SAHP - School Holidays & DH

[Dottie39]

Am a SAHP to four children aged 1-9.
I find staying at home in the holidays hard work with them arguing, making mess, eating everything in sight, moaning... So most day we go out, even if just for a couple of hours. Most days I am aware of spending and take a picnic and go to parks, nature reserves, woods, beach etc. One day a week we do a larger day out that may cost like a city, swimming, theme park. Never spent a fortune and stay within our means. As lovely as it is, it is still toring chasing kids about, keeping them all safe, fed, happy. One year old is everywhere, three year old is bonkers and am forever saving her from places he has climbed, older two argue all the time. Am doing my absolute best to give them all a good holiday without breaking the bank - often we meet friends and have friends over too.

Last night DH basically told me how lucky I am that he works so hard that I can have all these 'jollys' out and have such an easy life. Said all his work colleagues can't believe how much I take kids out and that they agree I am very lucky he is so good to us.

Now I know he does work hard so I can be at home, but there is no way I could earn enough to even break even with childcare so it's an economical decision too and I gave up a good career to stay home, a mutual decision we are both happy with, I thought.

I just feel like he thinks I am off having fun at his expense and it feels like we are not the team I thought.
Am I overthinking this?

Just because you BF doesnt mean he cant take the other dcs out for the day.

It is absoloutley fucking diabolical that he has three non breastfed children who he could take out for entire days on his own yet he never has.

How can you even respect him as a father?

You know what, he is being fucking ridiculous. You and he both know it. But it's human nature to think grass is greener. If you were in the office and he was with kids, you'd be jealous too. He has visions of you wafting along a river like the Von trapps while he has to make small talk with other dinosaurs about how awful it is in the office. But he knows, he's not offering to swap. Give him the virtual finger, know that it is what you agreed and enjoy your summer. Then hand him the bill for x4 childcare for 6 weeks holiday.

Holidays are bloody hard, OP, especially with children your age. My husband retrained as a teacher partly because of this. It will be MUCH easier once the children are more independent.

Your husband definitely needs to experience what you experience to see how 'lucky' you are.

Mam of four here and similar ages as well - you are doing amazingly well. 💪 Agree with PPs your DH needs to spend the day with all four, even if it's just local so he can pop home with them so you can feed the youngest and with him doing it all not dumping the toddler onto the older two.

His mother worked and he resented being sent various places over the holidays and her always seeming too busy to play with him.

How interesting that his father gets a free pass, as usual. What a noble reason for you having to be the one who gives up financial independence.

I'm not bashing SAHMs, I'm bashing men who guilt women into it because their mothers 'were never there' while giving fathers a free pass...presumably because they intend to benefit from that paradigm.

We only have 1 child, and as I am changing jobs, I have had the entire summer 'off' with my child - and its bloody hard work, never relenting! I love it, and realise I'll never get this opportunity again to be off all summer, but its not a 'jolly' despite going out and about.

I also think your DH needs to have more than just one day alone managing them all. My DH is great and hands on, but he doesn't even think of any prep thats needed (hair brushed, bags packed, food prepped, clothes washed, activities booked etc etc) so when he has our child for the day its 'easy' for him as he doesn't do any of that stuff - I still end up doing all the bloody prep!!

A guy at my work says these kinds of things about his wife and I point out regularly that he is useless at taking care of them so she is doing him a favour really and he should be thankful. He complains less now thank God. Don't think you are being unreasonable.

He sounds a rubbish dad, and a plonker of a husband!

I think you nerd to express milk and leave for the baby and go to a friend or shopping or have a spa day.... just once.
See if he feels the same after that.

In fact make it a regular thing. He works everyday and you have the kids every day. Start taking at least 3/4 hours of the weekend to yourself.

This is why I only had two kids. No appreciation and being called a lady of leisure while on maternity leave.

If he had to stay in with the kids for any length of time, he'd have a different attitude view.

It sets a bad precedent not leaving fathers alone with their children, because they don't have a clue what's involved.

I bugger off on the train at least once a year to stay with a friend. DH and the kids have a different dynamic to when I'm there, and they probably eat fewer vegetables.
I work part time. Comparisons are odious (between being at home vs work)- there are massive pros to being at home, personally I find it a lot less stressful than work, even on a bad day. Equally I love it when DH take leave to have the kids while I'm at work. It's great to have a partner at home. Partly coz I don't have to pick the kids up from childcare, I just join them in the park in a relaxed fashion as dinner is under someone else's control!

