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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

#4 He's gone to Athens to be with her

626 replies

worldupsidedown · 18/08/2017 02:58

So, that's it then. He's left to meet her in Athens. He's read my note but I've not had any reply yet

When you pack you leave for your love in Athens please take everything with you. PLEASE DO NOT RETURN

You checked out of this marriage when you decided to be with her instead of us and it is causing us too much pain to have you under our roof.

My daughter is too fragile to keep having you in our presence and I am trying to hold myself together for her.

Please do at least one honest thing and leave.

World - YOUR WIFE

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 21/08/2017 09:41

A friend of mine was in a slightly similar situation. She rented a storage place in one of those big yellow sheds. Took all his stuff there piled up in bin bags.

When he came back from the 'business trip' with his girlfriend and knocked on the door (she'd changed the locks) she told him where his stuff was and shut the door.

Putyourhandsintheair · 21/08/2017 09:43

Don't agree to anything financial.

mickyblueyes · 21/08/2017 09:43

*Hi. I'm arriving late tonight and I'll be gone early. I think I can stay away from tomorrow onwards but I need to crash tonight. I understand your letter. And I appreciate why it's so tough I do. If I don't hear from I'll assume you've seen this. If you want to talk just let me know. I've had an e mail from mediator who I presume is the mediator.

I'm planning to stay at my parents from tomorrow night onwards while I sort out a flat. Please bear with me while it all gets sorted. I will try to be as considerate as I can.*

He doesn't mention 'You' once in this text, It's all 'I'.

LindyHemming · 21/08/2017 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummmy2017 · 21/08/2017 09:44

Just get the divorce started quickly.
Mine paid me out then about 6 months later lost his job.
He tried to claim some back but it was a final claim, so the case was closed, his life went down and down, now he hates me for having a home and the love of our children, and tried to say I bankrupted him, but our friends pointed out he left me for her, not my fault they both lost jobs, 70k joint income to nothing in 9 months.
And the Dole which he always claimed was too much he now see doesn't allow you to do anything.

mickyblueyes · 21/08/2017 09:48

He has no empathy because he's a sounds like he's a classic Narcissistic. His blaming you for not having empathy sounds like classic disordered projection, he's projecting all his negative, disordered traits onto you and gas-lighting you into making you think you are the person who has something wrong with you. Have a look on line for NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) you may find some answers and validation.

Just remind yourself of his extraordinary behaviour, it isn't normal, he isn't normal, he's a disorder piece of shit.

mickyblueyes · 21/08/2017 10:01

I also agree with other to not show any emotion in your text, I know its hard but if he is as disordered as he sounds he will just feed off the attention, both positive and negative. I also wouldn't label him as something that he hasn't been professionally diagnosed with or call him out as a Pyhscopath/Narcisisst he could use it against you should things get nasty and end up going to court.

Use the grey rock technique, remove all emotion from any interaction with him, keep things strictly about DD or the settlement etc..Above all else this will drive him nuts that he's not getting any sort of reaction from you.

Use the fact that he's living in a fantasy bubble to your advantage. He's living in cloud cuckoo land and might work in your favour to get a good settlement. If things start going 'Tits Up' with Nana Masoukiri he might start realising what he's losing.

SymphonyofShadows · 21/08/2017 10:19

I agree with Euphemia, don't make any financial agreements at all. They can come back and bite you later. Speak to the lawyer today about finances. It's his salary, he can change it to be paid wherever he likes without any legal framework in place to stop him. You need to get everything sorted as a matter of urgency. The fact he has mentioned bank accounts is ringing massive alarm bells.

SymphonyofShadows · 21/08/2017 10:22

I don't think he cares that he isn't getting an emotional response tbh. He's so far up his own arse that it's probably a relief if World shows no emotion.

Bathsheba1878 · 21/08/2017 10:29

Oh World, reading the text he sent you took me back seven years to when I was on the receiving end of all that self obsessed pseudo concern. It's heart breaking to think this is the person you shared your life with. I stupidly did try to engage with my ex on an emotional level by trying to make him see how terrible his behaviour was and what a devastating impact it was having on me and DS. It is a total waste of time and only panders to their ego. Far better to just sit back and watch him make a mess of his life. The Greek connection might seem very glamorous to him right now but the shine will wear off when he's routinely having to go over there ( or the family come over here) and he doesn't understand the language or the culture and feels left out. It won't be long before he's sitting in the corner strumming his guitar and feeling misunderstood. Again.

worldupsidedown · 21/08/2017 11:02

DD just told me her DGM said she had tried to remind him of times we had had together, like when I first met them, etc and that I am the same woman. He apparently just shut it all down like it never happened.

I'm going through all the times I was having doubts about myself, my personality, how he said I was or rather convincing me it was me the cause not him.

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 21/08/2017 11:07

This is typical OP, he will try to minimise and airbrush the past away in order to justify his new life. He has to do this in order to throw you and DD under an emotional bus.

And it's very normal for you to think and question things he said in the past. My very controlling, bullying ex repeatedly told me I was over sensitive, when I wasn't, I was just distraught at how he treated me. He tried to 'normalise' it by blaming my reaction. I hope that makes sense.

Putyourhandsintheair · 21/08/2017 11:07

He has to shut it down because otherwise he is going to have to face up to what he has done. He will rewrite your whole history together. Its how he will justify what he is doing. Likewise he will jump on anything you do now to justify himself. This whole process is about him and no one else; not even your DD sadly. Not sure DGM should have shared that with DD though.

mummmy2017 · 21/08/2017 11:08

Just keep doing what your doing, don't engage in chit chat with him, right now he wants out and will agree to lots of things as he feels he is in charge. Wait till he finds out the cost to his pocket of his OW.
He won't be so happy then.

