Partner and porn - am I wrong to dislike this?

[Pandoraphile]

Namechanged for this as I have another thread running and really don't want to be outed.

Firstly - I know this topic has been done to death. This isn't about the rights and wrongs of watching porn. It's a question about his choice of porn.

I've never really minded past partners watching porn. This feels different and I've never understood why. He's been fairly secretive about it from the start (works away a lot). I felt uncomfortable about him watching it rather than, say, talking to me. I asked him to try and include me in masturbation while he's away. He did and I too opened up and shared. Then I discover that while I'd been open, he had kept his porn watching from me, despite my explanation and his assurances that he would tell me (I felt that I needed that emotional bond).

We had this argument literally every time he was away. He KNEW I didn't like it but ignored my request. This wasn't about me demanding to know every time he came, it was to be generally included in the stuff he was watching.

Fast forward to now and I'm still uncomfortable. He will tell me about videos we've made together but will only say about porn if I ask him directly.

I think I know what bothers me - he doesn't just watch random videos, he looks for the same people. Like, he'll follow a "series" (although what the fuck that is I have no idea).

So in conclusion, he still doesn't share unless I ask, despite this having caused serious arguments in the past. I'm uncomfortable about what he watches and why. Another thing to add is that he finds it difficult to come during penetrative sex. Sometimes he does but he often needs my hand or his to finish. Obviously this makes me feel like crap. And I'm so bound up in all of this, and have been for months, I've managed to lose any sense of perspective.

I'd be grateful for any advice - even if it's that I'm being a complete overreacting freak!

TIA

Oops quote fail

Basically it sounds like she's monopolising his sexuality.

He can't masturbate on his own, he has to 'share' it. If he's sharing it its not exactly masturbation anymore, it's a joint sex act.

Then even if he does manage to have it on his own, he also needs to take care of her masturbation needs because OP doesn't seem to be able to disentangle the two, as well as having an active sex life - and if he can't OP gets upset? When does this man get to just concentrate on his own sexual needs?

When you've been up for intimacy you've found that he has already masturbated twice that day to porn videos and so wasn't interested in you. This isn't good for your relationship or your self-esteem

I don't agree with you and I doubt that many others will that if one person is up for intimacy the other should be too or he should "save himselsdf for her" so he can masterbate at her biding when he's away. It amounts to the same thing as she's saying.

She was clearly trying to lead him by describing her own activities and he wasn't in the mood. Whether he had masturbated previously or not is irrelevant. No means no, whatever gender you are and one person should not be forced because that's what the other wishes.

I don't think anyone should be forced into intimacy at all, but do you think it's a healthy relationship when one partner masturbates so often that he isn't sexually interested in his partner? How is that a mutually fulfilling relationship?

(I have read this situation -with the two porn videos - as the op wanting sex when she was with him. If we are still talking about masturbating when apart then that's different).

Still don't agree to get involved in anything that makes you feel humiliated, op.

You know something isn't right I recommend your dh watches this ted talk by Gary Wilson about the problems porn can cause men, sounds like he has them.
m.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
Synopsis here
singjupost.com/gary-wilson-discusses-great-porn-experiment-transcript/

but do you think it's a healthy relationship when one partner masturbates so often that he isn't sexually interested in his partner?

You've ignored my posts then I see.

There's nothing here to suggest he isn't sexually interested in her.

What he didnt want to do was get involved with this 'shared masturbation' concept she is trying to force upon them both. Notice he did not deny her sex. He just didn't want to join in with her 'shared masturbation'.

So not only must be up for sex, but must also be on hand to help her with her masturbation too?

And to be honest, I wouldn't even want to discuss masturbation at all if I was him, my partners or my own. It's been made into a massive issue that has to be discussed and analysed instead of a completely natural solo act.

Titanz watch the video above and tell me that porn use, to the extent ops partner is using it doesn't cause any issues.

I don't think anyone should be forced into intimacy at all, but do you think it's a healthy relationship when one partner masturbates so often that he isn't sexually interested in his partner

I really don't think that's what she posted in any way shape nor form.

What he didnt want to do was get involved with this 'shared masturbation' concept she is trying to force upon them both. Notice he did not deny her sex. He just didn't want to join in with her 'shared masturbation'.

This. She has already said she has no problem with porn, She wants to be involved when he masturbates. And she causes an argument if he has the temerity to masturbate without her involvement when he's away. I don't know how anyone can justify that as normal.

Hmm. That's pretty unanimous then! Thanks everyone, lots to think about.

Porn, the porn industry and the way it is so normalised now is vile. It is cheating in my opinion

My partner knows it's a deal breaker and I would view it as cheating if I ever found out he had used porn.

