#4 He's gone to Athens to be with her

[worldupsidedown]

So, that's it then. He's left to meet her in Athens. He's read my note but I've not had any reply yet

When you pack you leave for your love in Athens please take everything with you. PLEASE DO NOT RETURN

You checked out of this marriage when you decided to be with her instead of us and it is causing us too much pain to have you under our roof.

My daughter is too fragile to keep having you in our presence and I am trying to hold myself together for her.

Please do at least one honest thing and leave.

World - YOUR WIFE

Well OP did say she felt on a downer after reading those comments so even if they were intended as helpful which I'm sure they were in a way, there's not much to be gained in the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" type speculation on previous life choices to be a SAHM and some of those came across quite bluntly.

Been lurking!
I have to agree, I find reborn's post unkind and unhelpful.

You make a joint agreement for one parent to be a SAHM. It helps your family unit be how you wish it to be. If it wasn't for OP her DH would either have had to fork out more for childcare or work shorter hours and wouldn't have the annex and other extra earners (without paying someone else to manage these assets).
You enter a marriage under the agreement it is a loving, supportive relationship where you become a team running a family unit. You agree to jointly provide and care for your family.
It is not OK to be deeply unhappy in a relationship so you make changes, you talk like an adult and you make effort. If that fails, you end things as civilly as possible before entering any new relationship. It is basic morals.
I know all too well how often an affair is an easier route out and how much more common this is. That doesn't make it OK. I know all too well how painful it is for the one you rely on, have trusted and built a family unit together to one day just decide to quit without telling you.
It DOES impact OP's DD and OP's DD is old enough to make her own choices. Yes right now her anger may drive her towards her mother - she is an intelligible, mature girl fully able to understand her father's actions. Yes, this may change and she may find a way to forge a new kind of relationship with her father or over time return to how they used to be. It is her choice and as long as she has emotional support from a wide range of people, she will be OK.
What your ExH did was disgusting, selfish, emotion-less and the actions of an arsehole. He has chosen to act in a way which causes so much hurt, anger and is simply an act of extreme disrespect. It may be aimed at his wife, but inevitably his actions are just as much against his DD. Affairs are against a family unit, not just the partner.

Can I say, OP, you seem to be being remarkably strong and practical. Keep taking advice and keep going. You will come out the other end.

I think the thread did go very negative for a while there and there was some very unnecessary questioning of decisions that World and her husband took together. She has been far more than 'just a SAHM' as some people have said over those years, even without the holiday lets. She has also pretty much been an unpaid PA to her husband from what I read earlier in this thread and others. The point is that they took that decision together and her doing so has enabled him to concentrate entirely on his career while enjoying a family and home with minimal effort on his behalf, to the detriment of World's ability to build her own life and career. world was already planning to create a new career for herself, but in the meantime she has every right to expect her fair share of marital assets and support for their DD. Plus a bit of time to pick herself up from the floor after this and get over the shock and bereavement of it, not to mention get her ability to earn established. Jobs for women who have been out of the workplace for a while are scarce enough. We are here to support people through that, not complain they have had it good for too long.

Keep your chin up World. You have clearly worked hard for your family for years now, soon you will be doing it for yourself while watching your wonderful DD blossom into a young and independent lady.

YellowFlamingo

Whilst I agree with some of what you have said from a personal and emotional point if view, settling finances etc in this country is no fault.

He won't get penalised because he had an affair etc.

When it comes down to the nitty gritty how the marriage ended is irrelevant in law.

It is that to an extent which some people are trying to get accross.

but in the meantime she has every right to expect her fair share of marital assets and support for their DD.

No one has said she hasn't.

piglet my comments on the affair and morals were not in relation to money. They are in relation to reborns comments on unhappy relationships and it being OK to leave... yes, but how you do it is what changes from you acting responsibly to, as in OP's case, him acting irresponsibly and deserving of being demonised.
The SAHM comments are in relation to money.

@Yellow. You are blatantly projecting.

Anyway, that aside, you made the point of FDH deserving being demonisation. I think that has been done pretty adequately on this thread actually! And yes, people are absolutely 'allowed' to leave unhappy relationships. They completely, totally and absolutely are. You speak about morals and yes, you're right. In an ideal world, the marriage would end before any heads being turned. Back here, in the real world, however, that doesn't happen very often. Particularly for men. New loves/lusts are the catalysts for marriages and relationships ending every day. Does it make it right? No. Can I personally do anything about that? No. I'm not sure why your pointing your cyber finger in my direction for stating the obvious. This is the actual situation. Ain't nothing I or you can do to change it. He's gone.