It sounds like you are doing a great job keeping everything together it is hard work!

I think if he had the experience of looking after all four single handed for a week he may rethink his attitude. Although it may be a novelty for him so not a real experience as in reality it a bit more like a treadmill!!

It's a shame men make us feel like this, women do too (I remember being asked what I did all day with my two kids when they were still preccoolers!).

Perhaps mention to him how it made you feel & see if he will expand on his view. X

Every time DP says anything like this, even in jest, I offer to swap (I work from home freelance so I can manage the kids too) and he knows he would hate it.

I don't take any nonsense about amount of earning, I'm sure I could work up to his level given the 7 years I've take responsibility of the kids while he concentrated on his career. He, however, has great trouble spending large amounts of time with the kids - he can't take the interaction they require.

Plus of course he knows it's not a bluff. I really would swap.

Sounds like you're doing an amazing job. I only have 2dc and when they were 1 and 3, I wouldn't have taken them on days out without my dh. It was just too hard work with dd1 being a bolter. Even at 3 and 5, days out are not relaxing when i have them on my own!

I work pt and when they were younger they were hard work. My dh agreed and thought I was mad not to work ft. I'm not sure he saw that although it was hard work, I still really wanted that time with them.

You probably make it look easy with your dc because you're with them all the time. As pp said the only way to help him understand is to get him more involved.

I have 2 school age dc...and I'm sahm. I've also been a working mum. I can categorically state it's easier to work full time! If being a sahp was such an easy job then why don't more men do it!?

ffs. Seething on your behalf. My dh occasionally alludes to my idyllic Mary Poppins life at his behest and I duly erupt. It is hard hard hard and often thankless work. Deep down he knows he couldn't do it (but jealous nonetheless) and was looking for an ego rub for being the "provider".

I think it is pretty normal to see the nice bits of someone else's life, without appreciating the daily grind - hence all the 'experts' you get on the jobs done by anyone in the public eye.
What might help him understand, is for you to arrange to go away for a weekend - just go and stay at a friend's house or with a relative, needn't cost much - and let him look after the 4 of them, feed them, entertain them, plus of course all the little household jobs you do as you go along, and let him experience how challenging it is. Just 48 hours. Should be easy peasy for him.

I went away with a very good friend for a weekend away, it was just great! My DH looked after our DDs, admittedly aged 8 and 5 so not so wearing on a practical level. But DD1 has behavioural issues, with Attachment Disorder, so it's good for him to see what it can be like looking after her.

Anyway I recommend that. We only stayed away on the Saturday night but it really helped me

It wouldn't do him any good just having the kids for one day. I think you should get a temp job for a fortnight while he's on holiday and let him see how relentless it is.

Agree ^^ he won't ever appreciate what it's like and change his opinion unless he's experienced it. Without sounding like an arse can you leave him to it for a few days? I'm not surprised you're hurt though, I would be too.

I get exhausted enough looking after 1 - I find work less tiring!

I applaud you for looking after 4, and finding activities every day instead of sticking them in front the tv.

Your DH is a knob, you should go spend some time with friends on Monday, and he can see what it’s like for a change!

So your husband has shown that he doesn't appreciate what you do - what are you going to do about it? Most posters have told you he needs to experience the kids on his own, are you going to facilitate that?

OP I hope you have had a frank talk with you DH and told him you are off work for the long weekend so the kids are his responsibility.

How the hell doesn't he see how good he has it that you are willing and able to be a SAHP?

I have 3 and any days out are hard! My oh is normally sent texts on the way home instructing him on what he needs to cook tonight because I'm not moving off the sofa - he generally knows at that point not to dare try anything!

I honestly think you need to go out for a day on your own this weekend and leave him to it (you can even throw some chores in to make it even more realistic) and remind him what it's actually like to be the gatekeeper

The only way to really 'get' what looking after children is like is to do it.

With no-one having prepped food, organised outings or bags and with an expectation that the home looks as it does usually at the end of the day ie when you've done all the work.

Preceded and followed by your explaining to your dh exactly why his remarks were so insulting.

I had four, ages ranged from 6 to newborn.

My DH never, ever, ever disparaged the amount of hard work it was. He got in from work and got stuck into bathtime and bedtime, helped clear up after dinner, and at weekends did as much (if not more) than me.

He told everyone he went to work for a rest, and felt guilty everytime he went away through work as he had a full night's sleep and knew I hadn't. He always, always was happy if we'd had a good day.

That's what you should expect of your husband.