Ok but why...Ow

[Sholiz74]

Just a quick question. I find it odd that the OW is so protected. Mine messaged me and called me to make sure I knew all the details...why are they untouchables MN?

[Slowcookerheaven]

Rosa you sound completely ott.

That action is extreme.

I am staggered that you would behave like that.

[Offred]

Meh, if you choose to send a large number of abusive messages to someone which causes them to feel harassed the person you are sending them to is justified in calling the police.

Quite apart from how wrong it is to think because you have been wronged it is ok to break the law what does it actually achieve? Apart from making you absolutely unhinged and risking arrest that is....

[emilybrontescorset]

I disagree that me. With children are seen as a catch.
There are a huge number of men who pushed on by a new partner don't take an interest in their dcs lives.
I think the attraction of a married man is nothing to do with him having a child. Surely that's a burden rather than an advantage.

[rosabug]

Lol. If you have ever experienced anything like this you will know you DO go off the rails, it sends you off the rails. I felt like a train had hit me and I was being sucked into a dark horrible vortex. I will not be made to feel ashamed of that and nor should anyone else who has had to suffer the distress of infidelity. I never ever used abusive language - that's not my style...and that would have broke the law.

[Slowcookerheaven]

Sending texts to harass and communicating to harass IS breaking the law.

[CatsAreAssholes]

He is responsible, usually well groomed due to being looked after

Is this a cat or a husband?

[CatsAreAssholes]

Rosa it sounds like you stayed with your partner is that right?

[rosabug]

Cats - no. We had bigger probs. As usual an affair happens for a reason. Of course I see that now. Still I don't regret 'harassing' her though. I don't care if I broke the law - screw the 'law'.

[rosabug]

Please don't think I was letting him off the hook. I knew he was as bad. My temporary 'harassment' was of a communicative nature - I wanted her to answer me. And it wasn't that often, intermittent over a few months. In no way an abusive onslaught. I use the word 'harass' for dramatic effect. If you help cause a situation like this then I think you can handle some justifiable anger. I thought her threat to call the police was pathetic. If I was in her shoes I'd have taken it like a man, knowing I had brought it on myself and dealt with it. If it was still going on 8 months later then yea maybe she would be justified - but that's not what happened.

[twinklefeather]

The ow didn't cheat on you, your partner did. What difference does it makeIf she knew or if she didn't (other than morals-not everyone has these). The ow didn't force your partner to cheat. The blame is with the cheater imo.

[Slowcookerheaven]

Screw the law?

That's some attitude.

[jeaux90]

Actually Hadron has a very good point.

An affair with a mm probably suits some women. They don't want them full time, they have their own lives and money etc etc

I'm one of those women who has a lovely partner but doesn't want a full time relationship, doesn't want to get married, live with them etc so I sort of get why that scenario happens if I'm honest.

As I say this as someone who was cheated on with young dc but I'm not hung up on it. Adversity made me who I am. Guess I'm a bit meh about the whole vengeance shit.

[dimots]

Men are quite often very angry with other men who fuck their wife. Up to and including violence. People don't tell them how they should be feeling. But because we are women we have to be dignified? It is quite possible to be angry with more than one person at a time you know. Anger at OW does not mean you are not angry with your husband.

[WhooooAmI24601]

This is wishful thinking and projecting. You would never do the same being a nice person, and therefore imagine other reasonable women will not. Especially happy women. But you are wrong.

You're right, I am projecting, but the few friends and acquaintances I have who've been - at some point in their lives - an OW are all without exception truly fucked up people. They might be independent and have a seemingly happy life on the outside. But I honestly want to believe that truly happy, healthy, functional people just don't do that shit. Because the minute the lies, manipulation and deceit starts, you're no longer a happy, healthy and functional person.

[FritzDonovan]

So fritz. I'd deserve it ?
I said it was different when the Ow had been deceived. Didn't you say you hadn't initially known you were the ow? So in that case, no, I wouldn't think you deserved the same to happen to you. However, someone who knew the score from the beginning? Yes, they should have the same experience imo, might make them realise how devastating their part in the casual destruction of someone else's relationship was.

