Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

#4 He's gone to Athens to be with her

626 replies

worldupsidedown · 18/08/2017 02:58

So, that's it then. He's left to meet her in Athens. He's read my note but I've not had any reply yet

When you pack you leave for your love in Athens please take everything with you. PLEASE DO NOT RETURN

You checked out of this marriage when you decided to be with her instead of us and it is causing us too much pain to have you under our roof.

My daughter is too fragile to keep having you in our presence and I am trying to hold myself together for her.

Please do at least one honest thing and leave.

World - YOUR WIFE

OP posts:
Painfulpain · 22/08/2017 14:20

Mediation is about coming to a fair agreement, not just any agreement

Not in my experience foxy

FoxyinherRoxy · 22/08/2017 14:22

Sorry to hear it wasn't the case for you as it was for me.

Hotdognoketchup · 22/08/2017 14:32

I agree with lazycrazy's comment, that you can get some sense of value when working out life insurance. Apart from when on overseas placements I have worked part time, but I have to make sure I can juggle work and kids without any input from DH. When working out our life insurance the advisor pointed out that covering my small salary would be useless as it took no account of the 24/7 childcare I provided. Value to family life isn't simply the income brought in. That said in this case I would expect all parties to end up poorer and for the OP to end up working. (She will probably find paid external work less grief than supporting her exdh)

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 14:37

Mediation is about coming to a fair agreement, not just any agreement

Not in many that I know that have been through it too.

That said in this case I would expect all parties to end up poorer and for the OP to end up working.

I agree.

The OP not working is no longer an option.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2017 14:51

I do agree with reborn re your MiL op. I wouldn't rely on her to be your champion going forward. Your stbxh will be putting his "side" to her. And blood, as a PP has said, is most definitely thicker than water.

Curlyone123 · 22/08/2017 15:12

Please can we just be kind. This lady found out that her current world crumbled a week ago. At the moment she needs our support NOT criticism of the choices she and her ex made in the past.

Let's just hold her hand for now.......

Sittingonthefence83 · 22/08/2017 15:25

Completely agree with Curlyone. We don't know know the exact reasons as to why the OP continued to be a SAHM till her DD was 15.

RebornSlippy · 22/08/2017 15:28

@Curlyone, with respect, every piece of advice I have given in the OP is from a place of kindness. I would love to see her move from this in a better state of mind that she was before. However, in order to do so, there are some glaringly obvious things that need to be addressed in the here and now. The decisions she makes now will impact on her wellbeing going forward; both emotionally and financially.

Handholding is great. It has a vital place on this board. And some of you here are excellent at it. Others are better at practical advice and words of warnings. It doesn't make us unkind, we are just another type of voice in amongst the "he's a bastard" and "poor yous".

Hotdognoketchup · 22/08/2017 15:35

I really didn't mean to be unkind and I don't think working is bad thing. OP will I imagine be happier if poorer in the long run and there should be enough assets in this marriage for everyone to be okay.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 15:39

@RebornSlippy I agree.

Painfulpain · 22/08/2017 15:42

I also didn't mean to be unkind. I apologise if I have.

I just felt that there was a feeling that the SHL/mediation/considerable assets were going to see OP right. And, I think she needs to remain alert and in control

Original poster
worldupsidedown · 22/08/2017 15:43

Thank you Curly,

I've just read all the latest comments, and coupled with having read a couple of texts FDH has sent to DH I'm now feeling on a total downer . I'm 53 and my being a SAHM was a mutual decision given all the responsibilities I have managed during this time. I had considered getting a part time job from time to time but given the amount of money I'd bring in it was pretty pointless over the expenses for child/dog care etc, and I'd still have to do everything I do as a SAHM on top of any job. DH went to work and brought in the money. I cared for DD, took her to from school, after school activities, play dates, etc. Our bus service is pretty useless around here, so I still have to take her in or pick her up if the bus is a no show/late or she has to be in school early or finish late or if the weather is really bad, school is three miles away. I have cleaners once a week but still have to do housework in between plus shopping, laundry, cooking. Ive managed all our finances, all the 'domestic paperwork', insurances, taxes, etc. Project managed the sale and purchase, renovation decoration and furnishing of our current house, and the annex, plus garden buildings. Looked after the animals dogs; fed, walked, vets, etc plus the chickens, cat. Sourced and booked all our holidays and other events. Managed the purchase, of the villa, sourced and installed all the furnishings, found a manager. I manage all the bookings, payments, bills, annual accounts. The annex is a holiday let, so I manage the bookings for that too, the cleaning and prep for the bookings. That has been my job all these years and will be until I have to sell the house. It's not unusual for me to struggle to keep on top of all these things and it doesn't fully stop at the weekend.

