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Original poster

SAHP - School Holidays & DH

90 replies

Dottie39 · 25/08/2017 17:09

Am a SAHP to four children aged 1-9.
I find staying at home in the holidays hard work with them arguing, making mess, eating everything in sight, moaning... So most day we go out, even if just for a couple of hours. Most days I am aware of spending and take a picnic and go to parks, nature reserves, woods, beach etc. One day a week we do a larger day out that may cost like a city, swimming, theme park. Never spent a fortune and stay within our means. As lovely as it is, it is still toring chasing kids about, keeping them all safe, fed, happy. One year old is everywhere, three year old is bonkers and am forever saving her from places he has climbed, older two argue all the time. Am doing my absolute best to give them all a good holiday without breaking the bank - often we meet friends and have friends over too.

Last night DH basically told me how lucky I am that he works so hard that I can have all these 'jollys' out and have such an easy life. Said all his work colleagues can't believe how much I take kids out and that they agree I am very lucky he is so good to us.

Now I know he does work hard so I can be at home, but there is no way I could earn enough to even break even with childcare so it's an economical decision too and I gave up a good career to stay home, a mutual decision we are both happy with, I thought.

I just feel like he thinks I am off having fun at his expense and it feels like we are not the team I thought.
Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 25/08/2017 17:45

Tell him he can be just as lucky as you when he takes his annual leave and his usual days off.
Tell him how lucky he is that you provide free childcare for your children.
Wow it would cost him a lot of money ........
I'm sorry OP but your dh is being a twat, show him this thread and also tell him some fathers step up and do 50% of the childcare even if they work ft, plus 50% of the housework. I am so Angry on your behalf.
Please make sure you get a regular break and he makes the effort to parent his children.

Saucy
Lots of people don't want to work to pay for summer clubs, they'd rather look after their children themselves.
Some people don't have children for the summer clubs, believe it or not Shock How rude!

Original poster
Dottie39 · 25/08/2017 17:46

*sort of couple

OP posts:
NewView · 25/08/2017 17:48

He needs to have them for a whole day- as soon as possible. And plan it without your help.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 25/08/2017 17:49

Thank you Gilly. I didn't want to say and be attacked but I won't use summer clubs anyway as I do actually want to spend summers with the kids. Even when I return to work it will be school hours. Each to their own but this is how I want to parent. Issue here is with DH not appreciating me and thinking I have it easy.

OP posts:
mylittlepony6 · 25/08/2017 17:50

My DH works shifts so he has our three kids alot on his own. I work Mon-Fri so I do weekends on my own. We both agree that having the kids is much harder than working! I agree with everyone on here who has said that he needs to experience it first hand.

grasspigeons · 25/08/2017 17:51

She's not complaining about having 4 children, and it appears they can afford them. She is complaining her husband thinks it's a jolly little holiday and she shouldn't mitigate some of the harder things by going out and spending some money. The jolly holiday aspect implies he doesn't value her contribution of looking after the children.

something can be hard and rewarding. I loved my night school 4 year degree level course but it was hard work.

Brahms3rdracket · 25/08/2017 17:57

I've only recently turned full-time sahm and only have 3 dcs from 1-9, but feel so angry on your behalf i will happily come and poke him in the eye for you Flowers

gillybeanz · 25/08/2017 17:58

I know what you mean OP, and in fairness my dh was like this just the once Grin
I don't think the one off expecting them to cope always works, ime you need to organise something regularly and whilst I know you aren't splitting up, if you were to then he'd have 50% joint care.
This is because it's important for kids to be with both parents if possible.
I'd arrange something regularly but like others suggest, not planned by you.
You just go out and leave him to it.

BadHatter · 25/08/2017 18:01

OP how many kids did your DH want? Was he ecstatic that you wanted to be a SAHM?

Did you push your wants on him during these decisions?

He seems to resent the situation. I don't blame him either.

SeaCabbage · 25/08/2017 18:05

OMG that is just so awful!!

I really really really want you to stop breastfeeding so that he can have all four for the day!

A one year old, a three year old and two more! He is such a knob!!

I think you will have to sit down with him one evening to talk about this otherwise it could start to develop huge cracks in your relationship. If you are going to do this kind of SAHP work, you have got to feel appreciated.

I am so cross on your behalf!

Are you able to at least leave them all with him for quite a while one weekend day just to make a point? with no helping him set anything up, food etc at all.

How often do you have to feed the one year old still?

