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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

#4 He's gone to Athens to be with her

626 replies

worldupsidedown · 18/08/2017 02:58

So, that's it then. He's left to meet her in Athens. He's read my note but I've not had any reply yet

When you pack you leave for your love in Athens please take everything with you. PLEASE DO NOT RETURN

You checked out of this marriage when you decided to be with her instead of us and it is causing us too much pain to have you under our roof.

My daughter is too fragile to keep having you in our presence and I am trying to hold myself together for her.

Please do at least one honest thing and leave.

World - YOUR WIFE

OP posts:
Painfulpain · 22/08/2017 10:50

Often/sometimes(?) Ex-wife can claim spousal maintenance as well as maintenance for children.

He might be earning the money. But his earning potential has been made possible by his wife at home, doing housework and child care. And her earning potential was handicapped as a result. That's the reasoning.

(The thought of being financially dependent on a man makes my blood run cold)

whatisgoingon1 · 22/08/2017 10:57

I'm sorry but daughter is 15 ,she doesn't need SAHM for at least since she started secondary school.
Ok they had an arrangement she would be SAHM ,but now circumstances changed and OP needs to adjust.

Painfulpain · 22/08/2017 11:25

I think you are being a bit disingenuous what

whatisgoingon1 · 22/08/2017 11:35

I'm living in real world, was SAHM for 6 years until second child turned 4 and went to school. Ten years later doing great career wise and noone can take my independence off me. The best feeling ever.

nigelsbigface · 22/08/2017 11:37

Yes in fact I'm just doing my finance consent order with the solicitor now and she is advising me to request a clause be put in regarding the continuation of spousal maintenance after the child maintenance is ended, when the dd's leave full time education-because there is a such a huge discrepancy between our incomes (he is able to earn a lot more because I supported him and the family whilst he was a college doing the extra qualifications he needed to earn the big bucks). Will try to do this but imagine he will refuse it.
His payment to me is mostly child maintenance worked out via the recommended percentage of his earnings for two kids and some spousal maintenance on top and is due to end when the youngest child finishes school.
Op-you should deffo go for spousal maintenance as your dd is much older-he will likely say any payment for her will end when she leaves school, which might be three years at most? then you will need some sort of fall back financially and that must come from him until you can sort yourself out but makes sure it's done quick and via solicitor. And don't forget the pension either.

nigelsbigface · 22/08/2017 11:40

What, to be fair the op is a bit older than you were, and that isn't a choice she and her husband made... good that you did that-(I mean that genuinely) but not helpful to the op in this situation...she has just had some earth shattering and probably not in a state to start sending her CV off just yet.
Something to think about in a month or two, not quite yet maybe?

MyOtherProfile · 22/08/2017 11:42

I'm a bit with What here. With one 15 yr old daughter I would expect to have to get a job now is I was the OP because circumstances have changed. She may well have enabled her stbxh in his career but now she won't be. He should still pay her and dd but i would expect the days of being a SAHM (which is of course a privilege not everyone can afford) to be over.

MyOtherProfile · 22/08/2017 11:42

Although of course this would take time to work towards.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2017 11:48

I think it's inevitable that sahp status will be questioned given the age of the dc. And I think that's reasonable. I don't think anyone is suggesting she sends CVs off this week but getting a job at some point would be a priority for me. Circumstances have most definitely changed.

Don't worry about that short term though op. Concentrate on the here and now Flowers

mintbiscuit · 22/08/2017 11:49

I think whatisgoingon1 is making a fair observation in that the courts see no blame in a marriage breakdown when it comes to financial settlements. Both parties are entitled to an equal standard of living and courts may insist on both sides making adjustments if needs be.

OP so sorry you have been treated in this way (have been lurking and following the threads). Your H is an arsehole. But just be prepared the courts will try to be fair to both parties in any settlement. They may expect you to improve your financial situation within a certain timeframe and will also take into account the fact that your DD will no longer be considered a dependent in a few years. I am simply basing this on experience of others I know who have been through this.

I really do hope everything works out for you and your DD.

