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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help - husband has been texting a woman

109 replies

user1486246880 · 17/08/2017 20:02

I have just discovered today when my husband left his phone open next to me that my husband of 15 years (with whom I have three children) has been texting another woman.
I never look at the phone and a message had popped up and I saw it then scrolled through whatsapp and there were so many messages. Some saying miss you baby ❤️ And some photos - I didn't see anything beside a headshot but this girl looks in her Twenties. My husband is 40.
I never thought for a minute he would do something like this and I feel so betrayed and so confused.
I don't know the extent of it he says they go back 6 weeks.
I showed him the phone and asked if he would like to explain it to me. He immediately panicked and deleted everything so I can't see anything. I couldnt see much as it was all in Spanish as ahe is South American. He is English. But had.l been writing in Spanish using google translate.
I asked if they have met or done anything together and he furiously denies anything and says it was just chatting and that he wanted attention. What if I hadn't found it today?
He told me he bought her a months gym membership at pure gym that she asked for money.
We have a pretty normal relationship for a couple with three children with what id consider to be a healthy regular sex life. I am jus let baffled and don't know what to do or what to believe.
I really would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in this situation or also what others think about what I've found. Thank you.

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercheese · 18/08/2017 00:12

Where is the gym based?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 18/08/2017 00:18

Puregym is uk as far as I can see

user1486246880 · 18/08/2017 06:44

He has admitted now that they met for lunch 5/6 times. But that's all so am asking for him to restore the message and try to recover so we can view them and see if it's true that nothing happened.

OP posts:
Wanderlust1984 · 18/08/2017 06:50

Just leave him! He's drip feeding you info when he has to, you'll never know the full truth. What a twat. Hugs to you Flowers

Hunkle · 18/08/2017 07:02

It wont just be lunch.

Its just about 10% of it.

Shoxfordian · 18/08/2017 07:15

He's lying to you
Don't trust anything he says

BackInTheRoom · 18/08/2017 07:17

OP, I agree with others. He's drip feeding you. It's so awful that when something like this happens, you don't want to believe and 'Cognitive Dissonance' kicks in. The facts are he has shared intimate moments with the OW. At any given point, he could have said 'no' to her eg not going on the second lunch date but he didn't.

Im not one of those people who say LTB (unless physical or mental abuse) so may I suggest a book to you? John Gottman - 'Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How to Make Yours Last'. John Gottman has conducted scientific experiments about relationships over a 30 year time period so he knows his onions. 💐

pleasehelpme2017 · 18/08/2017 07:33

If this has happened with one person, it could definitely happen again. Your H is completely untrustworthy IMO.

Joysmum · 18/08/2017 09:27

So where's your line in the sand? Mine would have been the texting, lying and wiping.

The nature of liars is that they'll only admit to the bare minimum when there's no other alternative. You can trust him. What you thought you had is gone forever thanks to him being a liar and a cheat.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/08/2017 11:10

it's all to do with his mother passing away a few years ago

Now I've heard it all. Little by little the truth comes out. Lunch dates? And...?
Sorry OP.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/08/2017 11:39

I'm so sorry OP.
So he never met her but now they've had lunch a bunch of times.
Next it will be 'but we only kissed'
Then 'OK, but she only gave me a blow job'
And so it goes on......
He will only ever admit to what you have proof of.
Him deleting the messages is all you need to know.

So what next for you?

user1486246880 · 18/08/2017 11:42

Exactly what next? I've got three young children I'm in a difficult situation he's begging forgiveness ..

OP posts:
mickyblueyes · 18/08/2017 11:52

My ex gave it the old "We met for coffee, that was all"...Turns out that this was code for.."We met regularly for unprotected sex, Yes I put your health and life at risk"

Hope this isn't the case for you OP

GlitteryFluff · 18/08/2017 11:54

I agree that he's not telling the truth and each time you ask for more he'll give you a bit more and promise that's all.
Has he managed to restore the messages?

HappyintheHills · 18/08/2017 11:57

Your three young children shouldn't have to grow up in a home with their mother not trusting their father.

Better two homes.

At least ask him to leave for a few months whilst you consider your options.

empra · 18/08/2017 12:06

Another one. My ex first did all the texting and Facebook messaging whilst my father was terminally ill. I wasn't able to deal with it properly then as I was supporting mother and 3 children through dad's illness and death so told ex that if it happened again our relationship would be over. It did and it was. I'd had enough of wondering what he was doing every time he pulled out his phone or was on the computer

user1486246880 · 18/08/2017 13:00

Not possible to restore those messages somehow 🤔But all others came back ? He has an android Nokia Lumia. Any advice on how to retrieve?

OP posts:
user1486246880 · 18/08/2017 13:01

I'm sorry Empra that's terrible and for all others subjected to this sort of thing. It's painful and destructive.

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 18/08/2017 13:14

I always find it odd when people say they're in a difficult situation because they have DC. Your husband wasn't thinking about the kids when he did whatever he was doing with the OW, was he? Don't run around trying to clear up the mess he has made. LTB. You've got nothing to feel guilty about.

Gemini69 · 18/08/2017 13:15

he's in a blind panic because he has been caught my lovely... he will say anything to stop his 'dirty secret' destroying his cosy family like..

ask him for her number.. tell him you want to speak to her yourself.. to clarify the situation... he has after all been bestowing hard earned family monies on this Woman.. so you are entitled to ask her exactly what's been going on...

She'd GOOD I'll give her that.. free gym membership paid by family money.... nice lunches paid for by family money.. what else has she persuaded your DH to pay for exactly ??

Gemini69 · 18/08/2017 13:15
  • cosy family LIFE xx
clearingaspaceforthecat · 18/08/2017 13:25

I'm sorry you are having to go through this OP.
I wouldn't bother with trying to find any more proof. It is clear what he has been up to.
Tell him to leave for a few days so you have time to think. Don't make any assurances to him about anything going forward.
Talk to friends/family so you have some support.
Don't engage with anymore discussions with him about what has/hasn't happened - he will just feed you more lies.

youreawillja · 18/08/2017 14:41

My whatsapp backs up every day to my Google drive... try that

Fathersyros · 18/08/2017 15:31

Why are you going through the bother of retrieving messages? Seriously? I'm not sure there is a more cast iron case of cheating - he bought her expensive stuff and they met 6 times. Do you actually need to see them shagging?

Josuk · 18/08/2017 16:02

OP - don't bother with messages.
Go through his banking/credit card history. See if there are hotel receipts....
Look for the app called DayUse in his phone - it rents hotel by hour...
There was an add for it on TV recently....

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