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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help - husband has been texting a woman

109 replies

user1486246880 · 17/08/2017 20:02

I have just discovered today when my husband left his phone open next to me that my husband of 15 years (with whom I have three children) has been texting another woman.
I never look at the phone and a message had popped up and I saw it then scrolled through whatsapp and there were so many messages. Some saying miss you baby ❤️ And some photos - I didn't see anything beside a headshot but this girl looks in her Twenties. My husband is 40.
I never thought for a minute he would do something like this and I feel so betrayed and so confused.
I don't know the extent of it he says they go back 6 weeks.
I showed him the phone and asked if he would like to explain it to me. He immediately panicked and deleted everything so I can't see anything. I couldnt see much as it was all in Spanish as ahe is South American. He is English. But had.l been writing in Spanish using google translate.
I asked if they have met or done anything together and he furiously denies anything and says it was just chatting and that he wanted attention. What if I hadn't found it today?
He told me he bought her a months gym membership at pure gym that she asked for money.
We have a pretty normal relationship for a couple with three children with what id consider to be a healthy regular sex life. I am jus let baffled and don't know what to do or what to believe.
I really would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in this situation or also what others think about what I've found. Thank you.

OP posts:
Josuk · 18/08/2017 16:03

Also - even with deleted messages - she will be in his phone book.

mickyblueyes · 18/08/2017 16:22

I think Whatsapp has a backup facility...not sure how to retrieve this on a Nokia phone.

Can you look in the Whatsapp settings on his phone?

On an iPhone you can go to Whatsapp>Settings>Chats>Chat Backup...sorry I appreciate this might not be the same on a Nokia/Windows phone

Princesspinkgirl · 18/08/2017 16:37

I'd be packing his bag and throwing him out...

HeavenlyEyes · 18/08/2017 18:07

I agree with the above - and sorry but get yourself sti tested too. His lunch with her is just the tiny tip of the iceberg. sorry.

user1486246880 · 19/08/2017 02:27

She's Mexican I found her number and wrote to her posing as husband and she was quite dismissive I'm not sure she was interested in him. She's pretty unattractive too in the photo. I just don't know what to think when we looked at the bank ac there were about 5/6 transactions of £100, £140 he said this was for lunch 🤔

OP posts:
user1486246880 · 19/08/2017 02:49

She's 26

OP posts:
mogulfield · 19/08/2017 03:21

It's weird she was saying 'miss you baby' and was then dismissive when you pretended to be him. I think he's told her about you and that you may be getting in touch.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 19/08/2017 03:37

Is she actually a prostitute that he is paying in cash?

mogulfield · 19/08/2017 03:39

I thought that sweary, with the 6 x £100 transactions but would a prostitute text him saying 'miss you baby'? To be fair to keep his business I guess she would.

kali110 · 19/08/2017 04:12

He's told hrr you know so they're covering their backs.

Hunkle · 19/08/2017 06:45

Its probably for an hour in a hotel.& her payment?

VisitorFromAlphaStation · 19/08/2017 07:07

Anyway, who'd willingly pay £140 for a lunch? It's like ten times more than I'd be willing to pay for a lunch. Something doesn't add up here.

VisitorFromAlphaStation · 19/08/2017 07:18

All I can conclude is that people do all sorts of things to earn money, and posting in a chat room to get guys send you money and gifts might be a way to earn a living for some people, I guess. Step two might be to coerce even more money out of the guy who'd have to pay or they'd reveal it all to the wife. I believe it's a known scam and has a name, but I forgot what it's called. Scamguard runs a story about a romance scam, where people meet on match then spend a lot of time building up trust. A guy writes about a scam "Met a woman on match.com that started to e-mail me directly. After several weeks of her saying how much she was in love and send me pictures. I learned she was not real. She started asking for money."
This could very well be what is happening here too.

Putyourhandsintheair · 19/08/2017 07:29

Visitor- I think you are probably right. Not sure it's a 'traditional ' affair. He has probably been scammed to a certain extent.

OP - what you have to remember though is that
1 he was 'Up for' an affair.

2 He has probably been in some sort of site looking for an affair/ dates/ being a sugar daddy.

3 He has met her.

4 He has spent your money on her.

5 Most tellingly of all- he has lied and is still not being completely honest with you.
What is he saying now? What do you want the resolution to be?

user1486246880 · 19/08/2017 07:30

She was dismissive as I posed as him. He hasn't been in touch as I've had the phone ever since and he deleted the app to try and restore it and she couldn't have been in touch with him.
She was dismissive as she's just looking for money. She wanted a rolex.
She asked for things and he realised she didn't want him. He admitted he booked a hotel they went but they kissed and that was all she didn't want to do anything further. I'm not sure I can believe it but he insists that was it?

OP posts:
Ginandpanic · 19/08/2017 07:38

Regardless of if they only kissed, he booked a hotel room and took her there. He intended to shag her, and I find it highly unlikely they only kissed. However, isn't that in itself bad enough? On top of the lies?

Sorry OP give yourself time to process this, but you can't believe it's ok as long as he insists they didn't shag?

Putyourhandsintheair · 19/08/2017 07:42

she didn't want to do anything further.. So he intended to shag her. He has lied to you and has been happy to pursue her for sex.
He now feels remorse because you found out and sorry for himself because she was taking him for a ride.
He would have shagged her if she let him. Can you really believe this is the first woman he has done this with?
His stupidity is nearly as bad as his betraya!

Hunkle · 19/08/2017 07:49

Its gone from just texting eachother to hotel rooms. Just as I predicted.

See his sorry arse out by lunchtime today.

He can take her for luch, whilst you get your life back so you and your children can have a happy future.

Scrumptiousbears · 19/08/2017 07:50

Not taking away from what he has done - he is a shit. However maybe he hasn't met her. There is that rinsing thing isn't there. Pretty young girls flirt with old men who buy them stuff but never actually meet them. Would maybe make more sense if she isn't in the country.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/08/2017 07:55

In less than two days he's gone from promising they didn't meet and it was just messages to promising it was just lunch to promising it was just a hotel but nothing happened...

He thinks you were born yesterday.

blameitonthebipolar · 19/08/2017 08:05

So sorry op, you must be in terrible shock.

Do you know where she works/lives? Have you asked husband exactly which site he met her on?

It makes me so angry that so many people are willing to gamble with their lovely families for the sake of a fling, I'm sorry to say it but think there will still be more surprises to come Flowers

SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2017 08:17

I don't think it really matters now what the truth is, does it OP!

To go from texts, to lunch to hotel rooms, how could you trust another word? He's lied aboit those times straight to your face

I'd br telling him to pack his bags

SpareASquare · 19/08/2017 08:32

So he went from 'just chatting' to 'lunch' to 'just kissing' to 'booking a hotel room' but nothing happened?

Why would you even consider that he's telling the truth 'now'?

He's lied and he's cheated. I think it's not that you don't know what to believe but that you just don't want to believe. Because then you'd have to do something and that's hard. And I get that.

Let him treat you like this and he will always treat you like this. Your children will know he treats you like this. I'm sorry.

BackInTheRoom · 19/08/2017 09:10

You'll never know what the truth is but his intention was intimacy with another woman and not you. Have you read any John Gottman literature yet?

notapizzaeater · 19/08/2017 10:59

So he's lied every step of the way, how do you know you've got the truth now ?

Regardless would he gave been OK with you buying a man gifts, going to lunch, meeting in a hotel ? Probably not.

It sounds like he was happy to go through with it - even if he hasn't - but currently you don't know. It'd be a deal breaker for me.