Partner and porn - am I wrong to dislike this?

[Pandoraphile]

Namechanged for this as I have another thread running and really don't want to be outed.

Firstly - I know this topic has been done to death. This isn't about the rights and wrongs of watching porn. It's a question about his choice of porn.

I've never really minded past partners watching porn. This feels different and I've never understood why. He's been fairly secretive about it from the start (works away a lot). I felt uncomfortable about him watching it rather than, say, talking to me. I asked him to try and include me in masturbation while he's away. He did and I too opened up and shared. Then I discover that while I'd been open, he had kept his porn watching from me, despite my explanation and his assurances that he would tell me (I felt that I needed that emotional bond).

We had this argument literally every time he was away. He KNEW I didn't like it but ignored my request. This wasn't about me demanding to know every time he came, it was to be generally included in the stuff he was watching.

Fast forward to now and I'm still uncomfortable. He will tell me about videos we've made together but will only say about porn if I ask him directly.

I think I know what bothers me - he doesn't just watch random videos, he looks for the same people. Like, he'll follow a "series" (although what the fuck that is I have no idea).

So in conclusion, he still doesn't share unless I ask, despite this having caused serious arguments in the past. I'm uncomfortable about what he watches and why. Another thing to add is that he finds it difficult to come during penetrative sex. Sometimes he does but he often needs my hand or his to finish. Obviously this makes me feel like crap. And I'm so bound up in all of this, and have been for months, I've managed to lose any sense of perspective.

I'd be grateful for any advice - even if it's that I'm being a complete overreacting freak!

TIA

I really really am not controlling or manipulative. This conversation has always been a two way one. I don't demand anything of him! If he doesn't share, he doesn't share, I mind in myself but don't say anything or cause an issue.

I'm not sure why I haven't minded in the past....I don't know why this is different.

He doesn't choose wanking over sex. He works away a LOT so this is time when we're apart when I'd like to maintain some emotional closeness and part of this for both of us is discussing masturbation. He'll tell me all about when he watches videos of me, but doesn't mention anything when porn is involved.

Hi I'm Dragons' partner and I think I can see what you're getting at here. You seem a bit insecure about yourself in terms of being able to please him. It seems to be because you need to finish him with your hand or his hand rather than your body, and this has extended to you feeing that maybe he's not attracted to you as much as he is attracted to these pornstars.

Rest assured, this is not the case. I've also been in a similar situation where it's hard for me to finish and the truth is it just comes down to nerves. Often you're thinking about how the other person is feeling and if you're satisfying them and it detracts from how you're feeling. That means he's just comfortable with the feeling of a hand because he's used to it. Many guys feel it's uncomfortable to finish outside of a certain position.

It could also be the case that he's into some kinky things and maybe he needs a bit of that in his sex life rather than just porn? Have a talk with him about what he likes to watch and ask him if he'd like to try that with you. And remember, the biggest turn off is asking why he doesn't always masturbate over you, because guys will always masturbate over their own experiences every now and then. It makes them feel more confident, so don't sweat it!

I don't know why this is different.
That is what you need to work out. I don't think you are controlling. I also don't think partners need to know every detail about each other's sexuality. But I do think instincts are there for a reason:
He's been fairly secretive about it from the start (works away a lot). I felt uncomfortable about him watching it rather than, say, talking to me.
And
Another thing to add is that he finds it difficult to come during penetrative sex. Sometimes he does but he often needs my hand or his to finish.
Not normal. I suspect that is why it feels different.
Would he consider going cold turkey from porn for 60 days just to see what happens? I bet you would both find your sex life improves dramatically.

Bullshit windy, but that's for the patronising twaddle of how we have 'failed to grasp' the OPs plight hmm. this has nothing to with the fact he is a man, it has everything to do with the fact OP is expecting to control this persons sexuality.
Your comment that OP is out to control his masturbation is bullshit titanz. Obv you've latched onto one thing you think it outrageous and are running with that. Despite the fact that isn't what OP said. Maybe the subtleties of the relationship escaped you.