Op your current situation sounds stressful. I'd suggest deciding clearly in your own mind where your boundaries are then let your partner know. If he breaks it you have your answer - he's not worth it

If he doesn't, keeper

Op may not have a problem with porn, but porn is causing a problem in her relationship and many others around the world. Watch the video I linked to if you think porn is harmless (putting aside for a moment it's contribution to the abuse and objectification of women) it really isn't. Hundreds of thousands of men around the world are struggling to have satisfying sex because of porn, ironic isn't it.

I don't think you sound controlling. It sounds to me like you're trying to set boundaries (which happen to be about porn but could be about anything) and your partner is refusing to acknowledge them.

But it also sounds like you haven't yet been able to identify exactly where the boundary is, because you have no problem with some porn use, but you're uneasy about the type of porn your partner uses, and the circumstances in which he uses it.

Maybe you need to figure out exactly what the problem is for you (e.g. does the series porn watched while he's away feel like being cheated on?) - and then decide what would be a deal breaker for you. At that point you can set absolute boundaries and it's up to him whether he agrees to accept them or lose the relationship.

I agree with CardsforKittens - It sounds to me like his porn use is affecting your relationship and you feel he has a more intimate relationship with porn (and particular stars) than you. When porn use by previous partners hasn't infringed on your relationship, you've had no issue with it. It is infringing on your relationship and you're trying to find positive ways around it without asking him to stop watching porn. It's OK to say "in this situation, I'm not OK with you watching porn".

It's not the porn that is the real issue here, so please leave the anti-porn debate to another thread, or better still start your own. It's perfectly clear here that it's the OP's DH's masturbation habits that are the issue she's arguing about. There is nothing from what she's written to indicate the masturbation or porn is lessening the amount of intercourse they're having together, and she's even trying to control when and how he does it when he's working away.

It's not the porn that is the real issue here, so please leave the anti-porn debate to another thread

Agree. Stop trying to twist the thread to give her a problem she says she doesn't have. If you want to rant about porn start your own thread. On this one at least respect the op and deal with the issue she has posted about.

Her dp is getting his rocks off to porn, a lot. There is a significant and growing body of scientific evidence that links excessive use of porn to both an inability to ejaculate and erectile dysfunction. So porn is a big part of the issue here (whether op or other posters realise that) and it would be remiss to ignore that.
Watch the video if you don't believe me. Not trying to twist anything, and dint understand why bluntness and brahms are so committed to defending the industry. Industrial sex, sexy!

The op is asking because I've never really minded past partners watching porn. This feels different and I've never understood why. He's been fairly secretive about it from the start (works away a lot). I felt uncomfortable about him watching it rather than, say, talking to me.
Secrecy, and prioritising porn over your partner sounds a lot like beginnings of addiction to me.

You're controlling him. Stop it.

If he wants to watch porn when he's away SO WHAT. He's allowed to masturbate without having to include you!!! Jesus.

Imagine if this thread was posted by a man. "I don't like my girlfriend watching porn and I have repeatedly asked her to include me when she masturbates instead" my god he would get an earful.

He is allowed to have a wank in peace without having to include you. He's also allowed to watch whatever porn wants (legal obviously) without having to tell you when and what he's watching.

If you really don't like that, then leave. You say you don't mind it, but you obviously do. And you're totally entitled to feel that way, but don't try and dictate what somebody does with their body because of how you feel

You just need to back off and give him space. He probably can't come with you because you've made the porn and your sex life such a major issue and intertwined with controlling his private thoughts and actions, he is turned off.

If he watched violent porn or wanted you to do something you were uncomfortable with it would be different.

I asked him to try and include me in masturbation while he's away.

"Away" meaning "not at home" or meaning "masturbation is underway"?

If the former, then what exactly are you wanting him to do?

I don't tell my OH what I watch/read. It's none of his business! I would feel controlled if he demanded to know every time I masturbated and what I was watching at the time.
My OH does normally say, up for sex tonight? And whether I say yes or no depends whether he'll go for a wank or not.

porn is cheating?

Seriously?

OP, I haven't read past the first half of the first page, because the comments were the usual 'you're controlling, I wouldn't put up with it' crap I've come to expect from pp who actually don't seem to have grasped your issue correctly. Hopefully it improves later.
If you're tolerant of him watching porn but he never includes you in that aspect (which is what I think you are saying it boils down to) I can understand how you feel some rejection and disappointment. If he enjoys it and isnt ashamed of it, why wouldn't he want to share with you? Either he enjoys it more solo because he doesn't have to think about anyone else, he watches stuff he doesn't want you to see, or he is embarrassed.
So I guess you either leave it /leave him/ introduce your own couple stuff and see how he reacts. If he is totally opposed to sharing anything like that with you, I'd say there's no way you're ever going to have a completely happy sexual relationship, and cut your losses now.
Men and porn. Causes more problems than it solves, ime.