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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stonewalling doesn't work on me anymore.

83 replies

CostaBomba · 30/08/2017 12:12

DH has been stonewalling me since Monday following a petty argument.

It used to upset me very much. We lived very rurally and I would essentially be trapped by his behaviour.

We have moved now, though, and my life is naturally busier. So while he's been sulking in the bedroom (he didn't even come out for dinner last night), I've merely been getting on with life - I actually have a ton of work deadlines so it's almost been quite nice just getting on with them Blush

My question is, that on Monday, I tried to get him to engage a few times and he responded rudely. So since yesterday I haven't been speaking to him either and quite frankly I feel I could keep this up as long as he does. I truly don't care, and in fact I'm determined not to be the one to speak first!

I just wondered if anyone else had felt like this and what the outcome was?

OP posts:
TheABC · 30/08/2017 15:06

Thank gods you have no kids. It also sounds you would be better off without him - have my first ever LTB.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 30/08/2017 15:06

Run. He won't change, believe me.

My ex was a stonewaller. He'd lock himself in the bedroom, hide under the covers and pretend to be asleep to get out of conversations. Or he'd sit on his Xbox all day, stick his headset on and chat away to his mates and act like I wasn't there. Pathetic man-child that he was.

My new relationship makes such a refreshing change. Of course we bicker occasionally but we always talk it out and neither of us storms out, sulks or locks themselves into the bedroom!

It won't get better - please leave before you have children and are tied to him for the rest of your life.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 30/08/2017 15:07

he didn't even come out for dinner last night

Pardon ?

For me, that would be pretty much a deal breaker. Pure arrogance on his part.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2017 15:37

And you put up with this, why?
I'd tell him today that this isn't working.
You don't want to live like this and that he needs to move out.
Give him a week to pack and get out.
I bet he soon bucks his ideas up when he hears that.
His little meal ticket turning on him.
He won't change though.
Raise your bar. Kick him out and find someone who isn't a manchild.
There are plenty out there.

Original poster
CostaBomba · 30/08/2017 16:21

I feel sick Sad

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 30/08/2017 16:29

Stonewalling is abuse. Been there, endured that.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/08/2017 16:57

Use that sickening sense of realisation to make a change.

As so many PPs have said, stonewalling is an abusive control tactic and those who use it will never change. All you can do is suddenly realise you don't give a shit - as you now have - which is the only way to stop being controlled from manipulated by them. But it also means the end of the relationship. Which is a good thing. It may feel alarming and scary now but it is a good thing.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 30/08/2017 17:06

It's abusive OP. It will be upsetting but feeling sick for a while is MILES better than being stuck in a relationship with an abusive sulker.

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2017 17:09

It sounds absolutely bloody awful - a really unhealthy way to live.

SpringTown46 · 30/08/2017 17:59

What is he bringing to the table (relationship, shared lifestyle goals, interests, mutual comfort and support)..?

eyeoresancerre · 30/08/2017 18:00

Costabomba it will be tough breaking up with him as you will feel like you're giving up or will have wasted years with him. But don't waste anymore years. Can you see yourself in the same position in 2 weeks, 2 years or even a decade down the line. It sounds exhausting. You seem pretty swept up with your life. Have a partner that enhances and compliments your life.

Stella08 · 30/08/2017 18:08

My STBXH used to do this. He would go a solid week without speaking a word. I was isolated, financially dependent on him, couldn't drive and 2 toddlers. I used to be on my knees begging him to speak to me. This went on every six or so months for about 8 years.
I got the idea that if I wasn't good enough to speak to he wouldn't want want me cooking his meals, washing his clothes etc. The stonewalling slowly but surely stopped when he realised it was no longer affective. He then started on financial abuse and other methods of emotional and mental abuse.

The PP is correct that when it no longer bothers you, that's when it's over.

I left 2 years ago and about to receive my long awaited divorce!!

It's abuse and IMO he'll just find other avenues to abuse you.

Thebluedog · 30/08/2017 18:14

My ex us e to do this, he'd refuse to talk to me for 2 weeks at a time. I eventually stopped caring, and it no longer bothered me, I'd simply enjoy the peace and get on with my life. Once he realised that his stonewalling wasn't effective any longer he moved into financial and other methods of emotional abuse. Took me 19 years but o divorced him and can honestly say I don't know why I didn't do it sooner - I'm soooo much happier now and, believe it or not, I actually talk through my issues with my DP Grin shocker

rosabug · 30/08/2017 18:19

Write him a letter - addressing the sulking directly and clearly. Don't be angry, just use lots of "I feel that....." . Tell him how serious it is. Make it his chance to address the issue.

ScarletForYa · 30/08/2017 18:20

Fuck that.

Life's short OP. I had an ex like this. They don't change. I regret all the time I wasted back then.

Thankfully I dumped him and happiness ensued.

fc301 · 30/08/2017 18:21

You could tell him that his behaviour is destroying your love for him. Give him a chance to change.
Slightly more constructive. But tempting to tell him to grow up & start respecting you or ship out.

xqwertyx · 30/08/2017 19:39

Two times I felt this way (stopped caring about things that used to bother me) and I have to agree it turned out I had 'checked out' on both occasions, only I didn't realise until I had left both relationships how unhappy I had become and that i just wasnt emotionally invested anymore, hence the lack of interest.

xqwertyx · 30/08/2017 19:44

You do still seem to be in love with him though, pointing out the things you like about him and his good points.

Maybe it really is just the stonewalling that is driving you away, especially if it is a regular thing and if it is causing resentment.

I second speaking to him directly about the stonewalling and trying to address that issue first off and seeing if that makes a change to how you're feeling (assuming he stops the sulking!)

xqwertyx · 30/08/2017 19:46

'To be in love with him' where did that cheese come fromGrinBlush

Original poster
CostaBomba · 30/08/2017 22:03

He's still not talking.

We are sitting side by side... me typing away and him watching TV on his laptop through his earphones!

OP posts:
Original poster
CostaBomba · 30/08/2017 22:05

My feelings have been veering all over the place since Monday.

Right now I'm feeling tired yet faintly amused by this and feel like opening a book on how long he'll take to crack.

Yesterday I was crying in the car to Pink's divorce album...

Confused
OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 30/08/2017 22:13

I'd give him his marching orders. This is no way to live op.

marriednotdead · 30/08/2017 22:20

I was married to a stonewaller. Past tense. Such a waste of mental energy. You're seeing who he really is and are struggling to find any redeeming features.
If you were single and someone gave you a description of him and his behaviour would you say 'ooh yes, he sounds lovely!' Of course not.

Can you imagine him still doing this 10 years from now? Hopefully if he is, you won't be there to see it.

RedastheRose · 30/08/2017 22:47

As lots of pp's have said they don't get any better. This is all about control and it gets worse, you make more and more allowances for them then eventually find that you are just a doormat that they are walking all over. These men (and women) will go from one form of abuse to another as your relationship progresses. At the moment you are the financially secure one, can you imagine what he would be like if you stayed together and had children or you became dependent upon him!!

Read up about the red flags for emotional abuse. I bet your 'D' H ticks a fair few boxes.

Don't waste your life on him. There are way too many women on here like me who didn't have a MN to ask for advice and having been slowly distanced from friends and family had no one to tell them that it wasn't them it was him all along.

Ohyesiam · 30/08/2017 23:14

This us very sad to read op.
Life is finite, and really precious. Please make the changed you need to.