (and very good at this). He doesn't like having sex with me, doesn't have any friends of his own and isn't interested in meeting with or socialising with mine. He isn't interested in my career, and doesn't have much of an interest in one of his own. He doesn't want me - but I'm not upset about that any more because it isn't me - it's him - he doesn't really want anything. He can sit in front of the telly in a sulky silence for as long as he likes, and very soon I will no longer have to financially support him while he does it.

SandysMam · 01/09/2017 09:00

Woo hoo!! Great update OP, just get it done, don't let him waste anymore of your time!

Deathraystare · 01/09/2017 09:52

he didn't even come out for dinner last night

Great! You can just cook for you then and wash your own clothes, not his. And all the while gear up to a divorce as he is unlikely to change and will probably get worse with age.

Original poster
CostaBomba · 01/09/2017 10:10

Still 🤐

We have a family event to go to this weekend so I am quite intrigued how that's going to work!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/09/2017 10:46

Your family or his? It's an invite not a summons...

meowimacat · 01/09/2017 10:55

How childish but my ex used to be like this after an argument, he was emotionally abusive and I had no idea it was a form of control. His mum would do it to him so I guess he copied it with me.

I think the moment you don't care any more is a big sign that the relationship is close to over. The moment I didn't care any more was when I just ignored OH's insults and stupid behaviour and carried on with my life. I then left him a little while later. You shouldn't be pandering to his pathetic behaviour. Keep up the silence, and once he does eventually crack you either need to nip it in the bud with him or seriously consider being with someone who actually makes you happy.

ravenmum · 01/09/2017 11:10

If it's your family, make your own arrangements to go and tell him you assume he won't be coming. If it's his, make your own arrangements to go somewhere else. Why would you want to spend any time with him deliberately making your life unpleasant?

SpringTown46 · 01/09/2017 11:26

The moment you don't care anymore is the big eye-opener. It means you aren't in love with that person. That might be because they have destroyed that love by their behaviour. But, the love doesn't come back. The relationship is not viable any longer.

WTAAF · 01/09/2017 20:29

I think I do this. Mainly related to PMT I think. I'm going to see the GP this month while I still have a relationship left.

I'm just posting to say, where previous posters say it's an attention seeking behaviour, looking to be chased and pleaded with - it's absolutely the opposite for me. I just genuinely want to be left completely alone and given space. If I'm chased it just makes me retreat for longer. I really don't want attention and I don't 'think' I'm sulking. It's more like whatever the issue is has completely overwhelmed me and I've got to disconnect, recalibrate and work everything through in my mind and then get back on track.

PoorYorick · 01/09/2017 20:43

Happened with my STBEXH. When I didn't give a shit, and started to welcome the peace and quiet I knew it was over.

Of course. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

PoorYorick · 01/09/2017 20:52

Write him a letter - addressing the sulking directly and clearly. Don't be angry, just use lots of "I feel that....."

Please God, don't do this.

Thebluedog · 02/09/2017 09:56

Make your own arrangements for the family event including your dc, and just go when it's time to leave. leave him out of any plans. If anyone asks why he's not there, be honest, simply say he's not spoken to you for a number of days and you have no idea if he's coming to the event or not. He'll soon get embarrassed if people know he's doing it. I did this to my ex for mce and he did go ballistic, but when I said I was only telling the truth he didn't really have anything else to say, otherwise he'd be asking me to lie

rizlett · 02/09/2017 10:11

Any communication yet op?

I think you are doing fantastic at just keeping quiet yourself and leaving him to resolve the stupid situation he's got himself into.

Dollypartonsbra · 02/09/2017 14:45

If it's your family agree with pp and just go yourself. If his can you miss it if you're not that keen on going?
Either way travel both ways and spend the time alone.
What an arsehole