Original poster
Dottie39 · 25/08/2017 18:11

Hi BadHatter, I'm not sure how many kids DH wanted is any more relevant than how many kids I wanted is... The fact is we have four. DH very much wanted me to stay home, he earns enough for that to be possible providing we are financially aware and bit careful - and felt that the children would benefit from a parent being home, especially preschool. His mother worked and he resented being sent various places over the holidays and her always seeming too busy to play with him. We both felt school pick up is important in terms of homework and kids talking to us and us facilitating any after school activities they want. We discussed what we wanted in terms of how many children and the type of family we wanted to be and are generally very supportive of each other. Hence his comments threw me...

OP posts:
AChickenCalledKorma · 25/08/2017 18:16

Assuming you are only breastfeeding one of the children, how about he takes the other three off for the whole day? As it's so easy and all that. It may be the only way you can start having a proper conversation about how you feel. And also, from your point of view, being one-to-one with the baby will feel like a lovely break Smile.

user1490465531 · 25/08/2017 18:20

you deserve a medal for dealing with 4 young children.
Think I would have a breakdown!

BrieAndChilli · 25/08/2017 18:21

We have 3 who are 6,9 and 10. DH has come to the end of 2 weeks off with them (I work part time so have been working a few hours every day) he finds it really hard work and makes a point of taking them out every day as on the 1 day he didn't they were climbing the walls!

Bobbybobbins · 25/08/2017 18:28

Totally agree that he needs to have at least the older 3 for a whole day on his own. I am a teacher and just finished 5 weeks of having my 3 and 1 year old and am on my knees and ready to go back to work PT. My husband is great at having one of ours for an extended period but (as I remind him) has not had both of them for a whole day on his own, as the need has not arisen.

fruitlovingmonkey · 25/08/2017 18:29

What a twat.

Conniedescending · 25/08/2017 18:30

I have 4 close together and know how tough day trips can be. Did many of them solo. That being said it's a damn site better and much more fun going to the beach, city, museum and having picnics than working all week. His comments were a bit off but I think you need to accept they may have come from a point of jealousy given all family are out on day trips while he is not.

AntiGrinch · 25/08/2017 18:32

My ex was like this, when I was on mat leave (although we were living on my savings). When he took 9 months as a SAHP suddenly it was the most impossible thing in the world (although he never had to deal with a newborn, or do any night time stuff).

when I was expecting dd2, on mat leave at the end, and was very big and in a lot of pain from SPD, he came home once on a sunny day to find me looking after dd1 drawing indoors. she was really happy but he made some crack about doing something like that on such a beautiful day. I could barely fucking walk (yet there was dinner on the table). Sometimes I hate him.

Mittens1969 · 25/08/2017 18:45

Wow that's so patronising, I agree with one PP's comment that you should leave him in charge of the DDs for the whole of the bank holiday. And you should treat yourself to a spa day, or whatever you want to do, maybe with a couple of friends.

Then I bet he won't say anything about you having 'jollies' again.

PoorYorick · 25/08/2017 18:54

Don't "explain" what you do, make him do it on Bank Holiday Monday and he can see how fun and easy it is.

haba · 25/08/2017 18:57

I think the difficulty is that the idea of four children is wonderful, but the reality of how hard it is is only apparent to those doing the job. He doesn't see how hard you're working so he doesn't appreciate what you do.
You need to get that across to him somehow.
When does he take leave? Does he just work mon-fri? He could have them for a whole day at the weekend....

Booboobooboo84 · 25/08/2017 19:00

Have him take the three elder ones out for the day over the weekend without you. Not as a punishment just so he gets his own little jolly to tell the lads at work about when he's back at work. And see how he gets on....

RidingWindhorses · 25/08/2017 19:01

It's simple: he takes 2 weeks holiday and looks after the children while you go off and do something else and then he can see how 'easy' your life is.

Mol1628 · 25/08/2017 19:03

Wow I'd be so mad. My husband knows how much I struggle and how not at all nice days out are with the children. I only have two so I imagine it's even harder with four. Like you, I only go out because we have to to keep sane and entertain the children, not because I actually enjoy the park/zoo/beach.

Definitely sounds like he needs to take them out on his own for a full day, without help from anyone. Then maybe he would understand.

GreenTulips · 25/08/2017 19:06

when in fact I feel I work just as hard

You probably work harder

No lunch break? Tea Break? Half hour peace in the way home?

Any paid Holliday or sick pay? No??