OP posts:
bandbsmummy · 22/08/2017 15:50

World, you aren't a SAHM, that last post clearly shows you have multiple jobs which contribute financially to the family. Sounds like you are super woman!

So sorry you are having to go through this Flowers

fourquenelles · 22/08/2017 15:55

World you are a holiday villa and accommodation manager on top of the family grunt work. You are also one amazing woman.

MyOtherProfile · 22/08/2017 15:58

But world you can't expect that lifestyle to continue for ever. And many many women do all that as well as work. If you end up selling up and moving then you will have opportunity to find somewhere a bit better connected. You've got a long journey ahead but you sound very resourceful.

Itcouldhappentoyou · 22/08/2017 15:59

World correct me if I'm wrong but are you not also about to start a course that will allow you to start up your own business in the future?
You have handled yourself amazingly well since all of this has happened please don't be on a downer because of what some posters have said.

Haribogirl · 22/08/2017 16:01

World,
It's fucking easier going to work than it is looking after household chores and children!!
That alone, never mind the holiday let, dogs, chickens etc
Ok your choice to have these, but it's still got to be done.

I'd really think of getting rid of the chickens 🐔 before the weather changes, just so you don't get more stressed and pissed off.

Quick read through of thread, agree with writing text and letting him think you are pathetic are not the super woman you are
Just make the decisions and tell him, not ask him

Take care of YOURSELF &DD x

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 16:02

But world you can't expect that lifestyle to continue for ever. And many many women do all that as well as work. If you end up selling up and moving then you will have opportunity to find somewhere a bit better connected. You've got a long journey ahead but you sound very resourceful.

As hard as it is, and trust me I know it is, this is the reality.

You do sound resourceful and I'm sure you will be fine.

polyhymnia · 22/08/2017 16:04

Excellent post, rebornslippy. Agree with every word. Also with the PP who wondered why anyone with one child of 15 should be/ feel entitled to be a SAHP.
Finally absolutely endorse all those stressed the importance of women being financially independent from men. It's something I would have thought was well accepted by now but, if it isn't, it's my personal opinion that we should all do all we can to get it across to young women of the OP's DD's generation.
This is not said to be unkind or to minimise the OP's shock and pain or to detract from my warm wishes for this difficult time and a happier future.

user1471558723 · 22/08/2017 16:04

Reborn- Well Said.

jellybeanteaparty · 22/08/2017 16:06

De lurking here. I had picked up from previous posts that you had a holiday let to manage. You therefore have a job were you work from home and actually you manage a business (villa and annex). This needs to be included in your mediation discussion.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2017 16:06

world honestly nobody is decrying what you do or what you've done. Well I truly am not. But things have changed thanks to your arsehole husband and you will have to face the fact at some point that your life will have to change too. Not now, but at some point - but then surely it would soon anyway with DD moving to uni / out / whatever.

You are clearly a very capable and clever women. You will manage all this and more I'm sure. I know it in fact.

If you have to move you can move somewhere that's easier to manage and / or closer to things your DD needs for instance. If you have to get a job you might find you love it and it opens up new horizons and friendships and opportunities for you

Change is scary (especially now when you've been so blind-sided) but it's not necessarily bad. You've got this, I know it. I know you don't believe me now but it's true. Thanks

Motherofterriers · 22/08/2017 16:06

My STBX SiL gave up her career to support my brother, and only worked part time, not in the profession she qualified in. Kids 16 and 18. Their recent divorce settlement gave her 80% of the house equity, maintenance for the kids until they finish full time education and maintenance for her for the next 15 years, after which she will receive a share of his pension. You may well get a decent level of support, World.

harrypotternerd · 22/08/2017 16:13

For those who are saying there is no need for OP to have to stay home just think about this (I am in no way saying this is the OP's situation, just a thought for anyone else who posts and gets told to go to work)

My DC are 10 and 9 so they are school age and I do not work. My DP works to support us because my DD has both physical and mental health issues and I was specifically told I or someone else would need to stay home with her for at least the next 12 months, possibly longer. My DD cannot even be at school fulltime at the moment and due to the issues she faces if we were to have someone look after her they would need to have experience or training in these issues so yes my kids are school age but that doesn't mean I am free to go to work.

I mention this in part because the OP has previously mentioned her DD had some counselling and we do not know if her DD has mental health issues etc. We do not know the full situation.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 16:17

For those who are saying there is no need for OP to have to stay home just think about this (I am in no way saying this is the OP's situation, just a thought for anyone else who posts and gets told to go to work)

Whilst I agree with what you are saying, the OPs life is changing. Things that she may not have needed to or not wanted to do in the past could no longer apply. This includes working.

Unfortunately that is the reality.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread