Partner and porn - am I wrong to dislike this?

[Pandoraphile]

Namechanged for this as I have another thread running and really don't want to be outed.

Firstly - I know this topic has been done to death. This isn't about the rights and wrongs of watching porn. It's a question about his choice of porn.

I've never really minded past partners watching porn. This feels different and I've never understood why. He's been fairly secretive about it from the start (works away a lot). I felt uncomfortable about him watching it rather than, say, talking to me. I asked him to try and include me in masturbation while he's away. He did and I too opened up and shared. Then I discover that while I'd been open, he had kept his porn watching from me, despite my explanation and his assurances that he would tell me (I felt that I needed that emotional bond).

We had this argument literally every time he was away. He KNEW I didn't like it but ignored my request. This wasn't about me demanding to know every time he came, it was to be generally included in the stuff he was watching.

Fast forward to now and I'm still uncomfortable. He will tell me about videos we've made together but will only say about porn if I ask him directly.

I think I know what bothers me - he doesn't just watch random videos, he looks for the same people. Like, he'll follow a "series" (although what the fuck that is I have no idea).

So in conclusion, he still doesn't share unless I ask, despite this having caused serious arguments in the past. I'm uncomfortable about what he watches and why. Another thing to add is that he finds it difficult to come during penetrative sex. Sometimes he does but he often needs my hand or his to finish. Obviously this makes me feel like crap. And I'm so bound up in all of this, and have been for months, I've managed to lose any sense of perspective.

I'd be grateful for any advice - even if it's that I'm being a complete overreacting freak!

TIA

Bullshit windy, but that's for the patronising twaddle of how we have 'failed to grasp' the OPs plight . this has nothing to with the fact he is a man, it has everything to do with the fact OP is expecting to control this persons sexuality.

I enjoy a frap whilst watching some carefully chosen porn, and I'm not ashamed of it, it doesn't mean I have to share it with my partner every time. You're saying that because people enjoy the simple act of pleasing themselves, that they must be ashamed of it?

It doesn't for one second sound like he's completely opposed to sharing things with OP. It does sound like she wants to dominate his sexuality so much so even when he goes away with work she has to know about his wanks and has to be part of them.

I know for a FACT if a woman was on here posting about how her husband doesn't like her masturbating without him, we would be screeching LTB.

thanks*

porn is cheating?

What a ridiculous comment. When people crack one off, whether porn is involved or not, they are normally think about someone else. So if someone is thinking about Tom Hardy, Emily Blunt or their secretary when wanking, are they cheating?!

You sound quite controlling Op. are you look for a submissive partner?

Titanz and thenaze did you watch the ted talk? Do you have any comment on it?

I couldn't make my way fully through it because it's a load of psuedo-science. Its not a Ted talk, it's a Ted X talk which any tom dick and harry can do.

Didn't you see the 'NOTE FROM TED: This talk contains several assertions about masturbation that are not supported by academically respected studies in medicine and psychology. Please do not look to this talk for medical advice.'

So since the speaker cannot even give credible information that is evidence based it is simply not worth my time. Don't you think it's interesting how they disabled comments on the Youtube video? Because they don't want people calling out the waffle he's talking. So some people take to blogs to do it instead: www.patheos.com/blogs/mormontherapist/2016/09/a-critique-on-the-great-porn-experiment.html?repeat=w3tc

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201307/your-brain-porn-its-not-addictive

There's much more debunking this out there if you are interested.

I'd read the psychology today article that titanz had linked to.

Who's Ted anyway?

Or did you consider vested interests? Porn pays.

So you aren't going to acknowledge the lack of evidence?

Did you consider vested interests? Gary Wilson is making money from his bunk.

thenaze it's a media company, stands for Technology, Entertainment and Design.

I'll have a listen to it later. I have an open mind.

I do stand by my original comment though. I'm not a porn user myself but, if my partner wanted to & they did, I wouldn't feel cheated upon.

Jesus let the poor sod have a wank in peace

Ted talks are generally quite good, I don't really listen to Ted X talks like that one though as they can be done by anyone and don't have to have any actual basis to the claims they make, as you will find with that particular video.

I am NOT controlling, I have the utmost respect for my DP.

The whole masturbating thing was discussed and we both agreed that it would be a turn on to know what the other was watching. Except he then doesn't volunteer. For reasons I don't understand.

Does that make it clearer for everyone?

You don't understand why he doesn't volunteer because you cannot see it from an outside perspective, despite it being one that has been explained to you multiple times here.

Once in a blue moon, turn on yeah. Every time? No.

You're intruding on his sexuality, you're forcing yourself into a private moment and making it about you.

he had kept his porn watching from me, despite my explanation and his assurances that he would tell me (I felt that I needed that emotional bond)

This is manipulative and you've made it all about you.

He will tell me about videos we've made together but will only say about porn if I ask him directly.

Why are you asking? Why are you so obsessed?

So the man has a wank, and he has to drop you a message 'oh just to let you know I watched porn today'.

