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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me what you think about my 2nd date? Im so annoyed at myself :(

145 replies

user1496589862 · 27/08/2017 18:29

First date was arranged about 2 weeks ago, for bank hol monday (tomorrow) to go for food and a few drinks. Dont usually do this on a first date as I think its better to have a quick coffee but I know him (school together) although not spoken to him in about 10 years.
Chatting and texting before hand and one evening I was free, he was free so we went for a walk. Stopped for a drink. He went in for a kiss. This is one of my pet hates as I dont think you should on a first date but I didnt mind as I quite fancied him. Felt like I knew him. He was very chatty, a little annoying but I put it down to nerves.
So 2nd date was still on for monday. Recently, I was coming home from a night shift and he suggested tea and toast for breakfast so I agreed. I thought its ok, he can come to mine. I kind of know him, friends in common, its just tea and toast.

I made a cuppa, put the tv on and we chatted for about 10 mins and that was wen he became a complete letch. I dnt mind a kiss but his hands were all over the place. I kept saying calm down. He pulled my hand towards him and he was telling me how hard he was. I pulled my hand away thinking this is getting uncomfortable. I tried to talk, drink my tea but he would not stop pulling me, kissing me and forcing my hand. Its difficult to text but this went on for about half hour and I kept saying, I need to sleep. Im tired. He would not go. He would not leave me alone. I stood up he stood up. I moved and he moved. He then exposed himself telling me he was horny. Asking me to go upstairs. I said no thats is definitely not happening. I was trying to laugh it off as I was becoming more uncomfortable. This happened about 3 times. I told him I needed to sleep and to stop and kept pushing him from me. I managed to get to the back door and literally had to shout a little and say I needed sleep. I honestly thought he was not going to leave.
When he did I cried. I know thats probably completely over reacting but I have never felt so uncomfortable and so out of control in my own home.
Right now Im feeling really strange and I dont know why. I wanted to post because I dont have anyone to talk to and Im annoyed at myself for allowing him over. Im disappointed in myself because I should know better.
He apologised later by text. Saying he was horny. I actually feel sick. He then text 'looking forward to tomorrow'....Oh my god that is not happening. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
CherriesInTheSnow · 27/08/2017 22:54

My DH used to work night shifts so when we first started dating I invited him around for breakfast quite a few times.

No, he did not expect to have sex with me just because he was in my home, even (and probably especially) because we hadn't been seeing each other very long.

So no, the moral of the story is not that women shouldn't be able to have men in their homes without them expecting sex, the moral of this story is that this guy is a disgusting entitled pervert.

ShoesHaveSouls · 27/08/2017 22:55

And what is it with men and their penises?? So far on MN today we've had a man waking his partner up by rubbing his penis on her nose, dick pics, and now a man exposing himself over breakfast after 1 date Hmm Do they think women fall into bed with them at the mere sight of their cocks? FFS.

Booboobooboo84 · 27/08/2017 22:56

@melabela10 no is not foreplay

ProphetOfDoom · 27/08/2017 22:56

You did absolutely nothing wrong. There is no excuse for what this guy did.

Hopefully you'll never hear from this arse again. Am sure we can help you compose a completely unambiguous text if he does. I want to crack his skull on your behalf. Flowers

hesterton · 27/08/2017 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow2017 · 27/08/2017 23:41

However, i would not make drama out if it, you know him for long so given it was a date at home some people expect sex to happen. also, some man see women who try to reject sex as a way of foreplay and playing hard to get to eventually give in

SInce when does having breakfast together after work = sex?

Since when was it ok to grope somone and then flash your tackle at them over tea and toast?

Since when was it ok to follow people around the room and refuse to leave when told to?

SInce when did men get so thick as to think someone telling them to stop groping and flashing and to get out think that was 'foreplay'?

Since she knew the guy I think op thought it would be ok to have him at her house just for a chat on their first date!

Not all men are so bloody thick, selfish or potential rapists. I dont know any men who have come to my house and tried to force me to have sex and I have had lots of male friends over the years, they must have missed the memo about going to a womans house = its ok to try to force her into sex.

Willow2017 · 27/08/2017 23:41

2nd date not 1st date!

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 27/08/2017 23:45

How horrible for you. Flowers block his number once he replies.

Willow2017 · 27/08/2017 23:48

fortunacookie

What rubbish.

Only a selfish, thick, potential rapist would think that. Real men know how to act decently.

Lavenderfly · 28/08/2017 00:39

Rah what a lucky escape! But not without damage. I'm sorry it happened to you Flowers

That guy sounds proper rapey. It might be a good idea to report it to a support place, so there is a record. Just in case he tries it on someone else.

Fingers crossed that he doesn't bother you ever again!

kissmethere · 28/08/2017 07:09

Melabela10
fortunacookie
What warped idea do you have regarding respect between 2 people?
He's tried to force OP into sex and tempt her with his amazing penis (sarcasm)
If he'd have said "hey shall I come round in the morning for a shag?" She can say yes please or no thanks but this arse has got into her home under the guise of a breakfast! He shouldn't "expect " sex she can have who ever she pleases in her home and deserves to feel safe.
OP I hope you're ok. Keep screen shots of any others message from him as evidence incase he pushes his luck again.

