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Original poster

SAHP - School Holidays & DH

90 replies

Dottie39 · 25/08/2017 17:09

Am a SAHP to four children aged 1-9.
I find staying at home in the holidays hard work with them arguing, making mess, eating everything in sight, moaning... So most day we go out, even if just for a couple of hours. Most days I am aware of spending and take a picnic and go to parks, nature reserves, woods, beach etc. One day a week we do a larger day out that may cost like a city, swimming, theme park. Never spent a fortune and stay within our means. As lovely as it is, it is still toring chasing kids about, keeping them all safe, fed, happy. One year old is everywhere, three year old is bonkers and am forever saving her from places he has climbed, older two argue all the time. Am doing my absolute best to give them all a good holiday without breaking the bank - often we meet friends and have friends over too.

Last night DH basically told me how lucky I am that he works so hard that I can have all these 'jollys' out and have such an easy life. Said all his work colleagues can't believe how much I take kids out and that they agree I am very lucky he is so good to us.

Now I know he does work hard so I can be at home, but there is no way I could earn enough to even break even with childcare so it's an economical decision too and I gave up a good career to stay home, a mutual decision we are both happy with, I thought.

I just feel like he thinks I am off having fun at his expense and it feels like we are not the team I thought.
Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
FanwankTheAbsurd · 25/08/2017 17:12

Tell him to spend a whole day entertaining all four kids this bank holiday. For the WHOLE day. Then ask him if he wants to rethink his 'jolly' comments.

Cambionome · 25/08/2017 17:12

No. He is thoughtless and patronising.

Explain EXACTLY what you do and how tiring it is.

Even better, ask him to take a day off and do a day out with 4 kids!!Angry

Mushroomburger17 · 25/08/2017 17:13

He obviously hasn't had the kids enough on his own. My dh thinks I'm a fucking saint and would never want to swap. This attitude will be easily cured by you going away for a weekend.

kittybiscuits · 25/08/2017 17:14

^ this. And he hasn't to do it without spending money. What a cock.

thatdearoctopus · 25/08/2017 17:17

Yeah, and make sure you take his phone/iPad/laptop off him whilst he's in charge.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 25/08/2017 17:17

He has never done more than an hour or so on his own because I have been breastfeeding or pregnant virtually no stop so never left them that long. Am hoping to stop feeding one year old soon! Glad it's not just me, I felt really upset by his comments. I thought I was doing a good job keeping kids happy and running house, felt really hurt to hear he doesn't view me that way.

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 25/08/2017 17:18

So have you put him straight and told him that?

ChickenBhuna · 25/08/2017 17:19

I think you might need to book theme park/tourist attraction tickets for your family (including dh) and feel suddenly very unwell on that day. You get terrible migraines right? The only thing that helps is laying in a dark room , yes? You wouldn't want dh and the kids to hang around bored while you recover would you?Smile

Seriously though , hos comment is a bit 'little woman' and I'd be furious too.

My exdh was always saying crap like this and I was hospitalised for three days at one point. Our neighbour did the school run for him and he and the dcs had takeaway every night.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 25/08/2017 17:20

Yeah, but he wouldn't back down and was dismissive of how upset he made me.

OP posts:
haba · 25/08/2017 17:20

So which of you decided to have four children? The cost of childcare comes out of both your salaries, so yes, you can afford to go back to work. I presume he gets annual leave ? Next time he's off, leave him with the children for several days, I guarantee he'll change his mind about how easy it is (or he'll dump them all on his mother).

Mushroomburger17 · 25/08/2017 17:22

If its any consolation, it sounds like the dicks in his office were having a chauvinistic conversation, rather than your dh. Next time tell him to grow a pair and tell them how proud he is of you for looking after his 4 children and giving them a great summer and acknowledging how exhausting it is for you.

Saucysausages · 25/08/2017 17:28

Not being rude but why did you have 4 children?

We have 3 and with both of us working FT can afford summer holiday clubs, nursery place, au pair to pick up and do trips eg museums & also rely on GP for 5 overnights.

Every year there's around 10 weeks (?) off school so if I could not afford some summer childcare I would not have had children

I'm aware I'm lucky to have a job etc and this could change, I just don't understand why you thought / your DH thought it would be easy all summer with 4 kids and no childcare / GP help etc. Sounds incredibly difficult tbh!

Maybe go PT next year so you get some life back and can afford nursery & summer childcare places so you get a break from 15hr a day of relentless childcare & coming up with ideas

Don't mean to sound nasty hope this doesn't come across that way.

kittybiscuits · 25/08/2017 17:28

Have you looked at how much child maintenance you'd get if you left him? I would be keeping that in mind when making picnics to keep the cost down while he's awarding himself a father of the year medal for doing sweet FA. He sounds like a waste of space. What are his good points?

Pagwatch · 25/08/2017 17:29

Does he really have no idea how hard it is keeping a handle on four children? Is he never in charge of at least three of them on his own for a few hours?

Why don't you talk to him again.
If he understands how hard it is then he can stop making stupid comments.
If he maintains it's really easy and a nice jolly then tell him you will let him have a nice jolly with three of them on sat/Sunday while you take the smallest to your friend/parent/sibling for the day.
He can't refuse if he maintains its a piece of cake.

He can't have it both ways. Either it's easy and a jolly paid for by him in which case he can do it, or it's tiring and challenging in which case he can shut the fuck up and help

kittybiscuits · 25/08/2017 17:30

You don't mean to sound nasty @Saucysausages and yet you are being nasty. Very nasty.

jeaux90 · 25/08/2017 17:30

I'd book a day at the spa one weekend and let him crack on. With an overnight stay. By the one you get back he'll be kissing your feet.

MrsMozart · 25/08/2017 17:31

And he is still breathing... ConfusedShockHmm

Original poster
Dottie39 · 25/08/2017 17:36

I am happy being at home and intend to be until the youngest starts school. I had four children because I absolutely bloody love it and am in no way complaining about that. I am fine to be aware of costs and we have had some awesome days out. However, it is bloody hard work, which again is fine because I signed up for that - just upsey DH does not realise it's hard work and feel like he thinks I am taking the Micky enjoying myself while he works, when in fact I feel I work just as hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dottie39 · 25/08/2017 17:37

I think he does know it is hard, but possibly jealous we are out in the sun when he is at work...

OP posts:
Ilovetolurk · 25/08/2017 17:37

I don't think pointing it out will work he needs to experience it!! He might think twice then

Well done on keeping them all entertained, it must be difficult with the age range

DaemonPantalaemon · 25/08/2017 17:38

I had four children because I absolutely bloody love it and am in no way complaining about that

And yet here we are :)

Mushroomburger17 · 25/08/2017 17:40

She's complaining about her dh Confused

Enidblyton1 · 25/08/2017 17:43

YANBU Op
Have you been on holiday this summer? I find my DH is much more understanding after having to spend a week with the children!

cheminotte · 25/08/2017 17:44

I find it hard enough with two so well done keeping four entertained. Totally unfair of DH..

Original poster
Dottie39 · 25/08/2017 17:45

Deamon, I do bloody love the kids and am doing my best.... Can't always say the same for DH though!
Didn't want us to ever be the sorry of couple who argues about who had it hardest and thought we both appreciated what the other was doing. Just feel a bit disappointed at his comments.

OP posts: