Current Boyfriend Has Picture of Deceased Girlfriend In His Wallet

[Huntfambambiz]

My current boyfriend and I have been dating since a few months after the mother of his children passed away in a tragic car accident. He shared two boys with her. The circumstances behind the car accident are terrible. She was seeing another man behind his back and was picked up from her job and they went bar hopping with a male co worker. According to the police report, all 3 passengers were drinking beer. She reached over to kiss her side boyfriend and he crashed the car. She was the only passenger not wearing a seat belt and was thrown from the car. Very tragic. In the beginning of our relationship and the getting to know each other phase, I asked him if he was sure he was ready to date. He said I was the second woman he decided to court after her passing.

Now, we are deep in love and we see each other a few times a week and go on dates with our children. Well, one evening I bumped into my accent table and knocked his wallet and keys over. The wallet fell open and I noticed a picture of her in his wallet. At the time, he also had her picture on his phone home screen. For awhile, he was wearing the necklace she had on when she died. He also has a big mural to remember her on his chest and three months into our relationship, he got her birth date and death date tattooed on his wrists.

Now I'm all for assisting and be supportive in the grieving process but it's like everywhere I look, I am reminded of her and he tells me that he keeps this type of memorabilia so that his children don't think that he forgot about their mom.

Question: am I over reacting to seeing the picture in his wallet? I asked him about it and he stated that it was in his wallet for ten years and left it at that.

In the nicest possible way, you need to step quietly out of this complete clusterfuck.

Absolutely this.

You poor thing, it will be painful but this is not good for anyone especially the kids.

This is all so wrong in many ways & my fear is that you're going to get hurt.

Definitely glad you are going to walk away OP. Not only is he grieving but his children are too and they don't need anyone else in their lives right now. Your boyfriend needs to put them and their family first.

This is really sad. Agree with all PP: he was not ready for a relationship and he should be devoting all his time and energy into processing and grieving for his loss and supporting his children through theirs. There is no place for you.

Oh gosh poor you. He hasn't been fair including you or his children in his grieving process but grief doesn't think straight and from the outside this is a disaster for you all.

Step back. Out of love for him. You can come back later if it's meant to be. You may sadly find he moves on to someone else fast in which case lucky escape as much as that will hurt - you'll know it's not actually about you if that happens and simply his grief in action

Oh god, it's a disaster.

I think that you need to walk away too. The man has no emotional intelligence. You do not start dating so few months after you lose your wife in even a straightforward situation, never mind after such a complicated awfulness!

It sounds to me like he's idealising her or becoming obsessed with her instead of dealing with the horribly complicated emotions that'd be expected in this situation.

That's a disaster for anyone he's with in the future.

He may act like he's in love with you but deep down he's not even begun to get over his wife.

Run, but before you run be kind to the children, the younger boy especially; tell him that it's too soon for his dad and it's not working but that you want to say goodbye. It's a hard conversation but it will help the youngest, even if he reacts with tears or with anger. His mother just never came home one day. Now you're going too. You must; you can't get drawn into this clusterfuck; but saying goodbye in a good way will be so much more constructive in the long term for the boys so much more than disappearing.

She was the mother of his children, her death was unexpected - You should really cut him some slack.

He isn't ready for this relationship.

A friend of mine lost his first serious girlfriend in his mid-twenties: they had been together for six years. It was awful. In time he met someone else and they married about ten years on. On the wedding day, his girlfriend was mentioned in speeches and some of her family attended as, in their eyes, he'd been part of their family for the six years they were together, so didn't stop being part of that family just because their daughter had died.

He is not ready for a relationship.

What are you both thinking?

These poor boys lost their mother a year ago. And you are being dragged into all this shit to act as a mother replacement.

Its like he is trying to send her a message that he doesnt give a shit about her andbshe is easily replaced.

Oh OP, bless you. You've fallen in love with a very damaged and questionable man. He's evidently still in love with his wife but very well may be in love with you also.

He is also very selfish, he thinks solely of himself. He doesn't care about how his children feel about replacing their mother so quickly and he doesn't care how his new girlfriend feels about the evidental (and unsurprising) feelings towards his wife.

It sounds very distressing and confusing for all involved, especially those poor little boys. You are doing the brave and very right thing walking away.

However, I'm assuming there will be a third girlfriend in just a matter of months alongside more heartache for the children.

She'd been dead 16 weeks when you two got together

I wouldn't have gotten involved with him.

Actually I think another poster upthread had a strong point.

he might be flailing about completely unable to process his grief. It's really quite common for people (especially men) to seek a replacement partner very quickly.

If the OP hasn't had close experience of grief, directly or observed, she might well not know that time is needed, sometimes a lot of it in complicated situations like this

Poor little boys :(

I actually find this hard to believe. OP you think a man and his children are ready to begin again 3 months after a violent and unexpected death of the mother?

I agree with ivenoidea

There will be a third girlfriend in as many weeks.

I think its unfair to call him selfish. To me he sounds lost. He's not grieving because he's holding it together for his kids. He's thinking 'they need a replacement mother soon so that they dont miss out on having a mother'. Not the right thing to think, but when people grieve, they think and do weird things. He isnt in love with you, essentially he is in love with the idea of you, a replacement for his partner, the mother of his children. He wants a replacement because he is panicking about raising two kids by himself, thinking he'll screw it up as he isnt a mother, thinking he's just a stupid father who didnt even see that his partner was cheating on him. He's lost, confused, grieving, holding it together, hiding his emotions, trying to be in love with a mother figure for his sons all at once.

Please convince him to seek help. He's going to break down eventually, and its not going to be pretty when it happens.

I agree

On Friday, if will be a year since she passed 😢

" a mural on his chest" Words I thought I'd never read.

Well on Friday could be when it finally hits him to be honest.

Accent table?

An accent table is a side table

Those poor children, how is anyone surprised they don't want you around!

My first husbands picture is, and always will be in my purse. It's no disrespect to dh, it's an important part of my history. It would never occur to dh to be bothered by it.

Excuse me lunar, no one stated they don't want me around. I simply stated an incident with his oldest child. I watch his children on a weekly basis and don't try to over step my boundaries. Their father asked me to spend time with them. Their mother was pretty absent a year before she passed away and left him with the responsibility