Goingtobeawesome · 28/08/2017 07:20

I don't think it was a good text at all. You said you don't think you're ready to date i.e. As you didn't like what he did. You did nothing wrong. You should have told him today was off and not to contact you again or you'll report him to the police for sexual assault. You can' get a chain and a bolt for your door to negate the fact he knows where you live.

Hissy · 28/08/2017 07:28

That text is putting the "blame" on you my love.

His behaviour was unacceptable, it was sexual harassment at the very least!

You are not "not ready for dating" HE was out of line.

Be kind to yourself, you've had a real shock, and a horrible near miss, it could have been a whole lot worse Sad

You didn't cause this, he did

lasttimeround · 28/08/2017 07:29

You are ready to date op. Just not ready to date a sex pest.

This is about man who wouldn't take no for an answer. Not about you although no is enough you don't need to justify with 'I need to sleep' or 'I dont feel well'. Just 'no I don't want to have sex with you'.

And you feel uncomfortable because someone bigger and stronger than you was getting his dick out in your home and making you touch it when you made clear you didn't want to.

WomanWithAltitude · 28/08/2017 07:31

some man see women who try to reject sex as a way of foreplay and playing hard to get to eventually give in.

Er... yes. Those are called rapists.
I can't believe I just read that!

OP - you must have been so scared, what he did was awful and definitely a crime. It is absolutely normal to have cried when he left and not to want to see him again. What a bastard!

WomanWithAltitude · 28/08/2017 07:42

What is it with some of the responses saying 'this could be perceived as sexual assault'?

This IS sexual assault, no doubt about it. The law is clear - sexual contact / touching without consent is assault and prison time can result.

Let's not minimise what he did - he's not a confused man who got carried away or misread the signals. He committed a sex offence, and he knows full well that what he did was wrong.

Anecdoche · 28/08/2017 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMtheoriginal · 28/08/2017 08:05

People telling the OP that was not a good text are being harsh. Just as she should not be shouldering any responsibility for what happened she does not have any responsibility to react in a certain way.

Whilst I agree she could have been more direct, she is clearly shaken up and does not want to antagonize the situation. Yes the guy is a pig and could do with being put in his place it is not Ops responsibility to do so.

WomanWithAltitude · 28/08/2017 08:19

It's easy to say you'd send something strongly worded when it's not you that's scared of a sex offender who knows where you live.

SockEatingMonster · 28/08/2017 08:28

I genuinely had no idea that some people thought that a date at home = sex. Admittedly it's been 11 years since I last dated, but I spent an entire weekend at DH's home for our second date without having sex. We did kiss etc, but I said I didn't want sex, so we didn't have it. The following weekend he stayed with me and it did progress to sex. By mutual consent. DH was also someone I'd known from years ago.

You did nothing wrong.

Angelf1sh · 28/08/2017 10:57

I haven't RTFT because this made me so angry I had to jump in and say something straight away. You are not being remotely unreasonable to be upset - this man has committed several sexual offences against you and has made you uncomfortable in your own home, this is outrageous behaviour. Even if by some convoluted reasoning he'd decided you wanted him to come over for sex after your night shift, your repeated rebuffs would have told him he was wrong in his assumptions. He pressed on anyway because he thought his wants trumped yours. That's bullshit. You may not want to report this to the police (again, I've not RTFT so this may be irrelevant) because of the hassle of going through a trial when it's just your word against his, but you'd be well within your rights to. You definitely need to cancel the date for today and tell him you don't want to see him again because you don't date men who won't take no for an answer.

Melabela10 · 28/08/2017 17:20

sorry if my message offended fellow mumsnetters, i did not mean to defend this man, please re read my original post.

what i was trying to say is that if i were in OP's place i wouldnt report the assault just because in the given circumstances it will be diffiucult to prove the offence, long cross examination may only add to traumatic experience and affect emotional state even further, but of course its up to OP whether to take this further or not.
Not all man are sensible creatures and can misinterprete invitation at home as a booty call. some are dumb enought to think women saying no is just playing hard to get and think no=yes. im not saying this is right this is wrong by all means but this unfortunately can happen and we need to be very careful and be prepared. when i was younger and into dating as a matter of precaution i was inviting guys to my home/accepted invitations to theirs only when i was sure he in in his right mind and wont cause any emotional distress or physical distress. . Still, i had an unfortunate experience with horny bastards trying to get into my pants, i just cut any contacts and forget about it quickly but i know for some people it takes longer to overcome succh an unpleasant expereince.
sending you hugs OP and be strong.

LEMtheoriginal · 28/08/2017 18:01

When in a hole malebea stop digging!! Stupidity is not a defence for rape/sexual assault.

Yeah maybe some men idiots might think an invitation for coffee might lead to sex. They might even "try it on" although that is incredibly bad mannered imo. However if a woman makes it clear or there is the slightest suggestion that she isn't 100% up for it then any half decent person will back off.

A woman should absolutely be able to stop at ANY stage. She should not actually have to spell it out.

Hopefully sex pest got the hint!

TestTubeTeen · 28/08/2017 18:13

Good post LEM.

And I say that as someone who would have been / would have liked to have seen the OP be more direct.

OP, the thing is, know in your own self that it is not you, it's him. All of it.

TestTubeTeen · 28/08/2017 18:14

I meant LEM's post about it not being the OP's responsibility.

But LEM has it.

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