Brahms3rdracket · 22/08/2017 12:06

I completely agree with Whatsgoingon, it's naive to expect op's stbxh to continue to provide the same level of financial support and it's his home too, paid for with his salary, he's entitled to live there regardless of his infidelity.

gonnabreakmyrustycage · 22/08/2017 12:10

I'm going to be brutal here. He is a despicable shit, however you must stop ANY emotional (you have done this to us/ you don't care for us etc etc) display in your texts. He doesn't care and it will make him think you're pathetic and sooo different from the cool/independent ow. I would not communicate directly with him at all. The only thing I would say to this loser is for him to communicate through your solicitors only. Your dd will have to tell him directly if she is/isn't interested in talking to him. It'll need to come from her and be her own words. You can't help her in the slightest or it will sound like your words and he will realise this.
And you need to stop checking what he is doing constantly. Can you not get a job? It will keep your mind occupied and give you more financial stability? Or volunteer somewhere?

Good luck. Men can be pigs.

RebornSlippy · 22/08/2017 12:21

I was reading this thread wondering how long it would take for the worm to turn. Reason being, it was turning for me too.

OP, I'm sorry to hear about the breakdown of your marriage. I am not going to call your ex anything derrogatory; there has been ample of that here already. I think that he has handled it poorly, he has not treated you with respect, but I also believe that each and every one of us reserve the right to be happy in our relationships. If he, for whatever reason, is unhappy with you, he can and should move on.

In respect to finances, I'm with those who feel it's time to wake up and smell the coffee. You have been very privalaged to live the life you have. You have been able to stay at home and raise your daughter without the need to work to near adulthood. In a lot of ways you have been luckier than most. Those days, however, are over.

Your ex has committed to continue to support you. Great. I wouldn't depend on this lasting forever though. If I were you, I'd be using the coming months/year to work towards financial independence. As it should be for every woman in my opinion. Never, ever, depend on a man to fund you.

As for the train of thought running through the thread that she should take him to the cleaners, expect him to live in squallor, leave him on his uppers; I don't agree. He works, he earns well, he should be able to live as well as the OP. That, to my mind, is fair.

The word fair is hard to use as the situation the OP finds herself in may not be fair to a lot of us. But, you know what, life and particularly love, isn't always fair. For now, you need to protect yourself, absolutely. But paddle your own canoe, OP. You'll feel better about yourself and this experience could potentially leave you feeling more empowered than you've ever been.

The other thing that struck me reading through your posts, is your wish for your ex MIL to 'honour' you. I believe you have had and will continue to have a good relationship with her. But never forget; blood is thicker than water. I find it unreasonable that you would expect your ex's mother to live her days fighting your corner at the expense of her own relationship with her son. I'm sorry, I do. If the shoe were on the other foot and your hypothetical future son in law expected the same from you, I would hope you would always support your daughter, irrespective if you always agree with her decisions. Your ex is now living with his parents. That alone is indicative of the fact that they will continue to offer support to him. You can't expect them to never meet future partners; whether they be the current GF or future ones. It is unrealistic and I fear you will feel huge betrayal over this matter in the future when your MIL doesn't see through her promises. Prepare yourself.

The other (and last thing, promise!) that I felt was the way your daughter has been placed in all of this. I couldn't understand why you involved her so early on. I felt that irresponsible. I'm not blaming you. None of us know how we're going to react when our world comes tumbling down. I just didn't feel it right to involve her in your marriage. She is now firmly on your 'side'. And for now, that will most likely please you. However, again, be aware that this will not be the case forever. I would hope and I think you should also hope that she and her father are able to salvage a relationship when thing die down a bit. He was unfaithful to you. Not her. Now, there is a school of thought that unfaithful spouses cheat on their partners and their children. I'm not in that school. It is possible to be a loving parent while not being in love with the child's other parent. Just my tuppence worth on that one. Don't poison her against him. She will become aware in years to come. I'm not saying you will, but just be careful on that one.

We all have one life. Your ex is living his now. The very best thing you can do is the same. I wish you luck on your new journey. Mind yourself. Sorry for the novel!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 12:23

whatisgoingon I agree with you.

lazycrazyhazy · 22/08/2017 12:30

I agree with Painful. If as a couple you make the decision to sacrifice one career to support another this was a joint decision. SAHMPs do not not contribute economically and don't not work.