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 21/08/2017 11:32

Agree with a previous poster he sounds like a classic narcissist with all the gaslighting, mind games, manipulative attempts to re-write history and make you question yourself. Also possibly a sociopath with his complete lack of human empathy. Of course that is all a lengthy way of saying he is ultimately just a complete dick Grin

BitOutOfPractice · 21/08/2017 11:52

He won't care what his mum says. He's already rewritten your history together in his head...hasn't been happy for years, never really loved you, stayed for yor DD. I guarantee you'll hear it all

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 21/08/2017 11:54

World him leaving really is good news and just what you need to crack on with the next phase. Don't surprised to be knocked by a new feeling of grief now that you know he's left the family home.

I thought I'd go through some practical matters that floored me which you might find helpful to try and focus on or get some info on. I expect you'll also need to liaise with STBXH so while he's feeling all guilty and sorry make the most of it.

You're right to keep all finances joint for now - he's paying so this works for you and DD.

Credit limit
I always had my own credit card but I never used it. My main credit card was a subsidiary card to XH's that meant all our spending resulted in airmiles so we always used those cards. When I applied for a card in my own name my credit limit was tiny and the company refused to increase my limit based on my income. Basically I had spent 15 years being pretty much invisible in terms of credit history. I couldn't even pay for normal monthly spending or book a holiday on the card without prepaying it. I always pay off the full balance each month so this was fine but it was very frustrating.

Car ownership
We had three cars. The one I owned in my name was a little run around for the kids to learn to drive. As a single woman doing a lot more driving I wanted one of the bigger cars. XH's name was on the logbook. He took so long registering the name change that I ended up having problems with my car insurance. Think about the sort of car you need and if it's adequate for the amount of driving you'll be doing now. If you need another car address that now with STBXH. Is the insurance in your name? If not then sort this now as your first premiums will be high as you build up your no claims bonus.

Mobile phone
My phone was a subsidiary phone on XH's mobile phone account and separating the two was a nightmare. To try and get the company to create a completely separate account for me I ended up having to endure a three way conversation on two occasions with XH giving them permission to decouple me from the account. The computer said no so I ended up moving to a different provider altogether but it was a painful process.

Utilities - anything in his sole name will need changing at some point.

Council tax - you can get a discount as a sole resident. No clue how that works with a child in the house but probably worth looking into.

Some or none of the above may be relevant to you but if they are then it's worth looking at what you might want or need in order to change things even if it's a bit too soon for those changes to take place.

Do you own the holiday villa OP?

The one who ups and walks away really does have the easy ride.

Keep On Keeping On Flowers

OliviaBenson · 21/08/2017 11:55

I would reply to his text that sums of money he requires for living expenses should also be agreed at mediation to ensure that it's fair for all parties involved.

innagazing · 21/08/2017 12:00

I wonder if he should be encouraged not to rent a flat yet until the budget for it can be discussed at the mediation meetings.

He has to cover all the expenses of the marital home, car, and maintenance etc. to DD and World. It's only right these expenses are covered first, and then see what is left. Maybe there won't be enough left over to also rent a decent flat within the M25 and he'll have to look at cheaper options?

Maybe he needs to consider staying at MILs for longer than a few weeks? (what a dampener that will be with OW!!!)

Have you started to prepare a list of monthly costs and living expenses World for the interim period ro take to mediation with you?

KeziaOAP · 21/08/2017 12:08

He's closing himself off so he doesn't have to face up to what he's done to you and DD.

Good that you have savings and other accounts in your name. What about cash/shares ISAs, does he have those? Agree with other pps all financial issues, including his living expenses, should be left to mediation.

Oh to be a fly on the wall at his parents, can't see the atmosphere being good.

mummmy2017 · 21/08/2017 12:25

Do think about if giving up a villa will mean you get your whole house, look to see if the villa is practical for you to visit as much, as £60k of your house value may be far better than a holiday home you only visit 2 or 3 times a year.
Making a list of pro and cons for each, then talk to your DD, she sounds a bright child and may have ideas as well.

Brownsauceandsausages · 21/08/2017 12:31

I wouldn't include the sentence about being a psychopath tbh as it could be used against you (ie my wife is making wild accusations about my mental health). He may be (in which case there is no point in mentioning it as he won't care) or he may not be, and is deliberately cutting himself off from all feeling he has or may have had towards the op and his, in order to pursue his own selfish ends.

Brownsauceandsausages · 21/08/2017 12:33

Towards the op and his dd

magoria · 21/08/2017 13:04

He is having a laugh thinking £1.5k is enough.

DP was paying £950 for a 1 bed flat with all bills, underground ticket etc on top.

He isn't going to have much left over for OW unless she is sharing the bill.

FallingOverOnThePavement · 21/08/2017 13:21

So sorry you are going through this, OP Flowers
I wish you all the strength and patience for the challenging times ahead.
I also have a question, thinking of the worst case scenarios here, which has been drilled into me by my dear family almost from birth.
The whole world of joint accounts is an unknown area for me. Is there a possibility that the STBEH could set up a new account in his name with the intention of having his whole salary paid in there instead of the joint account and then provide regular 'payments' to the joint account to cover the cost of the mortgage, etc. plus expenses for OP and DD?
That would give him complete control over the finances...

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