Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH stayed in bed all day - sulking.

114 replies

brightnearly · 20/08/2017 19:16

10 years if marriage, 2 DC primary school age.

Last night he accused me of not supporting him with regard to his career ambitions. He forcefully demanded that I let him study today (not a course, self study), said that was his need; if he cannot study, he will feel miserable.

I said yes.

He then accused me of not really supporting him, I say yes but it doesn't come "from the heart" and I'm not "getting it". And if he lost his job and could not support the family any longer, I'll see the result of my lack of support, and he "will not forget". And then he said he would not study. I was frozen, and said nothing.

Today he spent all day in bed, not interacting with anyone. The children have wondered what on earth was going on.

I think this is nightmarish behaviour - he cannot expect to control my feelings, surely - and hugely damaging. I'm feeling thoroughly ill tonight.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 20/08/2017 20:24

You should not be staying for the kids you should be leaving for them, they do not need to tailor their actions to pander to their dad

Original poster
brightnearly · 20/08/2017 20:26

The financial responsibility is huge - I'm currently looking for jobs.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/08/2017 20:26

VivienneMary. You really think so?

To me he sounds like a lazy man child demanding mummy's attention while he indulges in his hobby of the day.

Miserylovescompany2 · 20/08/2017 20:26

I'd draw a line straight through him

It's ALL about him - his wants - his needs - his pity-party for one!

Has he always been so self-serving? Does he think of anyone other than himself?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 20/08/2017 20:28

'ultimately he says he wants to get into computer animation'

If he wants to get into that a self study course in computer animation is the way to do. Not painting and drawing. And its really hard to get into - unless he has built up a portfolio of samples. Its also a lot more technical that a lot of peopel realise.

Is he any good at painting and drawing?

SabineUndine · 20/08/2017 20:29

It sounds to me as though he's talking himself into failing to do the study and blaming you for it.

Original poster
brightnearly · 20/08/2017 20:30

Well, he said to me that I should accept my life and responsibilities (i.e. the kids), and stop whingeing and moaning when I was very near the end of my tether when the kids were toddler/baby.
He also told me that he was not responsible for my happiness.
But apparently I am for his!

OP posts:
TroelsLovesSquinkies · 20/08/2017 20:30

Sounds like a mid life crisis.
He thinks he can learn to draw in mid life and make a living at it, most great artists made all their money after death my patio is being relaid soon, all loose dirt at the moment
Sounds like he's in a panic, spoiling for a fight.
He does need to grow the fuck up, he has kids and a wife to support.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/08/2017 20:30

If he wants to get into that a self study course in computer animation is the way to do. Not painting and drawing. And its really hard to get into - unless he has built up a portfolio of samples. Its also a lot more technical that a lot of peopel realise

Yep - I know a grand total of 5 people aged 21 or younger. 2 want to get into computer animation.

Viviennemary · 20/08/2017 20:31

Sorry didn't see the bit where the studying is painting and drawing. I assumed it must be some work related qualification that he had to do. Which can be quite difficult if you're studying and working. If somebody spends all day in bed it could be a sign of a breakdown.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 20/08/2017 20:32

Are you happy?

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 20/08/2017 20:32

Did you say "yes, of course, what do you need me to do to help"
Or
" yes. Ffs." Begrudgingly and with a roll of the eyes?
There is a big difference. Maybe he's worried about something or he has a lot on his shoulders at the moment.

Catrina1234 · 20/08/2017 20:35

If the "studying"is not related to promotion at work or some exam that would provide a betterjob and prospects then it seems he is in some sort of fantasy about studying for computer animation. If this is an entirely different job from what he's doing, does he know what he's supposed to be studying. It seems odd that to move into another area of work, it requires a whole day of "study" which I suppose could comprise painting, Can you find out exactly what the job is and what this study entails. It sounds like this isn't the first time he has behaved like this.

I do wonder if you could take a part time job given the children are at school if money is tight.

Original poster
brightnearly · 20/08/2017 20:36

He came on so aggressively, demanding most urgently the day for himself, that I just sat there frozen saying a small 'yes'.

I had done what he'd requested - he wanted a new desk, I freed up the space (occupied by an aquarium), without his help, all ready for him.

Truthfully, I don't quite see where all this will lead to in concrete terms. He says animators earn £300 per day...great...

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 20/08/2017 20:37

It doesn't matter if its a PHD or feckin paint by numbers, taking to your bed in a huff all day is ridiculous

Original poster
brightnearly · 20/08/2017 20:38

The children are still on holiday, I'm looking for work - I could find weekend work right now, but I have to keep weekends free for his study!!!

OP posts:
Hippee · 20/08/2017 20:38

I wonder if he has depression. My husband does, and although he has never treated me like this, he does get despairing about the children sometimes and goes and sleeps for long periods. He hates his job and would love to retrain, but he's the main wage earner since we had children and I think he feels trapped by his current well-paid job/pension. He shouldn't be trating you like this - but it does sound like he perhaps needs help.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 20/08/2017 20:39

You don't HAVE to do anything

AnyFucker · 20/08/2017 20:40

He needs a toe up his arse

HolyShmoly · 20/08/2017 20:41

*Ultimately, he says he wants get into computer animation.

But he does not want to embark in a degree, it's not needed (apparently). *

If he means games or cinematic animation he really needs a degree.

ssd · 20/08/2017 20:41

sorry but I'm sick of reading shite like this from women who should know better than to let a man treat them and their children this way.

you are taking it op.its up to you.

Original poster
brightnearly · 20/08/2017 20:42

I agree that he seems unwell. However, he will likely not do what I suggest. I can try, anyway!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/08/2017 20:42

Op, you have been a doormat

This dynamic is not a good example for your dc. Men are always in charge and have the last word ? Their time is more precious than the rest of the family's ? Women should pander to unreasonable men ? Fuck that shit.

mummmy2017 · 20/08/2017 20:42

Tell your husband he can have every evening after the kids are in bed to study, that you will sit with a glass of wine and the TV and he can go sit at his desk and study.

ssd · 20/08/2017 20:42

so does she AF