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Relationships

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Original poster

Current Boyfriend Has Picture of Deceased Girlfriend In His Wallet

85 replies

Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 01:32

My current boyfriend and I have been dating since a few months after the mother of his children passed away in a tragic car accident. He shared two boys with her. The circumstances behind the car accident are terrible. She was seeing another man behind his back and was picked up from her job and they went bar hopping with a male co worker. According to the police report, all 3 passengers were drinking beer. She reached over to kiss her side boyfriend and he crashed the car. She was the only passenger not wearing a seat belt and was thrown from the car. Very tragic. In the beginning of our relationship and the getting to know each other phase, I asked him if he was sure he was ready to date. He said I was the second woman he decided to court after her passing.

Now, we are deep in love and we see each other a few times a week and go on dates with our children. Well, one evening I bumped into my accent table and knocked his wallet and keys over. The wallet fell open and I noticed a picture of her in his wallet. At the time, he also had her picture on his phone home screen. For awhile, he was wearing the necklace she had on when she died. He also has a big mural to remember her on his chest and three months into our relationship, he got her birth date and death date tattooed on his wrists.

Now I'm all for assisting and be supportive in the grieving process but it's like everywhere I look, I am reminded of her and he tells me that he keeps this type of memorabilia so that his children don't think that he forgot about their mom.

Question: am I over reacting to seeing the picture in his wallet? I asked him about it and he stated that it was in his wallet for ten years and left it at that.

OP posts:

JustDontGetItAtAll · 15/08/2017 01:34

At this stage I wouldn't be hurt by it. If it was still there in 6 months time I'd maybe ask him to remove it and put it in an album or something. He may just be so used to it being there that he hasn't thought to remove it

JustDontGetItAtAll · 15/08/2017 01:36

The tattoo 3 months into your relationship - I would have left at that point. That's not easily removable. Says to me that he believes nobody will ever quite be as important to him. That's why chavs tattoo their kid's names/birth date on them isn't it?

JetBoyJetGirl · 15/08/2017 01:39

I'd walk too. Definitely would have ended it at the tattoo.

MrsToddsShortcut · 15/08/2017 01:42

How long have you actually been seeing him? Dating a few months after her death suggests that he was lonely but I would be astonished if he was in any way really processing her death at that point.

Sorry to sound unhelpful, but unless you've been together a couple of years, he may not be as together with all of this as you'd like.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 01:43

You don't say how long ago this happened - presumably enough time for him to process her infidelity and it not to stop him mourning her. (her infidelity seems very open, with another work colleague around, so perhaps it was acceptable to both of them)

I don't see an issue with the photo in his wallet at all. My widower fiancé has pictures of his late wife upon his house - he's moving in with me and those pictures will hang on my wall. (our wall) Also things she owned, gifts the kids gave her.

He's not a tattoo type, but we discussed whether he would like to engrave his first wedding date inside his second wedding ring, or not have a ring at all so that theirs wasn't "replaced". (he took it off when he started dating)

Reminders are normal, and if they bother you, dating a widower isn't for you.

The only thing I'm about is timing. I wouldn't mind if my fiancé had his wife's dates as a tattoo. But I would wonder about that not all being done before he was onto his second girlfriend after. If he just thought of it tomorrow (saw it on someone else) I'd say go for it. But if I thought it was because he was still early in grieving, I'd back off.

I say early in grieving, because grieving never finishes. Last month (something like this - changed not to out!) their son graduated and he cried in my arms that she didn't see it. If that isn't for you, walk away.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 01:46

Oh god I just re-read because of other replies.
I thought you said he got the tattoo a few months after you started dating. I didn't realised you also said you started dating only a few months after she died! And you weren't the first!

Bloody hell. Leave him to grieve. This has got nothing to do with a photo on his wallet. My fiancé's first wife's photo is in his wallet, as is mine - but she died 4 years before he met me.

Original poster

Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 01:46

The tattoos are quite bothersome. The mural on his chest was there when i met him and he has her name on his ring finger as well. I asked him not to wear the necklace when he's around me or when are being intimate, and he has complied. He makes the commitment to drive to me and we go back and forth and one of sons is really attached to me. But his older son, was crying the other day missing his mother and I tried to console him and he denied me and told me I wasn't his mother and he hated that I was there with them. I ended up leaving and taking a walk and made the decisIon that it was best for me to just leave and return home. As I was doing so and explained to him that I was going to go home, he asked me not to leave and said if I abandon him and his kids then he doesn't want to see me anymore 😔

OP posts:

thebigbluedustbin · 15/08/2017 01:48

Sorry but this is nothing to do with you. She was considerably more important to him than you are right now. If you love him, support him. If you can't, do the right thing and leave him to grieve. Whatever you do, don't tell him his grieving bothers you.