If he has had the high flying career I imagine, he will have had a lot of support from SAHW. We made the same decision (admittedly with 5 children) and my DH always says he couldn't have managed if he had to think about anything domestic. As it happens I loved it and it has worked for us. He has never made me feel it's his money. In fact if I say "you paid" he corrects me "we paid".

The flip side for OP will have been an enviable lifestyle, but if she is like me she will not have been able to rely on much practical support e.g. 6pm home comings or holidays without phone calls and emails from work, it is a full time job being a high flyer.

Years ago when we were looking at life insurance for me we were advised that DH would need to replace me with housekeepers, nannies, dog walkers, God knows what. It sounds like OP also needs a small holding manager and a self catering unit and villa manager. Tongue in cheek on those but seriously don't under value the support given to a successful career by a a stay a home person (and I know one man who has happily facilitated a high flying woman).

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 12:35

lazycrazyhazy the issue us now however is they are no longer together.

The OP will get some help however her stbx won't be expected to carry on supporting her current lifestyle indefinitely.

A judge would certainly expect her to be looking at supporting herself.

Painfulpain · 22/08/2017 12:36

And THIS is the 'fight' the lawyers will have to have. IME, he isn't goingvtp want to pay what OP wants and mediation is NOT about getting OP a good deal. It's about coming to an agreement; ANY agreement.

The 'deal' will depend on respective lawyers (and the judge, if it comes to that)

Painfulpain · 22/08/2017 12:38

Urgh...this is why being a SAHM is such a very risky choice. It frightens the life out of me. Sorry, not helpful

lilybookins · 22/08/2017 12:48

I agree with the posters saying that OP needs to look at supporting herself in the very near future. My ex husband did the same (and much worse) to me as the OP, leaving me with a 13 month old baby. I never stopped working (I was never in a position to have that choice anyway) and thank God I was financially independent. Why on earth a 15 year old needs a SAHM is beyond me. As others have said the OP saw berself as the person that enabled him to have the career he did (I don't 100 per cent agree with this point of view that seems to get trotted out v regularly by women who don't work) but that time is over. Show your daughter a good example. Also do not involve her/enjoy her taking sides. My daughter asks me now what exactly her Dad did but I will never tell - as a consequence she has a wonderful relationship with her Dad which is all I ever wanted despite the hell he put me through

Brahms3rdracket · 22/08/2017 12:55

@Rebornslippy brilliant post, couldn't agree more, particularly with regard to the daughter's involvement.

ChristopherWren · 22/08/2017 13:08

I agree with Rebornslippy. Very well put.

And I'm another who thinks you should keep your daughter out of this as much as possible. It will be best for you in the long run. I'd also be wary of her leaning too much on her boyfriend at 15. I remember you described him as 'a keeper' and that worries me at her age. It shouldn't be important.

You're doing really well. This will all work out in the end x

FoxyinherRoxy · 22/08/2017 13:48

Mediation is about coming to a fair agreement, not just any agreement.

The decision for one parent to be a SAHP is made together, and sacrifices are made career & pension wise for one of you. This should be taken into account during the mediation process.

18 isn't necessarily the cut off point in the child stays in full time education, and isn't necessarily the point at which the house will be sold.

Pension sharing is a very important point. If you don't have a pension, you can negotiate an agreement on his.

Being a SAHP is risky, but a joint decision made together in trust and good faith. The choices XH makes shouldn't send OP into old age poverty, where so many divorced women find themselves.

Because one partner hasn't contributed financially to the set up, it does not mean their contribution has no worth.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 13:51

The choices XH makes shouldn't send OP into old age poverty, where so many divorced women find themselves

No but nor should the OP expect him to continue to fully finance her life indefinitely.

18 isn't necessarily the cut off point in the child stays in full time education, and isn't necessarily the point at which the house will be sold.

Correct. It could in fact have to be sold before that.

FoxyinherRoxy · 22/08/2017 14:17

Ahh I'm just trying to offer some comfort to the OP from my own experience. No need to counter-argue everything. I'm just trying to reassure OP that things might not be as scarily-drastic as some of you make out.

lazycrazyhazy · 22/08/2017 14:18

Great post Foxy.

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