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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ok but why...Ow

151 replies

Sholiz74 · 20/08/2017 21:58

Just a quick question. I find it odd that the OW is so protected. Mine messaged me and called me to make sure I knew all the details...why are they untouchables MN?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 21/08/2017 08:30

Slowcooker, do you really not get the difference as I described above? Hmm

Slowcookerheaven · 21/08/2017 08:32

The op hasn't indicated which situation she was raven.

And those other posters to whom I referred didn't make the distinction you did.

So Hmm right back at you

Twistandshout77 · 21/08/2017 08:33

Have you messaged her back to tell her the details of your relationship - I would - so often the ow doesn't realize they've been cheated on to.
I'd tell her about all the times you've still had sex even though he's been seeing her, the things and trips you've done together, the little things he's done for you whilst he's been seeing her, if he's still been saying he loves you etc. hurt her back

ravenmum · 21/08/2017 08:35

I think it's obvious that other posters are not talking about an unknowing OW who is just as much a victim as the wife. But go ahead with your outrage if you like!

Isadora2007 · 21/08/2017 08:36

@battleaxe

The difference is that in assault or robbery the person who attacked or robbed you is guilty. In the event of you getting divorced, your husband is guilty. Not the OW. He can't be stolen or forced to cheat on you.

I actually think that most men who are shallow and immoral enough to cheat on their wives are most likely to not be completely honest with the OW. I don't believe many OW get knowingly involved with "happily" married men. They will be told there is no marriage, or that it's just a convenience and he is planning on leaving when x y or z happens.
The man is mostly to blame and the OW is to be pitied.

Slowcookerheaven · 21/08/2017 08:37

Seriously twist?

What if she was like me and did the right thing asap - and was telling her out of a sense of trying, again, to do the right thing?

Why would you want to hurt her?

In my situation it wasn't my fault, he was on a dating site, I ended it as soon as I had a reasonable level of suspicion- why would you want to hurt me?

I was gutted. We had dated for a few months. I had initially no reason to suspect he was attached. I liked him.

jeaux90 · 21/08/2017 08:59

Slow. Don't try and get sense from some of the posters. It's really not going to happen.

You did the right thing, you got hurt too. I'm sorry about that. Some of the posters have been so badly wounded from these situations that they can't see the distinction or don't want to.

emilybrontescorset · 21/08/2017 09:14

Op you need to sort your dh out.
Perhaps the ow is a victim of your dhs lies and deceit the same as you are.
Do you seriously believe that your lying, cheating dh only lies to you?
Focus on what you want and don't make any rash decisions.
In the cold light of day you will come to realise that your dh is no prize, only a booby prize so don't do the pick me dance.

emilybrontescorset · 21/08/2017 09:17

Oh and ask yourself this if the ow is so bad how come if a man waved his cock at you, you couldn't help but be blindsided into shagging him. Deceiving your dh as the evil om had tempted you and you were unable to resist.
Of course you would be helpless to resist the om, it would be all the om's fault.

minoandolphin · 21/08/2017 09:50

Slow this thread is not directed specifically at you. No-one is arguing that an OW who didn't know she was one is to blame for the situation; she would be every bit as much of a victim of the cheating husbands lies and deception as the wife.

The OW people do have a problem with are the ones who went in with both eyes open, completely aware that their actions would hurt another woman and child/ren who have never done her any harm.

It doesn't sound in the least like this was the case with you. I'm not sure why you're so defensive, unless people have given you grief about this IRL. In which case, they were wrong to do so.

HadronCollider · 21/08/2017 10:57

Totally agree with battleaxe. Saying only the husband is culpable is like saying there were two burglars, one broke into the house and took all the possessions and the other took nothing but served as a lookout, helped drive the car, but only the first burglar os responsible. No they are both culpable. One might go down for 4 years, the other 2 but still both culpable.