My post was unkind and unhelpful you say? Well, I completely disagree with you. Your closing advice to the OP was to 'keep on taking advice'. What you should have said was, only take advice that is dressed up with niceties. And again, as I've previously said, niceties have their place. The OP has had a terrible, terrible shock. However, no amount of 'you're a wonderwoman', and 'keep on goings' (one of your own) is going to help her longterm. That's the bit I'm interested in right now.

Longterm, she needs to protect her daughter from future daddy issues. She also needs to brace herself for future perceived 'betrayal' from her inlaws. I'm not going into it all again. I've made my views on that clear in previous posts. Additionally, she needs to protect herself financially. She's gotten some sterling advice on this thread about that. Nothing is guaranteed. She needs to do everything she can to ensure she is financially sound. That includes earning her own money. If she receives a settlement large enough to ensure she never has to work again, well happy fucking days! She's earned it. But what if she hasn't? No amount of 'poor yous' is going to pay the bills.

As for your little SAHM add on. I, personally, have no issue with SAHM's apart from the fact they leave themselves open to veritable shit storm if the marriage hits the fan. This thread is a point in fact.

But World hasn't been a stay at home mum.
World has managed 2 properties and renervated both, along with the cleaning and acting as letting agent. This have supplied an income for the family, which would not have happened without her doing this as husband has had no input into either.
It's how you word things that the judge looks at.
Your settlement will start at 50/50 and then the judge will award you needs, which means as the mum with the child you will get more than the husband, this has changed in the last few years.
Trying to give both parties the money to have a clean break, so the husband as well as the wife has a home is what they judge will want.
This is after going through all this with a friend in Spring this year.
So 100% sure of this info.

Reborn speaks with sense. My post a while back was a reaction to the feeling I had that OP hadn't yet considered that her XH could just shut off the taps. He can.
Hopefully SHL will shield you from the cold sharp shock of financial difficulty.
I'm not apologising for not weeping along in sympathy.
Op needs to know what is ahead.

To be honest it sounds like there's plenty of money to go around for both to live comfortably. It, most likely, won't be an issue. OK, neither will be as well off as they are now, but they'll still be a lot better off than I'll ever be by the sounds of it!

If I'm wrong about that, I apologise, OP. I know we should never assume. However, when hear mention of gardens and annexes and holiday lets I kind of think, ah, you're not short of a bob or two!

I think OP could reasonably argue that as well as supporting her husband in progressing his career by being a SAHM, she also manages the holiday villa and annexe - so in theory it should be easy to strip the income streams out and look at them as potentially a job in themselves.

A judge may or may not suggest that the SAHM should make steps to be financially self reliant, and as far as I understand they will look at the future likely earnings of OP (either from holiday lets / any benefits she may be entitled to / any potential new career and what she is likely to earn) and balance that with her ex husbands potential earnings over the period. Similarly splitting the assets, which wont be 50 50 if DD is staying with OP.
Also if some earning capacity is tied to the assets (so holiday villa / annexe) that will need to be considered when splitting them - it might be that its a high percentage asset split with little ongoing financial support, as the assets reduce the need for financial support and have an element of capital for future. Or they may suggest selling holiday villa and using cash to pay off exH, she gets house and annexe outright, plus ongoing maintanance, unless new career likely to really take off.
These are all the things that the solicitors will want to look at.
as none of us know the value of any of the assets, the incomes from the rentals, the salary of the XH, the new career of OP, none of us can know how this might play out
Financial advice might be good to be sought before mediation - you dont want to decide stuff that turns out to be to your detriment, and you need someone who knows what the hell they are talking about to run you through all the options before you go into that mediation room

World has managed 2 properties and renervated both, along with the cleaning and acting as letting agent. This have supplied an income for the family, which would not have happened without her doing this as husband has had no input into either.

An unpaid letting agent!

So 100% sure of this info.

You are 100% sure of your friends situation and settlement which isn't necessarily what will happen to the OP.

If it goes as far as a judge then it is looked at individually but within certain parameters.

It isn't as simple as x and y happened to my friend so the same will happen for you.

One of the good things about MN, is that posters and readers can learn from other people's experiences and views.

It's not about codling and saying what you think the OP wants to hear. You need to be realistic about things.

