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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

#4 He's gone to Athens to be with her

626 replies

worldupsidedown · 18/08/2017 02:58

So, that's it then. He's left to meet her in Athens. He's read my note but I've not had any reply yet

When you pack you leave for your love in Athens please take everything with you. PLEASE DO NOT RETURN

You checked out of this marriage when you decided to be with her instead of us and it is causing us too much pain to have you under our roof.

My daughter is too fragile to keep having you in our presence and I am trying to hold myself together for her.

Please do at least one honest thing and leave.

World - YOUR WIFE

OP posts:
FallingOverOnThePavement · 21/08/2017 13:26

*'have' been, not 'has' been... apologies.

lookatmenow · 21/08/2017 13:56

I'm not sure you can stop him having his money paid into a different bank account and him just transferring an amount into the joint account, equally there is nothing he could do if you were to move ALL his wage into your own bank account and left nothing in the joint account.

I agree he's being a cold hearted twat but at the same time he's doing what we all would do, protecting the finances and he isn't saying he's not contributing. Although not nice, the OP will have to start to look at financially supporting herself somehow.

If he was to stop the money, you would have statements showing this, and it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to use the credit card to live/pay bills which would then be brought up as part of settlement with SHL

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 21/08/2017 14:18

I opened a sole bank account and changed where my salary was paid on the Monday after finding out about XH's affair. I then just transferred the right amount to cover bills etc. but it gave me a little bit of control. XH told me "I'd been a bit drastic" in doing this Confused

Haribogirl · 21/08/2017 16:15

Don't be fooled my him, he know exactly what he's doing.
He may have had a 30 min solicitor appointment also.

The hotel is as said, 1 night stay!!! Can't be bad nearly £500 a night
How the other half live.
Don't tell him about DD not wanting to see him, as he will only come back with your poisoning her mind about him

I presume that £1500 is whilst he's at his mums (living rent free) and just free money to spend on himself.
If he's getting 1 bed flat in London, that not going to leave him with much left out of 1500,.
So he's going to be leaning on you to sell up asap, he will not be paying more than he as to without a doubt.
Judging by his coldness.

So you need the same or more (DD) a month.

You just watch him change now about finances
He will absolutely hate you knowing what he's spending and what on, so will be moving asap to separate finances his priority.

Please beware, what he spends on him you do the same
Don't have to actually buy anything just draw the cash and stash.
Be as devious as him

KeziaOAP · 21/08/2017 17:01

Is the £1500 he quoted just for the flat rent not including other living expenses? Confused After all he didn't want to live in a hovel!

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 21/08/2017 17:09

Given the fact that it appears Shirty Valentine (love that) and OW have been seeing each other for rather longer than the alleged 3 weeks my money is on them looking for a home to rent together. He will deny this to the moon and back because that seems to be part of the script but don't be surprised if that unfolds.

OP, has MIL confirmed he moving in today as she knew nothing about it last night?

Dard · 21/08/2017 17:34

My ex said moving into single room he had set up ow in apartment weeks previously said been going on for a few weeks was a year They lie and lie and lie she 23 years younger protect yourself total loser .He is in happy mode not thinking of u just himself and her idiot. My ex 50 with 2 year old baby.You are strong i was a mess and struggling still hard to believe their absolute cruelty hope he comes down to earth with a bump he will CuntFlowers

FoxyinherRoxy · 21/08/2017 18:20

If it helps, we have a joint account which he pays maintenance into and I manage/have sole access to. I have my own account for benefits and wages, and he has his own for his salary (he wouldn't have a joint account when we were together). It works well now, I am better off as I actually have access to money for the family rather the allowance he deemed appropriate for me 15 years ago.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/08/2017 18:26

Is there a possibility that the STBEH could set up a new account in his name with the intention of having his whole salary paid in there instead of the joint account and then provide regular 'payments' to the joint account to cover the cost of the mortgage, etc. plus expenses for OP and DD?

Which to be fair, he is entitled to do, is sensible from his point of view and if he has a solicitor, would probably be advised to do!

Putyourhandsintheair · 21/08/2017 22:25

Hope your first proper night in the house is going ok OP for you and DD.

Hidingtonothing · 22/08/2017 01:34

Eyes on the prize world, you can call him all the names under the sun once you've got finances etc sorted and rubber stamped but for now you need to keep it businesslike. Use us to let off steam about what an utter cunt he is so you can portray icy calm in RL, he will undoubtedly use your emotions against you given half a chance so don't give him any ammunition.

In a few months time you will be a million miles away from where you are now, you will have made a new life for yourself and be on the way to healing from all this. He, on the other hand, will likely be starting to realise that the grass was most definitely not greener, will be feeling the financial impact of his choices and will almost certainly be regretting them.

Many of us are giving you advice based on our own mistakes, playing the long game is hard but moving on is a whole lot easier when the financial/practical outcome has gone in your favour. Concentrate on making that happen for now, you'll be glad you did later down the line.

MrsMozart · 22/08/2017 06:53

Innagazing I meant 'mentally' let him go, if that makes sense (sorry not clear).

Mix56 · 22/08/2017 07:51

I am amazed he hasn't already shut down joint accounts. He will do. Particularly as you can see his expenditure. The system is. He will give you a small amount per month. You will need to claim all the benefits possible & probably should already be looking for a part time job. To fit in with your course.
The £1500 is more like what you will receive until the house is sold, or he buys you out.
Do not for a minute imagine he will finance your living expenses as was. He will want all his money for his new life.
Sorry

BackInTheRoom · 22/08/2017 07:52

My ex, the one who dumped me in a supermarket cafe rather spectacularly won't even speak to me! He cut me off completely and re-wrote history like they all do to make his selfish decisions seem like it was the only thing to do. He is utterly cold to the point our children say 'he hates you'! Can I just say there was no dv or emotional abuse in our relationship it's just that my STBXH compartmentalises his life and I'm in a locked box on the top shelf!

Bathsheba1878 · 22/08/2017 08:38

It is incredibly shocking how they can compartmentalise in that way. My ex was so brutal after the break up that several of our mutual friends thought that it must be me, rather than him, who had caused the break up by having an affair. They simply couldn't believe that he would treat me so badly unless I had done something to 'deserve' it. Being doubted in that way by people I had known for years was very difficult to cope with and,although they accept the truth now, it changed the nature of some friendships forever.

lazycrazyhazy · 22/08/2017 08:40

Bibbidee this is exactly how several of my friends' husbands have behaved, totally shut off emotionally, closed down. I think they've made the decision already so when they tell you that's it, shutters down. I do know one woman who did the same thing too.

OutToGetYou · 22/08/2017 09:10

He can't shut the joint account on his own, both parties have to do it. He can't even remove his name on his own.
The only thing either party can do on their own is refuse their permission for the account to be used, and then it will be frozen until it is sorted out.

splatattack · 22/08/2017 09:34

What a prick...those text messages made my blood boil! You are so strong OP...💪🏻

Painfulpain · 22/08/2017 09:46

Shirty Valentine is only obliged to support OP financially until dd is 18. At which time, he can force sale of the house and split the proceeds. The dd is 15 now, so OP would be well advised to find independent source of income at this point I think. Unless there are substantial savings; enough to support 2 families, once split

lazycrazyhazy · 22/08/2017 09:59

Painful I think it's clear that this is a high earning situation with 2 houses and an annexe involved. That's why PPs have advised OP gets a Shit Hot Lawyer which I believe she has now. My friend got a substantial lump sum settlement and the teenagers supported until they were 21 or finished full time education. Though he had still hidden millions away as he'd been planning for years Sad

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/08/2017 09:59

At which time, he can force sale of the house and split the proceeds.

It isn't a given that the OP can even stay until then. It could be that a judge orders sale as part of the financial settlement on divorce.

Brenna24 · 22/08/2017 10:20

How are you doing today?

Painfulpain · 22/08/2017 10:25

Even so lazy, splitting resources between 2 family units usually equals a reduction in standard of living.

I certainly wouldn't want to have more control over my income/finances etc than what departing husband and lawyers decide; after an unspecified amount of time

Painfulpain · 22/08/2017 10:27

True piglet...if OP can get/afford a SHL, you can be damn straight her husband can too

whatisgoingon1 · 22/08/2017 10:39

Sorry but can't help but being annoyed about the sence of financial entitlement in OPs favour on here.
DH is complete dickhead for sure,but he's the only one been working for at least 15 years. Its his house and although cc is not in his name he's the one pays it.
He's entitled to stay in the house and he's entitled to rent for £1500 a month. Why should he live in bad conditions when he can afford living comfortable?
As long as he's still paying mortgage and provides basics for his DD its up to him what he does with rest of his money.
I'm not defending him it just there are rights on both sides

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