[FritzDonovan]

Men are quite often very angry with other men who fuck their wife. Up to and including violence. People don't tell them how they should be feeling. But because we are women we have to be dignified? It is quite possible to be angry with more than one person at a time you know. Anger at OW does not mean you are not angry with your husband.
Very good point. Double standards as usual.

[WeeMcBeastie]

I can understand both points of view here. The first time my EXH had an affair, I took him back and directed all of my anger at the OW. I even felt as if I had won. However, I now know that was wrong and all of my anger should have been directed at the twat who cheated at me. He told me that she chased him, she told me otherwise but I didn't want to believe that. I never did trust him again even after 6 years. It didn't take him long to do it again but I eventually divorced him. Since then I've found out that there were others and that he also tried it on with one of my closest friends. I'm not saying that they're entirely innocent but I don't blame the OW as others have said, it wasn't them who made a vow to me, they didn't even know me! I have learnt that it's misguided to direct your anger at the OW instead of the partner who cheated on you. In doing that you're not focusing on the reasons why the affair happened in the first place. There are very few people who cheat if they are truly happy and are in love with their partner. Also, when cheating spouses decide to give a marriage another try, it's usually for the kids, financial reasons and convenience. Obviously there are exceptions to this but this is generally the case.

[MaisyPops]

I dont think they get away with their actions at all.

I think what MN is pretty good at is pointing out to women who've been cheated on that whatever the other woman did/didn't do, their partner/husband didn't stumble into their vagina.

The "your partner is the one in your relationship" is a reminder to women who take the approach of chasing after thr cheater saying pick me pick me.

[WeeMcBeastie]

Well said MaisyPops!
If it hadn't been that particular OW it would have been another because the cheater had the intent to cheat. There are plenty of women in this world with low self esteem who will believe the bullshit.

[BanyanTree]

It is possible to be really angry at the cheating husband AND the OW at the same time. It's not one or the other as it appears to be on this thread.

[HadronCollider]

WhooooAmI2460 Ok I get your point in that sense yes.

[Offred]

I think it's a little bit weird to make all those assumptions rosa.

Feeling deranged doesn't mean it is ok to act deranged.

Infidelity is really common, loads of people will have experienced it (and much much worse) without acting the way you did.

It's nothing to do with 'double standards' it's about posters trying to think about the welfare of the poster (if you read threads posted by OW this goes out of the window every time so I don't think it is about OW being 'protected'). It's about trying to help the poster with their relationship by diverting them away from making the OW a convenient place to direct feelings which are actually about their cheating partner.

[MaisyPops]

It's nothing to do with 'double standards' it's about posters trying to think about the welfare of the poster (if you read threads posted by OW this goes out of the window every time so I don't think it is about OW being 'protected'). It's about trying to help the poster with their relationship by diverting them away from making the OW a convenient place to direct feelings which are actually about their cheating partner.
This x100

There have been threads where a woman in a bad place has been thr OW and struggling with the situation. The hate direcred at her was awful to the point of being unhelpful.

Whilst some like to stick the boot in, most people give advice that will be helpful to the posters situation.

[HadronCollider]

But why should rosabug have any responsibility to the OW? Why is she, the wronged one, required to take the higher moral ground?

If you don't want to get burned, then you know what? Don't play with fire. This woman took a part in causing immense pain to her and very probably her DCs. Again don't walk into someones personal space and start exploiting their weaknesses and assume there won't be nasty repercussions.

This is ironic. I say the same thing about people who go racist rants at innocent people going about their concerns, and expect no retaliation. Everyone seems to rely on some sort of unspoken rule of behaviour from people they hurt. So they can break the rules, but the innocent party is assumed not to break them. Sorry, sometimes you'll prod the wrong person. I have zero sympathy.

[Slowcookerheaven]

The ow owes rosa nothing. She made no promises to rosa. Rosa as the wronged one has every right to go ballistic at her partner but the ow? Nope. She shouldn't be sending messages to the point of police being threatened. Fuck the law or not that's harassment.