It's controlling. You're the one with the porn obsession here, not him.

I think you are over-reacting massively. Your partner is entitled to have some privacy, you should back off.

OP, you’re not in the wrong here or controlling. The relationships board gets a bit weird when porn is mentioned in a thread… It becomes more about how other people view their own porn consumption or issues with real-life sex rather than addressing the issue at hand.
Ignore ‘em.

I think an important point being glossed over here by pp is the problems your partner has with ejaculating during sex. If he can only come by his own hand (or yours) this suggests to me that he’s wanking too much and is way more into porn than it appears on the surface.

All cards on the table, I’m a sex worker and deal with men with porn addictions on a daily basis (and it’s scarily on the rise in the 20 – 30 year old demographic.) There are tell-tale signs of a porn addict and, from what you’ve said, you’re current DP ticks quite a few of the boxes.
Secretive, following specific series or pornstars, struggling with real-life sex…

I think your gut is telling you there’s something not right here (i.e. your DP has a closer relationship to porn than he does to you!) and this is why you want to know how often he’s viewing it.
You know this guy is different to previous partners who watched porn and that this could potentially lead to real problems.

It’s also normal to feel a bit shit when your partner chooses porn over having sex with you. It’s not your self-esteem that’s the problem here, but it will be if he continues ignoring you in favour of wanking off to porn.

To be honest I don't have a porn issue unless it's paid for or webcam type stuff, and I occasionally have very occasionally watched stuff when on my own, because I prefer that , it's not something I think 'must be shared'

I get you have an issue with porn. Many women do and thats fine.

But it sounds like you are trying to pretend to be ok with so coming up with rules that he needs to abide by so that you feel better about it.

You want him to share masturbating. He clearly doesnt and doesnt want to say.

Take his lead.

Yeah you clearly do have a problem with his use, and it sounds a lot, OP, for what it's worth so would I, to the point I'd not want to be with anyone that was using it to the degree that he is; it's almost like he's having another relationship that does not involve you, he's not, but I bet sometimes it feels like that.

You don't sound controlling to me, you sound like a woman who feels she has to be A ok with his porn use when in fact your gut is saying different.

I'd not have any respect for a man that was kind of listening to you then ignoring you then almost feeling triumphant that he'd already got his rocks off to some video, nah, not for me.

You say you don't have an issue with porn.. but from your actions it seems like you do. Which is fine! If you are not comfortable with his porn viewing you need to tell him that, not pretend it's okay when it's actually hurting you. What's not okay is demanding you are involved with his masturbation. The fact you think you should be so involved suggests you are massively sexually insecure. I think you need to ask yourself some tough questions about why you find it upsetting.

you sound like a woman who feels she has to be A ok with his porn use when in fact your gut is saying different.

This. I also agree with the pp who said your gut is trying to tell you something. Porn was never an issue in your previous relationships, why is it different now? Could it be because deep down you know he's a porn addict and this is making you feel threatened? You feel like you have to compete with porn for his affections?

You weren't doing this in previous relationships and it's worth looking at why all of a sudden you've become like this in your current relationship.

I'd not have any respect for a man that was kind of listening to you then ignoring you then almost feeling triumphant that he'd already got his rocks off to some video, nah, not for me

So where does it seen like OPs partner is 'triumphant'? Or are you projecting?

Ok titanz

1. I'm taking anything a blogger called 'mormontherapist' writes with a truckload of salt. Not a great start to your 'debunking'.
2. The talk was originally put together in 2009, the science was very new, because the availability of massive quantities of easy to access porn was quite recent. For information on the 100's of studies (which may be of use to the OP and her dh) please see yourbrainonporn.com/research-articles-and-abstracts I don't think Ted would be putting that same message on the talk if it were given in 2017. Ted are non partisan, they will have come under considerable pressure to recant part or all of this talk by the powers that be in the porn industry - this kind of information is not good for business.
3. That leaves us with one article from psychology today, which is a) poorly written, b) about heavily criticised research from 2013.

So porn: Causes problems in relationships because men who use excessively have ED and/or ejaculation issues. (Sounds like ops partners problem) Causes the abuse and trafficking of vulnerable women Causes young people to normalise violent, degrading acts performed on women, e.g. Choking, gagging, hitting, slapping. God knows if any teenage girls are actually enjoying real participative sex these days. Fine if it's what you are into and have discovered that yourself, not fine if young people are doing it because they think that is how it's meant to be because they are learning from porn. Perpetuates the objectification of women, causing women to be valued only for their perceived fuckability. Turns what should be an act of mutual pleasure and fun between two or more people in to a commodity and sells it. Industrial sex. But hey porn is just a harmless bit of fun, and women to should be cool with it regardless of the issues it causes, cos you know menz have needz and if we don't want to go along with it we are 'controlling' 'uptight' blah blah blah yawn. Why do you feel the need to defend the porn industry so strongly Titanz

Mormontherapist?? Umm.. Wow. Yeah, hardly a positive ambassador for porn with a name like that.

Orchard hit the nail on the head for me, well said.