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Original poster

SAHP - School Holidays & DH

90 replies

Dottie39 · 25/08/2017 17:09

Am a SAHP to four children aged 1-9.
I find staying at home in the holidays hard work with them arguing, making mess, eating everything in sight, moaning... So most day we go out, even if just for a couple of hours. Most days I am aware of spending and take a picnic and go to parks, nature reserves, woods, beach etc. One day a week we do a larger day out that may cost like a city, swimming, theme park. Never spent a fortune and stay within our means. As lovely as it is, it is still toring chasing kids about, keeping them all safe, fed, happy. One year old is everywhere, three year old is bonkers and am forever saving her from places he has climbed, older two argue all the time. Am doing my absolute best to give them all a good holiday without breaking the bank - often we meet friends and have friends over too.

Last night DH basically told me how lucky I am that he works so hard that I can have all these 'jollys' out and have such an easy life. Said all his work colleagues can't believe how much I take kids out and that they agree I am very lucky he is so good to us.

Now I know he does work hard so I can be at home, but there is no way I could earn enough to even break even with childcare so it's an economical decision too and I gave up a good career to stay home, a mutual decision we are both happy with, I thought.

I just feel like he thinks I am off having fun at his expense and it feels like we are not the team I thought.
Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:

NataliaOsipova · 25/08/2017 21:25

Said all his work colleagues can't believe how much I take kids out and that they agree I am very lucky he is so good to us.

Ok. Lots of points here....
A. What does he want you to do? Serious question. Surely one of the biggest perks of being/having a SAHP is that your kids have a fun summer holiday, doing fun things they don't get the chance to do when they're at school everyday? Summer holidays are a fantastic opportunity for kids to develop interests and learn new things. Does he really want his sitting at home watching TV all day?

B. Does he really think that a trip to the park/the zoo/kids' cinema or theatre is a jolly for you? Really? Do you think a team lunch meeting is the equivalent of a pub lunch with your mates? No. It's a decent comparison.

C. His "my colleagues think you're so lucky" is about as useful as saying "all my MN SAHM friends think I'm incredibly frugal". Which I do, by the way. One big, costing money day out a week? You're a saint.... You should show him our summer holiday credit card bill!

WeatherDependent · 25/08/2017 21:28

Yes it so easy and a breeze he can take a day off next week and jolly off with his DCs while you do your own thing. He'll have a lovely easy day

timeisnotaline · 25/08/2017 23:29

Please tell me you are planning to do something about this not just have a moan on here and let it lie with your dh. It's so disrespectful. You don't tell him what a relaxed life he has and how lucky he is to have someone do the home stuff when you actually make his life much easier. Bank holiday, two days away. You- our for the day without clearing away breakfast or doing any prep. Him - plan and execute fabulous excision, unpack and tidy house before you get back.

LindyHemming · 26/08/2017 04:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sofabitch · 26/08/2017 04:40

Too all those suggesting a day...i don't think that is long enough...the 3 day bh holiday weekend should give him an idea ... time to pull a muscle in your back and need 3 days bed rest... dont forget to book a jolly that he has to take all 4 children too.

Cantseethewoods · 26/08/2017 04:59

Unfortunately I think the fact that he resents his mother for working but not his father says it all. He's firmly in the 'woman as default parent'mode.

tribpot · 26/08/2017 06:25

I'd helpfully point out that you (as a family) need to budget more for entertainments in August than in the other months. Every good budget flexes for stuff like that. You (both) could look to save up for August through the course of the year to spread the cost. There is absolutely no question that you need to get out with the kids and it will cost some money; it's simply a matter of how to finance that best.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 26/08/2017 06:37

I think it calls for a spreadsheet!

A spreadsheet detailing all the things you do in a day, from tidying up to cooking to managing arguments whilst out on a picnic to going to the loo whilst kids calling for you! Then show it to him and I'm sure he'll be more appreciative.

I went back to work for a break from looking after DS and I only had one!

TwoBobs · 26/08/2017 06:43

My other half used to say something similar when my two were both babies. He couldn't understand why I didn't keep a pristine home while bf one baby, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, all the washing, all the food shopping and entertaining 2 babies all day and doing all the night wakings while he worked so hard. He kept going on and on about why I went out every day (lived in a tiny one bed flat with no garden). Why did I eat out once a week at Sainsbury's cafe ( to give myself a bloody break from cooking every effing day). We've since found out that both our kids have additional needs.

Well, I have since gone back to work part time as a Nanny for two families. He now has sole care of our kids a few days a week in the school hols. As an example for yesterday I asked him to do 3 things while I was at work (I even took both my kids off his hands for an hour and had one of them for a total of 3 hours during my 9 hour working day):

Bath 1 child
Hang the washing up
Feed both kids breakfast, lunch and dinner.

He didn't manage the first two and took the kids out for a hot meal for lunch (he rarely cooks them a hot meal, usually beans on toast or soup from a tin whereas I usually make them a 'cooked from scratch meal' every day) and didn't get around to making their dinner (sandwich type meal). Also the house had been trashed by the kids (toys everywhere, camps made in the lounge etc) for the 3 days in a row I worked but no tidying up had been done. He also took them out on all three of those days for some or most of the day. I cooked them a hot meal on day one after I finished work and he took them out to eat on the other two days.

Felt really smug saying to him the other day 'having them at home all day, reminds me why I took them out every day when they were little', he agreed with me. Also feel silently smug to myself when it's very clear he simply cannot cope. It used to really upset me when he came home from work saying "I keep coming home to a shit pile". He NEVER says that to me any more. I should have said that to him yesterday while he moaned that he didn't get the chance to do anything.......

DamsonGin · 26/08/2017 07:25

I think you could safely point out that it's a jolly for the kids but not for you. For you it's hard work and long hours, but thankfully a job you enjoy. That sometimes includes work in the sunshine but then so do many jobs, doesn't make them less hard work.

KERALA1 · 26/08/2017 07:32

Does he not realise what a massive privilege he has not having to think about childcare or children's arrangements? I work at home but did a project working traditionally long ish commute in office etc. Managing the kids during that stage was so stressful - having to be back for end of after school club, keeping on top of everything from a distance. Dh has NONE of that can can focus on job stay late etc. It's a massive privilege.

My friend does park and ride to her job and said when the bus draws in the majority of the women RUN to their cars as under the clock to relieve childcare. The men walk leisurely to theirs.

VimFuego101 · 26/08/2017 08:02

You need to find a reason to leave him with at least the oldest 3 kids. If your youngest is one I would think they could be left for the afternoon at least? Actually, you don't even need a reason. He gets some breathing space on his lunch break or drive home from work - so should you. Do you never even get to step out for an hour to go for a walk or run an errand on your own when he gets home from work?

Maireadplastic · 26/08/2017 08:14

Kerala: 'My friend does park and ride to her job and said when the bus draws in the majority of the women RUN to their cars as under the clock to relieve childcare. The men walk leisurely to theirs.'

This is so vivid, it will stay with me. I also wonder how many schools have the working mother's contact number rather than working dad's, when a child is taken ill.

Luncharmstrong · 26/08/2017 08:52

I think you are BOTH really lucky !

Kr1stina · 26/08/2017 09:00

So the OP comes on here to complain ( quite reasonably ) about her
Patronising dick of a husband.

And is patronised by posters asking her why SHE had four kids ( yup she did it all by herself folks ) and why she is a SAHP ( even though she has explained it was a joint decision ) .

Helpful

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