Partner and porn - am I wrong to dislike this?

[Pandoraphile]

Namechanged for this as I have another thread running and really don't want to be outed.

Firstly - I know this topic has been done to death. This isn't about the rights and wrongs of watching porn. It's a question about his choice of porn.

I've never really minded past partners watching porn. This feels different and I've never understood why. He's been fairly secretive about it from the start (works away a lot). I felt uncomfortable about him watching it rather than, say, talking to me. I asked him to try and include me in masturbation while he's away. He did and I too opened up and shared. Then I discover that while I'd been open, he had kept his porn watching from me, despite my explanation and his assurances that he would tell me (I felt that I needed that emotional bond).

We had this argument literally every time he was away. He KNEW I didn't like it but ignored my request. This wasn't about me demanding to know every time he came, it was to be generally included in the stuff he was watching.

Fast forward to now and I'm still uncomfortable. He will tell me about videos we've made together but will only say about porn if I ask him directly.

I think I know what bothers me - he doesn't just watch random videos, he looks for the same people. Like, he'll follow a "series" (although what the fuck that is I have no idea).

So in conclusion, he still doesn't share unless I ask, despite this having caused serious arguments in the past. I'm uncomfortable about what he watches and why. Another thing to add is that he finds it difficult to come during penetrative sex. Sometimes he does but he often needs my hand or his to finish. Obviously this makes me feel like crap. And I'm so bound up in all of this, and have been for months, I've managed to lose any sense of perspective.

I'd be grateful for any advice - even if it's that I'm being a complete overreacting freak!

TIA

I forgot an important bit - when I share and he doesn't it makes me feel so humiliated. Like, recently I told him that I had masturbated and went into detail, and he said oh yes, that's hot, but he didn't say anything more. I later find out that he wasn't that horny because he'd already watched two porn videos that day. I felt like such an idiot.

He STILL doesn't tell me what he's watched unless I ask, despite this being an ongoing issue for months.

Tbh I hate porn - I think it's demeaning to women and it can definitely affect the way men view women (in a very negative way).

However, if you say you don't mind him watching it, I'm not totally sure that you have the right to insist on being included, iyswim.

The not being able to come is due to excessive wanking. Nice.

Ok, just read your update. This is all about him, isn't it? He doesn't really give a shit about your needs.

Oh, and don' ever do anything that makes you feel humiliated.

I find it odd that you need to know what he's watching and when he's watching it?

I think you are over involved? I mean he's working away - surely he doesn't need to call you and tell you what title he's watching etc? I think you are being very over bearing and I question your right to be so demanding in regards to his masturbation habits!

Google 'death grip'

It's not uncommon for guys to have a favourite pornstar. Two of the younger guys I play rugby with have had longer relationships with their favourite porn stars than with real women irl. But if it continues to upsets you and he can't let it go it might become a relationship killer. I recommend having a very strong word about it even the conversation feels awkward or OTT.

How sad is that, NewDaddie?!!!

Not your problem, obviously, but.... bleugh!

I think your expectations on certain levels are very confusing. You say you don't mind porn, but for some reason him following a "series" bothers you. Isn't it the same thing as liking certain actresses or actors in regular movies? And then you seem to be constantly hounding him about what he's doing in private, by himself. That seems way too over the top and controlling to me. Given the fact he doesn't like to talk about it he probably feels the same way.

Cambionome it is more than a bit bleugh but when we tease them about it we get called grandpa etc. I don't think it's strictly about age though (those teammates are in their mid 20's and I'm 34) but we have noticed there's a bit of a divide between people who stopped dating pre-tinder

No wonder young women are coming on these boards because their partners have no idea how to manage a mutually respectful grown up relationship, NewDaddie.

I think the problem is not particularly what he watches porn wise as you said you've not had an issue with previous partners watching it. The problem here is that fact that for whatever reason the way he watches/hides it etc makes you feel like you need to compete with the porn for his sexual affections. This is obviously terrible for to self esteem and I'd be upset if I was made to feel like this too.

OP you sound very, very controlling.
If my partner had insisted on knowing about every time I came playing by myself, and how I got there - port, toys, etc. - I'd be out of there in a flash. Or - if I couldn't - I'd keep it to myself.
This is hugely intrusive, needy, insecure and not respectfull of your partner.
Your issues with porn are yours. And are in your head. It's unfair to put it on your partner and then complain about him.

How he comes - with penetration or not - I can't comment on. But - taking it as anything affecting your self esteem - again - just shows your own insecurities.
Plenty of women can't come with penetration - and need clitorial stimulation. So - by your logic - male partners of these women should feel inadequate???
Why double standard for men, then?