It's just basic decency. In the past I have had many men who are married ask me for my number etc and I rebuff firmly all such attempts. I am cautious never to cross the line, or give the wrong impression with my married male friends. Why can't some women do the same? It's not hard to imagine how shitty some poor woman and her kids will feel if it comes out. It is selfishness pure and simple. (And no i am not refering to OW who didn't know the man was married, I'm talking about those who do it intentionally)

But to come back to the OP. What threads have you been reading?!

BitOutOfPractice · 21/08/2017 11:32

I don't think they are untouchable or absolved at all. On mn or anywhere. But the general consensus is to save anger / energy etc for your cheating partner, not the ow

c3pu · 21/08/2017 11:38

I've never seen the OW get absolution on here...

Seen plenty of posts offering useful advice to save the energy for the cheating partner though, which I think is the right thing to do, seeing as there are usually a lot of shared ties with the partner which require a lot of effort to break and move on.

While the OW is hardly blameless, any energy spent on them is usually wasted energy, which can be better spent on taking the cheating partner to the cleaners

Janeismymiddlename · 21/08/2017 12:11

while op keeps hold of the anger towards ow she remains with her cheating husband and is unhappy

Why? It is perfectly possible to be angry at your cheating ex, to end the relationship and continue a deep animosity towards the ow. In my experience, the ow was a vile person who would stop at nothing to get what she wanted. She did owe me - absolutely she did. She owed me respect and a decent way of behaving towards me and my children. Instead, she played a nasty game (including in one instance, following me around a car park and actually laughing at me whilst I sobbed and tried to get away), used her professional status (accountant) to hide money, move money around etc so that there was nothing left in the pot for the divorce and ensured my children went without maintenance, and at one point physically abused one of my children.

I am personally horrified by the way ow are let off on this site. Usually when there is some poor woman asking for support and advice. I find the 'well, he wouldn't have done it if he'd been happy' even more upsetting. Firmly places the blame at the feet of the person who's life has been turned upside down rather than where it belongs. Men just can't help themselves can they? misogynistic shite.

Goingtobeawesome · 21/08/2017 12:29

There are some awful comments on here. Weak and pathetic for trying to work things out and staying? Walking away is easy in some ways. Staying is a lot harder. Hardly weak and pathetic and I think the comment says a lot more about the poster who thinks that than a wife who tries to carry on with the husband.

Maybe cheated on spouses focus on the OW/OM as easier than putting all the blame on their husband or wife as then they might care that someone thinks they are weak and pathetic.

Every person reacts differently and it's never easy.

theredjellybean · 21/08/2017 15:04

i do not think anyone is weak and pathetic for staying and working things out, sure it is hardest thing in the world, i do know from experience and threads on mn that betrayed spouses can look to make the OW into the devil incarnate to protect their view of their husband/wife and to justify their reason for staying.

By making the picture/story that he was just a poor defenceless chap , and she was this predatory , calculating woman against whom he didnt stand a chance..the betrayed spouse almost becomes the saviour of the marriage/husband....they do not have to face the real truth is that their husband knowingly chose to have sex with another woman, he being in full knowledge of the fact he was married to someone else....

I can completely understand why wives ( and i guess husbands) who are betrayed use this mechanism...

BitchQueen90 · 21/08/2017 15:20

I've never seen anyone try and "excuse" the OW on here, in fact when OW make posts on here they get torn apart.

I think the issue is when posters come on here and talk about how their poor DH was seduced and the OW is an evil persistent hussy. More often than not that is not the case at all.

Men are actually capable of controlling themselves. If they choose not to it isn't the fault of the OW. Some OW aren't nice people, granted. But there is never an innocent party in an affair.

