Ok but why...Ow

[Sholiz74]

Just a quick question. I find it odd that the OW is so protected. Mine messaged me and called me to make sure I knew all the details...why are they untouchables MN?

[FritzDonovan]

offred, I'm not arguing about it, or what you think. I was responding to the post previous to mine which pointed out there were different expectations of behaviour for men and women in the same situation from many people, which I agreed with. I believe this is an example of double standards.
I didn't disagree that the wronged wife would be better concentrating on oh rather than ow.

[MaisyPops]

Yes, there is a stereotype of male aggression. But that is separate from telling a woman not to break the law harassing the other woman.

People are allowed to have whatever feelings they like in the aftermath of something like this, but it does help to direct them proportionally to the situation.( E.g. It is silly the amount of women who explain away their DH's infidelity as he's a nice guy and the OW exploited his friendship, manipulated his weaknesses, when really 2 people made a bad decision.)

Certainly my views are, affairs hurt. That doesn't give ANY party, male or female, an excuse to break the law, harass someone, get violent etc. That's nothing to do with protecting the cheater or the other woman/man. It's not breaking the law.

[Offred]

I expect any person who has been cheated on to feel devastated/sad/angry/all of the above.

I'd be sympathetic if they didn't handle it all well.

I'd be critical if they harassed/hit/stalked etc someone as a result and thought that was fine because they'd been cheated on.

[Offred]

I don't expect a man to be incensed if another man shags his wife.

Sexism says men are allowed/expected to be violent. Women aren't told not to seek revenge against OW and that it is their OH's betrayal they should focus on because of sexist double standards anymore than because MN 'protects' OW.

It's because seeking revenge usually hurts the person seeking it the most (or their kids) and because often the women who are focussed on the OW are doing so because of the things I wrote in that post.

[FritzDonovan]

It's nothing to do with 'double standards' it's about posters trying to think about the welfare of the poster (if you read threads posted by OW this goes out of the window every time so I don't think it is about OW being 'protected'). It's about trying to help the poster with their relationship by diverting them away from making the OW a convenient place to direct feelings which are actually about their cheating partner.

If this refers to my comment on double standards, I was referring to the bit about ppl expecting a man to be incensed if another man shags his wife, yet not accepting that the wife of a cheating husband should also be able to feel the same towards the OW. It might be more useful to redirect these feelings, doesn't mean it's wrong to feel it in the first place.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Slowcookerheaven

I agree

[MaisyPops]

Well put slow.
For all affairs are painful, they are not illegal.
Harrassment is.

Man A and Woman B are married.
Woman B has an affair with Man C.
Man A finds out and beats Man C to a pulp leaving Man C with injuries to his brain.

Man A rightfully would get charged by the police.
Nobody would be saying 'poor Man A he's just upset. Man C should have considered being beaten to a pulp when we chose who to sleep with'.

Equally, few people would say Woman B wad quite happy until Man C came along and exploited her weakness. She's a lovely person really it's just that Man C managed to poke at her insecurities until she gave in and had an affair.

[Slowcookerheaven]

Also. Screw the law?

Which ones shall we do away with?

Rape laws? Assault and battery laws? Speeding laws? Data protection?

Or just harassment because Rosa doesn't like that one?

[Slowcookerheaven]

The difference I see hadron is that it isn't against the law to have sex with someone who is in a relationship with someone else at the same time.

[HadronCollider]

As does Rosa. If she had broken the law then she has to deal with those consequences

Agreed.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I'm not excusing the DPs major part in it, but people should be responsible for their actions and deal with the consequences.

As does Rosa. If she had broken the law then she has to deal with those consequences.

As pp has said, screw the law doesn't cut it.

[Slowcookerheaven]

None if that gives another person the right to break the law. It is not illegal to have affairs. It is illegal to harass.

[HadronCollider]

She has no responsibility to rosa You see I think this is the dividing line. Because from my point of view she does. Absolutely. When you walk into somebody's personal, intimate space and start prodding them, wrecking havoc, you absolutely bear responsibility towards them for the hurt you've caused. If more people saw things this way, hell there'd be less broken families. I'm not excusing the DPs major part in it, but people should be responsible for their actions and deal with the consequences.

[MaisyPops]

Offred
Exactly. It gives the cheater the get out clause 'i didnt feel i could talk to you about the issues in our relationshio because I was worried about how you'd react and this proves I was right to be worried'.
Even if they didn't feel that way to start with, it gives the cheater all the justification they need that their partner is unhinged.

[Slowcookerheaven]

That is a v good point

If you really felt "screw the law" Rosa you'd have kept going.

[Offred]

Becoming deranged gives the cheater and the affair partner the perfect excuse to absolve themselves of all responsibility in fact because 'oh god she's crazy! What we did was nowhere near as bad and totally explained by how crazy and abusive she is'

[Goingtobeawesome]

You clearly knew it was wrong if you harassed her until she threatened to call the police I.e. Stopped then .

[Offred]

This is nothing to do with 'responsibility'. It's about behaviour and feelings.

Often the betrayed person wants to direct all the feelings they have at the OW/M because they still live with their cheating partner and it is too difficult to direct them his/her way, sometimes it is because they are doing hysterical bonding or the pick me dance - which will ultimately harm them.

Of course the OW/OM is responsible for the things they have done. But it isn't up to the cheated on person to deal out punishment. Simply to try and make it better for themselves.

People who feel revenge makes it better for them are not nice people and people who become people who feel revenge makes it better during a time like this often damage themselves and their children etc much much more than the person they are trying to hurt.

[MaisyPops]

hadron
Both are responsible for the affair, but the OW isn't the one betraying the partner (unless they are both in relationships).

There's a lot of talk about OW seeking out men in relationships and deliberately exploiting weaknesses etc
Sure, some people are that actively manipulative but most affairs are bad judgement on both sides in any number of situations rather than this odd story that betrayed spouses create of the seductive tempress OW and their wonderful husband. The husband may have had the affair but it only happened because the OW saw a weakness and exploited it so the husband couldn't help but fall into the trap of such a predatory woman.

[Slowcookerheaven]

She has no responsibility to rosa and if rosa was messaging me damn even intermittently then screw the law wouldn't cut it.

[HadronCollider]

Sorry slowcooker but it still takes two to tango. The OW can bear less direct responsibility, but none? Unless she was unaware, that's wishful thinking on the OW's part.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I harassed the OW till she threatened to call the police

Yep because potentially breaking the law is always the way to go

[Slowcookerheaven]

I went on one date with a man. He was single. I was single. He became obsessed with me and sent text message after text message.

He didn't swear. He wasn't rude even. The text messages were all about how adorable I was.

They weren't constant but I never knew when the next knew would come.

That's harassment. And I would have been well justified in going to the police.

The police won't have cared that I had a date with him. They will have looked at the messages sent and if a reasonable person would view them as harassment. Did the cause upset and distress to the victom.

That's the same as rosa did. And it's just as wrong that she did it as my paramour who kept sending texts.

[MaisyPops]

The victim of cheating is reasonable to be hurt and betrayed. It does not make it ok for them to harass somebody.

It's not about forcing a victim to take the moral high ground. It is about harassment being a problem.

[Offred]

This kind of behaviour mostly just 'burns' the person doing it and the people close to them.