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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

#4 He's gone to Athens to be with her

626 replies

worldupsidedown · 18/08/2017 02:58

So, that's it then. He's left to meet her in Athens. He's read my note but I've not had any reply yet

When you pack you leave for your love in Athens please take everything with you. PLEASE DO NOT RETURN

You checked out of this marriage when you decided to be with her instead of us and it is causing us too much pain to have you under our roof.

My daughter is too fragile to keep having you in our presence and I am trying to hold myself together for her.

Please do at least one honest thing and leave.

World - YOUR WIFE

OP posts:
KeziaOAP · 22/08/2017 16:18

OP already addressing work situation starting a course in September with a view to starting a small business, FDH had said he would continue to support this.

OP had her DD in her late 30s so probably had a career herself before this.

Being a SAHM has obviously been a full time job for OP :

I cared for DD, took her to from school, after school activities, play dates, etc. Our bus service is pretty useless around here, so I still have to take her in or pick her up if the bus is a no show/late or she has to be in school early or finish late or if the weather is really bad, school is three miles away. I have cleaners once a week but still have to do housework in between plus shopping, laundry, cooking. Ive managed all our finances, all the 'domestic paperwork', insurances, taxes, etc. Project managed the sale and purchase, renovation decoration and furnishing of our current house, and the annex, plus garden buildings. Looked after the animals dogs; fed, walked, vets, etc plus the chickens, cat. Sourced and booked all our holidays and other events. Managed the purchase, of the villa, sourced and installed all the furnishings, found a manager. I manage all the bookings, payments, bills, annual accounts. The annex is a holiday let, so I manage the bookings for that too, the cleaning and prep for the bookings. That has been my job all these years and will be until I have to sell the house. It's not unusual for me to struggle to keep on top of all these things and it doesn't fully stop at the weekend.

I too had my children in my mid-late 30s became a SAHM - joint decision. We worked out what it would cost to employ someone to look after our large garden, looking after house etc. Then there were the tax breaks by me not earning. All this facilitated my late DH in furthering his career. When the children went off to uni I did a lot of volunteer work which I enjoyed immensely.

Being a SAHM is not always an easy life.

SymphonyofShadows · 22/08/2017 16:20

It seems that World's situation is very different from some of the examples given here. I have friends who have been in a similar position and they have received similar settlements to motherofterriers ex-SIL. It's more common than you think when the courts are dealing with high earners where their partners have provided a high level of support at the detriment of their own careers.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 16:24

It seems that World's situation is very different from some of the examples given here. I have friends who have been in a similar position and they have received similar settlements to motherofterriers ex-SIL. It's more common than you think when the courts are dealing with high earners where their partners have provided a high level of support at the detriment of their own careers.

Tbh I think it very much varies.

I have known of high/very high earner divorces where they have got as mother has said, however I also know of some that very much haven't.

Whilst I agree it is a possibility it is also not a given.

KeziaOAP · 22/08/2017 16:38

world reading back through your post and my subsequent one think I was quite lazy when SAHM didn't have half the jobs you do.

Take care Flowers

SandyY2K · 22/08/2017 16:45

It's something I would have thought was well accepted by now but, if it isn't, it's my personal opinion that we should all do all we can to get it across to young women of the OP's DD's generation

I totally agree with this.

Although from the latest post, World, has not been what I'd call the average SAHM. That's a lot of work for a SAHM.

I know couples have agreements, but considering how often marriages end in divorce, I'd certainly be telling my DDs and others, never to be totally financially dependent on a man.

ClearEyesFullHearts · 22/08/2017 17:03

Also with the PP who wondered why anyone with one child of 15 should be/ feel entitled to be a SAHP.

Why wonder? There are many good reasons why someone would be a SAHP for 15 years. Entitlement rarely has anything to do with it. Hmm

SymphonyofShadows · 22/08/2017 17:25

I wonder why anyone thinks it's their business if someone chooses to be a SAHP if they are not the person funding it. There are a few bitter lemons here.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2017 17:30

No bitter lemons here at all. Just trying to help the OP with practicalities.

I personally couldn't care less why she was a SAHP. Her business entirely. Just that the circumstances in which that decision was made have changed and therefore so might the decision.