The number of times people have said stop the CC and the like here is ridiculous. Think about it... Stopping the CC of the person who pays the bill.... How is that helpful. That's a one way ticket to 'piss of the STBXH and start a battle'.

Everyone has been empathetic and come from a place of good faith IMO.

It's not a great situation, but it's wise to look at being as independent as possible and being realistic about the future.

Are you okay World?

I may get flamed for this but I just want to add my bit from personal experience.

My dad did this. He destroyed my family and my mum for another woman. I disowned him and barely spoke to him because of it. He got ill and I didn't believe him until it was too late and he died of cancer within 48 hours of me believing him. I realise he didn't leave me, he left my mum. Yes he did it badly.

OP try to get your daughter to see that he maybe a complete cunt but he is still her dad and one day he won't be there.

If you knew the amount of legal work we ended up doing for this yes 100% sure.
50/50 split on all assets as length of marriage means there is no way to split who is responsible for what.
This is the start point. As the law changed in the last few years, yes we went into all this, it was a divorce that went as far as you can go legally.
The judge stated that he was starting at this point, because of the new law, then extra is awarded to the mother as she is the full time carer, and there is enough assets in Worlds marriage to allow both parties to have a home with the house annex and the villa possible to be sold and used as assets, then his pension will be split and World gets either some of that or cash value.
Being the stay at home mum is valued as much as a working husband. So World's Solicitor will offer the STBX maybe 70.30 split and it will go from there. but it will not be 50.50 due to the DD.

If you knew the amount of legal work we ended up doing for this yes 100% sure.

As I have also which finished very recently.

There is a big difference in what some people on here are saying who all say they have experience.

It isn't that straight forward. We don't have all the details of marital assets, earnings, earning potential etc etc etc and I don't think it's helpful to the OP to speculate.

www.familylaw.co.uk/system/redactor_assets/documents/1177/Law_Commission_MATRIMONIAL_PROPERTY__NEEDS_AND_.pdf

1.32....
Hope this helps World.

Morning World! It's a brand new day! 😉

Sorry just thought of that before realising the cheesiness!

Hope you're on less of a downer this morning. The only advice which matters is the SHL there are still lots of us here to support you.

World to me you sound like an intelligent, educated woman who has been solely running a business for years whilst taking care of DD! I applaud you. Just unfortunate the man you married turned out to be a twat. I suspect he'll have huge regrets in oh six months?

Unless mummy, he starts making babies with OW

World I hope you are not feeling too low about the comments on how lucky / privileged / in for a shock you are. Although older than you I am of the generation where being a SAHM was more affordable and valued.

People have different attitudes to money and that is evident on other threads about the dividing / sharing of income, his money, my money and I would never leave myself vulnerable etc. I am of the mindset that all income is our income.

I see the value of the support that the wife gives her husband (or vice versa) to enable them to study, work longer hours, go for promotion etc. Up until now there has never been a need for you to have separate accounts or class the rental income as your separate earnings, because you were a team.

I think you know that you are more fortunate than some others in that due to having properties and high income you will not be left in the dire financial need that some families are when they divorce.

You don't need to justify that though, you are human, you have been betrayed by the man you love, a man who is suddenly alien to you, showing no remorse or emotion.

I do agree (and have done since the start) that you should encourage your DD to maintain contact. Do not rely on her for emotional support and loyalty, you need to seek out friends and family to do this.

And the army of MNetters of course, your EX doesn't know what he's up against

Morning World. You said you were on a downer yesterday, sorry to hear that. This is still very new and raw. You are processing huge amount of information, feelings and practicalities all at once as well as getting on with day to day tasks.
Don't forget just how far you have come in such a short space of time. You are doing incredibly well.

Just keep going on step by step.
Hope today is better for you.

Just de-lurking to lend my support. You sound like a really strong woman. Don't let the bastards grind you down. It is no one else's business how and why you and your Ex decided that you should be a SAHM. You have provided him with the back up required to be a high earner. It sounds like you've been his unpaid PA and letting a manager. And while it might be ok to get out a relationship that isn't working there are ways and means that aren't cruel and destructive. He needs to take responsibility for his poor choices and the promises he has broken with you and your DD. He doesn't just get to swan off and create a new life. You can hold him to account and you should.
So don't listen to the doubters and those with their own axe to grind. You know what isn't ought to for you and your DD. There is some great advice on here. I hope you're felling better today.