OP - if I were you, I'd stop looking for issues where there are none. Focus on self esteem and own happiness, coming from within.

I specifically said that I'm not asking to know each and every time - I'm asking to be included GENERALLY.

I don't think I am controlling - I don't dictate what or when he watches. For the most part I don't even say anything. He's obviously choosing what to do, as is his perfect right, I just quietly get a little upset when he doesn't share like I do and he knows it matters to me.

Relationship with a porn star?! I have never heard of that!

OP - you asked for advice and a reaction. And - to most people your post does read as controlling. No other way of looking at it.
Unless you realise that and deal with your insecurities - you'll only make yourself more and more unhappy.

It's OK to want to be included, you feel how you feel.
It's not OK to keep insisting and cause 'massive arguments' when you don't get your way about something that doesn't concern you - and masturbarion while away is really, really not something most people would feel a need control and share with their partner.

The fact that he watches same people - just shows that it works for him. And it's a habit.

Really - give your partner a break. Understand that he is not you and has a right to be different. And that what you are doing - with nagging and arguments is not productive and can damage your relationship.

You are controlling. The very fact that you want to be "included" in everything is testament to that. Do you seriously expect him to have no privacy at all? If you were a man you'd be getting your arse handed to you!

It sounds like you'd do way better to work on your self esteem and it's very important that you realise that that will never be grounded in someone else's sexual preferences.

When I masturbate it's about ME. It's my time to myself, it's a time I can just think about pleasuring myself and no-one else. You asking to be included in that deeply personal moment is quite controlling. Many of us use it to de-stress, I'd find it stressful if I had rules on my masturbation.

I don't want to share every time I do it, I couldn't be with a man who expected me to either because that's so so intrusive to me.

To me it's akin to wanting to watch me have a pee whenever I need the bathroom.

Just because youre his partner does not mean you are entitled to all his sexual thoughts and acts, you don't own his sexuality.

Do you seriously expect him to have no privacy at all? If you were a man you'd be getting your arse handed to you!

Exactly. Imagine a man coming on here and telling us he won't let his wife masturbate privately without his input. Fucking hell.

I find this a bit icky and controlling. To have a partner who demands to be included or know when i masterbate and gets annoyed if I don't comply would be far too much for me. He's allowed some privacy.

Your issue isn't porn, your issue is you want to be involved when he masturbates, even when he's not with you and that's wrong in my view. He gets a say in this, it's his body.

You are controlling. Full stop. You said, "I just quietly get a little upset when he doesn't share like I do and he knows it matters to me." He doesn't share like you because he ISN'T YOU, and he has no obligation to talk about how or when he masturbates to anyone, and that includes you. This is absolutely none of your business.

When I masturbate it's about ME. It's my time to myself, it's a time I can just think about pleasuring myself and no-one else. You asking to be included in that deeply personal moment is quite controlling. Many of us use it to de-stress, I'd find it stressful if I had rules on my masturbation.

I agree.

If my wife behaved like the OP I'd be telling her to fuck right off.

Everyone is entitled to privacy, particularly when masturbating.

It's the having an argument very time he goes away about if he's has had a wank or not, because she doesn't like it if she's not involved is actually verging on sick. I can't get my head round it.

Op, do you have significant self esteem and jealousy issues and that's why you need to know?

Yeah it's very weird. I would find it extremely creepy if my partner was so interested in my having a frap.

I was going to say that this is not normal behaviour, OP can you tell us if you have trust issues or something?

Massively controlling. He'll never want to open up and talk about what he likes and does while you get so worked up you end up in an argument about it. I think what you're trying to do is get closer on an intimate, emotional level, but your method means you'll only push him further away. You're forcing something you don't have that requires total trust, hence your feelings of humiliation, and he won't relax with you enough to get closer while you fixate to this degree.

If this were my partner getting arsy about when and how i get myself off I'd tell tbem to fuck off.

I think some of the posters on here are missing an important point.

When you've been up for intimacy you've found that he has already masturbated twice that day to porn videos and so wasn't interested in you. This isn't good for your relationship or your self-esteem.

I agree that you come across as controlling, but noticing that you also feel humiliated by the whole situation I think you need to talk to him again about the part that porn is playing in both your lives.

^When you've been up for intimacy you've found that he has already masturbated twice that day to porn videos and so wasn't interested in you. This isn't good for your relationship or your self-esteem&

I would agree with you if that 'intimacy' was having sex. It wasn;t. It was OP trying to share her masturbation like she's trying to force her DP to do.

It's not that he's not interested in her, I'm pretty sure he is. But now he cant masturbate privately because he also has to be on demand for her masturbation needs too? As well as sex?