Bathsheba1878 · 22/08/2017 17:33

The point is that World and her STBXH took decisions jointly about work, childcare etc on the basis that they would be together forever. STBXH reneged on his commitment to the marriage but he won't be allowed to leave World without adequate means - and nor should she be expected to suffer a huge drop in standards. She trusted him and dedicated her life to him. She's 53, has no decent work experience and is dealing with her emotional distress as well as that of her DD. It is unrealistic to think that she's in any state to get out there job hunting. Jobs for women in our age category are hard enough to come by at the best of times and she has far too much to deal with right now without that added burden. In World's position right now some of the recent posts would have made me feel much worse. I hope she is able to disregard them for the present time, well meaning as they may be. You're doing fine World - focus on your immediate finances and the divorce settlement. Everything else will sort itself out in time. Try not to get overwhelmed by the 'what ifs' and just deal with the certainties for now. xx

Putyourhandsintheair · 22/08/2017 17:35

Well said Bathsheba1878

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2017 17:36

Bathsheba then you can stop worrying Wink because OP already very cleverly has a new career plan all planned. She starts a new course in September which I think is just brilliant!

But you're right, all of this is academic at the moment while OP deals with the immediate aftermath of SV's actions

Nadinexo1 · 22/08/2017 17:42

been following this thread for a while and just wanted to say, keep being as strong as you are being. I don't think I could've handled a situation like this as well as you have and also regarding the SAHM debate, I am one and don't do half the work you do and think of myself as busy Shock. you're obviously so much more than a SAHM, more like superwoman.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 17:44

There are a few bitter lemons here.

Nope not at all.

lazycrazyhazy · 22/08/2017 17:59

Bathsheba Woohoo great post! We are with you OP x

polyhymnia · 22/08/2017 17:59

No absolutely not bitter lemons. Would not change anything about having been a mum who also worked full time in a fulfilling job. Debate about SAH parents is probably pointless and may cause upset/offence. But still believe we should teach our daughters to be financially independent.

MachineBee · 22/08/2017 18:05

I would say World that you are actually a small businesswomen and with your experience of managing your holiday let, you have all the right experience to make a real go of any other small business you set up, including your aromatherapy business, once you've done your course.

KeziaOAP · 22/08/2017 18:10

world your are handling what FDH has/is putting you through with dignity, it's got to be difficult to keep a brave face in front of DD, keep strong.

What a lovely supportive post Bathsheba.

Bambamrubblesmum · 22/08/2017 18:16

I think it would be wise to start thinking about a business plan for your new venture. Re-training is the first step but having an actual plan to show the court would be a big positive. It could also support your timeframe for spousal maintenance. I.e in X amount of years I expect the business to be profitable therefore I need support until then. Plus you could argue for an extended meshes order on the basis that you will run your business from home and continue to run the holiday let to supplement your income. Why not tie it all in as a self supporting business venture?

Plus it'll give you something positive to focus on.

Bambamrubblesmum · 22/08/2017 18:18

*mesher order

Bambamrubblesmum · 22/08/2017 18:21

Plus if you're in need of a giggle right now watch "Grace and Frankie on Netflix. They start up a new business making vibrators for older ladies when their husbands run off together!!! Grin

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 22/08/2017 18:26

Agree with previous posters that you are doing amazingly well in light of what has been a crushing blow to your whole world. Don't think now is the time for those dishing out "practical" advice to kick the OP when she's down. As others have said she has a lot on her plate and already deals with the running of all household business along with making plans to start a new career. Don't think it's helpful to make comments about how women shouldn't be financially dependent on a man etc. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, i doubt she had a crystal ball available to see the current scenario unfolding as it has. Just keep doing what you're doing world and try not to let the negatives get you down Flowers

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 18:34

Don't think now is the time for those dishing out "practical" advice to kick the OP when she's down

No one has been doing anything to 'kick' the OP at all.

I personally think saying 'take him to the cleaners and get him to live of x' or ' you will definitely get y' is wrong as you are setting people up for a fall.

As pp has said of the OP has a SHL you can get your bottom dollar he will to!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 18:35

*bet

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2017 18:56

Nobody has been kicking the op when she's down for goodness sakes. Quite the opposite. Everyone has been supportive and impressed with all that she's achieved in life and since the bomb dropped on her life

People have been trying to think of ways the op can move onwards and upwards. Not as a criticism of her (or anyone else's ) choice to be a SAHP in the past Hmm but as advice and benefits of experience.

Namethecat · 22/08/2017 19:28

So how he's gone you have to pull up your big girls pants ( no sarcasm intended ) and find the ' new way of being '. You have full control and responsibility of all household chores and jobs. If he had his jobs - they are now yours or you have to source someone to do that. You can change the rooms around to please yourself,in fact it's a must to mix things up abit. Get rid /store anything you didn't really like or if it was something he'd had a big part in the choice of and you were a bit meh about. 're arrange your bedroom or even move out of that one and into another. It's time to discover the real you !

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