Well this is still rumbling along.

While he was away I took a step back and stopped talking about sex. He brought it up casually a couple of times in ref to looking forward to coming home.

He's home. Normally all over me but not so much this time. I have my period, admittedly, but this has never been a problem in the past and there's other stuff we can do.

I took the opportunity to snoop through his iPad this afternoon and what did I find? Browser switched to private mode, therefore no history. However in bookmarks I found links to certain girls and certain websites. So it's not so much the actual porn that he's after, it's actually the girls themselves. There were also three female names that when I clicked on them took me to a broken link to a fb page. No idea what those could be?????

I'm not so much asking for advice now, I think it's all been said. I'm just venting I guess and trying not to cry - because he's sitting opposite me!

Thank you so much everyone for the responses - it means a lot that so many have taken the time to do so.

Ok, I googled the names and they're all pornstars Although why he'd be looking for them on fb I have no idea??

Why were you snooping?
Afraid i agree with others.
I wouldn't want to share, once in a while maybe, but all the time would take out any fun there was out.
You may not mean to be demanding, but it does come across that way a little.
He doesn't need to share his masturbation habitats, they're private. They maybe important to you but it doesn't mean he has to share with you.
i dont think porn is the issue at all.
I also dont blame him for setting it to private, id be a little fed up.
Is this relationship for you?
You're not happy with certain intimate acts and now you've checked his ipad, , your not happy is it worth it?

OP, honestly he sounds like an adolescent immature git who cares not a jot for your feelings, start watching men on men when he's home, leave your browser open so he can see; let him FEEL what you have been feeling; you're not mad, you're not uncool, he's deliberately and purposely excluding you and making you feel in the wrong; this is not a kind, respectful and mutually appreciative relationship, regardless of others saying it's none of your business, it is actually if it's making you feel crap; I'd feel crap if the only thing I could find on my partner's tablet was him searching woman and woman.

I have no issue with porn but I did have an issue when I found out about my dh porn addiction.. when porn becomes an ADDICTION it is massively different to a regular joe enjoying a wank.. I have found no one understands this unless they have had experience of it affecting their relationship.

OP I don't think your are controlling and weird, I think you realised something wasn't right.. go with your instincts on this and good luck..

OP - I am sorry you feel this way. But for me - when I read you last update all I could see is an insecure woman looking for proof that her insecurity is not baseless.

Why do you judge the strength of his love for you on his masturbation habit when he is away?????
Why is it all about that - and not the other (many) important aspects of your relationship?? Do you talk, cuddle, so things together, share nice time?
(If those things are missing, than your fixation on his masturbation may be a little more understandable, otherwise, not really)

So - he didn't jump you when he came back this time.
Have you asked him - what's on his mind?
Maybe he had a difficult week, or is feeling off somehow?
It's not ALL about you, you know.

As to watching porn by the same people - don't make it into more than that is.
There is a lot of crappy porn out there. Once one finds what works - watching the same people makes perfect sense - it's like with food - you stick with what you like. What works for you.
Won't make him want you any less.

OP - you sound depressed and down on yourself. And what you do as a result - lash out at him.
And - going down the route you are going - you will only make yourself more unhappy.

I think relationships are dead in this day and age.

Just go out and fuck whoever you want.... I blame porn. I mean, look at the average woman on the street, she looks like a porn star.

@MerdeOhMerde what a lot of nonsense

What is nonsense?

I think relationships are dead in this day and age - based on what evidence? Half of all marriages don't end in divorce and mn relationship board does not represent all relationships and marriages, it only highlights the worst examples. My 23 year relationship is alive and kicking, and very happy. It's really sad that you've developed such a low opinion.

Just go out and fuck whoever you want.... I blame porn. I mean, look at the average woman on the street, she looks like a porn star - wow, where to start? Actually this is so nonsensicle I give up, what on earth do you mean? What streets are you looking at??