Original poster

Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 01:49

She passed away four months before we met

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 01:51

So how long have you actually being dating him andwhen did the boys' mother die?

It sounds like you both decided to introduce you to those children far too soon.

I agree with him that if you can't handle the very complicated emotional situation for his sons, he shouldn't continue to see you. And I wouldn't blame you for not being able to handle it - I'd only blame you (and him) for moving too fast.

Original poster

Huntfambambiz · 15/08/2017 01:52

We have been dating for seven months

OP posts:

JetBoyJetGirl · 15/08/2017 01:53

She passed away 4 months before you met; you're not his first girlfriend since she died; you've already met his children to the extent that one of them is attached to you?

This whole situation is very wrong. He shouldn't be dating yet; you certainly shouldn't have met his children yet.

You need to walk away and leave them all to grieve.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 01:54

Right, so she died and within 4 months he'd dated someone else AND you?

How far do you think he'd moved through the grieving process?

How long have you been together now?

How soon did you meet each other's kids?

If you don't already have an established stepmother relationship with his children, it should have been him comforting his son, not you.

I've been with my fiancé for 3 years - no way would it be him and not me who comforted his children (they're older) when they are upset. You say that you left the house so he must have been there too?

BastardGoDarkly · 15/08/2017 01:54

She's only been dead a few months?!

Its too much too soon, those poor kids

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 01:55

Fucking hell.
Crossed posts.
Their mother has been dead less than a YEAR.
Why have they even met you?

Want2bSupermum · 15/08/2017 01:56

Take a big step back. He is absolutely not ready to date at four months post passing. He is still working through his grief and while it's still raw I would imagine it's hard to have space for anyone new.

Is he speaking to a grief counselor? If you love him tell him he and his DC need to go to speak to one every week for at least the rest of the year.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 01:56

You're a mother yourself. Can't you see how bad an idea it was to allow a small child to get attached to you when you were in no position to know if you were going to have any kind of permancy in their lives?!

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 01:59

^ I mean, that would be a bad idea if their mother was alive and had been a happily divorced successfully coparenting family for years!
A child lost him mother months before meeting you - his attachment to you is predictable inappropriate.

You should back away from your boyfriend now, not because he needs to grieve and because he therefore might not (and I'd say is not) ready to commit to you. But because you're making bad decisions for his poor kids - and probably yours.

LittleLights · 15/08/2017 02:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 15/08/2017 02:04

Thing is the OP isnt the first since his wife passed on so why is HE doing it.

Missing sex?

JetBoyJetGirl · 15/08/2017 02:09

Probably, Helena. And intimacy and companionship. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But he shouldn't have involved the children.

He's grieving and not thinking straight; the OP doesn't have the same excuse.

scottishdiem · 15/08/2017 02:09

Oh so much going wrong here. Less than a year after her death? He loved her and was not able to process both the grief of her death and the betrayal of her cheating. Both required time to get over. You are both the lonely fuck and the revenge/rebound fuck. You might want to reconsider the speed at which you are pushing this (and see the mess he is making of things). He needs counselling and you both need to slow down.

HelenaDove · 15/08/2017 02:12

Fair enough Jet.

Society tends to raise eyebrows much more when/if a widow behaves this way though. If it was a woman who had just lost her husband she would be judged more.

JetBoyJetGirl · 15/08/2017 02:20

Probably. Society tends to judge women more harshly than men for pretty much everything, but that's not really relevant to what's going on here.

In this instance, I think the OP does have a responsiblity, as the person who is not grieving and is 'of sound mind' to make the right decision. Which isn't always the easiest.

yorkshireyummymummy · 15/08/2017 02:21

OP- I feel really sorry for you. But I feel even more sorry for those two poor kids who have been left motherless and have seen their father with TWO ' replacement' women when their mum hasn't even been dead a year! I amazed your friends haven't counselled you on just how innapropriate this relationship is. This man has not grieved, has not had time to grieve and is ignoring the needs of his sons totally. You are a mum- what in earth were you doing letting a little boy get attached to you without knowing if there was any permanency to this relationship. If you want to be a friend to this man and his kids the stop the relationship now. He is still in love with his wife- I'm sorry to sound harsh but you are nothing more than a transient shag for him. Try to get him to arrange for some grief counselling- for himself AND his kids. Do you know if he has contact with his parents/ his in laws? Maybe the grandparents could be included more in the kids lives to give them some stability. These children will still be reeling from the shock and loss. You could offer to meet up with him and the kids for occasional ' play dates ' - meeting at the park and having an ice cream - to help the kids , especially the little boy- get used to you not being around. It seems like the older child would prefer this. You must encourage this man to put his children first. They deserve 100% of their Dad at this time and he is failing them badly- and you my dear are condoning his behaviour and assisting him. Ultimately you will also be doing yourself a favour as I think you will end up badly hurt too. Please please take a step back and look at this ' relationship' logically.

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