Goingtobeawesome · 21/08/2017 15:29

Whatevèr helps the betrayed spouse is fine with me. It's when people go on to criticise and say awful things to them when they've decided to stay, or feel they can't leave, that I think it's out of order.

rosabug · 21/08/2017 15:33

OP - is it your partner or friends who are trying to get you to 'absolve' her?? It's both their faults. It is about basic decency. My partner of 20 years had a 4 year affair with a married woman with 2 small children. My partner kept trying to get me to take any focus off her and "concentrate on us" - Fuck that! I gave her hell and I don't regret it. I stopped short of telling her partner though. That was difficult, but ultimately as a man and a dedicated father he would likely have lost out with the children. You are entitled to call her on her shitty lies - just because she messages you doesn't mean she is okay - sounds like she is getting off on the drama. Take her down.

rosabug · 21/08/2017 15:36

And don't feel embarrassed that you are angry. There is a lot of pressure to do the Tory wife thing and quietly cry in you pillow. I harassed the OW till she threatened to call the police - I told her "call the fucking police"! Months on my relationship is over, and she is dead news, but I don't regret my wrath.

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/08/2017 15:43

I feel sorry for OW. I think they're mostly vulnerable and damaged to fuckery. Anyone with an ounce of self-esteem and joy in their lives wouldn't do that to another person.

If DH cheated it would be him who cheated. Him who chose to fuck up our home, our marriage, our children and our lives. The asshat who let him put his cock in her wouldn't be the one who stood and saw his children born, the one who put the ring on my finger, the one who built a life with me. Fuck this whole "not DH's fault" thing. Of course the DH is more at fault.

However. I know there are some people who actively seek out married folk to have affairs with. Those people don't deserve any sort of happiness for the rest of their lives. Unwittingly becoming embroiled in a marriage is one thing. To seek it out makes you truly, truly vile. I'd hazard that most OW fall into the category of having being lied to just as much as the DW is lied to.

Slowcookerheaven · 21/08/2017 16:03

rosa you were totally out of order to harass her to the point she was going to call the police.

HadronCollider · 21/08/2017 16:17

I feel sorry for OW. I think they're mostly vulnerable and damaged to fuckery. Anyone with an ounce of self-esteem and joy in their lives wouldn't do that to another person.

This is wishful thinking and projecting. You would never do the same being a nice person, and therefore imagine other reasonable women will not. Especially happy women. But you are wrong.

Happy, smart, attractive, independent women knowingly become OW everyday. Some prefer it. Just think, a married man with kids is often quite a catch. He is responsible, usually well groomed due to being looked after, is more knowledgeable about women due to living with one day in day out and dealing with the emotional ups and downs. Is good with children due to DCs, is patient and more mature.

For some women, that's pretty attractive. And for men DCs seem to boost their worth, whereas for women they are seen as a negative. I have met men at functions etc (not knowing they are married) and thought 'wow this guys got something going on', and that 'something' in large part often comes down to him being married with all the experience and growth that comes with that.

From that perspective OW are really seeking to take everything that another woman has worked hard to build. Some just have no scruples about doing that.

mummytime · 21/08/2017 16:20

I think it's about advice for a the "wronged party".
It better to reserve your anger for the P who wronged you rather than any OW/OM//prostitute etc. But if the OW harasses you then take action.

But sometimes the "wronged party" gets so wound up with the OW that they actually get back with the P (lying cheating toe rag), but still are angry with the OW. It's better not to displace your anger in the wrong direction.

rosabug · 21/08/2017 16:28

Slowcooker. I am not. The fact she threatened to contact the police was a ridiculous cowardly over reaction. If you can't deal with angry messages from the person you and your 'lover' have hurt as a result of your cruel and filthy lies, then you deserve it. You know, if she had had the courage to call me, apologise or have a dialogue with me, however unpleasant, I would have had some respect. I gave her both barrels and she lived in absolute fear I would tell her partner for months - and that pleases me. My partner and her were hatching a 'business plan' and she wanted him to put (my/our) money into it. To cover the abrupt end of her friendship with my partner she told her husband I was imagining an affair, going crazy and demanded the end of their 'friendship' - get my anger now?? I have stopped, but I stopped when I was ready. I am a very reasonable and balanced person in RL, but Sometimes 'dignity' is not all it's trumped up to be in situations like this.